


Pendragon Rules

by ElizaMatt



Series: Pendragon Rules [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Alternate Universe - Restaurant, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Beach Sex, Cunnilingus, Doggy Style, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, M/M, Multi, Non-Consensual Spanking, Rimming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:01:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 78,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26393077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElizaMatt/pseuds/ElizaMatt
Summary: Arthur is a hedonistic bartender at PEN, the hippest bar/eatery in London owned by his not very maternal mother. Merlin is his new colleague, only interested in earning enough to pay for his wedding to sweet Freya. But as everyone at PEN grows closer, Merlin starts doubting his sexuality.
Relationships: Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)/Other(s), Freya/Merlin (Merlin), Gwaine/Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwen/Lancelot (Merlin), Leon/Morgana (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Morgana & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Morgana/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Morgause (Merlin) & Other(s), Morgause/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Pendragon Rules [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1918195
Comments: 51
Kudos: 54





	1. Sex with the Bartender

**Author's Note:**

> Old note: A new lengthy series inspired by a certain reality show. I'm sure it has been done before, but I love writing Bad Arthur. No beta so mistakes will be fixed along the way.
> 
> New note: Many, many moons ago I pulled this fic because...well, just because. I'm erratic and crazy. Now I'm determined to finish it. I'll post it continuously as it was until the last couple of chapters. The last few may differ from what you read before - but finally there will be an end and a wedding!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin is hired as a bartender.

He had been hired as a bartender at the swanky PEN bar slash restaurant. The owner, the formidable Ygraine Pendragon, had scrutinized him thoroughly while sipping a glass of white wine. When he attempted to tell of his past and perhaps show a few of his skills, she waved him off,

"Don't need that, Darling. You were highly recommended by one of Gwen's best friends, so your skills are in order. I just wonder if you are strong enough to handle my son?"

Merlin blinked,

"Your son works here?"

She sighed,

"Yes, unfortunately. Thousands of pounds invested in the best schools, and he tells me he has to _find_ himself." She straightened her hair. "Well, I said, I'm not financing you while you find yourself between the legs of some bird so you go work behind the bar! Unfortunately he called my bluff and accepted."

Merlin smiled politely. He didn't know what else to do.

"My son thinks being a bartender means bedding as many pretty patrons as possible. I hope _you_ aren't like that? I need someone reliable and willing to work hard?" She pursed her lips.

"No, I'm not!" He held his hands up. "Not at all. I'm dating Freya who works here. Have been for over a year."

"Freya?" She raised her eyebrow. " _Our_ Freya? Well, good. Good. And you are serious? I mean in your intentions?"

He blushed and couldn't help smile, thinking of her. Cute, brunette and his.

"Yeah," he said. "She's the one. The one I'm going to marry."

Ygraine smiled a soft smile,

"Good. We all need that in our lives." She paused and looked sneaky. "Perhaps you might rub off on my layabout son instead of him boinking everything with a pulse." She shook her head. "I'm sorry, thinking of Arthur always make me so damned profane. Come. Let me show you where you'll work."

He stood up, a little dazed,

"What? I'm hired?"

She rose and locked arms with him,

"Well, of course you are, Gorgeous. Now, come meet the family. Let's go."

He was lead through the lavish surroundings while Ygraine chitchatted about Freya, who apparently was something of a favorite of hers.

"This is Leon," she said as they passed a sourly blond man who cleared tables. ”The busser." She let go of his arm and waved dismissively at two girls who tried to look busy in the entrance to the kitchen. "Those _gorgeous_ looking girls over there are Morgana and Morgause. Whatever you do, don't get tangled up with them. They are known to kill after they mate."

Merlin glanced at them. Both were wearing what he assumed was PEN's trademark uniform; a tight-fitting but still demure cocktail dress. The dark haired girl ignored him completely, trying to hide what looked like a unlit joint behind her back, but the blonde girl stared at him almost hungrily, and he shrank uncomfortably under her gaze.

"This is Lance who is harmless but very, very cute," Ygraine pinched the cheek of a handsome dark haired man and laughed when he blushed. "Thankfully he is spoken for or else he would be torn to shreds by our resident she-wolf Morgana. And don't let Morgause hear this. We don't want a repeat of the Alpha-Female War that centered around my son."

"Mrs Pendragon?" Lance stuttered and Ygraine mock-slapped him,

"It's _Ygraine_ , thank you very much. I'm not a pensioner yet!" She waved Merlin closer. "This is Merlin, our new bartender. He's Freya's boyfriend. Lance is one of the few truly good people here, so I'll advice you two to bond."

Merlin shook Lance's hand and met his dewy eyes.

"I'm really not that good - " Lance tried to say.

"You're the son I should have had," Ygraine decided. "And Merlin here's a good egg. Now where's your Lady Love?"

Lance blinked again,

"Oh Gwen, er, well, she...I don't know. We fought this morning, and then she switched times with Morgana and - "

Ygraine shook her head,

"So what did you fight over this time?"

Lance just swallowed and looked uncomfortable.

"Arthur again?" She sighed, "Lance, you spineless twit."

"He's my friend. And Gwen just has to - "

"She's your _girlfriend!_ A steady, lovable girl and still you choose to...hang around a chav whose idea of higher learning is watching bloody Kung Fu Panda while nursing a hangover!"

Lance looked to the side. "He's my friend," he shrugged. "And I like him."

Ygraine turned and faced Merlin,

"This is why Arthur will be the death of me. He flings his drunken tentacles around my work staff. Sooner or later every girl sits crying in a corner or destroys the bar because he dumped her, and the guys all fall in love with him!"

"I'm not in love," Lance sputtered. "At all. I'm....I'm not even gay! What? Guys can't be friends?"

Ygraine turned to him,

"If Gwen said she would leave you if you didn't stop seeing Arthur, what would you say?"

Lance opened his mouth and his face coloured. Then he closed it again, mumbling

"Idon'tknow."

Ygraine flung her head back dramatically,

"I give up! He is in love with him!"

"Of course he's in love with me. Who wouldn't be?" a voice purred. "I'm gorgeous, after all."

They turned and saw a tall blond man dressed in a tight-fitting light blue shirt clutch the door-frame. He smiled a dashing white smile only hampered by the fact that his face looked decidedly ashen.

"Arthur!" Ygraine snapped out the word. "Whatareyoudoinghere?"

He let go of the door and narrowed his eyes,

"Wow, it's bright in here." He looked at their faces. "Lance, Gwen let you off the leash?" He started to laugh which quickly turned into a cough.

"Shouldn't you be on top of some poor girl whose hemline matches her self-esteem?" Ygraine made her mouth very thin. "It is your day off."

"I, eh, fell asleep in the kitchen last night. Hope the health inspector doesn't drop by. I made a mess!" He shrugged and grinned when he saw his mother's face. Ygraine tightened her jaw,

"Lancey, darling, go help the kitchen staff clean up. There's a bonus in it for you all with my sincerest apologies."

Lance lit up in a smile and patted Arthur's shoulder before he hurried through to the kitchen while Ygraine turned to Merlin,

"Arthur, this is our new bartender Merlin Emrys. No, Merlin, don't shake his hand. You never know where it's been!"

Arthur slumped down to sprawl in a chair, running a hand through his hair. He looked up at Merlin,

"Hey, Arthur Pendragon." He met his eyes and hesitated. Then he smiled a warm smile, "Nice to meet you."

Ygraine continued,

"Merlin, this is Arthur, the karmic debt for all the horrible things I did to my mother when I was young. Beware. When he drinks, he's very liberal with his sexuality. And with that I mean he sticks his willy into every hole he can find!"

Arthur grinned,

"Love you too, Mummy!"

She huffed and he focused his eyes on Merlin who realized they were very blue and oddly appealing,

"Merlin, this is my mother Ygraine Pendragon. Owner of one husband, two homes, three dogs and countless slaves. She will, in time, own you too with her delightful mixture of money, charm and emotional manipulation." He smiled and stretched out his long muscular legs, and against all possible reason Merlin smiled back. Ygraine said,

"Enough of your lip. Go back to that dingy flat you call a home, clean up and come right back. You and Merlin are working tonight."

Arthur looked at Merlin again, taking him in from head to toe. Then he leaned back in his chair,

"My pleasure."

Merlin realized he had forgotten how to breathe and took a quivering gasp of air that didn't escape Arthur's attention,

"Cant wait to show you Sex with the Bartender," he said, rubbing his chin. Merlin said,

"Excuse me?"

"It's a drink," Ygraine said and hit out after Arthur who ducked. "Coconut rum, triple sec, lime juice, grenadine syrup, 7 up and Irish cream. Revolting. Never drink it."

"I enjoy it immensely," Arthur purred. "There's something about that creamy drink running down your throat that makes me quite addicted."

Merlin giggled nervously, and Ygraine exclaimed a pained cry,

"Come Merlin," She grabbed his arm, "No need for you to listen to this debauchery. Let's go find Freya. His _fiancee!_ " She gave Arthur a withering look and then pulled Merlin with her. He glanced back over his shoulder and noticed Arthur was watching him, fingers absentmindedly caressing his lips.


	2. Means Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Arthur is a bad, bad boy, Morgana is furious, Merlin is appalled and Morgause just wants to be kissed...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Description of heterosexual sex. Yes, I know - yuck.

Ygraine yelled,

"Freya, _Darling._ See who I just hired!" She laughed when Freya turned round and exclaimed a shrill shriek. The little brunette threw herself into Merlin's arms, clutching him, kissing him with a dozen pecks, and somehow had enough air to say,

"My MerlinMan!"

"Aw," Ygraine said. "You two are so bloody cute. Cuddly-bears. Just like me and Uther. Are you getting married soon?"

Freya giggled and looked at her, draped over Merlin's chest. She raised her hand and showed the small exquisite diamond ring,

"Bling! He asked me last night!"

The effect on Ygraine was astounding,

"A ring? A ring?" Suddenly she and Freya were in each others arms, shrieking for joy. Merlin pulled back, watching them cheer. It was like a sports-team celebrating. Women United scoring. He grinned.

"Oi, what you grinning about?" Freya said. "Having second thoughts already?"

"No, no," he smiled. "Just thought you looked an awful lot like footballers celebrating a win."

"Oh, we do," Ygraine said. "It's so rare when this happens. Freya's becoming one of us, now."

"Who is _us?_ " Merlin said suspiciously. Ygraine held up her hand so he could see the enormous pink diamond-ring sparkling in the sun shining in through PEN's spotless windows,

"The fellowship of the ring. It's a girl thing, Merlin. You don't get it."

"That's sexist," he muttered under his breath, and Lance, who walked past carrying a black sack, chuckled,

"You'll get used to it. Gwen's just like that. My _precious!_ "

"Oh," Merlin looked at him, "You proposed to her?"

Lance stopped and looked panicky,

"Er, no, god, no ... I'm a little allergic to commitment and stuff." He breathed out; a long and shivering sigh.

"Yes," Ygraine said behind them, clutching a beaming Freya. "It's a male disease going around PEN. Go on, why are you so afraid to get hitched? It's lovely to have someone to come home to."

Lance shrugged shyly,

"We already have that. Why do we need a ring?"

Ygraine made a frustrated sound but then caressed Merlin's cheek,

"At least you know better. You're such a good boy."

"So...Arthur?" Merlin looked at Freya over their organic lunch, and she giggled,

"Arthur! Oh my God! The stories I could tell." She rolled her eyes and he straightened up,

"What, he's tried something?"

She shrugged, "He tries it on with everyone. Means nothing ... " She avoided his eyes and he said,

"What exactly did he do?"

She smiled, "Every time a cute girl comes into PEN, Arthur will try to have a go at her. 99% of the time he gets a yes. I'm in the 1 % group immune to his charm." She crinkled her nose when she laughed, and Merlin smiled,

"God, you're cute."

She crinkled some more,

"God, you're cuter."

A dark voice said,

"God, please stop!" Morgana sat down heavily next to Freya. "I'm hungover, a little high and you're making me want to throw up."

"Afternoon, Morgana!" Freya said with a sparkling smile. "You look good. This is Merlin. My fiancee."

Merlin looked at her and had to agree. Morgana was stunning. She had long, dark and lush hair, green catlike eyes and her skin was ... he suddenly noticed she looked at him ironically and hurried to look down. But not fast enough.

"Hey! You're looking at my bird!" Arthur's voice was very loud. Merlin flinched and looked up - and saw Arthur break into his trademark lazy grin, "That's okay, Toyboy. Morgy loves to be looked at!"

"Don't call me a bird, you clod," Morgana said and threw a bread stick at him. "And don't call me Morgy."

Merlin looked over at Freya who blushed and stared at Arthur as though he was a prince. Morgana was less impressed, "At least Taffy here notices I'm alive! More than you." Arthur plumped down next to Merlin, colliding with him, making Merlin oddly embarrassed in the process, and reached across the table to trap Morgana's hand between his two larger ones,

"Oh, Sweet Maiden. You feel unappreciated?"

She pulled her hand away,

"Fuck off!"

Arthur said,

"Well, perhaps Taffy here will talk to me, then. And his lovely girl. Hi Freya..." he smiled at her and Freya blushed,

"Uh, er, hi Arthur." She giggled and that was encouragement enough for Arthur,

"Freya. Fertility goddess. That's a potent name for a little girl like you?"

Morgana exclaimed a violent yuck sound,

"God! How anyone could fall for that cheesy vomit?"

Arthur looked at her,

"Everyone falls for my cheesy vomit. Guess why?" He looked at Merlin who blushed,

"Er, why?"

"Because I always mean it when I say it. At that exact moment the one I'm looking at is the only girl in the world." He grinned at him. "Or guy."

"Aw," Freya said dreamily and put a hand over her heart.

"Oh _please_ ," Morgana moaned but Arthur looked at her with misty eyes,

"I never lie ... much. Okay, I do, but right now I sit opposite a - "

"A what?" Morgana narrowed her eyes, but Merlin could see a smile was threatening to grow in the corner of her mouth. Freya stared at Arthur, waiting for his next words,

"An animal."

"An animal!" Morgana's eyes widened in rage, and her smile disappeared.

"An untamed animal who will never be conquered," Arthur said, unfazed. "A mare who will dropkick any man stupid enough to try to tame her."

Merlin studied Morgana who looked at Arthur,

"You seriously just called me a mare?"

Freya stared at Morgana with huge eyes, biting a nail.

"With a silky black man and gorgeous velvety skin. Emerald eyes who somehow always knows when I'm lying."

"Which would be always. Guess what my emerald eyes spy right now?"

"The truth? I always dream of riding you bareback."

She sighed,

"You're such a colossal pig, Arthur."

"Your pig. I only go to other people when you punish me."

"And don't I always have a reason to punish you?" Her eyes sparkled a little.

"You don't need one." He looked deeply into her eyes. "I love it when you do."

Morgana looked down and attempted not to smile, and Arthur leaned over the table,

"A kiss, Fair Maiden, and I will die a happy man."

"Oh, you'll die alright, sonny," Morgana said. "When I kill you." Still she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his. Merlin raised his eyebrows and looked at Freya who beamed,

"Aren't they sweet?"

Someone moaned and sat down on the other side of Merlin,

"God, I need a fag. My feet ... "

Freya said,

"Ygraine just left so the coast's clear."

Merlin turned and looked into Morgause's deep brown eyes.

"Thanks kitten," she said. "You're such a good little lookout." She pulled out a crumpled packet of cigarettes and a lighter.

"I love to help," Freya said with a proud little girl smile.

"Hmm," Morgause said, lips around a cigarette already. "That's your fella, then?" She aimed the lit cigarette at Merlin and blew smoke out of both nose and mouth.

"His name is Merlin," Freya said proudly. "Merlin Emrys. We're gonna get married."

Arthur and Morgana by then was locked in a loud exchange of tongues. Morgause looked at them and made a face,

"Get a room. Preferable on another continent." She looked back at Merlin, "He's pretty. How does he look without his clothes on?" Her eyes seemed to burn off every thread of garment he had on.

"What?" Merlin said.

"I don't _know!_ " Freya exclaimed with a blush. "I'm a virgin."

Arthur pulled his lips away from Morgana and stared at Freya like a cat ogling a plump mouse,

"You what?"

"Oi," Morgana said and grabbed his chin. "What's with the kissing interruptus?"

Arthur looked at Merlin and raised an eyebrow,

"My mum thinks you're engaged."

"We are!" Freya said and giggled at the thought. "I'm saving myself for the wedding night. It's so romantic. Have you seen my ring?"

Morgana and Morgause looked at it with no interest and Merlin said,

"Freya..."

"Merlin doesn't mind waiting for me," Freya declared. "We're keeping ourselves chaste until the wedding night."

Merlin looked down at the very interesting table, but as the seconds grew and the silence continued, he looked up. Morgause looked at him with renewed interest. Morgana sucked her index-finger and winked at him. Arthur looked as though he pitied him. That was the worst part.

Merlin went to work that evening with an odd nervous feeling in his stomach. Freya had come home so they could have an early dinner together, and then she opened her university textbooks while he drove towards PEN. When he entered, he heard Morgana's voice,

"Think I'm an utter idiot, Arthur Pendragon? You must think I am ! You must think - "

"Oh, please tell me what I think, Morgana. It's such a turn on fucking your shrink by-proxy."

 _Slap!_ The sound of flesh meeting flesh startled Merlin. Then Morgana stormed past him. He walked in and saw Arthur rub his face behind the bar, grinning when he saw him,

"Hey, Boy-toy! Ready to party?"

"What, er, happened?" Merlin walked behind the bar, and Arthur pulled out a hand-mirror,

"Didn't cut my chin with her rings. Its a miracle." He grinned. "Nothing. Just Morg seeing things. It's her weekly Morgause paranoia again. Totally groundless." He winked. Then he looked closer at his chest and dropped his voice, "Looking good, Mr. Emrys. Very snug fit."

"Barely," Merlin squirmed a little. Can't catch my breath."

"Mum's orders. This is PEN, after all. We have a ratio of 60 gays/40 straights and out of those 40, half are horny females who want to see pecs, too." He put his hand on Merlin's chest and whistled. "And boy, do you have some..." His thumb accidentally brushed over Merlin's nipple sending a jolt down to his groin. Merlin gasped and heard a voice hiss,

"I do wish I had a camera on me."

He turned and saw Morgause draped snakelike over the counter while balancing an empty tray in her hands,

"Hi pretty boys. Don't you look eatable?"

Arthur took his hand off Merlin and slunk over to lean over the counter, almost touching his lips to hers,

"Hello, bad girl."

"Hello yourself."

A thin dark girl with a whirlwind of curls stormed past and hissed,

"Morgana-alert, Morgana-alert!"

Morgause pulled away from Arthur's mouth and ran after her, quick as a mouse. They then heard the steel-steps of high heels and Morgana appeared, red eyed and still shimmering with anger,

"Well?"

Arthur looked at her while he poured a cocktail,

"Well, what?"

"I'm waiting for your answer?"

Arthur looked at Merlin and shrugged,

"To what?"

"I'm not joking around, Arthur. I'll make your fucking life miserable if you provoke me."

Arthur looked genuinely puzzled,

"Look. Morgy - "

"Don't call me that! You two timing son of a - "

"Pendragon?" Arthur grinned unwisely. Morgana closed her eyes, opened her mouth and screamed. A loud, glass shattering, nerve twitching scream. Merlin staggered back, into several bottles of champagne but Arthur just look like he had heard it all before. Morgana stopped screaming and stared at Arthur.

"Done already?" he said. "Once you could scream all night..." he stuck the tip of his tongue out and wet his bottom lip.

"You heartless bastard," she said calmly. "I'll get you for this." She twirled around, remarkably gracefully, and stormed out.

"I'm most frightened when she's calm," Arthur informed Merlin. "Hope she doesn't cut the crotch out of my trousers, again," he said lazily. "But I need an excuse to go shopping, anyway."

Morgause peeked around the corner,

"Is she gone?"

Arthur shrugged,

"You never know."

"What was all that about?" Merlin dared ask. Arthur shrugged again,

"Can't remember."

Morgause snaked her arm around his waist and laughed.

"But you only argued five minutes ago," Merlin said. "Can't you remember - "

"Five minutes are light years in Arthur-time," Morgause said and pushed out her chest.

"She's very fluent in Arthur Pendragon," Arthur said and looked down her cleavage, "And I'm an expert in her body language."

She looked at Merlin with a sparkling smile,

"You'll stand in for him, won't you, Taffy? Mind we call you Taffy?"

Merlin grinned,

"Some of my best friends answer to Taffy."

"Then say yes, _please?_ " She didn't wait but said, "Come on," to Arthur. "I'm _longing_ for a kiss and not on these lips." She pursed her lips and Merlin mimed, _Wtf?_ at Arthur who just shrugged,

"Back in a tick."

Merlin was busy the next few minutes, but when a loll in the demands for drinks occurred, he decided to go check on them. He looked out out the backdoor at the lit parking lot. Morgause was lying on a stone staircase, her little black cocktail dress pulled up around her hips. Arthur was kneeling in front of her with his head between her legs. She had one hand on top of his head, and Merlin could hear her moan. He hurried to pull back, heart beating, feeling sick for some reason...

Five minutes later Arthur came whistling back into the bar.

"Going to the loo, be right back," he said happily and ignored Merlin's dirty scowl. It was a busy night, and one bartender wasn't enough to prevent chaos in front of the bar. When Arthur finally joined him, smelling of aftershave and toothpaste, Merlin had lost his disgust and was merely grateful for having him back.

"Finally," he moaned. Arthur brushed behind him, hands on his hips, and whispered in his ear,

"That girl. _Man_. She's like a hoover doing amazing things with her mouth." He sighed. Morgause walked past them just then, refreshing her lipstick. She winked saucily at Merlin and wriggled her bum.

"So do you, apparently," Merlin said and felt like Hunith Emrys finding her son's first porn mags. Arthur stared at him,

"You saw us?" he smiled and his eyes began to sparkle. "You should have joined us. From what Freya said, you could really use some release. Morgaue is a good sport." He looked poignantly at Merlin's snug trousers. Merlin slammed down a bottle of vodka in front of him,

"Thank you, I noticed. But I have a girlfriend. I would never cheat on her."

"Whose cheating?" Arthur said and leaned his bum against the counter. "We were just having fun?"

"You were eating her out!" Merlin said, not knowing why it upset him so. Arthur grinned,

"Puritan. It was just an innocent kiss on the lips. Means nothing." He moved closer, "Pals helping each other out." He grabbed the back of his head and pulled him in, grinning, "Want me to help you out. _Pal?_ "

Merlin just looked at him,

"I know where your mouth's been. So no thank you!"

Arthur smirked,

"I brushed and gargled. I'm not a complete dick, you know."

Merlin tried to push him away without feeling too much of his chest muscles moving under his palms,

"Could have fooled me!"

Arthur dropped his voice to a seductive tone,

"Oh, come one. Been thinking about your pouty lips all days." He stroked his finger over Merlin's lips. "So soft. So warm. Please?" He kissed him before he could answer. Merlin gasped and opened his mouth, and the feeling of tongue against tongue sent a current of hot electricity through him. Merlin let himself surrender to a feeling of lust for one incredible moment. Then he pulled away quickly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, and Arthur looked at him. He seemed calm but his pupils were huge and black, and he was breathing heavily,

"See? Means nothing."


	3. Was It Good For You, Too?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Arthur tortures a chocolate mousse to prove a point, and Merlin learn that one man's sexting is another man's sexually harassment.

Merlin came home late from work. It was almost morning, and he considered staying up to have breakfast with Freya before she went to work. Then he decided against it. He had slept very little the night before and almost felt like a zombie. Still he couldn't sleep now. The odd kiss still lingered on his lips so he sat down on the sofa and riffled through his text messages to calm down.

He suddenly had a lot more than the usual from his mother and friends from home. Names like Gwen, Leon, Morgause popped up. The entire staff actually. Apparently Ygraine had handed his number around so people could make him feel welcome.

Leon. Must be the busser? _Hi. Welcome. Let's see how long u last..._

Merlin grinned. That was encouraging.

Mordred. Who was Morded? _Welcome. Hopefully u won't be an enormous sack of shit like Arthur!!!_

"Charming," Merlin mumbled under his breath.

Gwen: _Hello. We haven't met, but Ygraine told me she hired u. I'm Gwen and I'm a server. Hope we'll have a long and productive work relationship. And a wonderful friendship. We're all just a big happy family, really._

Gwen: _P.S. If u have any questions, I'll be glad to help. Or just hang out. xxx_

Gwen: _PPS. Stay away from Arthur and Leon. One will shag u, the other will annoy u to death. Ur task is to figure out who ;)_

Morgana: _Salutations Hot Stuff. See u later._

Gwaine. Who's Gwaine? _Hey, new arrival. Greetings from Hawaii. The big Y told me she hired a third bartender for the shift while I was away. Means you're third in the pecking-order after me and the heir to the manor born. Just kidding. There is no pecking-order. Ygraine is our mother-god, and we are all her worshiping minions._

Ygraine: _I hope you'll come back, and that Arthur hasn't scared you away. If he misbehaves just slap him._

Morgause: _Welcome kid. New meat is always in season_. Enclosed: a picture of a female lion looking at a goat kid.

"Okay. " Merlin clicked on.

Lancelot: _Hi! Hope u'll come back tomorrow! We're not that bad, u know. Ygraine is sweet. The terrible M's are more bark than bite. Gwen will have ur back. Leon is really okay when u get to know him, Gwaine is a great guy, and Arthur is the best and most loyal friend u can possible get._

" _So_ not in love with him," Merlin mumbled. A new text buzzed. It was from Arthur:

_Hey, want to have lunch tomorrow? Far away from the M and M's. I have to ask u something._

Merlin paused and then he wrote:

"Yes."

The answer came immediately:

_How about Orlando's at 12? U know where that is?_

"Yes."

_Man of few words, huh?_

Merlin answered,

"Yes."

A small pause then Arthur wrote:

_I bet I could make u a lot more verbal..._

Merlin held his breath. A voice in his head said: _ignore it, ignore it, ignore it._ Then he wrote:

"I'm not the one with the gifted mouth." He stalled, thinking: _I can't._ Then he pressed send. The answer came quickly:

_Thinking about my mouth, Toyboy?_

Merlin wrote back,

"No."

_Guess what I'm doing now? Hint. It's something to do with my gifted mouth._

Merlin blushed and wrote,

"I don't want to know. Really."

The next reply was a video. Arthur sitting in front of his screen with a spoon and a plastic cup with chocolate mousse,

"You see, Merlin, I love the consistency of chocolate mousse. The rich, gooey, wobbly feeling on your tongue. The taste of it as I swallow." He dug a spoonful up and sucked it into his mouth. "Mm!" he said, closing his eyes. "But the only problem is that sometimes the spoon is too big and the cup too small. I have to press it ever so slightly into the moist hole," he pressed the spoon into the cup. "Gently but still showing the cup who's in control and dig it _all_ the way down until the tip of the spoon touches the virginal plastic." He jammed the spoon down and let out a sigh, "Was it good for you, too?"

Merlin closed the file and breathed out. A new text appeared:

_Too much?_

"Yes," he answered.

_Too racy?_

He didn't answer.

_Too chocolaty?_

"Shut up."

_Want to be my friendy-wendy?_

"Shut up, you big clod!"

_Morgana? Is that u? What u do to Merlin?_

"Go to bed, u idiot."

_I'll be thinking of u...alone in bed. Holding my spoon._

Merlin couldn't help laughing but didn't answer.

_I felt u laughing,_ Arthur wrote. Merlin still didn't answer. A new text buzzed on his phone. A picture of Arthur with the spoon in his mouth. Merlin took a picture of himself, lying down with his eyes closed. Arthur answered back:

_U'll look better on ur stomach._

"Goodnight Arthur."

_Sweet Dreams, Merlin._

Morgana poured another glass and looked at Morgause,

"Freya and her hot Taffy's just so bloody ... Disney. God, skipping through meadows frolicking with fucking deer. Revolting."

"While you're rough humping Arthur in the back alley." Morgause looked at her, feeling only a little bit guilty.

"Not so much humping, anymore," Morgana said sadly. "More yelling at him in the back alley."

Morgause gathered the mass of blond tresses on her head and let it cascade,

"It's over? He found someone new?"

Morgana lit a cigarette slowly and blew out a perfect o-formed ring before she said,

"I don't know ... but, you know what? Fuck him. Don't want to spoil a perfectly good buzz talking about Arthur Bloody Pendragon." She poured some more red wine for them both. "His birthday's next month. How about his gift is you and me luring him into a public three-way, and then we dump him somewhere dressed in nothing but a tie and a smile?"

Morgause bit her lip,

"You serious?"

Morgana sucked in her lower lip provocatively,

"You know he has it coming. Perhaps we should tape it? And mail it accidentally to Freya? Give her and Merlin a thrill over their chaste tea?"

Morgause said,

"Educating the virgins? I'm in. Let's drink to that."

When Merlin stumbled sleepily out the bedroom, the first thing he saw was Morgana at the breakfast table, without makeup and all dressed in black, drinking coffee with Freya,

"I'm sure he's cheating," she nodded at him, "Glad to see you're still alive. Working with Arthur's tough."

Freya kissed him chastely and obligingly poured him a cup of coffee,

"Morgana's offered to drive me to work until I get my car back."

"You could always take mine," he said.

"No, this is easier," Freya said. "She lives just down the road, and you'll need yours tonight ... you okay?" The last was aimed at Morgana who sighed deeply. Merlin drank his coffee in silence, waiting for Morgana's next words. Freya wasn't that patient and clutched Morgana's hand with her own,

"I'm one hundred percent sure he isn't cheating on you. I can feel such things."

Merlin drank another mouthful of hot coffee.

"He didn't text me back last night," Morgana shrugged and looked worn out. "I sent him eighth messages, and some of them were actually polite." She looked down into her coffee cup. "I think he met someone new."

"Morgause?" Freya said. "No, he wouldn't do that to you. Not after last time."

"He _would_ , but no, Morgause is about sex. This is more." She hunched her shoulders. "He lost interest in arguing. After a fight like we had last night." She pointed at Merlin, "He used to come crawling at two in the morning, horny and drunk as a skunk, begging to be let in. I mean fighting for us is foreplay! Now it's like I don't even exist. He met someone else. Some slut." She looked at Merlin again, "You work with him tonight. You'll tell me if some tart shows up, right?"

Merlin nodded and Freya said,

"Tarts! We could have mini tarts for the wedding. Where did I put my wedding book?" She went into the kitchen, and Morgana fingered a cigarette restlessly. Then she looked at Merlin,

"She has a wedding book?"

"It's a book with notes and recipes, numbers for dressmakers, links for bridal-boutiques ... she gathered them since she was seven."

Morgana blinked,

"Seven? I could barely write at that age."

He smiled and took a piece of toast,

"Me neither. I wanted a spaceship when I was seven, not a wedding."

"I wanted a horse." She sighed and looked almost human. "And I had one. Small and black and round, most perfect pony you ever saw. I called him Albert. Then ... " she looked sad, "I started sneezing and coughing, and my parents blamed dear old Albert."

"You had to get rid of him?"

"Worse," she swore under her breath, "Fuck this," and lit the cigarette. "My parents gave him to Arthur."

Merlin looked up from spreading butter on his bread,

"You knew Arthur when you were seven?"

"Unfortunately, yes. We were neighbours and went to the same school. My mum and dad are friends of Ygraine and Uther's. That's how I got this job. He renamed Albert Pirate. _Pirate!_ " She looked deeply offended. "And rode him everywhere while I just had a bicycle. I cried and cried whenever I saw them together. I don't think I've ever quite forgiven him."

Freya yelled,

"Do I smell smoke?"

Morgana took a deep drag and stumped the cigarette out, yelling,

"No?" She looked at him. "He still has Pirate as a tiny hostage on his parents' estate. When we get hitched, I'll demand him as a wedding present and rename him Albert. Then he'll be mine again."

Merlin smiled,

"At least you then have a valid reason to get married."

Morgana looked at him first with surprise and then with a grin,

"You know I think I'll write that on the invite ... in Arthur's blood."

He walked towards Orlando's enjoying the fine weather and saw that Arthur sat at a table outside, writing on his phone. He looked up,

"Great. I was just texting you." He pulled him into a hug. Merlin smiled nervously, feeling his warm embrace last a little longer than was prudent. "Drink? I'm having wine."

Merlin nodded, thinking about last night's kiss and very naughty messages,

"I could use some wine."

"Another glass and a bottle more," Arthur told the waiter who gave him a smoldering look and a smile. Arthur smiled back and winked, then he looked across the table, "So you came? I almost thought you wouldn't."

Merlin studied his tight, light blue t-shirt showing off his physique while matching his eyes,

"I almost didn't."

The waiter put down a new bottle and a glass, ignoring Merlin, and said,

"Anything else, just whistle."

"We will," Arthur met his eyes. "If we get a craving for something."

"We're always open," the waiter said shamelessly. "If you want a little something to nibble on."

"Nice to know," Arthur said and let his eyes roam down, and the waiter blushed as he walked away. Merlin just looked at him,

"Gawd."

Arthur widened his eyes,

"What?"

"I'm beginning to understand Morgana," Merlin mumbled and Arthur leaned back,

"My girlfriend hates it if I flirt with gorgeous guys because she's jealous. Why do you?" He studied his face with a self satisfied smile.

"Flirt? You practically bent him over the table and shagged him," Merlin said sourly. "And I don't care if you flirt," he looked down pouring the wine. When he looked up Arthur was still watching him, and he blushed, "I _don't._ Couldn't care less who you're - "

"Spooning?"

Merlin drank some wine,

"Listen, I better go." He rose and coughed when the wine went down the wrong way. Arthur sat up straight,

"No, wait." He held out his hands, "I'm sorry. I need your help." He looked embarrassed. "I'm using you as an alibi so you can't go. I'm meeting someone here that Morg mustn't know about and - "

"I don't want to cover for you," Merlin said but sat down regardless. "Freya and Morgana are friends and - "

"They are?" Arthur frowned. "Damn, already? Another spy in her army."

"She was there when I woke up. Picking Freya up for work."

Arthur mulled that over, "She's friends with you, too?"

Merlin shrugged, "No? I hardly know her."

"You'll never know she's attached herself to you before you're in her sticky web. No teary-eyed confessions. Remembering her tortured childhood? That's usually how she reins my friends in."

Merlin hesitated,

"No, she just told me about Albert. If she's that horrible, why are you even together?"

He shrugged,

"I'm a creature of habit, I guess. Albert? Who's that?"

Merlin made a stunned face,

"The little black pony her parents gave you because she was allergic?"

Arthur stared at him and then he said,

"Oh _Pirate!_ And you had the Morgana version. Of course ... "

"And what's the Arthur version?" Merlin said prickly, thinking about Little Morgana crying her eyes out.

"Listen. She's my girlfriend now, and I love her, but she was a really evil child back then. Seriously evil. I mean, Hannibal Lector in miniature."

Merlin looked at him a little skeptical,

"What happened?"

"I had Pirate for my sixth birthday, and Morgana was jealous because her parents wouldn't give her a horse. They were wise to refuse her. Not all small girls should have living things. The day after my birthday Pirate's booth was empty, but there was a note telling us the horse had been kidnapped and would be cut up into pieces and turned into dog food. Very sinister if it wasn't for the fact that the note was written in pink crayon, the thief had misspelled dog and a trail of hoof prints lead to Morgana's home next door."

Merlin grinned,

"Oh no."

"Oh yes, and her father brought Pirate back while Morgana screamed after him: He's not Pirate anymore! He's Albert! I _hate_ you Arthur Pendragon!"

Merlin said,

"Oh god. And then you decided you were made for each other?"

"Yes," Arthur grinned. "At _that_ exact moment." He drank some more wine and lowered his voice. "So ... "

"So?" Merlin asked.

"How long have you and Freya, you know?" He smiled.

"Been dating?" Merlin grinned, knowing it wasn't what he meant, and Arthur wriggled his eyebrows,

"Been exclusively chaste? One month? Two months?"

"A year," Merlin said reluctantly, and Arthur just stared at him,

"A _year._ An entire year? A year without bed-spring noises?" His mouth remained open. "Wow."

"It isn't that bad?"

"Seriously? A whole year without fucking? I can't even imagine that." His eyes grew distant.

"It's not that long..." ( _Yes it is!_ an indignant neglected voice screamed inside of Merlin.)

"God, hope you masturbate, at least? Daily?"

Merlin wasn't going to answer that.

"But wait ... " Arthur narrowed his eyes. "You _have_ had sex before, right? You're not a virgin?"

Merlin shook his head and drank some wine,

"I'm not."

"Okay." Arthur mumbled. "With ... girls? You haven't - "

Merlin slammed down the glass,

"Could we please stop with the Spanish Inquisition?"

"Just asking. But wow. How do you even _walk?_ "

Merlin couldn't help laughing, "Fine, really. One foot in front of the other."

"Huh." Arthur literally shook his head. "I'd be humping your leg by now if it were me..." He grinned. "You must really love her."

"I do. She's everything I ever wanted." He meant it, but when he met Arthur's eyes he still blushed. "I love her," he said softly and Arthur smiled,

"Okay. Just ... I wouldn't have the nerve, that's all." He shook his head and looked away.

( _Ignore it, ignore it_ , the voice said in Merlin's head.)

"What nerve?"

Arthur tongued his cheek,

"To not have sex in over a year, marry someone who never had sex, and then on the wedding night look down at her and hear the words: So that was _it?_ That's what people rave about?"

Merlin just looked at him.

"What if you aren't compatible in the sack? What if the sex sucks? Well, _she_ won't know, but you bugger would. But you're stuck then. Stuck with this virgin goddess who dedicated her vagina to you - "

Merlin made a horrified face, but Arthur still continued,

"So you can't just bloody turn around and say: Okay, I know I swore to love you forever, but, er, after we fucked I realised you're incredibly shitty in bed!"

"Arthur..." Merlin said.

"But _she_ won't know this because she's a bloody virgin. She'll just go along with it, the not that great sex, and you'll get her pregnant with 2,5 children - "

"You have a lot of opinions about my life, considering we don't know each other," Merlin said.

"And you'll have this barren life, humping a wife you're not that into sexually. And then, one day, the virgin will run into the postman or the gardener or the milkman - "

"Milkman?" Merlin said ironically.

"And he'll seduce her in a heartbeat. And then she'll discover a little thing called multiple orgasms!" Arthur looked very clever as he narrowed his eyes.

" _Lady Chatterley's Lover_ made a great impression on you, didn't it?" Merlin said.

"Only read the naughty bits. And she will run away with him, leaving you sad and sod old, drinking at home while masturbating to porn."

"What's your point, really? If you have one?"

"I don't," Arthur said. "I just hope you're sure."

"I am!" Merlin said. "I'm more sure about that than ... And I don't have to have sex every day!"

"Or every month. Or year."

"Whatever." He looked down, praying Arthur had run out of words. He hadn't.

"Your balls have to be blue by now..." He looked like he imagined the sight of them, and Merlin shook his head,

"Who are you meeting here again? Why am I even here?"

Arthur looked confused and then said,

"Right. Er, ex-girlfriend. The only one of them who still talks to me. Sweet girl. When she's in from the country, we book a room and ... talk." He clucked his tongue. "A lot."

"I wonder _you_ can walk," Merlin said, "With those overworked hip muscles."

Arthur roared out laughing, and Merlin realised he just said something very filthy to someone he barely knew. He guessed that was why people warned him of Arthur. "I mean ... forget I said it."

Arthur dried his eyes,

"Are you kidding me? I'll have it printed on my business card. _Arthur Pendragon. Hip muscles Extraordinaire._ " He moved forward and grabbed his hand, "Pity I have to meet Viv. I could have helped you with that blue colour."

Merlin frowned but let his hand be held a little too long,

"What blue ... oh," he yanked his hand away and heard Arthur grin. "Viv?" he said to change topic.

"Mm," Arthur growled. "Gorgeous. Red hair, green eyes, milky white skin."

"Sounds like you have a type. Morgana minus the red hair."

"Yes, Morgana once used a red wig to pass as her mother, but no one was fooled."

Merlin sipped his wine and then realised what Arthur had said,

"Wait what? You're ... meeting Morgana's _mother?_ " He gaped and Arthur shrugged,

"Yeah?"

"You ... you're sleeping with your girlfriend's mother? Are you insane?"

"Could you repeat that a little louder, please?" Arthur said and looked around. "I don't think the entire cafe heard you," and Merlin dropped his voice,

"You're sleeping with her mother!"

Arthur tilted his head,

"Yes, I think we established that, Merlin."

"But ... how?"

"Well, when a mummy bear and a dad - "

"You can't fuck your future mother in law!"

"Apparently I can. What's the problem? Vivienne is bored in Buckingham-shire. Gorlois is nice but insanely dull and only interested in his stable lads," he raised an eyebrow. "She deserves a little pampering."

Merlin moved back,

"Silly me, then. Stupid taffy. I forgot how sophisticated people in London bugger about!" He rolled his eyes and wondered why he sounded like a jealous girl.

"Not stupid. Just a puritan," Arthur said. "This is London 2016, baby! There are no rules, no strings, no has to and do not." He snapped his fingers and grinned at Merlin's face. "We make the rules we live by, not the other way around." Arthur moved his upper-body to a tune only he could hear, and Merlin said,

"Then Morgana knows?"

Arthur stopped semi-dancing in his seat and stared at him,

"Are you taking the piss? She would cut off my dick."

"Yes, that _would_ be a shame for womankind," it burst out of Merlin, again without thinking. Arthur moved and before Merlin could pull away, he had caught his hand again and held it firmly in a warm grip. He let his thumb slowly caress his skin,

"Mankind too," he said, smiling when Merlin tried to remove his hand.

"Let go of my hand, Arthur," Merlin said. He pulled but couldn't get free. Around them a few people smiled, and he could see the cute waiter in the corner scowl at him. "Let go!" he hissed in a whisper.

"Or what?" Arthur teased.

"Oh hello!" Arthur's eyes widened when he heard his mother's voice. He let go of Merlin's hand so abruptly it was yanked back and hit the wine bottle.

"Oh no, I'm sorry!" Merlin babbled to no one, mopping up the spilled wine with his napkin, and saw Ygraine pick up the bottle,

"No harm done. Just a little wine. Merlin sit down! Arthur, stop sexually harassing my staff or I'll cut your willy off. Oh look. Vivienne! Fancy meeting you here! Kiss!"

Merlin looked up in time to see a remarkable youthful looking redheaded woman be crushed in Ygraine's arms. She looked over her shoulder and exchanged terrified looks with Arthur.

"Arthur, you remember your auntie Viv, Morgana's mum? Of course you do. Viv, this dazzling young man is Merlin, our new bartender. You have time for lunch?"

"Er," Vivienne said, lost for words.

"Yes, do! Let's pull up some chairs and lunch with the boys. We'll look so good sitting next to these two young things, mature ladies like us. And we'll save Merlin from being fondled by Arthur. Merlin, I told you to slap him when he gets frisky. Never know _where_ his hands' been. Arthur? Please close your mouth." 


	4. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur has a fondness for big sausages, and Merlin is getting a little tired of innuendos.

When Merlin clocked in that afternoon, he saw Morgana in Arthur's arms. Again. He traded a look with the skinny girl who had warned them about Morgana's approach last night. She smiled,

"Hi, I'm Gwen." and showed a pair of charming dimples and then nodded at the couple, tightly wrapped around each other. "Yes, _ew_ , don't stare directly at them, or you'll go blind. Let's see how long it lasts this time."

"Thank you for the texts," he said. "They were very helpful."

"Oh," she shrugged embarrassed and smiled, "I know what it's like to be new here. Lance told me about you last night. Said you seemed like a nice guy."

Merlin looked at her,

"He waits up for you? You are on different shifts, right?"

"Yes. He's sweet that way." She paused, "Doesn't Freya wait for you?"

Merlin shrugged,

"No, but she studies too, so ... "

"Oh ... well Ygraine changes the servers' shifts a few months at the time due to _Lex Arthur_ , so you'll share the same shift soon."

"What's _Lex Arthur?_ "

"The PEN law. Two months are the maximum time before all servers' hate Arthur or each other because they are in love with him, so we get a new schedule regularly. Don't worry. Bartenders always keep their slots." She turned and greeted a guest before she turned back to him.

"What about you, then?" he couldn't help ask. "Hate him or love him?"

She laughed,

"Neither. Well, hate. No, that's not nice." She glanced at the pair who only had eyes for each other. "Lance just can't ... seem to see his faults. I mean, its Arthur, Arthur, Arthur all day long. He's like a teenage girl with a pop star crush." She looked at him, "Don't tell me you're dazzled too?"

He widened his eyes,

"Me? No. Trust me." He laughed. "I've been here a day, and I'm already knee deep in Arthur's infidelity."

"He's at it again?" She sighed. "Bloody hell. Here we go again. Please say it isn't Morgause this time?"

He paused and then shrugged,

"I'm sworn to secrecy."

She slammed her napkin down on the bar in frustration,

"He makes me so damned angry. The way he treats her."

Merlin looked over at the pair. Morgana had both arms around Arthur's neck and her lips glued to his. Arthur glanced up as though he could sense him watching and winked.

"Morgana?" Merlin said.

"Yes. We've been friends for a long time. She seems ever so tough, but she's very sensitive, deep down."

Merlin tried not to smile,

"Lance said something similar about Arthur."

"The only sensitive thing about him is his knob head." She clasped her hand in front of her mouth, "I'm sorry. I don't normally talk like that. Bloody Arthur Pendragon ... "

"Hi Gwennie," a voice said and Morgause slid past them, sending Merlin a dirty gaze and Arthur an air-kiss behind Morgana's back. Gwen hissed,

"She _is_ at it again - and they're supposed to be friends now! I should tell Morgana!"

"I have to go," Morgana said into Arthur's mouth.

"Okay ..." he mumbled into her tonsils. Leon went past them and made a face. Then he noticed Merlin and almost smiled,

"You still here? Brave man."

"Yes. Thanks for the text, by the way."

He shrugged and smiled,

"Nice to get someone new thrown into the mix for a chance. Oh god, here comes Mummy Dearest."

"Helloooo!" Ygraine stormed into the bar, "Oh good, you're all gathered. Morgause and Lance? I know your shift's up but let's just discuss tomorrow." She looked around the room. "It's Gay Pride as most of you know. Our biggest night of the year. Bigger than New Year and St Pat put together." She breathed in and noticed Arthur and Morgan. "Arthur take your tongue out of her mouth. Now, I need you to come early before six. I have people coming in to do the decorating, but the day staff could use a helping hand. I've asked Lance and Gwaine to work double shifts. _Arthur!_ The theme, of course, is pink. Pink triangles, pink glitter, pink feather boas. If the girls have any pink trinkets at home, feel free to put them on."

"Macho Gays simply do not exist in your pink world, do they, Mother?" Arthur said lazily.

"We have leather night whenever your odd whip loving friends have their annual gathering, so let me have my day in peace. I love pink!" She waved imaginary pompoms. "We're queer, we're here! Think pink!"

Arthur caught Merlin's eyes and shrugged,

"Can't argue with that. How's my father? Still alive?"

"What an awful thing to say." Ygraine puffed. "He's fine. Why shouldn't he be? Totters around at home and pulls things out of my cupboards, making a mess."

"My dad had knee-surgery," Arthur explained to Merlin. "Mum decided he should be kept at home so he didn't chase his secretary while it healed."

"Hold your tongue. Miss Foster is a respectable woman in her fifties with a Siamese cat. Now, the day party will be refined. The guests are cultured men and women. The restaurant will feed people, but I'll have things to nibble on sent in here so people get something besides alcohol in them."

"Oh, they'll get something in them, alright!" Arthur said and Morgana chuckled.

"Morgana, come here," Ygraine said. "Your mother would be appalled."

Morgana untangled herself from Arthur who let his eyes wander over to Merlin and winked again.

"The night parties will, of course, be perverted. Arthur will make sure of that. And I designed new clothes for you all."

A murmur broke out and Ygraine held up her hand,

"I believe what you meant to say was: thank you, Ygraine."

"Thank you, Mother," Arthur said and leaned over the bar. "Please let our t-shirts be pink and skintight. I just love it when you prostitute me to a room of horny guys."

She just looked at him, then she turned and said to Merlin,

"We are extremely pro-LGBT here. I hope you are too? It's important our establishment provide a supportive environment."

Merlin nodded,

"I am. Freya and I have always been pro-gay." He looked out the corner of his eye and saw that Arthur sucked obscenely on a spoon.

"Good," Ygraine said. "I believe all people are equal, but gay people are a little more equal than the rest of us. Arthur, stop that!"

"And that's why Mother has her very own gay husband living with them at home. How is the spoiled pooch?"

Ygraine sighed,

"We have a lodger named Mordred. He works here too. Perhaps you met him?"

Merlin shook his head,

"But he sent me a text last night."

"Good," Ygraine said. "He has excellent manners. I'm sure Arthur didn't bother?"

"Er, yes he did," Merlin blushed. "Several actually."

"Mordred working?" Arthur said. "Okay, we can call it that."

"He keeps me company," Ygraine said coolly. "Takes me to lunch. Is polite to my friends. You could say it's almost like having a son!"

"Saw the trap covered by branches. Still plunged right into it," Arthur mumbled and Merlin smiled.

"And one day Mordred will marry the man of his dreams, and I'll make the biggest and gayest wedding in PEN's history."

"You sure?" Arthur said. "I think Dad's getting tired of paying for your mooch."

"Believe me," Ygraine said and raised an eyebrow. "He had amble practice from when you lived at home. Now, Leon, there is a box behind the bar filled with t-shirts. Just shove Arthur aside and open them. They're just for the bartenders. The servers will have pink cocktail dresses or light pink silk shirts."

Before Leon could move, Arthur had opened the box and held up a very pink t-shirt.

"Fit for a starving ten year old boy," he said. "You never disappoint."

Ygraine smiled a rare smile at her son,

"It's for the cause."

Arthur turned and held the t-shirt up in front of Merlin,

"Yes," he said. "I begin to see your vision. Take off your top, Merl, and put this on."

Next morning was Freya's day off, and she and Merlin decided to go shopping at one of the many outdoor markets in their neighbourhood.

"Uh see!" she let go of his hand to hold up a white lace fabric. "Isn't it lovely for a veil?"

"Funny bumping into you here?" Arthur's voice oozing innuendos made Merlin close his eyes. Freya shrieked and jumped up and down, kissing his cheek,

"Oh, you came, you came! Morgana didn't know if you could make it?"

"Of course I _came_ ," Arthur said and held Merlin's eyes. "When I heard about your plans, I just had to come observe you two in your natural habitat."

"Shit. It's too bloody early for me," Morgana moaned and wrapped herself around Freya, using her shoulder to rest her chin on. "Frey, be a doll and find me some pills and water. My head is killing me." She yawned. "Arthur's mental. We could be shagging instead."

Freya looked up at Arthur and blushed,

"Yes, er ... We'll just go, buy some water?"

He smiled,

"Yes, go, go, go. I'll just keep your fiancee occupied."

She beamed and gently took Morgana's hand, leading her away. Arthur placed his hand on Merlin's behind and squeezed it. Merlin removed his hand and crushed it in his until Arthur cried out,

"Okay, okay!"

Merlin let go, and Arthur rubbed his hand,

"Damn, you're strong."

"I don't like being fondled," Merlin said and tried to sound strict. "Especially in public."

"Must remember to grope you more privately," Arthur leaned in and whispered in his ear. "Too bad, you have a very squeezable bum."

Merlin sighed but unfortunately he couldn't keep a straight face,

"You're impossible."

"I heard," Arthur said and wrapped his arm around Merlin's shoulder. "Uh, look at that! Enormous sausages. Score!"

"Oh no ... " Merlin said.

"Oh yes," Arthur said happily and pulled him forward, "I say, my good man, how much for your incredibly huge salami?"

Merlin closed his eyes.

"For you, my lad, I'll lower the price on the biggest and most juiciest sausage."

Merlin opened his eyes again. The seller was about fifty and handsome in a rugged kind of way. He winked at them and Arthur smiled, digging his fingers into Merlin's shoulder so he couldn't get away.

"Thank you," Arthur said. "Do you have to peel off a layer before you put something that big in your mouth?"

The man chuckled and reached up using both hands to pull down an obscenely looking sausage,

"Normally, you peel the skin back. Only very experienced sausage gobblers should attempt to put something unpeeled in their mouths." He looked lasciviously at them. "Want a taste? You look like you could handle one?"

Merlin jerked away and was pulled back by Arthur,

"He's so impatient. No, Merlin, stop it! I can't pleasure you constantly!"

"I ... what the ... shut up! Merlin protested and blushed, and the man grinned,

"So he's new to the game, then?" He looked Merlin over and nodded at Arthur. "Good for you, mate. All that nervous energy to burn off in the sack." He held the sausage out and said to Merlin, "Now don't be frightened, Love. It'll only hurt in the beginning."

Merlin yanked himself free and stalked away, followed by their laughter. He hadn't gone far before he heard the sound of running steps and felt an arm around his neck.

"Wait up. It was just for a laugh," Arthur grinned. Merlin removed his arm,

"I didn't find it funny!"

Arthur stopped smiling,

"Okay, I'm sorry." He held up his hands. "I just ... saw an opening and went in." He laughed and Merlin turned around, but Arthur grabbed hold of his neck, "No, really. I'll stop now." He looked into his eyes. "Come on, I like you. We're friends, right?"

Merlin felt the anger boil in the pit of his stomach, but Arthur's eyes were honest, for once, and eager to be forgiven.

"Okay," he nodded, trying to ignore the far too warm touch of Arthur's hand on his skin. "Friends."


	5. Like He Cares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Gay Pride. Enough said.

After having brunch together, Freya had become tipsy and Morgana very drunk from too much champagne, so Arthur drove them all home. Freya followed Morgana up and told them to leave; she would stay to make sure she didn't vomit in her sleep. Arthur chatted about Freya in the car, and Merlin had almost gotten to the point where it was safe to relax, when Arthur parked in front of his building,

"Before you go ... " He looked at him seriously, "I have a proposition for you."

Merlin sighed tiredly, "What now? Cunnilingus? Blowjob? Take me anally on the bonnet of your car in front of my building?"

Arthur blinked, "I was just about to suggest you come running with us in the morning. I run with Lance and Gwaine to get out of bed. Without it, I'll just lie in 'till twelve and boink Morgana."

Merlin blushed embarrassed,"Yeah. That sounds ... sure. Why not? Sorry about that."

Arthur eyed him innocently, "Sorry about what?"

Merlin opened the car door, "Nothing. When?"

"We'll come round at seven tomorrow and knock you up. Then we run over to the park to get your breathing up."

Merlin frowned at the words, but Arthur looked genuinely sincere.

"Okay, I'll be ... ready. See you." He got out and slammed the door.

"See you tonight," Arthur said. Merlin walked up the staircase and just before he reached the front door, one of his neighbours, Mrs Thompson, walked out. Arthur yelled, "But I'll gladly fuck you on the bonnet of my car later!" Then he started his car and drove off in a roar. Merlin smiled at his astonished neighbour and fled inside.

Gay Pride Day glittered effortlessly into Gay Pride Night. Merlin had made himself drink a few drinks to remove his inhibitions, and they had left him feeling warm and cheerful. The bar was filled with happy men kissing and dancing, and Gwaine and Lance made it feel crowded but fun behind the bar. Gwane turned out to be a very handsome man with long dark hair. He was much sought out by the guests who occasionally were allowed to feel his hairy chest. Others sucked drinks through pink straws and dreamily studied Lance, who blushed with every compliment and received chaste pecks on the cheek with each tip.

Arthur, being the only blond guy, had a sea of both men and women in front of him, holding court and trading obscene jokes, but Merlin soon began to realise that he seemed distracted. Whenever Merlin looked in his direction, their eyes met, and Arthur didn't look happy. Perhaps it had something to do with the men Merlin attracted. For some reason the muscular tattooed guys found him irresistible and courted him non-stop. Merlin just laughed off their advances and slapped a few eager hands away from his bum, but he more felt than saw that Arthur seemed tense. At one point he came up behind him and placed his hands on his hips, leaning in to speak in his ear,

"You okay there, Toyboy? These blokes not too rough for you?"

Merlin laughed and served a drink for a huge rocker who blew him a kiss,

"No. It's amazing how working with you has prepared me for roaming hands and crude jokes."

"Hm, Arthur just said. Merlin turned and realized they were standing a little too close,

"What? No sleazy comeback? I'm fine, Arthur."

Arthur looked at his mouth almost angrily,

"You look it. Perhaps you shouldn't encourage them so much?"

"Shouldn't what?" Merlin said. "Coming from a man who entertain strangers with sausages analogies that's rich!"

"Oi, barkeep!" a guest called and raised his empty glass. "Let go of your cute boyfriend and serve us a drink and a smile. Can't get enough of those pouty lips!"

"Yes sir!" he said and grinned at Arthur who looked decidedly sour. He walked down to the guest, "What can I get you?"

"You naked in a sling and a jar full of poppers?"

"Sorry," Merlin grinned. "I'm already spoken for. But nice to be asked. What else?"

"Argh, you little tease," the man said and winked. "But I see. Blondie over there looks like he would spank you if we tried. Okay, how about a Tom Collins and a kiss?" He scooted over the money. "Keep the change."

"Thanks. But I usually don't sell myself..." he gave him the drink and couldn't help smiling when they guy, who was very handsome in a tattooed kind of way, looked sad,

"Oh, the kiss wasn't what I paid for. I intend to earn it."

"How would you earn it?" Merlin flirted.

"With my very sad story," the man answered. "My boyfriend broke up with me today of all days. My mother won't talk to me, my dog bit me, and my boyfriend broke up with me. If I'm repeating myself, then it's only because I'm a little bit drunk. The truth is, I don't want to go to bed tonight without being kissed by at-least one gorgeous fella. That would be too depressing!"

Merlin giggled,

"Aww. Okay then." He leaned forward and pressed his lips against the other man's mouth. "There!"

The man laughed, "If you had given me a warning, I would have enjoyed it. One more?"

Merlin rolled his eyes, feeling the drinks in his blood yell: _Go for it!_

"One more." He closed his eyes and opened his mouth. The men grabbed hold of his arms very gently and pulled him a little closer, slipping his tongue into his mouth. Around them people started whooping and hollering, the longer the kiss lasted. Merlin opened his eyes and broke the kiss. The man was flushed and smiling from ear to ear,

"Excellent Pride Day. PEN really delivers. Thank you."

"No, thank _you_ ," Merlin said in a mock imitation of Arthur at his most sauciest, and the crowd of men whistled and a few yelled,

"Me next! Me next!"

Merlin shook his head and returned to work. When he glanced over at Arthur, he saw him looking decidedly angry. Arthur's excitement had long vanished. It wasn't that the sight of an uninhibited, flirting Merlin in a tight pink t-shirt annoyed him; quite the contrary, but the looks on the faces of some of his adoring fans made him furious for some reason.

"That dark haired totty. The cute one," one muscular man said to the man next to him, "I'll have 'im."

"Which one?" a gingerhaired man in a vest said. "God, I'd have 'em all. One by one on all fours or at the same time."

"The blue eyed boy," the first man slurred and pointed. "Yum-mee, come to Papa. I'd remove that t-shirt with my teeth."

Arthur slammed down a bottle of vodka next to them, but they were too drunk to take any notice.

"Look at his arrrrse," the ginger said reverently. "I'd bet you he's tighter to get into than a keyhole."

"I bit you he's a virgin," the first said. "Never been touched. Doesn't quite know it yet, but he's about to learn he's gay. Tonight!"

"He's got someone. Heard 'im say so."

"So? He'll have 'im to tomorrow. Tonight he'll be face down in my pillow while I show 'im why it's called _gay_ sex!"

Arthur had two opportunities. He could break their cocks, or he could set his mark on Merlin for all to see. He gesticulated at Gwaine,

"Gwaine, you and Lance cover for me and Merl, will you?"

Gwaine looked at Merlin who slapped a hand away from his front,

"Yes, but why?"

"You'll see." Arthur moved down the bar, grabbed Merlin's arm and dragged him with him, ignoring his yelp of objection and a storm of protests from his customers.

"Arthur, what the hell are you doing? I'm losing tips!"

"Think you had tips enough," Arthur growled. "Let's dance."

Merlin stopped and stared at the dance floor where men danced by to an upbeat tune, "Are you mad? I'm not gay. I can't dance with a bloke!"

"But you can snog them!" Arthur said through clenched teeth and yanked him out on the dance floor. "Come on, one dance and I'll let go. Believe me, it won't hurt." He pulled Merlin tight and wrapped an arm around his waist. "Come on," he said again against his neck. "Just a dance. Imagine it's that tattooed goon whose tongue you were eating!"

The music changed, becoming slower, more romantic and sultry. Arthur started moving his hips against him and Merlin froze.

"Move idiot," Arthur said with a pained grin. "People are watching."

Merlin sighed and started moving and soon found the rhythm.

"That's right," Arthur whispered in his ear. "Show us London tossers how a real taffy dances."

Merlin smiled and let his body become pliant. It seemed Arthur felt it instantly since he purred. He started moving rhythmically against him, and Merlin followed his movements without thinking, feeling his breathing pick up.

"God," Arthur's mouth was plastered to his ear. "Yes." Every moan from Arthur seemed to send little ripples of pleasure through his body. _The drinks_ , a voice said in his head, _just the drinks_ , but the feel of Arthur's arm around his waist, his other hand clutching his, his breath coming in rhythmic puffs against his skin, had his body react very unsettlingly.

"Arthur," he mumbled almost in pain, but Arthur still held him closer, grinding against him. The song had ended, and a new one started; this one more fast. Arthur moved with the music, forcing Merlin into a faster pace. Onlookers started yelling and clapping, and Merlin knew his treacherous body gave away how aroused he was. Still he thought what the hell? If people grind against you, you get aroused no matter what, and he was not alone. Arthur's straining body was erect, and when they looked into each other's eyes Merlin knew Arthur wasn't ashamed. He tried one last time to pull away, but he was yanked back, and the onlookers applauded, seeing it as part of a very sexy dance. It ended when Arthur bent him back over, still plastering his lower body to him, and Merlin let out a muffled moan before he could stop himself. Then Arthur brought them up to stand, out of breath. His eyes were dark, and he looked confused.

"Merlin," he said and swallowed. "I ... " He let go off him, and Merlin fled out to the restroom where he locked himself inside a stall. He tried to control his breathing, but it was no good. It was the night, the drinks, the unusual attention from so many half naked men. _I'm not gay,_ he reminded himself. _Just haven't had sex for a very long time_. In the end he zipped down his trousers and closed his eyes, trying and failing to conjure up an image of Freya in his head.

When he returned to the bar, Arthur was no where to be seen, and Gwaine slapped his back,

"Sex on the dance floor, eh? Thought that was just a song."

Merlin opened a bottle of water and drank it slowly, ignoring him. Gwaine studied him and said ironically,

"Guess you could use a nice shower right about now?"

Merlin blushed and almost choked,

"I'm not gay. That was just for show. To please the punters."

Gwaine grinned,

"I know, but not that kind of shower. A hot one with soap and water."

Merlin stared at him,

"What?"

"Arthur just scent marked you thoroughly in public, making sure none of these guys run into the night with you. You must be drenched in urine, metaphorically speaking. Funny thing, really ... "

"What?" Merlin repeated.

"Never seem him act like that before."

"Like what? A rutting horny pig?" Merlin said. "I don't believe that."

"No," Gwaine said and looked odd. "Like he cares about you."


	6. I Think It's Penii?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small chapter where nothing really happens, but it's vital for the story.

Merlin worked the rest of the evening in an odd subdued state. Arthur had disappeared, which initially was a relief, but as the hours went by, he started getting nervous.

When the party wound down, he helped close up PEN and then walked out to his car. That was when he saw him. Merlin was unlocking his car, when Arthur walked out of the side entrance with his arms around two men dressed in leather. He didn't look his way but laughed instead fondled one of the men on the rear. Merlin sat in his car for a while, holding on to the steering wheel, thinking: _Bugger!_ Then he drove home.

He woke from a persistent hammering that clashed horribly with the thundering in his head. He turned his head, setting off a new kind of pain, and opened his eyes enough to see it was 7 o'clock. Morning. Seven. Now why did that number seem familiar?

"Merlin, open up!" a voice roared. It sounded like Arthur. It probably was Arthur. He remembered a conversation about someone being fucked on the bonnet of a car leading to a suggestion they should run early next day, which would be now. At seven o'clock. It had sounded like a good idea at the time. He moaned and tried to move.

"Coming," he whispered.

"Oi, Toyboy! Open up!"

"Shut up, your overgrown, walking dick," he hissed through his clenched teeth.

"Merlin!"

"I'm _coming!_ " he mumbled as he scuttled Quasimodo-like towards the door.

"MERLIN!"

He finally ripped the door open and screamed,

"Shut the fuck up you stupid, fucking wanker! Ouch!" The hangover fell on him like a ton of bricks, and he held his head with both hands, whimpering. When no answer came, he looked up and saw Arthur's face look both startled and immensely happy. First then did Merlin realise he was naked.

Arthur yawned and scratched his head,

"Perhaps you should buy yourself one of those old-fashioned jockstraps to hold it all in? You'll only get chaffed by regular built-in underwear."

It had been ten minutes of smutty jokes, dirty innuendos and Arthurisms. A lot of Arthurisms. On the plus side then Arthur seemed to have forgotten about last night in the thrill of teasing him about a new subject. Merlin closed his eyes,

"Are you done with the penis jokes? Please?"

"What? You should be delighted to be so well endowed!" Arthur giggled. Merlin swallowed and longed for a drink. "You just joined a very exclusive club at PEN consisting of one. Me." He winked. "Gwaine and Lance are all right. They'll do, size wise. Mordred, for his size, is mildly okay. Leon, on the other hand - "

"One. Could we _not_ start this awful day by comparing penises?" Merlin moaned.

"I think its penii?" Arthur said thoughtfully.

"Two. How on _earth_ do you know the penis size of everyone at PEN?"

Arthur grinned,

"I can't answer two without violating one ... "

"Just answer." Merlin put his sunglasses on to avoid the scorching white sun and studied Arthur's face pretend to be innocent.

"We have midnight swims. Everything comes off and I look." He looked at Merlin's lower body and sighed, "Just too bad."

"What?" he asked, not really wanting to know.

"That all _that_ is to be purchased by a little chaste virgin."

"Why did I even ask?" Merlin said.

They had worked up a sweat and took a breather while letting a woman with two overweight chihuahuas run past them. The chihuahuas growled menacingly, and Arthur said,

"That's right. I should give my mother a call. She properly alerted the police by now."

Merlin straightened his back,

"You haven't let anyone know you're alive? Morgana was so worried last night she called Freya. Why didn't you call her?"

Arthur shrugged,

"She's a little, what's the word I'm looking for, clingy? Haven't you noticed that?"

Merlin scoffed,

"Yes. Extremely so, but I thought you preferred it that way?"

Arthur made a face,

"I only want to be that close to people when I f ... have sex with them." He looked at him slyly. "Or dance."

"O-kay," Merlin decided. "Time to run again. Didn't you say Lance and Gwaine would join us or was that a lie?"

"Oh, they are unconscious by now. Double shifts and Gay Pride wore them out. We usually run together." He fell back a little as Merlin advanced, who yelled back over his shoulder,

"Can't keep up with me, old man?"

"I most definitely can," Arthur said. "I just like the view."

Merlin didn't turn around so Arthur wouldn't see him smile.

Later they walked back toward the car and Merlin said,

"So ... what did you do last night?"

Arthur paused and busied himself with tinkering with his keys. In the end he said,

"Huh?"

"Last night?" Merlin opened the car door and sat down in the coolness. "Who did you go home with? According to Morgana you weren't home?"

Arthur shrugged,

"No one. I just ... stayed at PEN in one of the offices. I must have missed you closing up."

Merlin looked at him,

"You didn't go home with anyone? From the party?" If he didn't know any better, he would have sworn he saw Arthur blush,

"No."

Morgana was working her shift, serving customers, but spent most time checking her phone, complaining about Arthur to Morgause, crying in Freya's arms and being annoyed with Mordred who kept following her around, insisting he saw Arthur with two men the night before.

"So? He has gay friends. He's allowed to." She applied a fresh layer of makeup in the restroom after her last emotional breakdown. Mordred made a face,

"Haven't you noticed how he _looks_ at guys?"

"He's just very friendly," she insisted. Then she turned and looked at him, "What are you doing in the ladies? No men allowed."

"I'm not a man," Mordred said. "I'm your friend. Your gay friend who lives with Arthur's parents, and who knows every _single_ secret Arthur has. Last night I rummaged through his room. Porn mag central! And not girlie porn."

She rolled her eyes at her own reflection in the mirror,

"Arthur hasn't lived at home since he was seventeen. Lots of boys go through phases ... " she turned and gave him a sultry stare, "I remember your _straight_ phase. Does that mean you're a heterosexual today?"

He made a disgruntled sound, and she grinned, "But I wonder where he is? Freya knew nothing. Merlin was out cold, but ... Ygraine says he's probably drunk as a skunk somewhere, sleeping it off between the legs of some cow."

"Or guy," Mordred said. She gave him a withering look,

"I have decided to marry him. So bottled up the homo rumors, okay?"

"I saw him and Merlin dance last night," Mordred informed her. "Close. At Gay Pride. Did I say close?"

"Yes, of course," she said. "Ygraine likes the bartenders to engage with the public."

"Well, he was engaging alright. With Merlin's groin. Two more seconds and they'd been shagging on the dance floor."

She met his eyes in the mirror and frowned, but then she shrugged,

"Arthur will jump anything with a pulse, but I know for a fact that Merlin is straight. 100 percent."

"Speaking of straight people then Lance looked good last night." Mordred took a drag of his cigarette and laughed at Morgana's expression.

"Mordred, _no!_ " she said and looked delighted.

"No to what? He is gorgeous and doesn't even know it! Much like Merlin ... " he eyed her and she giggled,

"Him too?"

"Him and all. They're _all_ hot," he said. "And so delusional about their sexuality. But after last night I know Merlin, at least, can be turned."

"Gwaine isn't exactly delusional," she said to her own reflection. The door opened and Ygraine said,

" _There_ you are. Mordred, the girls' privy is off-limits for boys. Get out!" She looked at Morgana's concerned face, "I just had a text from him, Dear. Don't worry."

Morgana dropped her lipstick in the sink,

"What? Where is he?"

Ygraine sighed and put on her glasses,

"Doesn't make sense but does he ever? At least he's alive." She pulled out her phone, " _Oi Mum. Stop shout txting with all caps on. Hungover. On run with Merl. Tell M not to fuss. A._ " She shrugged, "His language is abysmal."

Morgana stopped smiling,

"He runs with Merlin? Oh." She turned and saw Mordred wink at her. Gwen came through the door with a mobile in her hand,

"Ygraine, Uther is cal – " she stopped, "Mordred, get out of here!"

He shrugged, "Trust me, I'm not here to score. If I were, I'd go spy on Lance!"

She hit after him and he chuckled, hiding behind Ygraine who yelled,

"No fighting here. It's grounds for dismissal." She took the phone from Gwen, "Thank you, darling. Hi darling! Yes, yes, I'm coming home now. Yes, no, Mordred's with me." She waved Mordred out the door. "What you mean _blast!_ He lives with us! Oh no, let's not start that again!"

The door closed behind them, and Gwen looked at Morgana with a tense gaze. In the end Morgana turned and said,

"Whats the matter?"

"You're not going to like this," Gwen said lightly. Morgana sighed,

"No more rumours about Arthur and Merlin, please! Mordred's beside himself with that gay fantasy - "

" _Merlin?_ " Gwen looked surprised. "No, not Merlin. But perhaps I shouldn - "

"You should," Morgana said. She turned, leaning against the sink, arms crossed, "If not Merlin, then who?"

Gwen mimicked her without knowing it,

"Morgause!


	7. Happy Birthday You Fucking Son of a Bitch!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Arthur's birthday, but not everyone is in a party mood.

A month had gone by since Merlin started working at PEN. It was Arthur's birthday, and Ygraine had decided to close PEN for the entire day in honour of her oldest child, or, as she put it, minimize the scandal by keeping the orgy indoors.

Freya had bought a present for Arthur, a fluffy bunny holding a red corduroy heart on where it was printed: _I heart you._ Merlin had then decided to buy his own gag gift; a miniature salami that Freya kept insisting was too embarrassing and cheap to give anyone.

"He'll know what I mean," Merlin said. "It's between us." He wrapped the tiny sausage up in bulky newspapers so it looked huge and whistled as he wrapped it up once again in gold wrapping paper. Freya hugged him from behind, and he smiled.

"Merlin?" she whispered and he said,

"Hm?"

She let her arms slide around his waist and interlocked her hands,

"I've been thinking ... " She pressed her body against his. "I know I said we should save ourselves for the wedding night?"

"Yes," he looked back and smiled.

"But I thought," she let go of him and let her fingers walk up his arm while she attempted to make a seductive face, "If you really want to, we might tonight?"

He turned and looked down at her,

"Might what?"

She looked up at him and swayed a little,

"You know ... get to know each other better?"

He narrowed his eyes,

"Are you saying we should have sex?"

She blushed and then bit her lip, nodding. He sighed,

"That's so sweet."

She frowned.

"But you don't have to. I'm fine," he said.

"But," she pouted, "I just wanted - "

"To make me feel better. But you would be sacrificing something that means a lot to you, and ... it's amazing you would do that for me, Frey, but I can't let you do it."

She frowned,

"You can't _let_ me?"

He put his hands on her shoulders,

"This is your dream. An old fashioned wedding and I respect that. Don't think because Morgana or Morgause tease you, that you have to go against your principles."

"But I – " she tried again, and he leaned in and kissed her affectionately on the forehead,

"I'll live. But I'm looking forward to us finally getting to ... know each other. On our wedding night. Where did I hang my suit?" He walked into the living room, and she stood, holding the package with the heart bear. Then she threw it on the bed.

Arthur was smoking in the parking lot behind PEN when they arrived.

"Hi Arthur," Freya said. "Er, what are you doing here?" She attempted to hide his gift behind her back.

"Waiting until Mother is ready to surprise me with my spontaneous party." He looked at them, "Which explains the suit, tie and ballgown. Are those my pressies?"

Merlin threw his present to him,

"How old are you now? Seventy?"

"In dog years, yes." He bent down and kissed Freya's cheek, "Thank you, sweetheart." Then his arm yanked out and pulled Merlin closer, "Pucker up, big boy. I want a birthday smooch."

"Don't hold your breath," Freya said, surprisingly cold. "Merlin's abstinent." She walked into PEN and slammed the door behind her, and Arthur looked surprised after her,

"Kitten has claws. What did you do to her? Normally I have to sleep with a woman to make her hate me like that."

Merlin shrugged,

"Nothing? I don't know what got into her. She was fine earlier." He was yanked even closer, and Arthur dropped his voice,

"I know what will get into you now. My tongue."

Merlin rolled his eyes and didn't even bother to fight him,

"Worst comeback ever."

"But _very_ effective," Arthur said. "Come on. A pre-pressie kissie?"

Merlin leaned in and took his lower lip between his lips and sucked it slowly. The response from Arthur was starling. He growled hungrily and turned him around, slamming him against the nearest wall. Merlin let go of his lip and pushed him away,

"That's all you get!" He pushed his way past him and Arthur said,

"Tease!"

Inside people had already begun the party, and Ygraine yelled,

"There he is! Birthday boy!" and people applauded. "Freya told us you knew all along, so we didn't bother to hide."

Arthur looked over at the bar where Freya downed a cocktail angrily.

"But come, come, we all have presents for you."

They dragged him over to where all the tables in the restaurant had been pushed together to form one enormous table, nicely set with white table cloths and the finest cutlery, and one corner had a tower of festively wrapped presents.

"You'll never open them all anyway, so we'll do it with you. Everyone, take one and tell us what's in it," Ygraine said. Gwaine's arm reached over Arthur's shoulder with a tall drink,

"Here. Drink. My other present is an inflatable male doll I christened Merlin."

Arthur laughed,

"Ta. It'll come in handy." He sipped his drink. "Oh god, thanks for this too. Merlin?" He pointed at a tall man with short grey hair, carrying an armful of small dogs. "That's my father."

Uther looked up and nodded at Arthur who nodded back. "That was emotional. Now we don't have to acknowledge each other until Christmas."

Mordred popped up next to Uther and tried to take one of the dogs. Uther resisted and a tug of war started that ended when the dog snapped at Mordred with tiny but sharp teeth. He wasn't bit but still screamed loudly, alarming Ygraine who pulled him to her bosom while she scolded Uther.

"A picture of their life together," Arthur said. "Poor father. One of these days Mordred will find himself out on his shapely butt."

Gwaine chuckled when Merlin sighed. Arthur then said,

"The man over there," he nodded in the direction of a elder man with long steel grey hair, "Is my Uncle Gaius. Mumsy's brother. And these two very attractive people are his lovers."

Merlin looked over and saw a man and a woman many years younger than Gaius. They were both blonde, fit, tanned and at that moment busy kissing.

"His lovers?" Merlin's mouth stood open.

"Yes, well it works for them, I guess. The bloke's Percy and the girl's Elena. Both ditsy as hell but surprisingly sweet. Mumsy hired them to work here. They're both bartenders, and apparently we need a third shift for weekends or diseases?"

"Great," Gwaine said and ogled Percy. "I hate those double shifts. Though I would volunteer if it meant teaming up with Perce again. We all go way back, Merlin."

"I think she's teaming them up together," Arthur said. "Apparently Elena is anyone's after a few drinks so she _has_ to work with a gay guy."

" _I'm_ gay," Gwaine said insulted.

"And after a few drinks you're a slut for anything with a pulse," Arthur said dryly.

"At least I need a drink to become slutty," Gwaine retorted. "What about Percy, then? Is he still slutty these days, or did he change?"

They looked over at Percy who sucked on Elena's finger while Gaius viewed them both with a twinkle in his eyes.

"He's in a relationship with an old man and a girl. I'll leave you to your own conclusion." Arthur grinned and then said, "Hi Gwen."

Gwen stopped and bit her lip,

"Hi Arthur. Er...my present is over there." She looked down and then up, "Happy birthday. Got to go." She twirled around and fled. Arthur looked at Gwaine and Merlin,

"What was that about?"

Gwaine shrugged,

"She's been acting funny the last month."

Merlin looked after her but didn't say anything. A voice then said,

"Hello, Birthday Boy."

They all turned and saw Morgana and Morgause side by side. Morgana leaned in and kissed Arthur on the mouth,

"Happy birthday, darling," she pulled back. "Enjoying your day?"

"I do _now_ ," he said. "Nice little dress almost clinging to you."

Merlin noticed that both girls seemed to have crawled into a sparkling stocking clinging to their bodies and showing ample cleavage. Morgana's was green, Morgause's black.

"We have a pressie for you," Morgause purred.

"Oh goody, where is it?"

A roar sounded from the gift table where Ygraine unpacked a strap on dildo and shrieked.

"Oh, it's tightly wrapped in green and black," Morgause said. "We both chipped in."

He paused and then said with a growing grin,

"You mean?"

Morgana wrapped her arms around his neck,

"Remember when you said your fave fantasy was you, me and a third girl bollocks naked in nature?"

"And you said: _Hold your bloody breath until doomsday, you sick pervert_ ," Arthur remembered.

"Well," she said and gabbed his tie, pulling him towards the door while Morgause laughed and tried to keep her balance in inch high heels. "Today's doomsday."

The phone rang when they were getting out of the car. Merlin said,

"Yeah?"

Arthur's voice sounded strangely forced.

"Great! Finally! Don't you ever pick up?"

"I just un-muted it. What's the matter - "

Freya, who still was very sullen, stalked up the stairs and disappeared into the building.

"I'm standing at an petrol station, freezing my arse off. Morgana dumped us in bloody nowhere and did a runner with all our kit!"

Merlin said,

"What? Who are _us?_ "

"No _what_. Just come get us and bring some clothes. For me and Morgause. Preferable before the next bloody car comes to fill up on petrol!" The line went dead.

Merlin thought: _Where?_

The mobile rang again,

"Bloody bollocking payphone. I had to break into it to get coins. Who knew they still existed? We're in ... Wait, do you have a pen?"

He found them hours later at the petrol station. Neither Arthur nor Morgause made any attempt to hide their nakedness as they embraced him, and only Merlin seemed to find the scene embarrassing.

"Brilliant!" Morgause shoved them both aside and dug into the bags of clothes when they sat in the car. She pulled on a t-shirt and jeans while saying, "And what do you think that walking knob head suggested? _We're naked, we're outdoors. How about making some body heat, babe?_ " She stared at Arthur with hatred in her eyes, and he returned the glare,

"Says the cow who planned this. Yeah, you were in on it all along."

"Until you told her I was the one shagging you!" she yelled back. Arthur rolled his eyes and pulled on some socks,

"She fucking knew already, Morgause. She said so!"

"Then who blabbed?" Morgause turned with sudden fury in her eyes, "Was it you?" She pointed at Merlin. "If you - "

"Calm down," Arthur said. "He wouldn't do that. Who is Morgana's best friend? Who pumped Merlin about me? Who has been acting strange? Who hates me enough to tell Morgana?"

"Mordred?" Morgause suggested and combed her hair with her fingers.

"No, he would never tell her straight away. He would come to me first and try to blackmail me. No, its _Gwen!_ "

They had finally managed to get Morgause's next door neighbour to lock her in with her spare key, and Merlin then drove Arthur home. Arthur, by then, had decided it was a great prank and declared he admired Morgana's pluck, but his cheery disposition vanished when he opened the door to his apartment with the aid of a hidden key and saw someone had opened every faucet in the apartment and flooded it. On the pristine white walls the same someone had written in bright red lipstick:

_Happy Birthday You Fucking Son of a Bitch!_

Arthur pulled the covers up and tried to get settled on the sofa. He glanced down at Merlin who stretched out on the mattress he had found in the living room. Apparently petite Freya gained superpowers when she was mad.

"You know, this is the worst sofa I've ever slept on," he mumbled. "And I have slept on a few."

"Then think about that the next time you get the urge to fuck your girlfriend's girlfriend," Merlin mumbled. Arthur sighed,

"How's the mattress."

"Fantastic. Broad, bouncy and soft in the right places."

Arthur sighed again.

"Get down here," Merlin growled in the end, and Arthur yelped out when he dragged his pillow and cover down on the mattress. "But no touchy-feely." Merlin said. "No dicks in the back or Brokeback hand-jobs. You get that?"

"Yes Mother," Arthur mumbled. When Merlin thought he was asleep, he said, "Very decent of you to let me stay here."

"Don't mention it."

"But it is."

"It's just until your place is renovated," Merlin pointed out.

"But it is."

"Shut up and go to sleep." Just before Merlin fell asleep he heard Arthur's muffled voice,

"I knew we would sleep together some day."

Merlin opened his eyes,

"What?" But the sound of light snoring indicated Arthur had gone to sleep. Merlin lay for hours staring out into the darkness. He could feel his presence next to him, like a huge dangerous beast breathing, waiting patiently. _Bugger._


	8. When You Haven't Had Sex In Over a Year -

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Merlin has sex - but not with Arthur. (Sorry.)  
> Graphic gay sex act and gratuitous examples of Arthur sexually teasing Merlin.

Freya hurried through breakfast and only stopped to smile admiringly at Arthur's naked chest,

"I have to run. Tell Merlin I love him. I have to be there before Morgana and Morgause arrive or else they'll kill each other." She pecked his cheek and giggled when he winked at her. When the sound of her steps became lighter on the stairs, he dropped his shorts and went into their bedroom with a diabolical grin. Merlin was still under the showers, and Arthur stopped briefly to admire his body through the glass door before he opened it and slipped in. He was shampooing his hair,

"Good, I thought you'd gone. Hey, could you adjust the water for me? It's too cold, and my hands are slippery."

Arthur reached behind him mutely and adjusted the temperature.

"Thanks. Oh god, I'm so tired today. A week with Arthur keeping us up at night ... "

"I love to keep you up," Arthur said and grinned when Merlin almost slipped and fell. He grabbed hold of him, and Merlin yelled,

"What the fuck are you doing? Get out!" He tried to grab hold of him, but his eyes were shut to avoid the shampoo, and Arthur just grinned,

"I need a shower and couldn't wait 'till you finished your maidenly ablutions. Let me help." He turned him around and pressed his hard cock against his bum so Merlin yelped. "It's just morning wood, you dick," Arthur said. "Raise your head."

Merlin obeyed and the warm water hit him just right. He felt Arthur's fingers dig into his hair, kneading it, and couldn't help when a moan escaped his lips. Arthur laughed behind him,

"Yeah, me too," but he didn't do anything else. When Merlin's hair was clean, Arthur turned him around so he could catch his share of the water. He took the soap and a sponge and soaped himself in, conscious that Merlin remained, watching him. The feeling of his eyes on him was arousing, but he pretended not to notice him there. At one point he started washing between his legs, and Merlin let out a muffled moan and fled. Arthur stopped smiling after he had gone. Instead he grabbed his cock, closed his eyes and imagined...

The next morning Merlin rose an hour early but still Arthur sat freshfaced at the breakfast table and beamed when he saw him,

"Morning Toyboy, I made coffee."

Merlin blushed and smiled and sat down conscious he was only wearing a towel. Arthur poured the coffee and leaned in to sniff him,

"Mm, spicy."

Merlin could feel the heat from his body and tried to smile,

"I always wear that cologne."

"I know. It just smells so much more potent when your skin is moist and wet."

Merlin closed his eyes.

He was watching a film when Arthur threw himself down next to him,

"What are you watching? Porn?"

"A film," Merlin said dryly.

"No! Is that what it is?" He scooted closer and smiled. "Hi."

Merlin looked at him and then turned away, "Hi."

"Why are you so glum?" Arthur sulked. "You look so handsome when you smile."

"Oh my god," Merlin rolled his eyes. "Do you study a harassment handbook?"

"What harassment? I'm just making conversation."

"Shut up. I'm trying to watch a film."

Arthur sat a little while trying to find interest in the film. Then he said, "I bet I could get you to laugh."

"You could get me to smile if you shut up," Merlin mumbled.

"I'm bored."

"Read a book."

"Give us a smile."

"No."

Arthur placed his finger in Merlin's side and started moving it back and forth. Merlin shrieked and moved away. Arthur followed and threw himself over him, tickling away. Merlin screamed out, half-choked from laughter alone, and didn't have enough air to ask him to stop. Arthur managed to maneuver himself on top of him, holding him down while he ticked his side and stomach. Freya had mentioned the day before just how ticklish Merlin was and by god, she was right...

Freya was watching her favourite vampire film for the hundredth time. Merlin sat next to her trying not to fall asleep. Arthur sat next to him and yawned before he leaned in,

"How many films are in this series?"

"Thousands," Merlin answered. "They spawn one out each year. The vampire genre is very hot right now."

Arthur stared at him, "There are vampires in this film?"

Merlin laughed, "You didn't exactly follow the plot, did you?"

"There's a plot?" Arthur laughed back.

"Hush," Freya scolded. "This is the best part."

"I know," Arthur whispered. "We've seen it a couple of hundredth times already."

Merlin laughed and turned to face him, and Arthur noticed how his deep blue eyes sparkled when he was happy. He reached out and touched his lips, and Merlin let him, for once not on guard. Arthur let the finger sketch out Merlin's lips reverently while he let his eyes tell him exactly what he wanted to do to his mouth. Merlin blushed deeply and looked down, and Arthur resisted an impulse to just pull him in and kiss him until none of them had any breath left.

"Oh look. The gay fang kiss!" Freya announced and stuffed some sweeties into her mouth. Merlin breathed out and stood up,

"Gotta go to the loo," he said quickly. Arthur looked after him and then fell back on the sofa, listening to Freya sing the title song.

Ygraine created a Blond(e)/Brunet(te) party game at PEN where the bartenders were divided according to hair colour as they competed for customers. She had drafted Elena and Percy from the day shift to make up a blond team with Arthur, and Merlin, Lance and Gwaine made up Team Brunet. The blonds started by offering a free kiss with each cocktail, which made the brunets take suggestions from their customers to racy film scenes they should act out. Arthur answered by having Elena sit on his shoulders, pouring shots down into people's open mouths, and the competition culminated when Lance and Merlin dropped their shirts and let Gwaine eat jello shots from their chests. Luckily Ygraine had driven home to Uther by then.

Team Brunet was crowned the winner with much pouting and objections from Team Blond. Gwaine pulled Merlin in, drunk from too many jello shots, and they kissed. Arthur, who had been drinking steadily all evening, slammed a chair down he was putting away and marched over to rip Merlin away from the kiss. He then pounded his fist into Gwaine's face and cheered with delight when he was knocked out.

"Are you crazy!" Merlin screamed at him, and Arthur looked at him hurt before he turned and left.

Merlin looked at Gwaine's nose and said, "I don't think it's broken."

"I'm okay," Gwaine sniffled. "Now it stopped bleeding."

Merlin removed the cloth, "But it won't look good tomorrow."

Gwaine grinned, "If Ygraine objects, I'll tell her who's to blame." He looked up at him, "Thank you by the way. If you hadn't stopped him, Arthur would have killed me."

Merlin shrugged and removed the blood-soaked cotton, "He had no business hitting you."

Gwaine smiled, "Liar. He had every reason to be upset."

"I don't think so," Merlin said, avoiding his knowing eyes.

"Don't you? That boy has a crush on you, and you let another bloke eat food of your body. Tell me you didn't do it to annoy him?"

"I did it too teach him I wasn't his thing," Merlin said. "Besides I'm not gay so his so called crush on me is moot."

"Yes, I know. You keep telling me. But he clearly has feelings for you." Gwaine kept looking at him.

"He has feelings for every hole he sees!" Merlin grinned at Gwaine's horrified face. "And I don't have any for him. I love Freya. I worship her. We're getting married."

"And yet you do Dirty Dancing with a bloke? And just so you know it, part of your body apparently thinks you're gay."

Merlin shook his head, "It's like prison. When you haven't had sex in over a year - "

"What?" Gwaine looked shocked. "But you said you and Freya - "

"She wanted to wait. Now, I'm afraid to ... hurt her. She's so innocent and trusting. It's actually a turn off this whole virgin thing."

"Oh, you poor thing." Gwaine rose and knelt in front of him. "No wonder Arthur's pheromones are messing with your cock. Let me."

"What are you doing?" Merlin gasped when Gwaine opened his belt,

"Releasing you? No, it doesn't mean you're gay. You just need some release or you'll do something really dumb and mess up your life. There." He zipped down his pants and took out Merlin's straining cock. "My, that's impressive ... Arthur was right for once!"

Merlin answered with a choked sob when Gwaine caressed his cock head with his thumb, "Probably ... not ... best idea?" he gasped out, thinking: _Oh please don't stop_.

"I won't tell," Gwaine said. "Consider this a help from a pal." He took him in his mouth, and Merlin involuntarily shot his pelvis forward, ramming into his mouth,

"I'm sorry, god, it's just ... "

Gwaine pulled out, "It's okay. I kinda like it rough," then he dove in around Merlin's cock, taking it all, and Merlin flopped back in his chair, letting it happen, thinking: _Gonna regret this so much tomorrow_. Out loud he said,

"Oh fuck yes. Suck it."

Arthur locked himself in and lumbered out into the kitchen. Freya stood in front of the refrigerator dressed in a tight sleeveless t-shirt and tiny shorts, drinking milk out of the carton. She looked at him, milk mustache and all,

"Hi! Where's Merlin? Isn't he with you?"

"I don't know," he slurred. "Last time I saw him, he was giving Gwaine a lap-dance."

She looked at him stunned, "That's not true."

"Isn't it?" he said bitterly. "He doesn't love you. He's a tease. He grinds against you, lures you and then he leaves you and let another guy lick jello shots from his navel."

"What?" Freya put the milk back and closed the refrigerator door.

"Yeah, horny bastard. Gwaine's properly having him now. Fucking him in his bed." He looked at her breasts in the see-through top, "You look good. Nice, er, top."

She blushed and pulled down the top, which only tightened it.

"You know you're too good for him, baby," he went closer. "Too damn perfect and sweet and pure."

She shrugged and looked sad, "Too pure, that's right. Think he's bored with me. There's all these willing girls at PEN, so pretty and perky and experienced. He's probably with one of them now." Her eyes filled with tears.

"Well," Arthur took hold of her shoulders and looked down her cleavage. "Virginity can be quite a turn on for some men."

"Yeah?" She shook her hair and looked into his eyes. "Until Morgana or Morgause or that new Elena struts by. Or the new hostesses? Have you seen them. Oh ... " she gasped when he caressed her naked shoulders.

"I'm sure he only has eyes for you and your ... " he swallowed, "soft skin." His hands slid over her shoulders, and she gasped again,

"Nimueh is gorgeous, don't you think? And Catrina, god, they are all so advanced. I'm just a dumb girl from Kent."

"Can't fucking believe Merlin hasn't been to bed with you yet? How..." his voice trailed as he looked into her eyes. Her face was tilted up and her lips parted.

"I wanted him to," she whispered. "I offered we could, uh," she said when his fingers slipped under the straps holding the skimpy top up. "My. Your fingers are so ... rough."

"He said no?" Arthur said incredulously, and she blushed under his stare.

"Yes," she whispered. "Made me feel so ... ugly."

"You're _not_ ugly!" he breathed out and slowly pulled the top over her head. She gasped when she stood with naked breasts. "Freya, fuck this, you're gorgeous!"

"I am?" she smiled shyly. "Nothing like Morgana, though."

"Nothing like Morgana at all," he whispered and placed his hands on her breasts and she gasped,

"Arthur!"

Merlin reasoned that a favour to a friend was worth a service back. He couldn't imagine himself putting a cock in his mouth, but he had a hand, and Gwaine was soon lying on his back on his bed while Merlin used his slicked up hand to bring him off quickly. Or that was the plan. Merlin realised that giving a man a handjob, bringing him pleasure, was different than pleasuring a girl. It was the first time he touched another man's penis, but he knew his own and discovered that the things he liked to do to himself drove Gwaine absolutely wild. He was soon reduced to a sweating moaning heap on the bed while Merlin tried out things, slowing it down when Gwaine was coming close and picking up speed when he became too coherent. The other odd thing was that it was making himself excited again. He hadn't bothered to pack himself in when they moved to the bed, and soon it was impossible from the erection he was sporting.

"Merlin!" Gwaine gasped. "If you don't let me come sooon!" His voice ended in a yelp when Merlin did something evil with his wrist. He let go and Gwaine almost sobbed.

"Gwaine? I know we hadn't planned this, but ... will you let me fuck you?"

Gwaine's head jerked up, "What? You'll do that?"

Merlin sat looking very much ready and smiled embarrassed, "I just want to try. Once. To see how it feels."

"Fuck yeah!" Gwaine said and pulled the t-shirt over his head. "But I want to be naked for this. There's condoms and lube on the table!"

Merlin pulled one on with shaking hands and breathed out. Okay, technically it was infidelity, but ... yes, and actually Freya had offered to … but he had freaked when she wanted to go to bed with him. She was so innocent. Almost made of glass. What if he did something wrong, and she ended up hating sex? Especially after having waited so long? This with Gwaine was really just like a hand job and not really sex (oh, yes it is!) but ... Gwaine looked at him through his parted legs,

"Chickening out?" He grinned when Merlin shook his head. "Well, come on, sailor! The gate's up!"

Merlin knew better than just to ram himself inside. He had had anal sex with a girlfriend before and remembered with painful clarity that it took a lot of lube to be comfortable for both of them. Gwaine, though, seemed to enjoy it when he lubed him up, mumbling,

"Emrys, you have hidden talents," and he chuckled when he felt his body respond, at one time saying, "Okay. You in me now, or it'll be over before you know it."

He moved in, placing his cock head against Gwaine's puckering opening. Gwaine groaned and raised up, whispering,

"Yes," and Merlin slid in inch by inch, feeling the incredible hotness close around him


	9. A Leopard Never Changes Its Spots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur has sex - but not with Merlin. (Sorry again.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter with kind of graphic straight sex.

"Gwaine ate jello shots on Merlin's body," Arthur said and Freya said,

"What?"

"He licked his nipples!" Arthur continued and breathed hot breath at her exposed breasts.

"Oh my," she whispered uncomfortable and her eyes widened. "Perhaps you shouldn't - "

He looked down at her,

"You call the shots, baby. I'll back off and go sleep on the sofa."

She covered her breasts with her hands,

"I think that's best."

He smiled,

"Of course, Kitten. I'll just take a shower." He pulled his t-shirt over his head and turned away.

"Wait!" She removed her hands from her breasts, and he turned, taking her in with a long, warm gaze. She was staring at his upper body. "I'm not a kitten or a baby or a child. I'm a woman and I'm damn tired of not being treated like one!"

"You look like a woman to me," he said and looked her over quite thoroughly. "You are over eighteen, right?"

"I'm twenty-three!" she said offended and he grinned,

"Just checking, but ... if you greet Merlin like that when he comes home, I'm sure he'll reconsider his chastity vows."

She swallowed and said,

"I ... don't want to wait for Merlin."

He stepped forward and removed the milk mustache from her upper lip with a finger, making her lean into his touch. He sucked the milk off his finger, and she nearly panted.

"That some cute shorts you have on," he said. He slowly yanked them down, and her breathing intensified as she stood naked,

"Arthur, please?"

"Yes," he said and lowered his head, taking a nipple into his mouth. She cried out and grabbed hold of his hair. When he let his tongue play with the nipple, she began to shake. He removed his mouth and went to his knees,

"That's just the beginning." He pressed his face into her groin, and she shrieked,

"Oh no!"

"Oh yes," he mumbled into her, and she shivered from the vibration of his murmur.

"I only go as far as you want," he said and let his tongue flicker. She bucked into his mouth and screamed,

"Oh god, stop!"

He pulled back and looked up. Her eyes were dark and her mouth open.

"Stop?" he whispered.

"No, don't stop!" she whispered back. "Don't ever stop."

He pulled her down to lie on the thick cream carpet,

"As I said, you say stop and I stop." He separated her legs and positioned his face, and Freya began shivering, panting out,

"Arthur!" in small breathless puffs.

Morgana was angry. Freya had stood her up, and she had had to use public transport to get to her door now she had crashed her car driving away from flooding Arthur's apartment. Arthur! She scowled. She locked herself in with the key Freya had given her and saw discarded clothes on the living room carpet. Then she heard high moans and the sound of a bed shrieking from next door.

Merlin slowly walked to work, lost in thoughts. He felt like talking things over with both Freya and Arthur, but felt he needed to clear his head first. He had left Gwaine snoring with a smile on his face and couldn't help smiling himself when he relived what they did. It was just sex as Gwaine had repeated that night,

"Just release and didn't it feel good?"

He smiled and kicked a stone: _Yeah, it felt damned good._ He almost had forgotten how being so close to another person felt. He thought at Arthur and quickly thought differently. _No._ Things would never be a question about simple release with him. He would want more, eat him up, devour him and make him confess to something he wasn't. _No._ He wasn't gay, though it sounded a little odd having just been balls deep in Gwaine, but he wasn't. He might fuck a guy this time, but next time it was a girl. He fell in love with girls, fantasized about girls. He had never fantasized about a bloke. His guilty mind flicked back to the stall at Gay Pride and the fantasy he had had about Arthur. _Okay once._ But that was Arthur's fault. It wouldn't happen again.

Odd, Morgana thought. Sex sounds when two out of three in that apartment were not having sex. But of course Arthur lived there now. She grinned. A sex video online would be her final revenge. She tiptoed to the open bedroom door and started filming with her mobile. The naked couple of the bed didn't notice her at all. The blond guy, clearly Arthur, was giving the female the works, ramming into her, and the slut under him, some long haired totty, was moaning and screaming and pretending to have the best orgasm in the world.

Morgana rolled her eyes at the performance. The girl was obviously faking it. It sounded like her first orgasm, and she wondered how thick men were since they fell for that act. Arthur moved off his whore and slid down, still erect Morgana noticed detached, and placed his head between her parted thighs. His favourite thing, Morgana thought dryly. _Well, he was very good at it._ Then she froze. The girl started tossing her head back and forth on the soaked pillow and her long dark hair moved away from her face as she opened her mouth and started screaming. It looked like... Morgana still filmed her, almost like a robot, but she was in shock.

"Oh god, Arthur!" The girl screamed and her whole body tensed up, then she was hit by spasms, letting out a long quivering cry, and Arthur raised his head to see her come. When she lay still, still trembling, he said,

"Was it good?"

Freya raised her head and smiled through her sobs. Oh my god, it _is_ her! Morgana screamed silently as her hand holding the mobile shook,

"Arthur, it was amazing!" Freya breathed out. Morgana backed out silently and tiptoed through the apartment. Behind her the noises of the bed started again, and Freya's moans grew louder and louder.

Morgana resisted the urge to slam the door and closed it silently instead. She went to the nearest tube-station and found a train heading for PEN. Then she sat down and watched the video with headphones on. _You whores!_ she thought. Especially Arthur. _A leopard never changes its spots._ She wrote a collective e-mail to Merlin, Gwaine, Lance, Morgause, Gwen and Ygraine: _See what Arthur and innocent Freya are up to behind Merlin's back!_ Then she attached the video and pressed _send._

Arthur walked through the door to PEN and was met with a fist. He slammed back against the wall and held up his arms to protect his face from the avalanche of fists raining down over him. Then he attacked, catching whoever it was around the waist and threw him down, and threw himself on top, pinning the attacker's arms to the floor. Then he realised it was Merlin. He was acting like a mad man, shouting and crying and trying to get up, promising to kill him, and Arthur just sat there, holding him down, slowly realising that he knew. _Oh._

Then hands lifted him off him, and Merlin jumped up, ready to attack again. Gwaine held him back with force, and Lance held Arthur in an iron grip from behind, both of them shouting something Arthur couldn't hear over Merlin's rabid dog growling. In the doorway he saw Gwen stare at him accusingly with her arms around a sobbing Freya. Mordred behind them held up his mobile, making sure to get it all on film. Morgause stood next to him, looking at Arthur as though he had personally slighted her, but Arthur knew from their faces that none of them was too blame for telling Merlin.

Merlin was released and stood, almost shaking, unsure of what to do. Their eyes met and Arthur thought: _I can't make it much worse, can I?_

"I'm sorry," he said. Merlin swallowed and the look of hurt in his eyes made Arthur look down.

"Don't _ever_ speak to me again," he heard. Arthur's mobile buzzed and he said to Lance,

"Let me go. I'm not attacking anyone." He stumbled past Gwen and Freya, who started crying even more when she saw him. He snatched Mordred's phone and crashed it against the wall and heard his screech of rage and Morgause yell,

"Arthur! You utter bastard!"

He went outside and found his car and just sat there without thinking or trying to act. What the hell had happened? He had been drunk, but not so drunk he didn't know what he was doing, seducing Freya. He had done it on purpose. To see Merlin hurt just a much as he had the night before when he was forced to see him being gobbled up by Gwaine ... but somehow the look in Merlin's eyes just now hadn't been hurt pride or jealousy. It had been a broken heart, and Arthur slammed his fist down on his thigh again and again, cursing himself. Then he remembered his phone. The text had a video-file attached, and he read the words. It was from Morgana: _Payback's a bitch_


	10. Bugger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A week later.

Freya was crying in the car while Gwen packed her things in the apartment. Merlin sat staring at the dark television screen and hardly realised what was happening. When Gwen left, she said,

"Oh, Ygraine said she _had_ to keep you and Arthur together. Sorry ... "

His head snapped up,

"Why? Just because she's his - "

She put the boxes down and sat herself next to him on the sofa,

"No. It's not that. She's more angry than anyone. Why do you think he didn't move back home? No, she's kind of thinking of Freya."

"Ha!" he said.

"I know," Gwen sighed. "What she did was wrong, but ... it's her first time, and it was spread by Morgana to everyone. She's devastated. I know you can't forgive her right now, but ... Ygraine won't put her with you, understandably, or Arthur, because the girl starts crying when she sees him."

"She seemed to enjoy it on the video," he said tonelessly. Gwen sighed again,

"Gwaine and Lance received the video too, and Freya unfortunately knows that, so she can't work with them without suffering a mental breakdown. So Ygraine has to put her with Percy and Elena." She caressed his back, "I'm sorry. Ygraine says she would fire him if she could. He and Morgana got a week's suspension so you _have_ to work with him tonight." She looked around the apartment, "It's been a whole week. Arthur hasn't picked up his sodding stuff?"

Merlin shook his head and sighed. She narrowed her eyes,

"What upsets you most, really? That Freya cheated on you, or that it was with Arthur?"

Merlin looked at her,

"What do you mean?"

"Just something I wondered, but ... you first started getting upset at PEN when he showed up. Before that you actually talked with Freya."

"Where ... where does he live now?"

She stood up,

"With Gwaine. Driving him crazy. Arthur isn't the most quiet of flatmates, and Gwaine works during the day."

Merlin smiled at the thought, but then thought: _No. He isn't going to make me miss him!_

"Do you miss _her_ at all?" Gwen asked and he looked up,

"Who?"

"Who?" She gasped. "Freya! Oh god." She looked at him.

"Oh god, what?"

"You moping around here. Arthur looking like something the cat vomited up on the carpet. It all makes sense."

"What are you talking about? Wait, you seen him? How is he?"

She moaned, "Poor Freya!"

"Poor Freya?" he yelled.

"Yes, poor, stupid, horny girl stuck between you two idiots. He looked like _shit_ , Merlin! And you know why? Because he's into you! And you're into him! So poor little dumb cow was used as a pawn between you because you're too bloody stupid to own up to your feelings!"

"Hey!" Merlin yelled. "I'm not g - "

"Not gay!" She raised her arms. "Tell that to Gwaine!"

He blushed,

"Wh...how'd you know I slept with him?"

She stared at him,

"I didn't. Until now. I would tell you about Gwaine's gaydar picking you out, but you beat me to it. Tell me, Mr. _Not_ Gay, will you go to work or not?"

"Don't I always?" he sulked. She turned and then hesitated and turned to face him again,

"Listen. I don't believe I'm about to defend him, but Arthur's really sorry this time. I never seen him like this before."

Merlin nodded.

"So please go easy on him?"

Merlin nodded again, but thought: _The hell I will_.

He went to work early to catch Gwaine before he left. When he entered, he saw a glimpse of Morgause, but the rest were servers he didn't know. Gwaine smiled when he saw him,

"Hey. You're early."

"Yeah," Merlin sat at the bar. "I wanted to talk to you."

"Okay. Drink?"

"Just water, please." He watched him pour the sparkling water. "You look tired."

Gwaine grinned,

"I forgot how it was living with Arthur. He's very restless when he isn't working. Here."

"Thanks." He drank to prolong the conversation, "You lived with him before?"

Gwaine leaned forward over the bar and let his hand touch his arm. Merlin smiled.

"We went to university together. Had a little flat we shared with Percy. The new barkeep?"

"Oh, didn't know that. You and him weren't?"

Gwaine grinned,

"I wanted to, but no, Arthur had another lover at the time, a girl, so I just had fun with Percy." He grinned when Merlin frowned, "Are you jealous?"

"A little. So ... "

"So ... " Gwaine said and took his hand in his. "You wonder how to tell me it was a one time thing."

Merlin looked up and grinned,

"So you read minds?"

"I'm a bartender. I read faces. And I can read yours."

"I never ... said we couldn't do this again," Merlin said. "Some other time. Just that for the moment - "

"Your little broken heart isn't in it? Because it's pounding away for Bad Arthur."

Merlin hissed,

"Why do everyone think I have a thing for Arthur? I don't! He fucked my girlfriend!" He stared at Gwaine's smile. "I don't!"

"Okay, you don't! Oh hi Arthur!"

"Very funny," Merlin mumbled.

"Hi Gwaine."

Merlin turned and saw Arthur stare at them holding hands. He actually had the gall to look annoyed. Merlin pulled his hand away,

"Well, I'll get going ... " but Arthur stepped forward,

"No wait. Please?"

Merlin looked at him,

"What?" "I have something to say."

"Congratulations."

"Merlin, please?"

Merlin sighed and looked at Gwaine walking away to give them privacy,

"Then say it."

Arthur took a deep breath, "I'm an idiot."

"Yes."

"That's not all. If I meet someone I really like, I'll provoke them to see how much they like me. It's as though I only treat people nice who don't matter to me. And do everything to push people I care about away."

Merlin said, "That must be very painful for you, but I don't care."

"I ... want you to forgive me. Please?"

Merlin looked at him. He looked like shit. Gwen was right. Still.

"I can't," he said. "At least, not yet ... it's too early." He turned and finished his water. When he turned again, Arthur was gone.

Arthur returned to PEN in the evening, bathed and shaved, but still looking awful. Ygraine had decided to punish him further and had placed Mordred in the bar with them to give him some much needed training. Mordred was delighted Merlin wasn't speaking to Arthur and chatted as much as possible, leaving Arthur seething at the other end of the bar.

When Mordred started flirting, Merlin played along, getting closer. He heard a snort of resentment coming from Arthur and ignored it. When Mordred claimed he couldn't figure out how to pour a proper shot, Merlin wrapped himself behind his back to show him, guiding his hand, and whispered into his ear.

Gwen and Lance appeared on a date and ordered drinks, and Gwaine, though off the clock, kept hovering. Lance smiled at Arthur and walked over to chat, and Mordred then ducked in under Merlin's hands placed on the counter, and they stood close, smiling, while Arthur practically boiled with anger. Gwen said,

"We were out looking at rings. Just to keep up with prices. But they are all so expensive."

Lance breathed out relieved. Mordred smiled evilly in Merlin's arms and said,

"I heard Ygraine say to Uther that her wedding gift to you would be a wedding, all paid for, including the ring!"

Lance froze as Gwen shrieked,

"Legit? You're not putting me on?"

He grinned at Lance's face and said,

"Gays' honor. You know she sees you as a daughter. She said I should tell you to get a ring on that finger or dump him!" He looked at Lance, "She's a lovely girl. The best. And you would be a fool to let another have a go." He looked back at Gwen, "I think Ygraine's worst fear is you ending up with Arthur. Apparently, and I quote again, _no girl deserves such a fate!_ "

Arthur came closer,

"You have a very clever mouth, Little Man."

Mordred snapped round and looked into his face. He laughed, but Merlin who stood closest could sense he was afraid.

"Yeah, I had no complaints. And neither will Merlin when my mouth's finished with h – " the last part of the sentence ended in a squeak when Arthur grabbed Mordred's lapels and held him in the air so his feet dangled. Gwen yelled,

"Arthur, no!" and Gwaine came running,

"Arthur put him down!" pulling at Arthur with no apparent effect.

"Anymore smart quips about doing Merlin?" Arthur roared, and Merlin grabbed Mordred's arm and tried to pull him down,

"Put him down! He's turning blue! Arthur! Please?"

Arthur looked at him and huffed. Then he let go, and Mordred fell to the ground with a thump.

"Thank you," Merlin said quietly. "You don't hav - "

"You big, stupid lump!" Mordred screamed as he stood up. "I should kick your - "

Arthur swung round and stabbed a finger in his face,

"The only reason I don't rearrange your face right now is we'd both get fired!"

"We'll meet in the back-alley after work," Mordred yelled. "Unless you're too scared Mummy will find out!"

"I'm not the one living under her roof." Arthur scoffed. "I'll see you there at one! And if you don't show, I'll come looking for you ... "

"One it is!" Mordred squawked and his voice broke. Merlin sighed. This was getting more and more stupid. Arthur turned and demonstratively stomped to the furthest end of the bar again.

"Mordred, you can't fight him," Merlin said. "He'll kill you."

Mordred just stared at him. His face had turned white,

"I ... can't back down now."

Merlin took him by the arm,

"Go home. Arthur wouldn't dare look for you at his mother's. I'll talk to him and get things sorted before you come into work again."

Mordred smiled relieved, and the color returned to his face,

"Thanks." He spontaneously leaned forward and pecked his cheek. Then he left. Merlin looked up and saw Arthur look away, trying to strangle a bottle of wine. He marched up to him,

"Here's how it's going to be! You move back in, and we pretend this never happened. You never go near Freya again, you forget about the fight and let Mordred live!"

Arthur put the bottle down and looked at him, then he smiled,

"Done!" The smile made the skin around his eyes crease and his eyes ... were blue and sparkled. The look in them sent Merlin's stomach plunging. A strange joy filled him simply because Arthur was happy again. It was then he realised he was in deep trouble. _Bugger_


	11. Elyan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwen's brother is hired as a temporary server at PEN, and Arthur swoops into action.  
> Merlin becomes the helpless victim to Arthur's love life.  
> And Arthur and Merlin have sex - sadly again with other people.

Merlin and Arthur were pouring drinks, chatting with a group of giggling girls, trying to pretend all was okay between them, when Gwen came in and stared at them,

"Okay. You _won't_ believe this."

"Morgana?" Arthur said and received a stare from Merlin.

"And Morgause. We thought it was okay to put them together. After... "she looked at them, "that happened we thought Morgause had pretty much forgotten the abandon-naked-on-the road bit - " she nodded at Arthur.

"So what happened?" Merlin said.

"She and Morgana went at each other's throats. Ygraine was there. Guests were shocked. Both are now suspended, and your mother is seriously considering firing Morgause."

"Why not Morgana?" Merlin said.

"Because Morgause tried to strangle her in front of several members of parliament. So we are two servers short, and I have to do double shifts and ... " she looked at them, "so does Freya."

They looked at each other and then Arthur looked away.

"Can we be grown up just this once?" Gwen asked. "Tomorrow Elyan will fill in for her - "

"Your brother?" Arthur said.

"Yes, he's home from uni and could use the money. Ygraine hired him."

"Oh," Arthur said. "How old is he now?"

Gwen froze,

"No!"

"I just asked a question?" Arthur said. "No to what?"

"No to throwing your slimy tentacles around my baby brother!" Gwen said.

"You're shouting," he said. "Didn't you say we should act our age? What is Elyan's age, by the way?"

"Ten!" she snarled and turned away, marching out to the restaurant.

"Let me see...four years ago he was this horny little boy chasing me." He noticed Merlin's face. "I said _no_. I don't do teenagers. But he must be nineteen-twenty now … interesting."

Merlin shook his head,

"You're disgusting."

Elyan was twenty, built like an athlete and Merlin noticed heads turned when he served tables. He also noticed that Arthur seemed poised like a huge vulture at the bar just waiting for his prey to wander into his vicinity. Merlin wondered why he didn't find it as funny as he used to watching Arthur stalk a potential love interest.

Soon Arthur changed behaviour. He was too good. He made no sexual references anymore, could hold a carrot in his hand without being inspired to a lengthy perverse analogy, and they could spend several hours on the sofa watching a film without him tickling anyone, suggesting the male actors should get it on or try to fondle Merlin.

Merlin started wondering where all the pent up sexual energy he knew percolated inside Arthur had disappeared to. Not that he missed it at all, but it was puzzling. But then he discovered where it went.

Arthur and Elyan had taken one lingering look at each other, and Gwen's most paranoid fears had turned into a living nightmare when they started dating. The rest of PEN saw it as an improvement. Elyan was intelligent and polite, and Ygraine for once began hoping that he might be Arthur's choice as permanent life partner. He had a calming effect on Arthur, who spent most evenings at home snogging him on the sofa next to a blushing Merlin.

Now and then Merlin fled the love nest and ended up at Gwaine's, but that was mostly weekends because of their different schedules. Gwaine, anyway, had fallen very hard for Percy who was only happy to invite him into the odd triangle that was his life. Gwaine, who had no sexual limits what so ever, soon became close friends with Gaius and Elena, and Merlin was afraid to ask him exactly what they were up to the four of them.

So...Merlin didn't have a place to go. Gwen was busy with Lance and Freya, Morgana had decided her suspension called for a trip to Barbados to recuperate, and he didn't really know the rest of the staff at PEN to hang out with them after work.

Merlin had used his free day to walk around London as a tourist and was tired and hungry when he returned home. When he unlocked the door, his face fell when he heard the same moaning from the living room he remembered from Morgana's surprise video. _Great. Arthur's boinking someone again._ He stood in the doorway and saw them. Elyan on his stomach on the uncomfortable sofa he had hoped would deter Arthur, and Arthur on top like a demented stallion. For some reason he kept watching them. Elyan moaned out, a long and not at all painful moan, and Arthur answered hoarsely,

"Yeah? You like that, baby? Come on, Ely, moan for me!"

Merlin thought: Why is this happening? Why has my quiet flat become Fuck City for Arthur? He has had more sex here than I ever had. He seriously considered yelling something to stop Arthur fucking the life out of Elyan and the sofa, but...he couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to Elyan but fuck...he would kill Arthur later.

He watched them in silence. If you disregarded it all, they looked good. The colour contrast. The muscles. Arthur's tanned arse actually looked splendid, a thing he never appreciated in the video, for obvious reasons. Elyan started panting, and his leg dropped to the ground. Arthur grabbed it and raised it, changing the direction of his thrusts. The effect on Elyan was startling. He started clawing the sofa and cried out, yelling,

"Oh yes, there! There!"

And Merlin moved a little restlessly, suddenly imagining himself under Arthur, his leg raised, his voice raw and pleading him to be rougher. _Oh god._ A rush of heat went to his groin, and he knew he needed to get out. He went backwards and slowly closed the door behind him, then left the apartment entirely, a little out of breath.

He walked over to the small park across from their building and slumped on a bench. It hadn't taken much to get him hard, and now he just sat there, erect, like a fucking loser while the guy who fucked his wife-to-be was in his flat fucking one of their co-worker's brother. If Gwen ever discovered this … he closed his eyes. They couldn't really handle losing their best server.

"Well, look who is ready to pop?" Morgause's scornful voice made him open his eyes. She stood with a bottle of vodka in one hand and had a fag dangling from her lips. The picture of health.

"Go away," he moaned.

"So you can wank in peace? Not on your life." She sat down beside him. "I heard all about your mighty penis." She flicked his bulge which didn't exactly help his horny state. "Now I want to see it."

"No, you won't," he said.

"Drink?" She held the bottle forward.

"Don't you have a glass?" he said and creased his nose.

"No, Miss Fussy-pants. I forgot it at home with my dainty tea set. Drink from the bottle, clod."

He did. It helped.

"So why are you sitting here on a bench?"

"There's a little too crowded at home," he said prickly. She looked across the road,

"Arthur? Shagging someone _not_ your girlfriend, for once?"

He nearly choked on his next mouthful of vodka,

"Thank you, Miss Tact."

She scoffed, "You want tact, talk to Gwen. You only get the truth from me."

"Funny you should say so..." he mumbled and took a puff out of her cigarette. She pricked up her ears,

"He's shagging Gwen up there? No, that girl has more sense than that. Think I just insulted myself?" she mumbled.

"No, not _Gwen_."

"Elyan?" She gasped. "Gwen's untouched baby boy? What is it with Arthur's obsession of getting inside virgins?"

"From what I've seen of Elyan in action, it isn't the first time he...you know." Merlin rolled his eyes.

"Oh. And are they at it now? Up there?"

He nodded and drank some more ... then she slapped the back of his head,

"What are you, a doormat? The bastard who shagged Freya's using your flat to whore around in while you are here in the cold?"

"It's actually quite warm," he said, "And I chose to go. No one _made_ me. They were at it when I came home, and I didn't want to disturb."

"But it's your place! God, I wish I had seen it. Sofa or bed?"

"Sofa."

"Wow. But it's still your flat. Why not throw them out?"

"Elyan lives at home, Arthur's place still decidedly moldy ... "

She laughed,

"You're such a saint. No, you are! I'm almost tempted to shag you as compensation."

"That's very sweet of you, Morgause," he said. "But - "

"I mean, you saved our arses when we were naked and cold. You forgave Arthur for nailing the virgin. Now you sit here like a shivering bunny all horny and drunk and gloomy. God, I'm into you right now!"

He looked up confused,

"You are?"

"Yeah. I like depressed guys who has given up on life. I'm so gonna have you!" She flung herself at him and kissed him, straining her arms around him as she crawled up to sit astride his lap. Merlin was a little drunk, very horny and not at all against the idea. But still...

"Shut up and kiss me," she said and opened his fly. "I'm going to give you the ride of your life!"

He woke up between the bushes the next morning with a headache. He remembered Morgause had pulled him in there, giggling and laughing, claiming he looked like Pan. The things she had shown him were memorable, quite innovative, but not necessarily something he would repeat. He brushed himself off and rearrange his clothes. Luckily he hadn't been so drunk that Morgause's suggestion to run naked because he owed it too the world to show his penis, had happened.

He walked home and locked himself in and stopped. _For fuck's sake!_ The sound of heavy breathing came from the living room again, and he closed the door behind him. He peeked in and saw they had changed positions. Elyan now sat astride Arthur who lay on his back and held on to his hips. They seemed just as into it like the last time, and Merlin wondered if they had slept at all. Elyan bent forward and kissed Arthur, and Merlin groaned silently. They kissed, a deep slow kiss, and Arthur caressed Elyan's arms tenderly. Merlin felt something different than lust. Something that made him want to stop them and throw Elyan out and ... and ... he closed the door silently behind him and walked into his bedroom where he closed the door there too, threw himself on the bed and pressed his pillow over his head. _I'll burn that sofa_


	12. You Don't Own Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Merlin puts his foot down. Sort of.

Arthur and Elyan had left when he woke the next day. Probably, Merlin suspected, to find a new place to fornicate. He enjoyed the rare silence as he puttered about his empty flat, cleaning, and then went to work in the evening where the first he met was Morgause.

"I thought you were suspended?"

She shrugged,

"Disappointed? Ygraine called me. Her replacement is sick." She smiled knowingly. "You got home alright then?"

"Yes, I managed to crawl across the road."

"And were they still at it?" she raised one eyebrow and he froze,

"How'd you know?"

"I know Arthur. We wore out a mattress when we dated. " She tucked her arm under his as though they were best friends.

"You dated Arthur?"

"Yes, long before Morgana and all." She sighed dramatically, "He was a lot different then. Well, so were we all. Innocent. Sweet. Gullible." She glanced at him through the corner of her eye, "Are you buying any of this?"

"Not at all," he said. "I feel like I landed in the middle of a school where everyone knows one another. Is Arthur here yet?"

Freya just then walked past, carrying a tray with hot dishes. She stopped and stared at them until Morgause said,

"Ygraine will have your hide if the food gets cold, Kitten."

Freya gasped and hurried towards the restaurant, and Morgause shrugged,

"At least she stopped crying. Think you'll ever trust her again?"

"I don't know," he said. "Actually, I was sleeping with someone the night she and Arthur, so ... who am I to judge?"

She clutched his arm,

"Who? Someone you know from PEN?"

"Er, yes." His eyes flickered.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess. Morgana, Gwaine, Percy, Elena, me, Gwen...Definitely not Gwen, obviously not me. Morgana never had sex without bragging, Percy, Elena?" She looked at him and narrowed her eyes, "No, the only blond you are hot for is Arthur - "

"I'm not ga -"

"Yeah right. Oh!" she gasped. "You slept with Gwaine?"

"Ssh!" he said and looked around. "Arthur almost killed him just for kissing me."

Her eyes were wide and the former dead stare was long gone,

"Oh, this is good. If you ever feel like telling him, please call me first. I want to see his face!"

Freya went past them just then, crying with Leon's arms wrapped around her,

"She ran into Arthur with the tray, dropped it, and he was being nice so... "

Freya sobbed and he held her, "It's okay, Freya. We'll find you a new tray. Don't worry."

Merlin was caught somewhere between relief and irrational jealousy as he watched Leon comfort Freya, but he still couldn't make himself approach her. Morgause found a cigarette in her hair and stuck it in her mouth,

"Perhaps a stay in a nice secluded place would help her nerves?"

"Morgause!" Ygraine's voice thundered through PEN. "If you light that disgusting thing in here, you're fired!"

When Merlin walked outside to smoke, Elyan called out from one of the chairs near the door,

"Hi, I never see you anymore?"

"That's because Arthur's scull is plastered to your face," Merlin said ironically.

"Arthur?" Elyan looked surprised. "Oh, we're just fuck friends. No strings. Wait, I want to ask you something?"

Merlin stopped,

"Okay. Ask?"

Elyan looked embarrassed,

"The word around PEN is that you're straight but flexible?"

"I was going to get married and then..." Merlin caught his eyes. "Oh, you mean?"

"I get it. You're 99 % straight." He smiled. "I want to meet the 1%. Invite it out. A beer? A game of footie. Occasional bj?"

Merlin grinned, "Arthur's rubbing off on you?"

"That and more," Elyan grinned. "I'm engaged _too._ 99% with a girl at uni."

Merlin's eyes began to sparkle,

"Now what would your sister say if we went out? As mates?"

"Only things she would regret later, so I'm actually doing her a favour lying to her."

"You definitely spend too much time with Arthur," Merlin laughed.

Arthur slammed the drinks down on Morgause's tray, and she looked at him calmly,

"I'm _so_ afraid of you right now. Nothing like male hysteria to make me shiver!"

"Bore off!" he snarled. "Where the hell is Merlin?" He looked around the room. "I'm doing his work for him."

"Getting laid, probably," she shrugged. "Like he was last night." She saw him turn abruptly. "By me!"

He walked closer, menacingly, but she stuck out her chest,

"And you were right about his cock, _darling_. I can hardly walk!"

"Shut up. You're such a whore," he snarled.

"Coming from the reigning whore around here, that sure stings!" She noticed his pained look and laughed, "Got there first, didn't I?"

He almost hit her. Almost. His fist stopped inches from her face, but she didn't flinch,

"You're after Merlin. I don't believe the _I was drunk when I nailed Freya_ rubbish. You weren't drunk at all. You did it to break them up!"

"Oh, were you there?" he scorned. "I didn't see you between the sheets?"

"I saw the video. That weasel look on your face when you did Freya! Was that the closest you could get to boinking Merlin?"

He tightened his jaw and aimlessly moved bottles around,

"I'm through talking with you."

"But I'm not through talking to you. And now you're screwing Elyan just to get Merlin hot."

He ignored her.

"In his living room, knowing he would come home any minute!"

"Shut up," he mumbled.

"Playing tonsil hockey with Elyan next to Merlin to seduce him? Take some advice from someone who knows how to wheel him in?"

He looked at her with murder in his eyes,

"I swear, if you weren't a girl..."

"I just did it. Sat on him, pulled it out, rode him like a beast, and he bloody loved it! Perhaps you went about it wrong? Seems all Merlin needs is a firm hand." She laughed when she saw his flustered state and walked away. He mumbled,

"You fucking ... "

Gwaine walked up to him, "Finally off the clock and...what's the matter now?"

Arthur looked at him,

"Morgause's slept with Merlin."

"Oh," Gwaine swallowed. "Okay..."

"If she'd been a guy, I would have killed her." Arthur clutched the counter, "I'll kill any guy who touch him." It sounded like he was thinking out loud. Mordred walked up with his empty tray and smiled to Gwaine,

"Hey good looking." He then looked at Arthur, "Hey ape. Two martinis."

Arthur started mixing the drinks without answering. Merlin walked in with Elyan who smiled at Arthur,

"Hi bartender!" He looked around the bar and whispered, "Is it a Gwen-free zone?"

"She left just now," Mordred said and looked at him coyly, "Resuming public snogging. Three, two, one..."

Elyan smiled at him and bent over the bar, enticing Arthur to a kiss. Arthur drew him in with a hand on his neck and kissed him but then stared at Merlin,

"Ely, what were you doing outside?"

"Me, of course," Merlin said lightly. "I always like to get laid during working hours."

"What?" Arthur said and tightened his grip of Elyan's neck so he moaned.

"They just smoked," Gwaine said. "Arthur, you're an idiot. It's called irony."

"Oh," he let go of Elyan, "Sorry, babe."

"That's okay," Elyan said and rubbed his neck. "Morgause wasn't kidding about your psychotic threat to maim any guy who looks at Merlin." He winked at Merlin who said,

"What?"

Gwaine said,

"Come on, my children," and grabbed hold of both Mordred's and Elyan's arms, "I better get you two to safety. Take care, Merlin."

Merlin stared at Arthur,

"I've seen you snog Elyan in every possible way the last month. You fondle him in public, fuck him in my god damn living room, and you have the _nerve_ to threaten any guy who looks at me?"

Arthur started polishing a glass,

"Merlin..." He blushed a little, "Want me to stop fucking him? Is that it?"

Merlin blushed too,

"I don't care what you do, as long as you stop interfering in my life - "

"I don't care if you fuck girls. Even that bitch Morgause." He looked at Merlin's stunned face, "Yeah, she was here just now, bragging about riding you."

A cracking sound made him look down. The glass he was polishing had snapped into several pieces. He cursed and removed the shards.

"But blokes...I ... I simply go mental."

Merlin stopped him,

"You'll cut yourself." He picked up the bin and used the towel to push the broken glass into it.

"One. I'm not gay." He stopped when he saw Arthur smirk. " _Shut up_. Two. I'll sleep with whoever I bloody well like, and you'll just have to deal with it." He threw the bin down and turned, but Arthur was too quick for him. He grabbed him and pressed himself against him from behind.

"Arthur let go of me," Merlin said tiredly.

"You...mess with my head," Arthur mumbled into his ear. "How could you fuck Morgause?"

"None of your business," Merlin said. He felt him pulsate against him and swallowed. Arthur locked his arms around him.

"You're driving me crazy," he whispered into his neck.

"Then go fuck Elyan," Merlin said in a low voice.

"You enjoyed watching us?" Arthur whispered against his skin. "Morgause said I only did it to get your attention."

"Well, it worked," Merlin said. "I've seen parts of you that will be on my mind forever."

"If I had known you were watching," Arthur let his hand in between the buttons on Merlin's shirt, "I would have enjoyed it even more." His fingers found his naked skin, and Merlin suddenly shivered. His hand grabbed Arthur's arm, but he didn't remove it.

"Seemed to enjoy it very much yesterday," he whispered. "Both times."

"Both?" Arthur chuckled into his ear. "Should have joined us. Could have been fun." His fingers sought downwards, reaching his belt. He moaned into his ear, and Merlin felt him swell, pressed between his buttocks. He grabbed his hand hard and stopped it. Then he stepped away from Arthur and re-adjusted his shirt,

"Yes, I understand Elyan is a firecracker between the sheets. I must ask him out on a date." He looked Arthur in the eye and saw the horny gloating turn into instant rage. "You don't own me. And I fuck who I want." He walked away and Arthur remained, panting and angry when Mordred popped in,

"Merl, are you in h – " he looked at Arthur and whistled, "He _has_ been here, I can see that. Perhaps I should rub myself against Merlin too? Seems he has an effect on people. Elyan's wanking in the loo, Gwaine's horny as a skunk, Morgause had her little joyride and your sea-snake's standing at attention."

Arthur looked at him,

"You still alive?"

Mordred stepped back a step but grinned,

"Surprisingly most men want to shag me and not kill me."

"One doesn't exclude the other," Arthur growled.

"Oh?" Mordred said saucily. "Think you can handle me, big boy?"

"I think," Arthur lined up a row of cocktail glass, "that a hard spanking might do you a world of good. And if you don't get out of here right now, that's what you're getting." He looked at him and was surprised to see Mordred blush before he turned and left in silence. Gwaine walked up to the bar,

"Where's Merlin?"

"Loo," Arthur mumbled. "Probably shagging Morgause against the wall."

Gwaine chuckled,

"He did her too? Well, good for Morgause."

Arthur shrugged but then he looked at him suspiciously,

"What you mean _too?_ "


	13. Mostly What?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin is exposed to even more of Arthur's special courting ritual: Sex by proxy.  
> Mordred gets thoroughly disciplined. In a way.  
> Arthur finally realises that Merlin has slept with a man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any qualms about non-consensual spanking, be warned...

Arthur kept falling over bloody Mordred. At Sunday lunch with his parents, Mordred was there trying to monopolize the conversation. Snogging Elyan in the back alley, pasty weasel-faced Mordred would film them on his mobile. He would salivate over Merlin's tight jeans or find out secrets and text them to Morgana. He was bloody everywhere, and Arthur's impatience was wearing thin.

They were the last two left closing up, and Arthur was in a particular bad mood. Elyan had been moved to the day-shift so he hardly had time to see him anymore, and Merlin had disappeared with Gwaine the second they were off the clock, both of them looking suspiciously upbeat. Arthur pushed Mordred aside for the fifth time that day so he dropped what he was holding,

"Coming through, earthworm."

Mordred growled without thinking,

"Do that again and I'll..."

Arthur stopped, turned and walked back, dangerously slow,

"You'll what?" His voice was very calm, and Mordred swallowed but didn't back down.

"Hit you?" he said, trying not to sound too timid. Arthur bent over him and said quietly,

"Try it Princess. Just try. But if you do, your arse's mine. And Merlin's not here to save you."

Mordred flinched and Arthur smiled his most irritating self satisfied smile,

"Thought not."

Mordred immediately raised his hand and slapped him; a genuine movie star leading lady slap, and then his glee turned to terror when he saw the rage in Arthur's eyes.

"Don't you touch me!" Mordred shrieked but Arthur growled,

"I told you what would happen!" and rolled up his shirtsleeves. Mordred fled blindly, but Arthur was faster and tackled him in the main restaurant. He then lifted him up from the floor like a wayward puppy.

"What are you doing?" Mordred screamed high pitched and kicked arms and legs in the air. "Help!"

Arthur sat down on a chair and placed Mordred across his knees in the pale moonlight streaming in through the spotless windows.

"Teaching you some much needed manners," he said coolly. Mordred screamed again, trying to get away but Arthur then began spanking him. Mordred wriggled and his cries echoed in the empty restaurant.

"Get off me, you big bully!" he sobbed, screaming for real now. "It huuurts! Help!"

"Good," Arthur yelled over his babbling. "It's supposed to. Now shut up!" He continued spanking him, and Mordred's hysterical screams soon turned into moans, lower and less shrill, then lower again and panting. Arthur finally let go of him and rose, out of breath,

"You'll behave?" he thundered. Mordred let out a sob and a hiss of breath,

"Yes..."

"Good." Arthur saw him look at him, eyes sparkling and his mouth a little open. Then he noticed he was fully erect. Mordred reached out and cupped Arthur's bulge, 

"Please?"

" _That_ turned you on?" Arthur asked and Mordred purred,

"I do love a good spanking."

Arthur shrugged,

"Okay...why not?" He looked down as Mordred knelt in front of him, took him out and his expert mouth swallowed him hungrily.

"Done this before, huh?"

Mordred smiled up at him.

"Mm-mm," he said both as an answer and as an appreciation, and Arthur fondled his hair, saying to the empty room,

"Well ... that's practical."

It wasn't long before everyone knew something had happened between the two former enemies. Mordred wasn't the most subtle of people and took delight in being seen obeying Arthur. If he didn't order him about, Mordred would either cuddle up next to him or sit close by and stare at him admiringly. It freaked the other staff out, especially Merlin, but he decided to pretend nothing had happened.

His lack of reaction only seemed to spur Arthur on. Until now Arthur had dated people who had limits that prevented them from having sex in public, disregarding Morgause love of public oral sex, but Arthur discovered that Mordred had no such boundaries. One of his favourite activities was being fucked against a cold brick wall, and Arthur, always eager to expose Merlin to gay sex, was happy to accommodate him. On one such occasion he fucked Mordred in the backyard almost opposite the PEN building. He just penetrated him from behind and then waited, knowing Merlin would be out to smoke any second. He could see PEN's door reflected in the small window next to his head.

"Arthur? Why aren't you moving?" Mordred panted.

"Shut up," Arthur growled. "Waiting for an audience."

"Uh," Mordred giggled excited. "Okay."

They didn't have to wait long. Merlin came out of the backdoor and sat down to smoke without noticing them, and then Arthur whispered,

"Giddy-up!" He started fucking Mordred against the wall, making him cry out. It was another thing about Mordred. He was very verbal in every area of life, something Arthur had always resented, but it was quite a turn on in bed. Arthur grabbed a fistful of his hair and yanked his head back while he rammed into him, and Mordred cried out on cue and scratched the walls, thrusting his bum back, taking all of him.

Arthur could sense Merlin behind them, caught somewhere between shock and desire. He just wished he knew how to push him all the way. Perhaps Morgause was right and simply going for it was the best way? He looked up and saw Merlin's reflection in the window. He just stood there; mouth a little open. At the time he had come, and Mordred had slumped to a happy gooey pile next to his feet, he looked again. He was gone.

"He's doing this on purpose," Merlin snarled. "Fucking Mordred in front of me. He knew I would be out there now." He confided in Gwen sitting outside PEN around the corner from where Arthur was reenacting a porn flick. She rolled her eyes and sipped a drink,

"Of course. Because why actually say: we live together and I fancy you, when you can drag a coworker out to fuck in front of you?"

"He knows I'm not gay. I - "

"Merlin!" She shocked him by shouting his name and then said more quietly. "I'm not proud of myself. At all. I try to be a good person."

"And you are..." Merlin said confused.

"No, I'm not. I've been obsessed with keeping Elyan and Arthur apart. I mean, for good reason. My mother would never survive Easter lunch with Arthur's frivolity at the table, so...I did something bad." She bit her lip.

"Worse than telling Morgana about him and Morgause?"

"I went through Elyan's phone."

"Oh," Merlin said. "But that's - " He suddenly froze. "Ups."

"Ups indeed, and I read the texts you two have been sending each other." She looked at him with a pinched mouth, and he rubbed his eyes,

"In my defense then we were pretty wasted at the time?"

"I hope so," she said, "Because that's the only explanation why my sweet baby brother would be sending you a visual of his penis. Several images in fact. Which is my divine punishment for snooping. I now know with painful clarity what my brother's penis look like." She closed her eyes. _And mine_ , he thought.

"But," she opened her eyes and looked at him, "Those were pretty racy messages for two non-gay men to send to each other?"

"I - "

"And if you say that ludicrous 1% gay babble Elyan dreamt up, I will strangle you!"

He held up his hands in surrender and Gwen continued, "All I'm saying is, if you ever decide you are totally and unapologetic gay, then you couldn't find anyone better than Elyan." She looked at him and smiled. "And the same goes for him."

He smiled back at her,

"Thank you, Gwen."

She rose,

"After seeing the images you sent him, I think I should be the one thanking you?" She grinned when he covered his face and groaned.

Inside PEN he ran into Freya. She smiled a little scared smile, and he smiled back. She sighed and was about to say something when Leon walked over and gave Merlin a suspicious look,

"Ready to go, babe?"

"Yes," she said insecurely. "I was just - "

Mordred and Arthur burst in, grinning and sweating until Arthur discovered Freya and stopped abruptly. She stared at him and Merlin, burst into tears and ran out.

"River of tears," Arthur mumbled and Mordred said sulkily,

"Chicks. Gagging for it, but they always play virgins afterwards."

Arthur stared at him,

"And you would know how? Clear off."

Mordred looked angrily at Merlin, but Arthur lowered his voice,

"Now," and Mordred hanged his head and shuffled away.

"Why are you with this creep?" Merlin said.

"I'm not with anyone," Arthur yawned and stretched his arms over his head. "Ten minutes ago I was in him, but not now." His satisfied demeanor irked Merlin for some reason,

"Oh yes, I forgot. You just fuck him."

Arthur cocked an eyebrow,

"Does it bother you?"

"No," Merlin snarled with all the grace of a sulking ten year old. "Should it?"

"You tell me..." Arthur leaned over him. "You do sound jealous? Oh no. I forgot," he mocked. "You're not gay. You only fuck girls. Sluttish, evil girls like Morgause."

"Well, at least I don't go for virgins!" Merlin snarled and Arthur turned pale. "And yes, I mostly sleep with girls. She told you?"

"Bragged about it, more likely." Arthur paused suddenly. "Mostly? Mostly what?"

"Mostly girls, that's fairly easy to understand, isn't it?" Merlin smirked. "Mostly as in not just girls."

Arthur stared at him and closed his fists. Morgause came around the corner just then followed by Morgana. Both of them were smoking the same kind of suspicious looking cigarette and apparently had made up again.

"Who is shouting?" Morgana said. Merlin looked angrily at her and left. "And what's with him?"

"You circulated Freya's sex video, remember?" Morgause said. "I guess he still does."

Morgana looked puzzled,

"Still? So what's the matter with you, darling?" she said to Arthur. "Cat got your cock?" She clucked her tongue. Arthur looked at them seriously,

"Did Merlin sleep with a guy?"

They looked at each other, and then both began to giggle, puffing out smoke through nose and mouth.

"What?" he said.

"Don't you know?" Morgana mocked and looked at Morgause. "Really? Oh, Sherlock."

"Would I ask you, if I did?" he said and looked at her cigarette, "Give us a drag."

She handed it over and Morgause said,

"It's a super secret. Can't have you killing the bloke."

"So it's true, then?" He smoked obscenely, sucking on the poor cigarette as though it was ... something else. "Spill it, you evil cow. I can see you want to."

"Let me just record this," Morgana said shamelessly and took her mobile. She clicked a few times. "There. Go ahead, Gause."

Morgause took her time to Arthur's immense irritation. She opened a fresh pack of cigarettes, took out a smoke, lit it and sucked on it, sending a blue cloud of smoke against him. Then she said with an evil smile,

"Gwaine."


	14. Going Berserk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur goes berserk, Freya has a handy clutch and Morgana sends another text.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I missed my daily posting yesterday because I had a heavy workload. Here's three new chapters and I just might post a few more later today if I can manage it.
> 
> Oh, and ever noticed this fic has a multi-tag? Be warned.

Merlin was unlocking his car at the end of his shift when Arthur walked past him.

"Arthur?" he said. He saw him look back, and Merlin's smile disappeared. He had been acting strange that evening, but this...

"I thought we were going out with the others?"

Arthur just turned and walked over to his car.

"Arthur!" he heard Morgana yell, but Arthur slammed the door and sped away. She stood in the doorway,

"Is he out here? Merlin, did you see Arthur?"

"He left." He nodded at where his car had been. "Didn't answer me at all."

"Shit," Morgana said. "Morgause told him. I thought he'd just throw a tantrum like he used to."

"Told him what?" Merlin said confused.

"About you and Gwaine. Where is Gwaine?" Her voice took on a hint of panic.

"You told Arthur about Gwaine?" he said. "Are you crazy?"

Morgana said,

" _I_ didn't say anything! It was Morgause. And ... it was just a laugh. Then he turned all white and returned to work. We thought he'd have a funny meltdown we could post on YouTube?"

Merlin turned and ran back to his car.

"Wait!" she yelled, "I'm coming too!"

He waited just long enough for her to jump in before he screeched off.

"Gwaine lives at – " Morgana said and he interrupted her,

"I know. I've slept over once, remember?"

"Oh yes," she grinned and picked up her mobile and rang him. "Come on, Gwainey. Pick up, pick up." She took a deep breath. "Not answering. Just getting his voicemail. I'll text instead: _Maniac Arthur on way to kill U, Gwaine. Barricade door._ How's that?" she said.

They saw Arthur's red jaguar parked on the pavement with the doors open and the radio blasting. Merlin yanked out the key and locked it before he and Morgana ran into Gwaine's building. A concierge was looking at his phone but froze when he saw Morgana,

"Ms. le Fay? Young Mr. Pendragon just ran past with an axe!"

She stopped while Merlin yelled out and bolted after Arthur.

"And now you're calling the police," she said, out of breath, clutching the counter. "Quite commendable."

"It's my job," he said. "I'll lose it if the owners' realise I let - "

She nodded and took out a checkbook,

"Hans," she smiled and he blushed and smiled back, "I admire courage in people. A lesser man would say: _If i report the son of Ygraine and Uther Pendragon to the police, there might be repercussions._ "

He stopped smiling and put down the phone,

"But not you. You treat everyone the same, and I respect that." She scribbled down a number and tore off the check. "This is for you to look at while we remove Arthur and the axe."

He looked at the check and then her,

"Er.

"Arthur's little black heart just realised what a feeling is, and it hurts when an unused muscle moves for the first time. We'll pay for any damage. My number is on the back." She gave him the check, and he said,

"I..." "In fact, why don't you give me a call tomorrow, and we'll meet up? Perhaps I'll work off our debt _au natural?_ "

He took the check and looked horrified,

"I'd never ask you to do that, Ms. le Fay. That wouldn't be right."

"Exactly why I want to," she said and turned to walk away. "You're so damn wholesome. Catnip for a girl." She winked at him and then went into the lift.

"Give it to me!" she heard Merlin roar when the doors opened. She looked out and saw Merlin and Arthur wrestle on the carpet for the axe.

"Well at least you're getting the Hollywood version of gay sex," she said dryly. Arthur wrestled the axe away from Merlin and stood up, yelling,

"I'll bloody kill him!" He stared at Morgana who just shrugged,

"I'm not stopping you. I'm just here to watch you castrate the guy who's boinking Merlin."

Arthur roared at the thought and dug the axe into Gwaine's door, and Merlin yelled at her,

"Thank you!" He threw himself up on Arthur's back and tried to force him down. Morgana lit a cigarette,

"You know if you were naked and covered in baby-oil, it would be rather exiting to watch." She turned when the lift opened to see Morgause and Mordred step out, "Oh hi. Just in time for the show."

Morgause looked at Arthur dancing round with Merlin clinging to his back,

"What's going on?"

"Don't know. If only they would lie down. Would be sexy instead of awkward as hell..."

Arthur lost his balance and fell backwards, landing on Merlin.

"There," Morgana said. "Much better. A tenner Merlin reaches the axe first."

"You're on," Mordred said. "My money's on Arthur. This is better than wrestling porn."

Merlin tried to get up, but Arthur was on top now, sitting on him,

"On the plus side, he finally gets some physical contact with Merlin," Morgause said. "Too bad they aren't naked."

"I just said that," Morgana said. "Great minds and all...you have a drinky?"

"I always have a drinky," Morgause said and pulled out a flask from her army bag.

"If Arthur wins, you think he'll spank Merlin?" Mordred said, oddly out of breath. "I'd pay to see that."

"What's going on?" Leon and Freya stepped out of the lift, and Freya then screamed high-pitched when she saw Arthur hold Merlin in a death lock.

"Don't you dare hurt him!" she shrieked and ran on her inch high heels over to slap him repeatedly with her clutch.

"Freya?" Leon said but Freya babbled,

"Let go of him, Arthur. I love him!"

Morgause chuckled when she saw the tiny girl wack Arthur, but Mordred said,

"Oi, girlie, lay off," and grabbed Freya's arm when she raised it again.

"Let go of her!" Leon commanded in his best knightly voice and pushed Mordred who staggered and stepped on Merlin's hand. Freya then screamed and attacked Mordred instead, and Gwaine opened the door, looked down and quickly locked it again. Arthur let out a growl and fought off Merlin's and Leon's hands. He attacked the door with his fists, roaring,

"Get out here, you little prick. I'll fucking castrate you."

"Yeah, that will make him come out," Morgana nodded. The lift opened and Morgause laughed,

"Oh my god, more?"

Gwen said,

"What are you all doing here?" and behind her Elyan popped up,

"Is Arthur here?" The question was made redundant when Arthur banged on the door with both fists again, roaring like a bear. Merlin stood up and stared at them all.

"You called the whole city?" he then yelled at Morgana who shrugged,

"I must have sent a group text?"

He looked at her icily and then signaled Elyan to come forward,

"You take one arm. Leon? You take the other. I'll need a second to get between him and the door."

They grabbed Arthur and dragged him back while Elyan yelled,

"Quick, Merl, can't hold him for long."

Arthur huffed air out through his nose, and Gwaine chose that exact moment to open the door and declare that _this was ridiculous_. Arthur shook of his restraints and attacked, but Merlin stepped between them and raised his hands,

"You want to hit me too?"

Arthur stopped himself nose to nose with Merlin. He looked behind him where Gwaine attempted to hide and opened his fists, and Merlin noticed his knuckles were raw,

"You're bleeding," he said softly and took hold of his hand. Arthur just stared at him, jaw working, then he dropped his eyes and stared at their hands touching. The lift opened again, and Percy and Elena stepped out. They looked at the people assembled and Elena said dreamily,

"Is Gwaine here? We had this funny text?"

Gwaine waved at them from behind Merlin but didn't dare come forward.

"We have iodine and plasters at home," Freya said and placed her hand on Arthur's elbow, "I mean ... your home. I'm sorry about hitting you." She nodded at Merlin, "Perhaps we should get him home? You could need something on that eye, too."

Arthur stared at Merlin like an animal who was under sedation, and Merlin looked back into his eyes,

"Arthur? Let's go home?"

Arthur nodded but sent a dark stare over his shoulder at Gwaine who slumped further down behind Merlin's back. Elena and Percy went past them and embraced him as Merlin led Arthur into the lift. Freya held Arthur's other arm and ignored Leon's stare.

"We were going out!" he yelled after her, and Freya gasped,

"We have a crisis here, Leon. How can you think about enjoying yourself? Come on."

Leon shook his head, and the doors to the lift closed.

"I'm sorry," Merlin said.

"That's okay," Freya said. "Guess we weren't meant to be."

They looked at each other briefly and then looked away.

At home she made them sit while she cleaned Arthur's wounds and put a steak on Merlin's eye.

"You're pretty good at this," Arthur mumbled.

"I wanted to be a nurse when I was a little girl," she said. "All my dolls had the most horrific accidents."

"When was that, last year?" He smiled his most charming smile, and she giggled. Merlin rolled his eyes.

"Could so use a drink right now," Arthur then sighed. "With lots of alcohol."

"Don't you think you had enough?" Merlin mumbled, but Arthur stretched and moaned,

"No. Haven't touched a drop all day. Almost."

Freya and Merlin looked at him stunned.

"Please don't tell me tonight were you _sober?_ " Merlin said and Freya giggled again,

"I'll get the drinks. Vodka or whisky?"

"Both," Arthur mumbled and Merlin said,

"Tequila. And do we have anymore crisps left?"

The next morning Merlin opened his eyes into two tiny slits and groaned. It seemed like someone kept shining a flashlight in his face. He turned his head and looked into a naked breast. What the ... he moved his throbbing head an inch and realised the breast belonged to Freya. He blinked. _Freya?_

He sat up and nearly cried out when the hangovers discovered he was awake. Then he looked down. She was as naked as he was and asleep, smiling blissfully with her dark hair like a soft nest around her head. Someone snored and he looked past her at ... He blinked again. Arthur. Asleep and stark bollocks naked. _Bugger._


	15. So...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the...er, whatever that was.

He had only fragments of memories about last night; Arthur moving between Freya's legs while she reclined on Merlin, her head bowed back so they could kiss. He blushed, remembering Arthur's face when he came. Had they really done that? Another memory was making love to Freya on the side, a warm thrilling feeling as they sighed and moaned, while Arthur lay behind her, doing something to her that made her curve her back and scream. He swallowed. Nowhere could he find a memory of Arthur and him having ... he intensely hoped they hadn't ... what the hell had they been drinking?

He looked at them again. Arthur had his arm across Freya's stomach and both were sleeping soundly. He had to get out. Merlin put the duvet up over Freya, covering her, and tiptoed out.

He made coffee, brought in the paper and read it without hearing a sound from the bedroom. He sat awhile, thinking it all through and came to a decision about his life. Merlin had made breakfast before he heard the sounds of naked feet. Freya was wrapped in the duvet and blinked, obviously still half asleep.

"Merlin?" she said and yawned. "Where's Gwen?" She padded over to sit down at the table.

"Er," he rose and fetched her a mug, "you slept over."

She looked down into the duvet,

"Oh..."

They looked at each other and then looked away.

"So..." he said.

"So..." she answered.

"Coffee?" Merlin grabbed the pot behind him.

"Yes please?" Freya stuck one naked arm out of the duvet and held the mug while he poured up to the edge. "Thank you...Mm, it's good." She cradled the mug in her hands and he nodded,

"It's a new brand."

"Oh." She drank some more. "Very good." She looked out the window. "Lovely day. Pity I'm on the day-shift."

"Yes," he agreed. "We used to go antiquing on a day like this, remember?"

She nodded and smiled,

"That was fun."

"Yes...so."

"So..."

A moan sounded from the bedroom, and they stared at each other and then looked away. Arthur came into the kitchen stark naked while he scratched his hair.

"Morning." He plumped down on a chair. "Coffee! Brill, feed me..." He took Freya's mug and drank it all, "Ta," and then stole Merlin's toast. "God, I'm starving," he mumbled, crunching the toast. "Nothing like an all night schtupping session at shag central to burn off the cals." He looked at Freya, "Hello tiger."

She blushed and hid her face in her hand. Arthur looked over at Merlin who scowled,

"What?"

"Uh," Freya said and looked away from Arthur's nakedness, "before I forget. Ygraine texted me last night. Gwaine's gone on vacation to avoid further ..." she waved at Arthur, "and Lance is down with the flu - "

"Explains why he, as the only one, didn't show up last night," Merlin mumbled.

"So you two have to pull a double-shift today."

Merlin groaned and looked over at Arthur who said,

"Oh yeah. _Gwaine_. Forgot about him."

Merlin sighed,

"Freya?" He bit his lip. She looked at him, clutching the duvet,

"Yes?"

"I've been thinking this morning. It was nice having you..."

Arthur giggled.

" _around_ ," Merlin continued. "Er, like old times. You know?"

She nodded and smiled happily, and he took a deep breath,

"I wanted to ask you, if you would consider - "

Her eyes lit up,

"To move back in?"

Merlin blushed,

"No, I mean yes. I mean...will you marry me?"

She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Merlin looked at her and then at Arthur who stared at him with something resembling disappointment. Then she screamed; a high pitched, excited cry,

"I do! I-do-I-do-I-do! Oh Merlin!" She dropped the duvet and ran naked around the table, and Arthur lost his look of gloom and looked quite interested. She threw herself on his lap and clutched her arms around his neck, crying and babbling and kissing his face.

"Oh," she said and pulled back, "I'll have to text Ygraine. No, I'll have to say it to her. I'll phone her and text Gwen. But no, then Gwen will feel left out. But if I call Gwen first and Ygraine finds out? I'll call Ygraine first." She jumped off Merlin's lap and wandered past Arthur, stopped to pull on her jeans and Arthur followed her endeavors, hand under chin,

"Girls should always walk around topless."

She squeaked and grabbed her bra from the floor,

"You!" She snapped it on with surprising speed and then took her phone, sat down next to Arthur and punched in a number. Ygraine's voice soon filled the room,

"Ygraine Pendragon speaking. Who is calling?"

"Ygraine! It's Freya!" she practically jumped up and down in her seat, and Arthur watched her breasts with rapt attention.

"Freya sweetheart! How...unusually early you're calling. You almost woke up Uther."

Arthur laughed,

"I doubt that."

"Is that Arthur I hear? Please don't tell me you are in his bed again? Darling, will you ever learn?"

"Love you too, Mum," Arthur said.

"Ygraine, I'm sorry for calling this early," Freya said and pushed Arthur. "But I have news that can't wait."

"Of course, darling. Just going below stairs. Did you get my text? The boys have to come in at noon. Big day today. First the Welsh women's regional something is lunching at PEN, and there will be an open bar - "

"Drunken milf taffy totties," Arthur said. "Love it. Count me in."

"I didn't care for any of those words," Ygraine said. "Be quiet Arthur. And tonight the Chiswick Firemen Association has booked the bar for their annual calendar presentation. Yes, Arthur, naked men pointing hoses. I knew that would pique your interest."

"She knows me so well," Arthur said and took a chocolate croissant.

"But why are you calling, darling?" Her voice grew tense, "did anything...happen?"

"She can sniff a wedding ring from across the city," Arthur mumbled and Freya slapped his hand,

" _I'll_ tell her. Merlin and I....we're getting married! Again! For real this time!"

Silence. Then Ygraine screamed out her joy. Arthur, knowing his mother, had already covered his ears.

After an afternoon of tipsy Welsh ladies pinching Merlin's cheek while telling him he did his country proud, he abandoned Arthur behind the bar and escaped out back to smoke. Gwen already sat there and said,

"Congratulations," when she saw him.

"Thank you," he mumbled and sat down.

"Are you sure this time?" she smiled.

"Yes. As long as she doesn't sleep with Arthur again, I'm sure." Then he paused and thought back, "Er..."

"Hm," Gwen said and sipped her drink.

"I'm _sure_ ," Merlin said.

"I heard you," she said calmly.

"It was just a phase. Blowing off steam for the both of us. I'm ready to marry Freya." He stared at his shoes.

"Good for Freya."

"Yes..." He looked up and caught her gaze. "What?"

"I don't think you want to hear it." She looked out on the street where people walked past, laughing and enjoying themselves.

"Probably not. But say it anyway."

"Before I go crazy in dresses and veils with Freya, I just have to say this: Last night nothing could have stopped Arthur, if you hadn't stepped between him and Gwaine. You do know that?"

"If Freya had gone in or you - "

"We would have been trampled by the wildebeest's hooves. He only stopped because it was you."

"I'm not gay..." he said tonelessly for the hundredth time, ready to get mocked.

"I hope not. For you and Freya. But mostly for Arthur's sake."

He turned to look at her,

"When did you become his defender?"

"Last night...the way he looked at you." She looked at him intensely. "I thought, that's it. They'll be a couple before long. That's why it shook me a little to get Ygraine's text of rapture celebrating your upcoming nuptials with a woman?"

He closed his eyes. A door slammed next to them, and they looked up to see Leon stare red eyed at Merlin.

"Did you hear the happy news?" Gwen asked but he just scoffed,

"Like I bloody care!" and stalked away.

"Great, another well wisher," Merlin mumbled.

"He's in love with Freya," Gwen said. "No wonder he's hurt. That's a big responsibility."

"What is?" he said exasperated.

"To look at someone and say: we can make each other happy. When Lance looks at me, I feel it. There's no one but him in my life, and there isn't anyone I would rather spend my life with. Can you say the same?"

"If only you weren't so damn subtle," he said, and she laughed and shrugged,

"Okay...then I'll go wedding crazy with Freya from now on."

That night Merlin and Freya made love. Merlin looked down into her face and very much didn't think back at the previous night where Arthur had played an active part in their newfound sex life. It was just the two of them, something pure and new and definitely something he could imagine doing for the rest of his life. Just Freya and him, all alone - Until Arthur's voice echoed through the flat,

"Oi, could you keep it down, you pervs? Your immoral sex sounds are keeping me up!"


	16. Don't Screw This One Up.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weddings, Cinderella and Arthur has sex. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, straight sex again...

A text buzzed on Merlin's phone the next morning. It was from Gwaine:

 _Congrats. She's a beaut. Txt me when A calms down. G_.

The pictures that followed were of Elena sunbathing naked, Gaius trying to read a newspaper, a naked Percy trying to steal the newspaper and finally Gaius hitting Percy with the crumbled up newspaper. He grinned and Freya and Arthur looked up.

"Text from St Barts," Merlin explained.

"Ha," Arthur mumbled and continued searching for flats.

"Oh, may I see," Freya said eagerly and squealed when she saw the first, "I wish I was that thin. I won't eat anything from now on." She took a chocolate croissant and stuffed it in her mouth.

"When are you getting hitched?" Arthur asked.

"I don't know." She put the phone down. "Ygraine said there's a staff-meeting for everyone at six tonight, and she had something to suggest about the wedding?"

"Probably wants you two to get married at PEN so she can charge tickets..." Arthur mumbled.

Arthur walked into PEN at five o'clock and collided with Morgana,

"Hey."

"Hey yourself," she said. "Still sulking over Gwaine?"

He shrugged,

"Not really. Haven't you heard?"

"That the non-virgin is getting married again to the non-gay guy? Yeah. Ygraine spammed my phone with the happy news. There should be a law regulating how many hearts, bunnies and rainbows you can add to a text. So..." she slapped his arm, "not your favourite day today?"

"Shut up," he mumbled. "Just a little down. I better go shag someone. You up for it?"

"Not really," she said. "How about getting married instead?"

He frowned and dug his hands into his pockets,

"Why?"

"I don't know. To irritate your mother? Steal Gwen's thunder? Drive Merlin mental with jealousy?"

"All valid reasons but I doubt he'd care." He looked up, "You would do that for me?"

"And for Albert."

"His name's Pirate, and you're not getting my pony."

She huffed,

"All right, but we announce it today, then. During the meeting." She looked at her watch, "It's an hour away. I don't expect chastity, but when we are engaged dipping your cock in the ink PEN is off-limits, so if there is anyone here you fancy, you have less than 57 minutes to shag."

He smiled,

"I love it when you're practical." "I'll have to, darling. I'm becoming a Pendragon!" She kissed his cheek and went on her way. He turned and looked at Nimueh who was greeting people at the door with her best insolent smile.

"Hi..." he said and hovered over her. "When's your break?"

She measured him coolly,

"Why? Think I'll spend it with you?"

"With me, around me, your call entirely..." He grinned when she gasped but couldn't stop laughing,

"Yeah? That's nice of you." She licked her lower lip and sized him up. "Okay. I'm off in five minutes. But I warn you, I don't shag in back alleys like Morgause."

"A girl with standards," he said. "Good, I like a challenge." He looked over at Catrina, the other hostess, who wore the shortest skirt he had ever seen, "How are your views on threesomes?"

She followed her gaze,

"I'm game, but you'll never get her to do it. She's a nice catholic girl."

"Nice catholic girls usually like to have something to confess. We'll pick you up in five." He prowled over to Catrina and hovered. She looked up, smiled, stopped smiling, covered her cleavage and gasped. Nimueh grinned. Then Arthur talked and nodded at Nimueh and talked some more, and Catrina put her finger in her mouth and blushed. Nimueh smiled: _Threesome it is_...

Merlin had a text from Arthur: _Ride em cowboy_. Luckily his phone was on mute when he played the video. He recognised the two new hostesses after a few minutes. One of them, Nimueh, was riding Arthur roughly, sweat covering them both, giving it all she got. The other, Catrina, lay waving at the camera with a...he stared, it looked like a dildo.

The next text said: _Thinking of you._ Arthur had filmed Catrina with her lips around his...okay, Merlin shut his phone down and sat, heart hammering, listening to Freya ring everyone she knew in the world to alert them to the wedding.

The third text said: _Everyone has a dopplegänger!_ The picture was of a young man who lay on his stomach with Arthur on top of him. Merlin's hand shook for some reason. Catrina seemed to have vanished, but he could see Nimueh's long legs in the background. The man was almost an exact copy of himself with blue eyes, dark hair and pale skin. Merlin was provoked enough to text:

_Where the hell are you? We have a staff meeting in 15 minutes?_

Arthur answered:

_I knew a pic of Carl would get a rise out of you. I swear, fucking him must be exactly like being inside you._

_In your dreams, you wanker!_ Merlin texted him back.

 _Always._ Arthur texted back. _They are titled: Hot, Wet and Tight...and guess who has the staring role?_

He threw his mobile down and groaned. The next text was a video-file. The description read:

_Found myself a screamer._

Merlin did _not_ watch it.

When the staff meeting started, Arthur still hadn't shown up, but Merlin noticed that Catrina sat in the background, looking utterly ashamed. Ygraine sighed,

"Of course he isn't here. It's work-related, after all. I should have texted we had an orgy. That would have caught his attention."

Arthur just then walked in hand in hand with Nimueh. Standing up she was a tall, lanky girl with a cool air and amazing blue eyes. Ygraine looked her up and down, took in her skintight diminutive black lace dress and the killer stilettos and said,

"I asked people to come at six, not twenty past. I'm sure it's not your fault, dear, I blame my bloody son, but _do_ be on time next time?"

Nmueh opened her mouth to answer, but Ygraine continued,

"And I sincerely hope you have a decent dress and a pair of comfortable shoes in your locker? I'm all for stilettos, but you have a long night on double-shift so do invest in a pair of nice shoes with a sensible heel."

"I do," Nimueh said a little testily. "I - "

"And we are not running a pole dancing class, darling. I prefer dresses made of cloth. Preferable one that doesn't reveal the colour on your undies."

Freya squealed just then,

"Your shoes, Ygraine! I _adore_ them!"

Ygraine raised her shapely leg and showed what looked like a glass-slipper with see-through stiletto heels,

"Isn't it darling, darling? Real gems, crystals and a little bit of faith holding it all together. Cinderella with an edge."

Freya gasped,

"I want those glass shoes to my wedding and the biggest puffiest ballgown ever!"

Ygraine gasped,

"And tiny, exquisite pumpkin shaped gold earrings!"

"And a big gold carriage cake shaped like a pumpkin!"

Nimueh looked like she was going to throw up.

"And," Ygraine clutched her chest, "We'll incorporate pumpkins into the decor. Gold pumpkins and gold plates for that fairy-tale feeling!"

"And mice," Arthur said and sat down, "Don't forget mice to get you to the church on time."

They ignored him.

"And, uh, the first dance is to " _So This is Love?_ " Freya said wide eyed and both of them squealed.

"Darling," Ygraine said, "we see eye to eye on everything. You are me from, oh, a few years ago!"

"Great," Arthur said, "so I literately boinked my mother." His mouth was close to Merlin's ear as he leaned in, "But you are marrying her."

Freya sang,

" _A dream is a wish you're heart made.._." and Morgause let out a lengthy moan.

"But," Ygraine reluctantly forced her mind away from Cinderella, "Gwen, darling, you are getting married here in less than fourteen days. Now, if you are anything like me, you started planning it when you were five, so please tell me no if you aren't game for this, but...how about we make it a double wedding in Cornwall instead? We have so much room at dusty old Camelot?"

Arthur put his fingers in his ears seconds before Gwen, Freya and Ygraine screeched in unison.

"Why do I always forget that," Merlin mumbled and flinched when Freya shrieked,

"Yes!"

Gwen said,

"Like Rosalind Russell and Marylin Monroe, Freya. We could walk up the aisle together!"

Merlin stared at Gwen who seemed to have forgotten her previous hesitation about his wedding.

"Yes, yes, yes!" Freya yelled ecstatically, jumping in her seat.

"Shut up," Merlin mumbled when Arthur started grinning salaciously.

"I love doing things in groups," Gwen said. "And Lance will love it too. And we could have matching dresses and wedding bouquets and..."

Arthur said,

"Strange how wise Gwen is when you talk to her alone and so utterly brain dead when she's near my mother?"

"Swans and hearts and pink roses..." Ygraine said. "And the boys could wear tails and top hats!"

"What?" Merlin said. "Oh no I don't!"

"Or kilts," Gwen said. "What do Welsh men wear exactly?"

Arthur began to chuckle. "Preferably not much," he said into his ear; his hot breath tickling Merlin's skin. Morgana cut through the wedding bliss with a voice like a laser,

"I guess Arthur and I aren't invited?"

"Good old Morgana," Arthur said. "Attention is on two other girls, and then she pulls it back on her!"

"Why not?" Freya said to Morgana.

"Because, you doily," Mordred said, "she filmed you boinking Arthur and showed everyone! Awkward, much?"

Freya just looked at Arthur,

"But that's no reason why they shouldn't come to my wedding? They didn't kill anyone."

Morguse chuckled,

"La petite mort," and Ygraine said,

"Watch your mouth, you!" but couldn't stop herself from smiling.

"Good," Morgana said. "Then I'll invite you and Merlin to my wedding next year." She looked around slyly when everyone gasped.

"Who are you marrying, Morgana?" Ygraine said tonelessly.

"Arthur, of course." Morgana smiled at Arthur who shrugged,

"Why not?"

Merlin looked at him and for some reason felt his heart sink. Nimueh then rose and smacked Arthur's face before she walked out in her inch high heels. At the other end of the room Catrina quietly sobbed.

"I'm beginning to warm to that girl," Ygraine said. "Such balance. What an exit. Well, congrats, darling," she said to Morgana. "And to you too, Arthur. Don't screw this one up."

"What?" Arthur chuckled. "No girly-girly screeching with Morgana. Your oldest son's getting married!"

She looked at him, utterly unmoved,

"Did you set a date at all?"

Morgana said,

"No...a quick whiz to the local magistrate and then an all-you-can-drink boozer?"

"Charming," Ygraine said. "And I assume the dress will be all leather adorned with nipple rings?" She made a point out of shivering and Morgana nodded,

"Perhaps. Thank you for the tip, Mother."

Ygraine sent her a withering look, but Morgana still kept going,

"Unless you are ready to make this wedding a threesome?"

Gwen and Ygraine looked at her and firmly said in unison,

"No!"


	17. Almost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Drunk Merlin meets Sober Arthur.

Twelve days had flown by, and it was the night of the bachelor party. The next day they would be gathering at Camelot, and the day after that was the double wedding day. The men's bachelor party was at PEN while the girls, already in Cornwall, had their own pink themed party at Camelot.

"Poor cows," Arthur chuckled. "My mum's attending and sexy Aunt Viv. God, Morgana sent me an insane text when she found out her mum would be there."

Merlin downed a beer,

"Poor her. Hope they have alcohol, at least. Oh, vodka!"

"Morgana just texted me again," Arthur informed him. "They only have pink champagne and liqueurs. She's _not_ happy."

Lance looked at Merlin,

"Sure you should be drinking that much, Merl? Remember we're flying down to Camelot tomorrow?"

"Today I want to be so drunk I can't remember it tomorrow," Merlin said and downed yet another drink.

"Love that idea," Arthur mumbled. "Give me a glass of vod too."

Gwaine edged in slowly with his hands up,

"Is it safe? Is Arthur here?"

Arthur looked at him,

"What are you doing, idiot?"

Merlin downed another drink,

"Gwaine, darling," he said, "wouldn't be a wedding without you!" He stood up and embraced Gwaine who smiled nervously at Arthur,

"Yes, heard both of you turned insane and decided to wed _girls_." He looked at Arthur, "Didn't think you would be so desperate?"

Arthur shrugged sourly, and Gwaine sat down while Merlin stumbled up to the bar and yelled,

"Champagne!"

"What's the matter, Arthur?" Gwaine said.

"I don't know," Arthur said. "I just...feel odd. Normally I'd just fuck someone, but that doesn't help anymore."

Gwaine poured himself a drink,

"Tell Doctor Gwaine all about your symptoms. Remember I studied medicine for two years."

Arthur looked over at the bar where Lance lined up glasses, and Merlin poured the champagne. He sighed frustrated,

"Nothing's fun anymore. Nothing's left to look forward to. Is this what growing old is?"

"Well, you _are_ pledging your life to Morgana so no wonder you're gloomy?"

Arthur rubbed his face,

"I don't know...I did two hostesses in a hotel-room and this hot male waiter turned up. Twenties, dark hair, blue eyes, gorgeous - and I just couldn't."

"After two girls that's hardly surprising."

"No, I mean, I _could_ , but I didn't." Arthur noticed his surprise and nodded. "I just blew him and sent him packing."

"Why?" Gwaine asked. "That's not like you at all."

Arthur shrugged,

"He wasn't Merlin..."

Ygraine had arranged a dignified, ladylike hen-party much to the joy of Gwen and Freya and the horror of Morgana and Morgause. Every female employee from PEN had been invited, which meant that Nimueh and Catrina spent the whole party sneak-drinking gin and staring critically at Morgana's outfit. She, on the other hand, angry-tweeted Arthur, complaining about their mothers, but all she received in return were drunken pictures of Merlin dancing.

"I'm drunk," Merlin declared. "Drunk-drunk-drunk-drunk-drunk!" He smiled. "That's a funny word..."

Around him people had fallen asleep.

"Yes, you certainly are," Arthur said. He had stopped drinking several hours ago because even drinks hadn't had the wished for effect, and he was now very much sober; an uncomfortable experience when everyone else was drunk. Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur's neck,

"Carry me."

"I think it's best you walk," Arthur said and looked at the others. Mordred had fallen asleep with his head in Elyan's lab, Gwaine slept on Lance's shoulder, and Leon was clutching his mobile that had a screenshot of Freya making duck-lips.

"Let's get you home." Arthur turned Merlin around and made him walk in an almost straight line. Outside he put him up against the wall while he locked up,

"Come on, Sleeping Beauty, we're going home."

"Nooooooo," Merlin said and clung to him. "We can't. We can't. We can't. We can't. Ask me why?" He looked him in the eye.

Arthur sighed,

"Why can't we go home, Merlin?"

Merlin put a finger on his lips and hissed loudly,

"Shyyyyysh. Because the ground is made of jelly and would swallow the car. See!" He stepped overly gingerly on the ground. Arthur placed his hands on Merlin's shoulders, turned him around again and pushed him forward,

"And so is your head tomorrow. Come on."

He managed to get parts of Merlin into the car, but other parts kept crawling out again.

"You know what?" Merlin confided in him. Arthur ducked his head and then quickly all his arms and legs inside and closed the car-door with a sigh,

"No, what?"

"I love you." He smiled a ridiculously wide smile through the open window and said, "As in really, really, really, really, really, really love you!"

"Really?" Arthur mumbled. "That's nice to know." He went over to the driver's side and opened the door.

"And I really, really, really, really, really, really like Freya, but I don't love her."

Arthur looked at him,

"That's just the drink talking." He settled in the car and pulled the door shut, then he leaned over and fastened Merlin's seat belt. Merlin looked him in the eye with only an inch separating them and said dreamily,

"You're pretty."

"You are pretty too," Arthur said. "Perhaps you should sleep a little." He pulled back and fastened his own seat belt before he started the car, but Merlin seemed to have developed an obsession with his face.

"You are prettier than Gwaine," he informed him.

Arthur smiled a crooked smile,

"Thank you."

"You are prettier than Lance," he then declared.

"No one is prettier than Lance," Arthur chuckled. Merlin leaned over, and when he couldn't get any closer, he unfastened the seat belt.

"Merl, that's supposed to be on."

Merlin just placed his head in his lap and said,

"I love it when you smile to me. Makes me feel all warm and tickety-boo inside."

Arthur clutched the steering wheel and groaned,

"This would be a really bad time to be stopped by the police."

"The police's pretty too," Merlin said to his lap. "And their uniforms are sooo sexy. I want a drink."

"I think you had quite enough," Arthur drove on.

Arthur sighed with relief when he parked outside their building.

"Okay, Merlin, come on. We have to get out."

"No," Merlin said and hugged his hips. "I'm sleeping..."

Arthur felt a little too comfortable with Merlin's warm face pressed against his groin. He heard a voice in his head that sounded like his mother, say: _Get out of the car, now!_ He raised Merlin's head and tried to scoot out under him, but Merlin grabbed him so they both fell out of the car onto the pavement. Luckily for Merlin he landed on Arthur, who moaned out.

"Sleeeeeeep," Merlin said, clutching him with both arms around his chest. Arthur raised them both up and placed Merlin across the bonnet of the car while he locked the car door. He looked at him sprawled out, trying his best to tenderly hug the car and sighed.

"I wanna be carried," Merlin mumbled to the car.

"Okay," Arthur pulled him up to stand, and Merlin collapsed against him like an earthworm. Arthur scooped his legs up and then his back, carrying him like a child, cursing,

"God, you're bloody heavy. Where the hell is that weight on you? You're thin as a whip..."

Merlin opened his eyes and smiled.

"Arthur?" he said.

"Yes," Arthur mumbled and pushed the door to the building open. Thank god for the lift.

"I love you," he said dreamily.

"Yes, you mentioned that a couple of times," Arthur mumbled and Merlin took a deep breath,

"Sometimes I wish you would just..." his voice trailed as his eyes fell shut. Arthur carried him into the lift and managed to hit the right button with his elbow.

"Just what?" he mumbled and looked into his face. Merlin smiled with closed eyes,

"Kiss me until I stop thinking it's wrong."

Arthur hesitated and looked down at his lips. Then he said,

"Sorry. That's the one rule I have."

"What rule?" Merlin mumbled and opened his eyes, " _Hi._ "

"Hi," Arthur said and mumbled. "Remind me _never_ to go boozing with you again."

The lift doors opened and Arthur said,

"Merlin? Could you...can you find your key? Freya has mine."

"Key?" Merlin mumbled. "What's that?"

"Oh my god," Arthur mumbled and let go of his legs.

"Yeeee," Merlin giggled and his legs wobbled. "This is _fun!_ "

"Yes, hilarious." Arthur put his hand down Merlin's trouser pocket while he clung to his shoulders.

"Is that a wand in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" Merlin giggled.

"What?" Arthur huffed and went through the other pocket. "Merlin, stand still. I'm not bloody enjoying this!"

"I am," Merlin said. "Do it again..."

Luckily Arthur then found the key,

"Now just stand there." He leaned Merlin up against the wall, but he slid down at once like a melting snowman, legs sprawled, and Arthur sighed. With a lot of effort he pulled him up to stand and then up over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes,

" _Up, up and away, my beautiful balloon!_ " Merlin sang and clutched his t-shirt. "This is fun, too. You're upside down," he told his back. Arthur marched directly into the bedroom and threw him on the bed so he bounced. He then wiped the sweat off his face and went out and locked the front door, discarding shoes and t-shirt on the way. When he came back into the bedroom, he took off Merlin's shoes,

"Can you sleep in your clothes or do I have to remove them?"

Merlin opened his eyes and smiled,

"I love you."

"You sleep in your clothes," Arthur decided. "Goodnight."

"Aaaarthuuuur?" he called out, and Arthur turned and came back,

"Yes?"

Merlin mumbled something, and Arthur bent over his face and heard him whisper,

"I really _do_ love you."

He smiled down at him,

"I love you too. Now go to sleep." He turned off the light but let the door remain open. Then he threw himself on the mattress and stared out into the darkness.

Lance had rented a small buss to drive them to the airport. From there there was an hour's flight to Newquay. Gwaine sat with a light-green complexion, trying not to look at Elyan and Mordred who surprisingly were snogging without any visible hangovers.

Arthur and Merlin walked out of their building after Lance blew the horn for the third time; Arthur looking fresh faced but gloomy, Merlin dragging his feet and dry-heaving. Lance handed him a bottle of ice water,

"Hydrate. The only known cure against the spiked men in your head."

Arthur looked at Elyan and Mordred sucking each other's tongue and mumbled,

"Now I feel sick."

A few hours later they arrived at the Pendragon summerhouse Camelot that turned out to be a genuine castle.

"You're fucking kidding me!" Merlin gasped when he looked up at it. "Is your family royal or something?"

"Something," Arthur said and fumbled with his mobile. "Now, this isn't my idea at all..."

Something in his voice made Merlin remove his sunglasses,

"What?" He wondered why Arthur almost seemed nervous.

"Because it's a double wedding, the number of guests is doubled too. Freya is related to half of Kent and you apparently to all of Wales, so we have to share a room?"

"It's a castle?" Merlin said suspiciously. "And we have to _share?_ "

"And Gwen's family arrived and Lance's enormous tribe of relatives are coming...if you don't believe me read my mother's newest text." He pulled out his mobile, and Merlin read:

_...so you and Merlin have to share your old room._

He looked at him,

"Okay. I'm sorry I doubted you. Just bend me over and spank me as a penance."

Arthur just looked at him seriously,

"That's okay."

Merlin frowned,

"I just handed you the best harassment material possible. What is with you? You seem so different today?"

Arthur shrugged,

"I don't know what you mean. Come, let's settle in..." He went over and helped Lance unload the suitcases, and Merlin stared after him.

Arthur's old room was huge and a collector's paradise. He had a suit of plate armour standing in one corner and genuine swords hanging on the wall.

"Holy shit," Merlin said. "Are these real?"

Arthur grinned,

"I was easy to shop for when I was a child..." He looked at the bookcases, "I have every single book about King Arthur you could imagine."

Merlin stopped in front of the old battered desk where a replica of Camelot towered up,

"You built this?" He touched it reverently and discovered it was made of real stone.

"Yes, all on my own." Arthur kept looking at him as he wandered through the room with a delighted smile, "Why are you so happy about this?"

Merlin turned with shining eyes,

"Because...my room back home is almost identical to this." He grinned, "I'll have to show my parents. They won't believe this...I mean minus the real suit of armour and the first editions. Mine is made of cardboard I painted grey, and the book are all dogeared paperbacks. And my castle was cardboard, too."

Arthur walked closer,

"You're telling me we played the same games growing up?" He looked at him affectionately, and Merlin blushed,

"I guess so." For a second their eyes met, and then Merlin turned way, "I better unpack." He stopped, "Wait, there's only one bed?" He looked at the old fourposter bed and felt an inkling of panic. Arthur walked up to stand just behind him which didn't exactly help his mood,

"It's wide as a footie-field. We'll fit."

He took Merlin's suitcase from his hand and their fingers touched. Arthur said,

"Let me..." he threw it on the bed next to his own. "The chest of drawers is empty so we'll just fit it all in there. You'll get the top drawers. And if you have suits, the closet's fairly empty." He turned and smiled a small smile, "I came out of it a long time ago." He went about unpacking his own clothes, and Merlin stood, waiting for the obligatory horny remarks that had to follow, but they didn't come. Confused, he started unpacking his own bags, and in the end he broke the silence,

"So...that was some night last night. Think my brain is finally beginning to work again."

Arthur nodded,

"Yes, you drank a lot."

Merlin looked at him and grinned,

"What about you? I'm surprised we didn't end up sleeping on the floor at PEN. How did we get home, by the way?"

"Oh," Arthur shrugged. "We drove. You had sobered up some by then."

Merlin blinked,

"That's funny, I don't remember it at all. I just woke up today with the worst hangover of my life. You don't look like you're that beat?"

Arthur just smiled politely,

"I guess my liver's used to it by now." He paused, "So...in a few days you're a married man?"

Merlin nodded,

"Yes...It's great."

"Yes," Arthur said. "Great." He looked away and Merlin said,

"Arthur, is anything wrong? Did I do something last night that offended you or...?"

Arthur looked at him and then looked away,

"What are you talking about?"

"You act strangely. Almost..." he searched for the right word, "normal? And that's not normal for you?"

Arthur sighed and looked tired,

"You talk like you would prefer I just topple you on the bed and french you?" He turned away and didn't hear Merlin say quietly,

"Almost."


	18. Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Freya takes a stand for womankind, Merlin's mother can't text to save her life, and Arthur is confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a quote from the chapter and sadly not (yet) part of the plot.

He was short with brown eyes, soft black hair and utterly adorable. Merlin took one look at Pirate and fell in love. He caressed his coat, and the pony reached over the low wooden wall to poke his stomach with his soft muzzle.

"He wants carrots." Merlin turned and saw Arthur stand in the door. "But they go to his waist line. He's restricted to ten a day... so he gets twenty."

He walked up to them and pointed at a basket with carrots.

"He looks so lonely," Merlin said, picking up a carrot, and fed it to the pony who took it with twinkling eyes. "Aren't horses supposed to stay in a heard or something?"

"He used to be with some other horses he hated, but they were moved when their owner left our service." Arthur leaned over the low door to pet the horse, and Pirate raised his head eagerly, not too busy crunching the carrot to acknowledge him.

"Seems happy to see you?"

"We go back. I drive out every weekend to visit him, and the stable hands spoil him rotten the rest of the time."

Merlin looked around the dim stable,

"Shouldn't he be outside? It's such a nice day out there?"

Arthur took a rope from the wall,

"The lads lock him out in the mornings, but it's a little too early for them yet. We can take him out, though?"

They led the small horse outside and let him free in the pasture. Merlin smiled when Pirate stuck his head in the air and became excited, then ran around kicking his hind legs up,

"How old is he?" He looked over at Arthur who watched the horse with a fond smile,

"I had him for my fifth birthday, and I could ride him then, so ... At least thirty?"

"He's thirty years old?" Merlin stared at the pony who just then threw himself down in a dust cloud waving four tiny hooves in the air. Arthur grinned,

"He's an Icelandic horse. Not really a pony; we just call him that. They get very old."

When they walked away from Pirate, leaving him happily munching on grass, they saw what looked like a fleet of cars pull into the courtyard.

"Oh," Arthur said. "Looks like my mother picked up some more guests."

Merlin smiled and then gasped,

"Dad? Dad!" He waved as he bolted forward, and a tall man with a grizzly beard roared out,

"Merlin! There, mother, I told you he was here!"

A woman's voice said,

"He never answers my texts. What son doesn't answer his Mum?"

Merlin hugged his father and said with a sudden welsh lilt in his voice,

"Mum, I've received no- _thing_ from you! Did you text Myrtle Evans again at the nursing home?"

His mother pecked his cheek and then said,

"One moment." She riffled through her huge home woven bag, found an enormous battered phone, searched though texts and said,

"Oh. But you _do_ have such similar names. Well, I'm sorry for doubting you." She crushed him in her arms and said, "But now we're here!" Up close she whispered in his ear,

"What have you gotten yourself into?"

Merlin pulled back,

"You know Freya. I thought you would be happy for us?"

"Of course we're happy," Balinor grinned. "You're getting married, boy! What could be better than that?"

Hunith looked at him,

"Hm. Are you absolutely sure, dear?" Her knowing look made him a little uncomfortable,

"What do you mean?"

"Hunith!" Freya's voice echoed over the courtyard as she skipped across it to throw herself into her arms, "You came!"

"Of course I came, you silly girl." She held her out in arm's length, "Uh. You look good. There's a sparkle in your eyes I haven't seen before. City-life must agree with you."

Freya managed to blush guiltily and stare at Arthur, something Balinor missed when he bent down and crushed her to his chest,

"There's my favourite girl!"

Arthur viewed Hunith with interest as she talked to Freya. She was as far from his own mother as he could imagine; an earthy, solid looking woman with red cheeks and chestnut coloured hair pulled back in a hairstyle signaling convenience instead of fashion. He stepped forward, and Merlin pulled back from his mother enough to say,

"Mum, Dad, this is Arthur Pendragon."

"I know who he is, dear," his mother said. "You're a naughty boy." She waved a finger at Arthur to Merlin's dread. "We have tabloids in Wales too, you know!"

Arthur blushed and Balinor interrupted, still with his arms around Freya,

"Boys will be boys. The only difference is that they're now recorded on camera. But what a remarkable place you have here. Do you have any sheep?"

Hunith sighed,

"Bal, not now..."

"There seems to be acres of land here," Balinor said enraptured. "Do you have sheepdogs?"

Merlin said,

"Dad. You're such a stereotype."

"And horses, you must have horses?" Balinor let go of Freya and rubbed his hands eagerly.

"We only have the one horse at the moment," Arthur admitted. "But I would love to have more..." He winked at Merlin. "They're heard animals, after all?"

"What kind?" Balinor asked and looked towards the stables.

"Your mother's _so_ charming," Hunith interrupted, placing a hand on Balinor's arm to distract him. "Such stories she can tell about you."

Arthur went pale,

"She exaggerates Mrs...Er, may I call you Hunith?"

Hunith laughed,

"Do, please. Mrs. Emrys is my husband's mother."

Ygraine called,

"Is anyone hungry? Come tuck in. The waiters are eager to serve lunch!"

"Waiters?" Balinor said and made a face at Hunith. "We _have_ moved up in the world, dumpling."

Ygraine had placed three tables in the huge dining room; one for the Freya/Merlin-wedding party with Ygraine and Arthur, and one for the Gwen/Lance- wedding party with Gwaine and Uther at the table. Uther had already worked up an intense dislike of Freya's parents after having talked to them that morning and requested not to be seated near them. All the PEN employees and Morgana's parents Vivienne and Gorlois Le Fey sat at the third table. Ygraine had wisely decided against letting Arthur sit at a table solely occupied by attractive young men and women.

"We put great value in purity," Freya's father Halig said when Ygaine mentioned that the young people weren't staying in the same room. He was a heavyset man who hadn't cracked a smile in the time he had spent studying Camelot with distaste. "We are so blessed in our Freya." He took her mother Clara's hand and squeezed it.

"She has kept herself unsullied to give the greatest gift to her husband." He nodded approvingly at Merlin, "I give my treasure untouched to you, my son."

Freya looked down at the table, finding the grain of the wood fascinating. Her cheeks were bright red as she tried to ignore Morgana's vomit sounds, thinly disguised as coughs. Merlin smiled a pained smile at Freya's father and looked around the circle of guests. Morgana kept mercifully quiet after she had regained control of her cough. Morgause poured some wine while her face was crunched up in a painful attempt to remain civil. Arthur's eyes were distant and his smile a little dreamy. Leon downed his drink in one gulp and signaled Morgause to fill it up again. Freya then looked up and sighed,

"Daddy?"

At that moment Mordred finally understood what was going on and said,

"Wait, you really think Freya is a _virgin?_ Ha! I saw the video! She's been shagging Merlin, Arthur and Leon!"

Applause came just then from the next table where Lance had finished a speech for Gwen that made both of their mothers' cry. Freya's mum then let out a small hysterical scream while Freya's father stared at Mordred,

"How dare you sully my daughter's reputation!" He turned and stared around the table. Unfortunately people's acting kills were not all that convincing. Arthur looked like he was about to burst out laughing, Freya's demeanor screamed: _Yes, I'm a harlot, please punish me!_ and Merlin couldn't have looked anymore guilty even if he had tried. Mordred scoffed,

"Picture of innocence the lot of them," and was hit over the head by Morgana's flat hand. Halig, on the other hand, pointed at Merlin and Arthur with a shaking finger,

"You! You two...beasts! Did you attack my daughter?"

"Halig, call the police. They violated Freya!" Clara cried.

"Violated?" Arthur said. "That's a bit rich. She couldn't keep her hands off me!"

Merlin said,

"Arthur, no..."

"Which of you is Leon?" Freya's father spit out the name and looked suspiciously at every male at the table. "No one leaves this table before the police arrives!"

"Now, steady on," Uther said from the next table. "No one has committed any crimes. I'm sure this is all just a misunderstanding."

Freya's mum looked up,

"Your ... monster of a son forced himself on our daughter, and now you pretend he's innocent? Isn't it just typical of your class!"

"Mum..." Freya said weakly.

"Oh, no, no, no!" Clara said, embracing her daughter violently. "We don't accuse you at all. You're a victim of their lust."

"Enough of this nonsense!" Ygraine said briskly. "It's very clear that your daughter is a lovely and normal, vibrant young woman - "

"Woman?" Freya's father yelled. "She's a girl. Who has been violated by three men!"

Leon said,

"Mr. Gustavson? I only knew Freya after she had...what ever happened between her and Arthur...and Merlin." He smiled an ingratiating smile.

"So you became her friend first before you took advantage of her vulnerable state?" Halig said and Ygraine sighed,

"Oh, for the love of god?"

Freya's mother gasped,

"We do _not_ take the name of the lord in vain in our house."

"Well, Christ all buggery mighty," Arthur said. "You'll have a most unpleasant stay here, then."

Morgause giggled.

"I do not find that the least amusing, young man," Clara said while staring suspiciously at Morgause, and Halig said,

"Do not speak to him, Clara. He is clearly a morally corrupt and thoroughly blackhearted scoundrel!"

"Well..." Morgana shrugged. "He does have a point there, Arthur."

Hunith looked down and laughed a light bell-like sound that silenced all around the table.

"You find this amusing?" Clara said, tears once more forming in her eyes. "You, a mother?"

Hunith held up her hands,

"Freya, please tell your mother exactly what you have been doing."

Freya, who had been sitting hunched over, abruptly sat up and yelled,

"I had sex, mother. _Sex!_ And my first time was with Arthur because I wanted to have sex with him. _Sorry Merlin_."

Clara gasped.

"And I loved it!" Freya added.

"No!" her mother yelled.

"Yes! And I'm not a child anymore. I'm 23 and having sex is a natural and beautiful thing, and I'm not ashamed of it!"

"Good girl!" Ygraine said.

"And I plan on having a lot more sex. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! My second time was with both Merlin and Arthur - " Freya's speech was interrupted when her mother fainted in her husband's arms. Morgana leaned forward and looked at Freya, like a wolf eying a promising cub,

"Well, ding-dong-bell. Just don't do it again. He's mine now!"

Morgause raised her drink and winked sauciily,

"Respect!"

Merlin was busy calming Freya's parents, and Arthur felt left out when he was asked to keep his distance for the evening. He wandered out into the barn next to the stable and looked up at the hayloft. When he was younger, he used to stay there at night with a blanket, a flashlight and some cartoons. He crawled up the ladder when someone said,

"What you doing?" behind him. Arthur turned on the last step and saw Elena stand with a bottle of wine in her hand.

"Just finding a quiet place to stay," he said.

"Want a bed partner?" she giggled and made a faux curtsy.

"Come on up..." he grinned.

He was almost there. They were naked and Elena definitely looked good when...He sighed and looked down at her,

"I can't." She put her hand down and held him,

"Feels like you could?"

"It's not that. I don't...feel like it? I'm sorry, it's not you."

"Of course it's not, silly," she said lightly. "Don't worry. Mental impotence is very in right now."

He moved off her and sighed.

"I can get you off," he offered. "If you need to?"

"That's okay," she said and pulled down her dress. "I'll just jump Gaius or Gwaine or Percy later. No rush. Is it Merlin?"

He paused and then said,

"Merlin what?"

She rolled over on her side and watched him, tapping his chest,

"That snug inside and connected your cock to your heart?"

He laughed,

"Is that the medical term for it?"

"No," she smiled. "I think in medicine it's called _falling in love_."

Arthur closed his eyes,

"Oh no. That's an inconvenient feeling the day before his wedding."

She laughed,

"Love always is. But it could be worse. You could discover it the day after?" She sighed happily. "Can we go feed your horsey instead, then?"

"Why not..."

Merlin looked at an astounding collection of pictures of Arthur lined up in one of the rooms connecting one huge dining room to an even larger living room. A tiny dazed eyed infant with a stylish Ygraine. A chubby toddler held by Uther trying to coax him to move. A fine-bean thin Arthur wearing his first school uniform and a very sour expression. And many others documenting birthdays that looked surprisingly cozy, and sports events where he held a trophy in his grubby hands with a triumphant smile. Later, he grew into a sullen teenager with confusion in his eyes who then again transformed into the self confident, huge smiling idiot he knew. His eyes sought out the awkward teenage pictures again. There was one where Arthur looked directly into the camera, and his eyes revealed a startling frailty. Merlin touched the glass, wondering if that Arthur still existed, somewhere. Uther stood next to him and pointed at the picture with a glass of whiskey,

"He's a good boy you know. Deep down. He just need someone to fix him to one spot."

Merlin said slowly,

"Morgana and he seem happy?"

Uther raised an eyebrow,

"Well..." he looked at him. "Let's hope so. You do know my son is bisexual, don't you?"

Merlin blinked,

"Er...yes?"

"Or, as I would put it, afraid to commit. I think he is gay but just likes torturing his mother." He looked at him and drank some whiskey. "He needs someone with a level head and a kind heart." He turned and watched Morgana slither around Morgause in a snake dance.

"At least she has the head." He turned and fixed Merlin with a peculiar gaze, "Nice to meet you, Mr. Emrys."


	19. I Could Kill You For This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Arthur alienates a lot of people.

Catrina emitted a shriek and Ygraine yelled,

"Gorlois!" Then she turned and said to Hunith, "In-law or not, if that man fondles one more server I will personally castrate him!"

Morgause said,

"Let me." She sashayed towards Gorlois who stood stunned, congratulating himself with his luck, and engaged him in conversation. Hunith whispered,

"What's she going to do?"

Ygraine laughed, "No matter what, it'll be painful..."

Just then Gorlois thrust his hips heavily against Morgause and put his hand on her bum. She smiled and yanked her knee up, making him cry out a single weak note. Then she twirled around and inserted her stiletto heel directly into his groin. He screamed and sank to his knees. Vivienne looked over her shoulder and said disinterested,

"Did you say something, dear?"

"That's my girl," Ygraine laughed when Morgause prowled away.

"Who would ever sleep with him?" one of Freya's cousins said, staring at Arthur from across the room. "London girls must be really desperate."

The remark made several women and men stare insulted in her direction; something she didn't notice.

"I don't know..." another cousin said. "Looks, charm, money, name...I'd take him."

"I guess I just prefer men like Merlin," the first said. "He treats girls like they're humans, not body parts. Arthur's a swine."

"Oi, virgins!" Morganna snarled drunkenly behind them. "You want to badmouth my fella, do it in Kent!"

They looked at her scared and offended, and Gwen popped up behind Morgana, trying to pull her away.

"That's the girl who is marrying him despite all he did!" Girl two whispered to Girl one.

"That's the girl who is going to kick your flat arse, if you don't cease your bitching!" Morgana roared and fought Gwen's attempt to quiet her.

"What's the problem?" Arthur appeared behind them, and the girls looked up at him. Morgana was flustered, Gwen angry with both Arthur and Morgana for destroying her party, and the Kent girls suddenly became breathless and giggling.

"No problem. Just a couple of emaciated nuns hating you," Morgana spat out. Arthur looked at them,

"Hatred's just another word for passion. Indifference is much, much worse. Hi ladies."

Girl two giggled breathlessly,

"Hi Arthur!"

"Hi you," he said and took her hand. Morgana hissed,

"Arthur, you're drunk. Hands off."

"Wrong," he said. "Haven't touched a drop. I'm just naturally bad and needs to be punished severly. Any volunteers?"

Girl one lowered her chin to her chest and giggled. Gwen, more than a little tipsy, felt bad for womankind in general and swept in to protect the girls,

"I agree with everything they said, Arthur. You don't respect women at all!" She prodded his chest with every syllable.

"Er, Gwen?" Lance said behind her, but Gwen said,

"Later, Lance. This. Is. Important."

Arthur's smile faded,

"Gwen, we're already past that? Just let it go..."

She scoffed,

"You'd like that, wouldn't you? All the things you do in the dark with your drill-hammer loins, and you can't own up to them in daylight now."

"Well, you should know," he said and turned his back on her. Mordred mouthed happily from the back: _Drill-hammer loins?_

Gwen yanked Arthur around by the arm,

"What you mean by that?"

"I ... Let's just leave it," he said.

"Leave it?" she said and her voice shook, "Like the fact you shagged Freya so Merlin would find out and dump her?"

"Why don't you just...keep quiet," Arthur said and lowered his voice.

"So you could have him all for yourself!" Gwen continued in a much louder voice. "You're just a horny beast who thinks everyone is gagging to lie under you! Who would shag a whore like you?"

"Gwen, please don't..." Lance said and touched her shoulder, glancing imploringly at Arthur. "We're all friends here."

Arthur looked around the room. Catrina and Nimueh were gleefully watching Morgana who looked at Gwen like she could strangle her.

"You were sure gagging for it once!" he snarled embarrassed, and her aggression turned to shock.

"Arthur!" Merlin gasped behind him, and even Morgana gaped.

"She called me a whore?" he defended himself. "Girls never get seduced by me, _Guinevere._ They decide to fuck me – like you did last year!"

She slapped his face, and the sound echoed through the room.

"How dare you!" Gwen started crying, and Lance's knight switch was activated,

"Gwennie, don't cry..." He stared at Arthur angrily, "Just...you know, stay away from her!"

Arthur turned and met Merlin's disapproving gaze, and Mordred chose that moment to say,

"I saw him shagging Elena in the barn earlier."

Morgana gasped,

"You slept with another employee?" She yanked off the engagement ring, "Here!"

"You bought it," Arthur snarled. "Give it to the next sod who's humping you."

"Arthur!" Morgana's mother Vivienne yelled out, and he looked around the room at the sea of angry, disappointed faces.

"Go to hell," he mumbled and walked out, and minutes later they heard his jaguar start with a roar. Silence fell over the party except for Clara's occasional shriek when Freya attempted to talk to her. Balinor said,

"It's just wedding nerves," and nodded at Gwen who was consoled by Lance. "Everyone gets a little dramatic before their wedding. Now," he put his hand on Merlin's shoulder. "Tomorrow will be the best day of your life. I promise you that."

Merlin felt butterflies in his stomach but nodded,

"I guess so."

Freya's parents had stopped threatening to leave and instead retired to sulk in their bedroom. Uther had stopped asking why anyone would stop them. Freya had been dragged away by Ygraine and Morgause to have her opinions of sexuality reinforced. Mordred and Elyan were retiring for an early night, but when Merlin went up to the room, he could hear they were very much awake next door. He went to bed, head under his pillow, wondering where Arthur was.

Merlin had barely fallen asleep when he woke from a persistent hammering outside. He looked out the window and saw two police cars down in front of the frontdoor with the lights flashing. When he stumbled out into the hall, Gwen and Lance stood in the door across from his, looking pained.

"What's the matter?"

Gwen started sobbing, and Lance said,

"Arthur was in an accident. His car's smashed up. Ygraine and Uther just left for the hospital, but no one knows..."

Merlin felt his throat close up. He swallowed and then head Lance's voice,

"Merl, are you okay? You're shaking." He let go of Gwen and grabbed Merlin, who clung to him for one long moment when panic overtook his mind. _Gone,_ was all he heard in his head. _Gone_. He heard Lance talk but couldn't understand what he was saying. Then Gwen, who upon noticing him in distress immediately snapped out of her own, said,

"Ygraine promised to ring the second she knew anything." She put her hand on his back, "Come into our room."

Ygraine rang at one. Lance picked up the phone and listened intensely and then he sighed,

"Oh thank god!"

Gwen started crying again, and Merlin tried to relax but found he couldn't stop shaking.

"Is he okay?" he whispered. Lance nodded tenderly and whispered,

"Yes. What?" he then said to Ygraine. "No, it's Merlin. Yes. Very much upset." He lowered his voice, "Shaking, actually. What? Just us three...Yes, Gwen is crying again." He listened. "Yes, I will." He looked at Merlin, "Ygraine told me to say the car looks like a squashed box of sardines, but Arthur of course, being the prince of Darkness, walked away almost without a scratch. Yes, I'll tell them. Goodbye." He put the phone down and said, "They're coming home. Arthur was sober when they took a blood sample. The doctors wanted to keep him overnight to observe him for a concussion, but he refused."

Gwen smiled and blew her nose,

"I'll never be angry with him again..." Then she cried again and embraced Lance who said,

"At least the wedding will happen now?"

Merlin stood still, feeling his heat beat fall to unnatural slow.

Gwen and Lance wisely decided to go to sleep. No one knew how long it would be for them to drive home, but Merlin knew he wouldn't be able to rest. Instead he walked down to sit in the enormous hall, contemplating how easily their lives could have changed with one single accident. He woke by the sound of Ygraine whispering loudly,

"Oh look! Merlin waited up! Aw...No Arthur, don't wake - "

Merlin opened his eyes and looked directly into Arthur's face, only marred by the tiniest of plasters on his forehead. Merlin felt a strange sensation in his chest having him so near. He could feel the warm breath on his face and then realised his heart had decided to start working again.

"Arthur?" he mumbled and saw him smile when he heard his name. Then a voice sobbed,

"OhmygodI'msosorry!" and Gwen wrapped her arms around Arthur's chest, crying and shivering. Lance stood behind them and shrugged in a manly fashion,

"We thought you were, you know..."

"Not quite," Arthur said and caressed Gwen's back, "Dying would have been incredibly rude towards the bride."

At the word _dying_ Gwen sobbed some more, and Ygraine said,

"That's enough now, dear," and removed Arthur's arms around Gwen, and Gwen's fingers digging into his dirty t-shirt. "You'll get puffy eyes if you cry anymore, and Arthur can't concentrate when a pretty girl clings to him in a nightie." She then said to Merlin, "I think we could all need some sleep. I'll call the vicar and have the wedding moved 'till after noon. Luckily Freya's ghastly parents seem to sleep through thunder. Is Uther still out in the car? Whatever is he tinkering with?"

Arthur pulled Merlin to his feet and grabbed a bottle of wine from the table as they passed it,

"Goodnight Mum. Come on, Merl..."

Merlin was quiet when Arthur opened the bottle of wine in their room.

"You're not supposed to drink if you have a concussion," he suddenly said.

"Then I refuse to have a concussion," Arthur said. "Hand me that glass."

They drank, sitting on the bed, and Merlin said,

"So what happened?"

Arthur shrugged,

"Nothing."

Merlin looked at him,

"Ygraine said your car's destroyed?"

He sighed,

"Yes. I...think it hit the kerb and bounced against a tree. Could walk away from it, though." He looked at him, "My guardian angel must have a foam mattress on him. What about you?"

"Me?" Merlin said.

"Yes, you're getting married tomorrow. We're all here, and you look like something the cat vomited on the kitchen floor. What's the matter?"

Merlin shrugged,

"Not enough sleep...My dad said tomorrow will be the best day of my life. It was for him."

"Hope he's right," Arthur said and looked away.

"But if something had happened today, if you were dead...even with Freya there, my wedding wouldn't be happy." He looked at Arthur who looked back at him tensely, but then he shrugged,

"You might have had to postpone it a day or two."

"You think I would get married right after you died?"

Arthur smiled,

"With my mother there, you wouldn't have much choice."

Merlin laughed as the thought of Ygraine pushing Freya up the aisle entered his sleep deprived brain,

"I'm so tired I'm delirious. And it's morning soon."

Arthur yawned,

"Think I'm too tired to sleep..." He sat back on the bed and let his foot nudge Merlin's leg, "Tomorrow, Toyboy."

"Tomorrow," Merlin said. Arthur drank another glass of wine and said easily,

"If I...left, would you still get married?"

Merlin turned his head and stared at him,

"Odd question. You came back for the wedding, didn't you?"

"Yes."

Merlin waited for him to say more, but when he didn't, he closed his eyes, determined to ask him what the hell that meant in a few minutes. He just needed to rest his eyelids for a little while.

It was morning when he woke up. He turned his head and saw that it was five o'clock. Then he noticed Arthur was awake beside him, watching him.

"Didn't you sleep?" Merlin mumbled. Arthur sat up and moved his sore shoulder muscles,

"Couldn't. Too much rattling around in my head."

"A thought, perhaps?" Merlin said. "All alone in that big empty sphere?"

"Funny man," Arthur smiled. He paused and then said, "I was thinking about what you said. Last night. That I came back for the wedding?"

Merlin yawned and fluffed up his flattened bed hair,

"Yes, you said so to Gwen."

Arthur smiled strangely,

"Actually, I lied. I'd hate to see you get married. So...I won't at church today."

Merlin scoffed and waited for him to smile. He didn't.

"Oh, come one, it's one of your pranks. You jealous of Freya?" He grinned. "You always said you were fine with me and girls?"

Arthur took a deep breath and then he looked at him,

"I lied. I'm not okay with you sleeping with girls. Not at all, I hate it. In fact I hate Freya right now for marrying you."

Merlin rolled his eyes,

"Hate? That's why you been drooling down her cleavage from day one?"

Arthur looked down at his hands,

"Gwen was right. I seduced Freya to make you break up with her."

Merlin's words stuck in his throat.

"And I fucked Elyan because I knew you would come home to find us."

"Arthur, don't... " he managed to mumble.

"And I fucked Mordred knowing you would come see us."

Merlin tried to catch his eyes, but Arthur was avoiding eye contact with a stubborn determination. He finished his sentence,

"I'm in love with you."

Merlin just stared at him.

"Must have been ever since the first..." Arthur's voice trailed, and Merlin blurted out,

"You have a fucking timing!" He kept looking at his tense face; his shoulders that seemed to carry a heavy load.

"Yes, I know. Sorry."

"You say this _now?_ " His voice was high pitched. "A few hours before my wedding?"

"I'm sorry." Arthur looked up, and something in his eyes told Merlin he was being honest. It also made him panic,

"Well, you fucking should be!" He sat up and realised he was still fully clothed. "I could kill you for this."

Merlin grabbed his sports bag by the wall and went into the bathroom, slamming the door, and Arthur sighed. When Merlin came back out, he was wearing shorts and running shoes.

"Don't follow me," he said. Arthur slumped on the bed when the door closed behind him, cursing himself. That was it, then.


	20. I Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where...a lot happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was written some years ago. Some might find the "is it a girl or a boy?" shtick frightfully trans-phobic in 2020. It isn't meant to be. It's actually a tongue-in-cheek homage to all androgynous people out there, without whom life would be very, very dull.

Merlin ran without watching the road for what felt like hours. _The best day of your life_ , he heard his father's proud voice say. Then he remembered his mother's curious look. _What have you gotten yourself into?_ He stopped and gasped, bending forward to catch his breath. Unlike everyone else in his nosy family, she had never pestered him to find a girlfriend. Instead she always said,

"Take your time to figure things out. Don't tie yourself down with the wrong person."

 _Person._ He stood up, still panting, waiting for the burning feeling to cease the grip of his chest. She never said _girl._

 _I'm in love with you._ Damn you, Arthur Pendragon. He turned around and ran back, not fleeing as before but determined this time.

It was still too early for anyone to be up so he ran unhindered down the many corridors and burst into the room. It was empty. He checked the chest of drawers and realised Arthur had removed all his clothes.

Merlin parked his car next to the small train station. He noticed Ygraine's very pink Cadillac was parked half up over the kerb in Arthur's typical style, taking up far more room than necessary. When he turned a corner, he saw him sit on a vintage bench, feet resting on two suitcases, flipping through a train schedule. He looked decidedly somber. Merlin dumped down next to him and saw him startle,

"What are you doing here?"

"What are _you_ doing here?" Merlin said. "Running away like that. How La Traviata of you."

"Amami, Alfredo," Arthur tried to joke, but he didn't smile himself. "I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have told you. Not today."

"Come on," Merlin said and took his suitcases out from under his feet. "No more apologies." He heard him follow and didn't look back, until he stopped next to his own car and put the suitcases inside.

"We'll just leave Barbie's Malibu car here."

Arthur stopped behind him and glanced into the car,

"Why, er, are your suitcases packed?"

Merlin slammed the door,

"Because we're going on holiday."

Arthur's confusion was now complete,

"We are? Where? What about the wedding?"

Merlin turned to look at him, "Sod the wedding. They still have Gwen's big splash. Come."

"Wait," Arthur said slowly. "What do you mean?"

Merlin sighed deeply. Then he leaned in and kissed him. A light touch, brushing his lips against his mouth before he nibbled at Arthur's lower lip and let his hand glide around his neck. He pulled him closer and opened his mouth with his tongue; teasing, questioning, inviting. In the middle of the dreamlike kiss Arthur woke up. His hands grabbed Merlin's shoulders and pushed him against the car, answering the kiss hungrily. When they drew apart, Arthur's eyes were dark, and Merlin felt how the strain evaporated from his body. He leaned in and kissed him again; a quick, affectionate kiss. Then he pulled back and smiled at Arthur's frustrated growl.

"We have to get away, first." he said. "I don't want to be here when your mother wakes up."

Arthur nodded but kept staring at his lips,

"Not London. I have a place in Scotland we can hide out in..."

Merlin smiled dreamily, and their lips met again without planning to. Arthur wrapped his arms around him, mumbling into his mouth, and kissed him again and again when Merlin tried to speak,

"I thought ... somewhere ... slightly ... warmer." Merlin closed his eyes, trying to think. "We'll just need to pick up your passport."

"Okay," Arthur whispered and kissed him. "How warm?" he asked and kissed him again.

"Tropical heat," Merlin whispered and felt one of Arthur's hands roam down his back and further down. He moaned into his mouth, "Swimming, beaches, sun?"

"Naked," Arthur said. "Oh yes." He kissed him harder this time, fueled by a sudden fantasy, and Merlin finally had to push him away before they ended up having sex in front of a sleepy Cornish train station. Instead he took his hand,

"Want to go on a honeymoon?" He looked Arthur in the eye and saw the longing give way to understanding,

"I do."

They stumbled out of the airport, yawning and stretching. It took a little over eleven hours to fly to Bangkok; Freya's dream vacation trip because she _really_ liked elephants. Merlin couldn't help feeling bad about that and about everything else. He had had plenty of time to think because Arthur had slept most of the time on the plane. Merlin had texted Freya before they boarded:

_I'm sorry._

Then he texted his mother:

_The wedding is off. Myrtle Evans._

He texted Ygraine:

_Eloped with Arthur. Need 14 days off,_

and to Gwaine he wrote:

_U won. I'm Gay._

Then he shut his phone off and did the same to Arthur's, but smiled when he accidentally saw Arthur's text to Gwen:

_U R right. I love Merlin._

They arrived at the hotel in the very early morning hours and learned they were booked into the bridal suite. Arthur was busy flirting with the bellhops so Merlin told the receptionist, a beautiful girl or perhaps boy, that the wedding was cancelled,

"I couldn't get a re-fund so I'm just here with a...friend."

"Oh," she giggled. "Don't worry. We have many gay married couples staying here. We support gay marriage."

"But we're not m - " Merlin said.

"We only hire gay-friendly staff for the same reason. Many of us are gay ourselves."

 _Wink_. Okay, she's a boy.

"But - "

"We have a complimentary gay marriage basket with champagne, his and his-bathrobes, silk shorts, ties and luxury items. And the bellhop already took care of your luggage together with your husband."

He gave up.

"It's very nice of you," he blushed and went to find Arthur.

He found him in the bridal-suite, rummaging through their suitcases,

"Hey, we don't have any swimming trunks..." He looked up at Merlin with a smile. "But plenty of condoms and lube. Now how did that get in there?"

Merlin sat on the bed,

"I think I just ran into a gay, male version of your mother." He looked around the room. Arthur had settled in with alarming routine.

"My mother _is_ a gay male," Arthur said. "She's just too lazy to get the sex change." He sat down and looked at him, "I know what you think."

Merlin smiled,

"Reading my mind again?"

Arthur nodded,

"How many times has he done this before? And with how many people?"

Merlin looked down,

"Well, yes. That _did_ cross my mind."

Arthur moved closer and took his hand,

"This will be different."

"How?" Merlin said and held his breath when Arthur leaned in. "Haven't we seen all there is to see, by now?"

"Seen yes," Arthur whispered against his cheek. "Felt, no." He placed his mouth on the side of his neck, and Merlin closed his eyes.

"Damn you, Arthur," he whispered. "You don't have to seduce me."

"I know," he said against his skin. "But I want to...enjoy you. The taste of you." He kissed his neck, and Merlin felt a warm sensation when Arthur's tongue caressed him. "The feel of you," he whispered and moved up, gently cupping his neck with his hand. "The sensation of you against my skin."

Merlin turned his head to the side and let Arthur kiss his temple.

"Are you going to narrate all the way while we have sex?" he asked.

"We're not going to have sex," Arthur said and looked remarkable clever. "We're going to make love. That's a huge difference."

Merlin stared at the bed. It was the same size as Arthur's bed in Camelot. He suddenly felt nervous, and Arthur pulled back a little,

"But...we could buy some swimming costumes first and get something to eat. I hate airplane food so I'm famished. That way we could - "

"Postpone the inevitable?" Merlin interrupted his babbling, and Arthur actually blushed,

"We have fourteen whole days. We don't have to jump into bed the second our feet touch the ground."

Merlin looked at him,

"Who are you, again?"

Arthur laughed and pulled him in,

"I just want this to be...natural. Something we can't resist. I don't want to cock this up." He grinned. "Pardon the pun."

Merlin looked into his eyes and smiled,

"You're nervous..."

"I'm not," Arthur said. "I'll take you right now if you want me to?"

Merlin leaned closer and just before their mouths met, he whispered,

"You're nervous."

They bought trunks and towels at the hotel after breakfast in the luxurious dining room. The receptionist, who took one look at Arthur and started flirting, decided they needed directions to a private beach away from the crowd.

"We only give this key to special guests," he smiled and held it forward for Arthur to take, something that included Arthur holding his hand and squeezing it a lot. Merlin sighed.

"And there are no rules. Clothing is entirely optional." The receptionist stared at Arthur's tight t-shirt that revealed every muscle.

"Good," Arthur sighed and moved his pecs. "Clothes are so restrictive. I like to feel the warm air caress every inch of my body." He looked him over quite shamelessly.

 _And he is back,_ Merlin thought.

"Okay, thanks," he said out loud. "Let's go, Casanova." He took hold of Arthur's arm and pulled him along.

"Well, she was eatable," Arthur said. "Okay, Merl? You're holding my arm a little roughly? Not that I'm complaining."

"I'm sure he's a man," Merlin said and looked back at the beaming receptionist. "Now let's go."

Arthur''s head snapped back to ogle the front desk,

"Really? I'll go back and find out, shall I? Give me twenty minutes to make sure."

"Come here, you," Merlin yanked him the other way and Arthur grinned,

"Jealous are we? Good," he wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him into a long kiss. He then looked at Merlin's thoroughly kissed, swollen mouth and hitched his breath, "Let's...find that beach."


	21. The Dumbest Thing You Ever Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You just knew their lovemaking would be awkward too, didn't you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to make this chapter more graphic than the story has been so far.  
> A lot more. Gay porn graphic. Read at your own peril.

The private beach lay around the corner, protected by a tall fence. Merlin and Arthur then walked for a long time in the warm sand, looking out over the water, searching for the right place to stay.

"Oh brill," Merlin then said. "Shade." He threw his beach towel under a huge tree, and Arthur said,

"I thought the point of staying in a sunny climate was to get a tan?"

" _You_ get a tan," Merlin said and pulled off his white t-shirt. "I just peel." He threw the t-shirt down and turned when Arthur didn't answer. His mouth was on his instantly, and his hands caressed him; one slid up his back and fingers brushed over a nipple creating a shiver in Merlin. Arthur let go of his mouth long enough to kiss his neck and then moved up to his face again, clearly determined to ravish all of him at once.

"The sight of pale skin always makes you this hot?" Merlin gasped when Arthur's thumb once more brushed over his nipple.

" _Your_ pale skin," Arthur growled. "Is all I need..." He let his hand slide down his back to rest on the curve. "I absolutely hate those jeans," he said. "They ruthlessly cover far too much."

"They're murder to wear in this heat," Merlin said and eyed him innocently. "I'm all sweaty and they cling to me. Don't know if I'll be able to get them off?"

Arthur swallowed,

"Allow me." He opened the buttons and then yanked the jeans down, freeing Merlin's considerate arousal.

"Oh yes," he said, going to his knees to peel the fabric further off his legs. "I see why they were reluctant." He removed his shoes and socks along with the jeans and then paused for a second, looking up at him kneeling between his legs. He then stood up and quickly removed his own t-shirt before dropping his trouser to reveal he was naked and hard.

It wasn't exactly the first time Merlin saw Arthur naked. Or the second time or even the third, but knowing he was eager for him alone was...different. Arthur took hold of Merlin's briefs and peeled them down, freeing his hard cock with a sudden movement. He let them pool around his ankles and said,

"According to my watch we haven't kissed in over five minutes."

"Shocking," Merlin said. "What are we going to do about it?"

Arthur drew him closer and they kissed.

"God," he whispered into his mouth. "Finally." He pushed him down on the towel and removed the briefs entirely.

"Just so I know," he said with pretend ease. "Anything you didn't do with Gwaine or Elyan and all your other lovers, you unrepentant slut?"

"Hm," Merlin said and narrowed his eyes. "I've been banging so many men lately I simply can't remember."

Arthur grinned and looked down at his mischievous face,

"Just tell me."

"Why? Does it matter?" He smiled up at him and bucked his hips, making Arthur gasp as they met in sweet friction,

"Absolutely not."

"Would you want me less?" he teased, bucking again and Arthur said,

"Are you kidding me? I couldn't care less." He thrust back and made Merlin moan out,

"Then no. I've done it all. Anal, oral...orgies!"

Arthur took a deep breath and tried not to look disappointed,

"Right. Okay, so you have experience?"

Merlin continued,

"I'll say. I learned so much since I entered PEN. From all of you."

Arthur caressed his arm with his thumb,

"Good. I wouldn't want it any other way."

"From you I learned to lie through my bloody teeth!"

Arthur frowned,

"What?"

Merlin smiled,

"Elyan and I were flirting and sending each other cock texts, and Gwaine is a bottom." He reached up and ran a finger across the little stubble on his chin.

"He is?" Arthur narrowed his eyes. "Thought he was a top? Wait, so you never?" He tilted his head and Merlin battered his lashes,

"No, I'm a virgin. Be gentle with me." He smiled when he saw Arthur blush and then felt his teeth bite his finger softly,

"Shut up. You had me so fooled."

Merlin reached up and ran his fingers through his hair,

"You deserve it."

"Yes, I do." Arthur bent down and kissed him. Then he found his trousers in the sand and fished out a condom and a plastic bottle.

"What's that?" Merlin said.

"Oil spray," Arthur said. "Trust me. You'll need it." He sat up between Merlin's open legs and rolled on the condom. Their eyes met and Arthur sprayed oil in his hand and started coating himself. Merlin went quiet when the sight of his hand moving up and down...distracted him. Arthur moved forward on his knees, grinning,

"Bloody sand everywhere. Why didn't we stay in the room?"

Merlin lay back on the towel and smiled,

"I frightened you, remember?" He looked at him spraying his hand again, more this time, so he had a pool of oil in his left palm.

"I'm not afraid now," Arthur said. "Neither are you, apparently." He reached out and let his fingers close around Merlin's hard cock, making him moan. Arthur moved his hand and Merlin closed his eyes. Then Arthur dipped one finger in the oil again and reached down, still looking at Merlin,

"Open your eyes," he said softly and Merlin did; his chest rising and falling. "I'll just prepare you." He touched his puckered up opening, and Merlin clenched up.

"It's okay," Arthur purred. "Relax." He let the oily finger circle the tender spot, and Merlin jerked and let out a sound.

"You're so sensitive," Arthur mumbled with a dark voice. "I'll, er...try to enter a very little bit. Okay?"

Merlin nodded and Arthur stuck the tip of his finger inside, feeling the incredible heat, and heard Merlin curse out,

"Oh bloody h...It burns!"

"It'll feel good in a minute." Arthur forced himself to breathe and waited until Merlin stopped clenching around his finger tip before he inserted a full inch, making him cry out,

"Oh my god!"

Their eyes met.

"You want me to pull out?" Arthur said, but Merlin frowned,

"Are you kidding me, no! Go on!"

Arthur smiled cheekily, "Well, Mr. Emrys!" and Merlin couldn't help blush. Arthur slowly inserted the whole finger, and Merlin clenched his teeth again,

"Holy shit! That bloody burns!"

"Ring of fire," Arthur mumbled and Merlin tittered,

"Shut up. Don't make me laugh." Their eyes locked once more, and Arthur's smile disappeared,

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You never could," Merlin said through clenched teeth. "Come on then. Do your worst, you bugger."

Arthur said,

"Famous last words," and moved the finger around, making room, and Merlin moaned,

"God, yes! Use another. It's...good!"

Arthur pulled out and coated two fingers in a lot more oil. He inserted them slowly, watching as Merlin tensed up, but it was a different pain; one he was beginning to enjoy. Arthur swallowed and the second he was all inside, he moved both fingers, making Merlin buck against his hand, crying out,

"Oh god, yes!"

He moved the fingers back and forth, and Merlin arched his back up, fingers clawing the towel. His eyes closed shut and he panted out,

"Arthurgoddamnyou..." when his fingers slid slowly into him.

"Too much?" Arthur said and Merlin just laughed, eyes still closed, shaking his head on the towel.

"Want me to use a third?"

Merlin shivered visibly,

"Yes, do, please do..." He moaned when Arthur removed his fingers and moaned again when they reentered; this time three, moving slowly into him. Arthur was panting as he moved the fingers, more roughly now he was used to it, and Merlin thrashed around, crying,

"Shit...Yes! Shit!"

Then Arthur pulled them out, quickly, too quickly perhaps, but he couldn't take any more.

"Why'd you do that?" Merlin hissed disappointed. "I was just - "

"Just couldn't..." Arthur mumbled. He separated his legs a little more, and Merlin's sulk turned to eagerness. They melted together in a kiss, and Merlin groaned when he felt him pulsate against him.

"Arthur," he said. "Please?"

"Yes, I know, but..." He looked down at him. "You sure you want this?"

Merlin reached up and touched his cheek,

"I love you, but that might be the dumbest thing you ever said."

Arthur just stared at him,

"You love me?"

Merlin's eyes widened,

"I didn't say that..."

"Yes, you did," Arthur's soft smile wasn't the least smug, for once, but still...

"Shut up and get on with it," Merlin demanded and pulled him down for a kiss. His arms locked around his back as he bucked up against him, and Arthur roared and let go of his mouth. He reached down and moved in, again so slowly Merlin first hissed, but then he let out a gasp,

"Oh my god!"

"Merlin?" Arthur said worried.

"God," Merlin whispered and swallowed. "It kinda hurts. A lot." He let out his breath noisily.

"I know." Arthur kissed his mouth and cheeks and chin soothingly. "I know. It goes away very soon."

"Holy shit," Merlin panted and met his eyes. " _This_ is what Gwaine likes?"

"Oh good," Arthur said and tried to hold still inside of him, "I was afraid our first time would be traumatic."

Merlin laughed and relaxed enough for Arthur to slide in without even trying to, and Merlin yelled out,

"Shiiit!" digging his nails into his back.

"Want me to pull out?" Arthur asked concerned and Merlin panted,

"Don'tyoudaremove...Oh god, it's _good_."

"Good?" Arthur said brightly and Merlin gasped,

"Oh my god, the…move a little, I want to...God..."

"Move?" Arthur suggested and thrust forward into the tight hotness, and Merlin moaned a lot louder.

"It was wise we didn't do this at the hotel," Arthur said with a smirk. "You have quite a loud voice."

"Shut up and move..." Merlin gasped out and then moaned when Arthur picked up speed. He looked down at his face where the pain had been replaced by rapture. Arthur kissed him and felt his nails dig into his back again when he responded. He lowered his mouth and coaxed out a whimper when his tongue licked a nipple, and then he reached down and closed his hand around Merlin's cock. Merlin jerked in a spasm and cried out,

"Arthur! I..."

Arthur moved his slicked up hand, and Merlin cried out again, muffled, against his shoulder. Arthur felt the piercing sun conquer the cool shade from above and burn on his back. He placed his other hand under Merlin's thigh, raising it a little, and Arthur went deeper in as he thrust repeatedly, matching the rhythm with his hand,

"Arthur, I can't...It's too m...I..." Merlin gasped and suddenly shuddered against him. Arthur felt his convulsions when he came over his hand and let go off his cock. He moved again and yelled out when the third thrust brought him over the edge too.

There was a brief moment when all they heard was the ocean. Arthur was too tired to move, but was afraid of crushing Merlin with his weight. He attempted to get up, but Merlin whispered against his sweaty shoulder,

"Don't move..."

Then he collapsed on him, face against his neck, feeling Merlin's chest rise and fall under him.

A little later his hand found Merlin's hand and their fingers interlaced.

Later again he said,

"If we don't move soon, the tide will drown us."

Merlin just mumbled against his skin,

"I'll never move again. Let it kill us. It doesn't get any better."

Arthur raised his head a little,

"A glass of wine in a nice warm tub can't tempt you?"

Merlin kept his eyes closed,

"No."

"A delicious meal in our room? I'll feed you myself?"

Merlin groaned his objection with a growing smile.

"A broad bed with cool sheets?"

He opened his eyes and looked at Arthur. Both of them smiled the same silly smile,

"You just said the magic words." He reached up and pulled him down for yet another kiss. 


	22. Taste-orgasm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eternal bliss with Merlin and Artur walking on the beach into the sunset, holding hands?  
> Not exactly...

It was early morning, and Merlin looked around the room with tiny eyes. Warmth was already seeping in through the open windows, but the air-conditioning kept it cool. They probably ought to close those windows...He yawned and looked up at the opposite wall at the image of an Asian god wrestling what looked like an enormous flesh coloured sea-snake and narrowed his eyes. He very much hoped it was a sea-snake... He hadn't noticed that last night.

Arthur had, after what felt like hours, almost carried him back to the room and dropped him, sand and all on the bed. Then there was a sexy interval where they decided to christen the bathroom that was luxurious with amble room for two under the shower. After that they realised that one of the promised baskets from the hotel stood in a small refrigerator and contained champagne, chocolate, strawberries and for some reason four cans of whipped cream. His stomach still felt a little wobbly just thinking about dessert...

He turned his head and looked into Arthur's face. He had tiny slits of blue eyes open, watching him,

"Finally. You're awake."

"Why? Do you want me?" Merlin said with a slightly hoarse voice. Apparently he had strained it the day before.

"Oh yes, Babe. I think I could find a use for you, somewhere..."

Strong arms came out of nowhere and locked around him, dragging him closer into a kiss. Merlin just went pliant and exhaled into the kiss. A few days ago he would have been awkward and tense just imagining kissing Arthur. Now his whole body seemed to melt into place, as though resting against Arthur was the only place he was supposed to be. Still there were too many covers between them, something Arthur discovered when his hands found layers of cloth. He started pulling the sheets from the bed, and Merlin clung to them.

"Blushing maiden," Arthur laughed, "I want too see you."

"Haven't you seen enough?" Merlin said and struggled to preserve his modesty. Arthur leaned in,

"You're gorgeous when you are blushing. All that see-through skin showing the blood pumping through your veins."

Merlin narrowed his eyes,

"You didn't just say that."

"Porcelain skin," Arthur continued and touched his lips to his shoulder. "You would think it would be cold to touch like a pristine doll but no...it's so warm." He nipped Merlin's skin with his teeth and let out something that might have been a growl. "So soft."

"I'm not a doll, you idiot," Merlin grinned.

"I _know_ you're not. I have amble proof of that." He smiled lazily, sneaking a peek under the covers. Merlin stopped pretending to defend his virtue and threw the sheets aside. He looked up at Arthur,

"Go on then, Pendragon. Ravage me if you have to."

Arthur moved over him and said just two words,

"Have to."

"How do we get breakfast here?" Merlin mumbled an hour later into his neck. "I'm famished."

Arthur leaned over him and grabbed the phone from his nightstand,

"Let me call reception. What do you want?"

"Something fattening and greasy," Merlin said with his eyes closed, wrapping an arm over his chest. "As long as it isn't whipped cream."

Arthur ran his free hand through Merlin's thick, black hair,

"I'll refrain from the obligatory innuendo ... Hello? Yes, I'm calling from the ... yes," he gave Merlin a surprised look, "the honeymoon suite. Thank you, that's very sweet of you." Merlin groaned and hid is face against Arthur's chest,

"And it continues."

"Yes, we _are_ enjoying our stay here. My husband seems especially relaxed. Ouch." He prevented Merlin from biting his chest while he listened and then laughed into the phone; a low dark sexy laugh that made Merlin look up,

"What?"

"Breakfast _would_ get his strength up. Why don't you surprise us? We eat everything."

The receptionist said something that made Arthur laugh again,

"Food that is. I'm a married man, remember?" He put down the phone and Merlin said,

"Everything? Hope they don't serve fried squid in apricot sauce."

"If they do," Arthur said and lowered his face, "I'll just smother it all over your body and lick it off, my darling spouse." He moved down to show him exactly what he meant and Merlin let out a muffled laugh.

They were ravenous hungry again at lunch time and decided to try the hotel's outdoor restaurant. Merlin smiled up at the handsome blond waiter,

"What is the local specialty?"

"Me?" the waiter smiled. "Oh, you mean to eat. Well, let me think...Me?" He smiled relieved when Merlin laughed at him.

"Ups, could be fired for sexual harassing the guests. Please don't tell my boss." He smiled at Arthur, who didn't smile back, and then he looked at Merlin again.

"Don't worry," Merlin tilted his head. "Do that often, do you? Harassing people?"

"Only when it's worth it." He winked and Merlin laughed again. He glanced over at Arthur and realised that he wasn't enjoying the conversation. At the other table a group of sporty young men wearing very little clothes sat down. He heard them discuss diving, and one of them smiled widely when he looked over. Merlin smiled back.

"I would recommend the steamed sea bass if you like spicy food?" the waiter said. "It's a fabulous dish. Coriander, fresh grated ginger, garlic..."

"Sounds delicious," Merlin said. "Tickles all your senses, huh?"

"And then some. If you feel adventurous, I would recommend that you let chef fry it with chili. Creates a taste-orgasm in your mouth." He looked interested at Merlin's mouth, and Merlin heard Arthur's enraged intake of breath.

"There you go again, harassing me," Merlin smiled and the waiter grinned,

"Not victim blaming, but with those gorgeous blue eyes of yours...who cn blame me?"

Arthur looked like he was about to vomit on the waiter, but Merlin ignored him,

"We'll have whatever you decide. If you can't treat your mouth to an orgasm while on holiday, when can you?"

After a lot more inappropriate remarks back and forth, the waiter left, and Merlin poured himself a glass of rosé. Then he looked over at Arthur's frowning face,

"What's the matter?"

"Noth _ing_ ," Arthur said stiffly and tried to relax his fists on the white tablecloth.

"I'm just making conversation with the staff."

" _Yes._ "

Merlin waited for the rest of the answer that didn't come. Instead Arthur resembled his old Sunday teacher when she sourly lectured about mortal sin.

"Are you mad at me?" he said.

"Should I be?" Arthur asked curtly. Merlin rolled his eyes and made the lads at the other table laugh. Arthur stared at them suspiciously,

"Do you know them?"

"From where? We haven't been apart since we came?"

The lads offered various suggestions to how they could get to know each other but went quiet when Arthur half-rose and stared at their table. Merlin pulled him down to sit,

"You know, you practically made love to the receptionist and bellhop yesterday. Aren't you being a bit of a prick right now, acting all jealous?"

Arthur shrugged and took his wine glass,

"I was just being friendly?"

"And so am I. What's the difference?"

"If you were being any more friendly, you would be volunteering to hold his cock for him," Arthur snarled, and the group of eagerly listening men whooped. Merlin blushed and then said in a low tone of voice,

"I'm not the one shagging anything with a pulse, so drop it."

Arthur snorted but whatever he was going to say was held back when the waiter returned with a tray of finger food,

"Your lunch is almost ready. This is for the honeymooners compliments of the chef."

Arthur closed his eyes as the young men wolf-whistled. One of them yelled,

"Congratulations!"

Another from the group declared,

"Free drinks for the newly weds!" and a third joined in with,

"Champagne lunch on us! Total boozer!"

The waiters obligingly fetched champagne bottles, and the divers toasted them with elaborate and very frank jokes. Merlin could do nothing but laugh, but he avoided looking at Arthur during the rest of the luncheon.

A couple of hours then followed in frosty silence. The divers had left them alone after lunch, but that had not improved Arthur's mood. Late afternoon Merlin became tired of watching him pout into a book and decided to go to the local market. He didn't say where he was going because Arthur had stopped talking to him, but he soon noticed he was trailing him. In the beginning he kept his distance, but when Merlin was surrounded by a group of handsome men dressed in very small shorts who insisted he buy their merchandise, Arthur moved in. He threatened the worst of them with cutting off something precious and stared down the rest, still without actually talking to Merlin.

Merlin sighed and strolled through the market and ended up at the food-stalls. He tasted samples from the friendly vendors, and in the end Arthur couldn't keep up the silent treatment any longer,

"Don't eat that! You'll lose the use of your taste buds in a week."

Merlin turned and looked at him with a sly grin,

"You mean it's a taste-orgasm in my mouth?"

Arthur scoffed,

"More like an atom bomb," but when their eyes met he noticed his mouth rose into a smile.

"Fancy going for a swim when you're finished?" he asked in a low voice and bumped his shoulder.

"Yes," Merlin said and put a berry in his mouth. "I'd love a dip."

"Now if we could only find a place without divers. I heard they use the private beach too," Arthur placed his hand on his lower back and led him away from the food-stalls.

"Aw," Merlin said and let his left arm wrap around his waist. "I thought they were nice."

"They were horny as fuck," Arthur mumbled. "Bloody pack of..." he drew his breath in and then stopped, clutching Merlin's hand.

"What's the matter?"

"Fuck," Arthur hissed under his breath. "Let's go another way." He turned to the left, and Merlin saw the divers stand at a clothes stall holding up tiny swimming trunks and what looked to be mankinis.

"But the hotel is that way!" Merlin laughed, trying to go the other way.

"And the ocean's down here," Arthur pulled him by the hand, and the narrow alleys thinned out into paths leading in between shrubs and trees.

"We don't have any swimwear," Merlin gasped and let out a yelp when he collided with a hard body in the semidarkness. Arthur cradled his head in his hands and gave him the softest of kisses. Merlin's breathing intensified, and Arthur then gave him a proper kiss that left him gasping for breath.

"We won't need it," Arthur then said and took his hand again.

"I'm not doing it on sand again. We don't even have a towel." Merlin noticed Arthur wasn't focusing on the argument but seemed to be distracted just looking at him,

"You know with the sun going down behind you, you look a little like a faun."

Merlin frowned,

"A faun?"

Arthur ran his gaze over his body,

"Yes, I'm sure that dark mop of hair hides a horn or two." He stepped closer. Merlin stemmed both hands against his chest and said,

"I said no. I thought we came here to swim." The sentence would have worked better if Arthur hadn't kissed his neck, and his words evaporated into a sigh.

"We are," Arthur whispered and his fingers caressed his chest. "That too..." he let his hand slide further down, and Merlin moved back, repeating teasingly,

"I said no." He wadded out into the water and then swam, leaving Arthur yelling after him on the beach. When he was far enough out, he floated on his back, but the unusual silence made him look towards land. The beach was empty. Suddenly Arthur catapulted up through the water next to him and drew him into a kiss. Merlin wrapped his arms around his neck, clinging to him, laughing. When Arthur finally let go of his mouth he said,

"It's getting darker now..." He looked at Merlin whose skin had acquired a faint tan and a lot of freckles. His dark hair was slicked back and his eyes ... Arthur kissed him again, first his mouth, then his chin, then under his chin.

"Yes," Merlin moaned.

"Yes what?" Arthur said.

"Yes, it's getting dark." Merlin's eyes twinkled in the setting sun and made Arthur contemplate how many gay man were roaming through Thailand, just looking for someone like him. The thought could only be thwarted out by another deep kiss, and then Arthur kissed his way down again, nibbling his long slender neck.

"No sand here," he said against the moist skin.

"No," Merlin answered dreamily. "Usually not in the ocean."

"And it's too dark for anyone to see what we're doing."

"Almost," Merlin whispered in his ear and moved against him.

"Let's risk it," Arthur whispered back and reached down, making Merlin moan against his shoulder.

An hour later they had dried off and changed into clean clothes. Arthur had planned a late dinner so they hopefully were alone in the restaurant, but unfortunately the horny divers still sat in the bar, cheering them on as they went past.

A new waiter took their order. He was a little less suggestive than the first but blushed whenever he met their eyes. Merlin smiled at him, encouraging him to chat, and Arthur realised they might have to have all their meals in their room for the remainder of the vacation. One of the divers yelled out,

"Oi, pretty boys. We're going out. Wanna join us later?"

"Why not?" Merlin said eagerly, but Arthur put his hand on his arm and said,

"Thank you, but not tonight. We're a little tired."

"I wonder why..." another guy said piously, and everyone giggled drunkenly.

"We were out swimming just now," Merlin added helpfully, ignoring Arthur's objection, and a third diver said,

"Okay. We can call it that..." He winked at his friends and Arthur said,

"What the h - "

"Arthur!" Merlin scolded.

"I was out swimming too, an hour ago," the first diver said. "You didn't see me. You were too busy _swimming._ "

This time Arthur stood up and stared at him, and the lads let out half-choked sobs,

"Oh, you're in for it now!" and "his husband's gonna pound you, Eddie. Run, run!"

The first diver went pale,

"Oi, no violence mate. It was beautiful. Er, nice upper arm strength on you, and great arse on your husband. Wish I had a underwater camera." His snickering friends noticed Arthur's face and wisely dragged him out, and Merlin managed to distract Arthur with a kiss.

Merlin woke the next morning by a knock on the door. Arthur slept on so he opened it quietly, and a yawning bellhop handed him a giant pink heart shaped box. He sighed, thinking: _we're not married!_ but unwrapped it in bed and found an old fashioned tape-recorder nestled in a sea of pink silk. A card attached read: _Play me_. He pressed play and heard Ygraine's voice:

"You heartless bastards! Arthur, how could you leave without a word? How could you do this to me? And Merlin! I expect this from my bloody son, but you... To keep your phone switched off so I think you lie dead in a ditch somewhere! You know I never got over the ending of Brokeback! And after Arthur almost _died_ in the car crash! And the police was no help at all! After I explained everything to them, they couldn't stop laughing! Oh, you stupid sex mad -

No Uther, not now, I'm doing something. What? Yes, I'll tell him...No, I won't tell him that. No. No! No! Darlings, no! Shush, don't bark at Mummy, bark at Daddy instead. No, Darling, I haven't started recording the message. Just venting. Oh, I don't know, probably shagging their brains out in Thailand like a pair of horny rabbits. No, I don't think that's funny, Darling ... what? I'm _always_ polite! Just listen will you! Darling please, how do I record?

Oh, okay. (Clears throat)

Arthur, Merlin. Hello darlings. I do hope you're enjoying your sudden vacation. Thailand is beautiful. We were there last year with Aunt Vivienne and Uncle Gorlois. It was a bit scandalous with Gorlois and all those pretty young men, but - "

"Love, you're drifting again."

"Keep quiet Uther. Er, please turn on your phones. People worry. Not me, I support you, of course I do, what could be better than a quiet gay love affair in Thailand, but Arthur, your father is a _little_ disappointed that you haven't contacted him. No Uther, don't - "

"I don't think it's recording, Love."

"Yes it is, Darling. No, don't put your greasy hands on it."

"You usually love my greasy hands on you."

"No, I don't. And it's not Friday night. There will be no hanky-panky until ... No, hands off ... Uther no!"

"No, you have to press the - "

_Click._

Merlin looked down at Arthur who slowly opened his eyes,

"Was that my Mum?"


	23. Yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Returning home.  
> This chapter also turned out very, very graphic. Let's not mince words. It's very much gay porn.  
> Not just holding hands skipping over meadows. They are holding, er, other things.  
> Yeah, I'll stop now...

Merlin lay staring up in the ceiling and then finally said,

"Perhaps we should have written a note before we left?"

Arthur mumbled,

"Perhaps..." He was busy wrapping the pink silk ribbons from the heart shaped box around Merlin's wrists.

"She did sound a bit miffed," Merlin said softly.

"It's her defense mechanism," Arthur said and tied the last ribbon to the headboard. He pressed a warm kiss on his lips and continued.

"She's thinks ahead. If she forgives me too soon, what will then become of all that wonderful guilt she was planning to heap over me in years to come?"

Merlin looked up at him with his arms tied to the sides,

" _Shag like bunnies?_ "

Arthur chuckled,

"She always did have a fertile mind." He moved down his body. "Better do as Mummy expects," he smiled cheekily and ran a hand down his naked stomach.

Merlin said,

"No."

"What you mean no?" Arthur moved closer.

"No, I can't have sex while your mother imagines what we're doing..." He looked very determined, and Arthur raised an eyebrow,

"Then we might have a problem."

Merlin lay down on the pillow and braided his legs chastely,

"Yes, we do..." He would have crossed his arms but was unable to for obvious reasons. A long pregnant pause followed and then Arthur's voice sounded out, not at all secure,

"Okay, I'll just untie you, then." His hands were already at his left wrist, ready to release him, when he looked down at him. "Wait, this is a joke, right?"

Merlin didn't answer but just looked back sternly.

"Please tell me it's a joke, Babe?" He lowered his voice, holding his breath, and looked down at his serious face. It wasn't until Arthur sighed and started to untie one of the silk ribbons that Merlin cracked a grin and managed to catch a look of absolute relief before Arthur threw himself over him, snarling,

"I'll get you for this!"

Merlin turned on his phone the last day of their vacation and stared at it,

"I have about 1200 messages. That's a little unusual. How many do you think are from Morgana?"

Arthur seemed to consider it,

"Including death threats? Oh, about a thousand. Morgana doesn't take rejection well."

"But..." Merlin turned to stare at him. "She did break up with you? I was there?"

Arthur sighed, "That's a minor insignificant detail called logic. Something Morgana is allergic to." He reached over and took the phone and turned it off.

"Hey?" Merlin said but he answered,

"Please don't let her spoil our last day." He took his own phone and wrote a text. Merlin leaned in and read: _Shag like bunnies? Well, Coo coo ca choo Mrs Pendragon!_

They unlocked the door to their apartment. _Their._ Merlin paused and thought about it. It felt so odd to be back after all the no clothes-frolicking they had enjoyed in Thailand. He looked at Arthur who looked away as if he had been caught snooping. The feeling made butterflies flutter a little in his stomach. Was he regretting it already?

"God, I'm so bloody tired," Arthur moaned. "I need a hot mug of coffee, a fag and then spend the next hour rough-shagging you into the mattress."

Okay, not so indifferent after all...

Merlin didn't answer but went into the bedroom and eyed the bed hesitatingly. It was clear that Freya had removed all her things. Arthur dragged their suitcases in after him.

"We should go shopping," he said. "I just checked the fridge. We have exactly one brick of cheese that can walk by itself and half a Tupperware container with a bluish shade of algae."

"I need a shower first," Merlin moaned and pulled off his t-shirt. "I feel sticky and warm all over." He looked up to see Arthur grin. "Shut up." He flicked his t-shirt at him, but Arthur grabbed it and pulled him across the bed. They wrestled halfheartedly, too tired to care, and Merlin ended up on top, holding him down,

"We reek of airplane."

"Mm," Arthur said. "Sexy. Let's bottle it. We'll call it _eau de airplane_."

"Eau de skunk more like it," Merlin said and wrinkled his nose. Arthur reached up and pulled him down, sniffing him deeply while groaning.

"You're such a perv," Merlin moaned against him. "Salivating when you smell sweat."

Arthur wriggled under him, not really trying to get free,

"I like your natural smell. That makes me a perv?"

Merlin bent down, still holding his wrists against the mattress. He could see how his light-blue eyes became darker the longer he stared into them.

"I'm. Taking. A. Bath," he said again and let go, moving off the bed without looking back. He dropped his trousers on the floor before he went, but even Arthur's enraptured appreciation of his naked behind didn't make him look back.

He only managed to turn on the tap before he felt his naked body wrap around him from behind.

"Sooo much better than the last time we shared this place," he said and kissed his neck as the warm water fell on them. Merlin pressed back into him with a growing smile.

"What's the matter?" Arthur mumbled. "Have something you want me to wash for you?"

Merlin moved against him some more, and Arthur lost it, grabbing him,

"How do you want it? Hard or soft?"

Merlin put his head back, exposing his neck to Arthur's hand and mouth.

"Soft," he sighed. Arthur complied. Knowing he was lubed up from the last time they melted together – Arthur had convinced him to join the high mile club before they landed. Luckily the flight crew had been remarkable tolerant – Arthur now simply took him in one stab, both of them moaning out, leaning back. Then Arthur thrust forward softly, again and again, and Merlin felt the tile wall against his front, taken as a fumbling teenager in a public loo. Arthur soon came like a geyser inside him with Merlin still painfully hard and unfulfilled. Afterwards he panted against his neck,

"Sorry. It's just...god, I imagined it so many times. I got too excited."

Merlin whispered,

"It's okay..." but then felt Arthur's large hand close around his cock. He felt him pull out and whimpered from the feeling of emptiness, but then felt fingers enter him slowly, one, then two, then three; the last making him gasp.

"Lean against the wall," he heard him say, slightly muffled by the sound of water still falling on their bodies. "And arch your back."

Merlin answered him with a soft sound when he felt his fingers move forward.

"You said soft," he heard Arthur say and then his hands seemed to take on an agonizingly slow life of their own. He pushed his fingers forward while letting his other wet hand squeeze around Merlin's cock. It was slow and too much. Merlin dropped against the cool wall, gasping out as the multiple onslaught brought him over the threshold and seized his body in one insane shudder after another. He yelled, he know he did, but wasn't even ashamed when he heard a rough male voice yell back through the open bathroom window,

"Hey! Keep it down, mates! Trying to eat, here!"

He heard Arthur laugh but felt him keep moving his fingers back and forth. Then something impossible happened as he came again, deep inside, feeling a deep shattering sense of coming undone. He fell to his knees on the tile floor and just lay there, slumped over. Done. He felt Arthur pick him up, carry him to bed and dry him off, and still Merlin was too gone to speak a single word. Arthur then slid in behind him, wrapping himself around him to warm him.

"God, when you come, you come," he whispered into his ear, and Merlin purred from having him so close. He only answered with one sated word,

"Yes."

Hours later, around noon, they went shopping for food, for the first time walking hand in hand. Five minutes after rummaging through the vegetable stands, they ran into Lance who smiled surprised and hugged them both.

"I thought you would be on you honeymoon?" Arthur said, and Merlin saw Lance answer with worship in is eyes,

"Oh, no. Gwen didn't want to leave Freya...." he stopped talking, accidentally turned over a basket of cherries that fell to the ground and then said,

"Er..." He looked behind him and froze when he saw Gwen standing there looking a little like an avenging angel in her _broderie anglaise_ frock.

"Gwennie," Arthur gushed, completely ignoring her stern countenance. "You look lovely." He wrapped both arms around her and hugged her, in the end making her groan a little.

"Stop it," she hissed and smoothed her dress when he complied. "I'm married." She looked first at him and then at Merlin who blushed. Then she decided to be well-bred,

"Well. Welcome home, then." It was said with an absolute minimum of warmth, but Lance was tone-deaf and sighed out happily,

"Good. We're all friends again! Let's all have lunch! I'm so glad you came home..." He eagerly grabbed Arthur's arm, and Merlin was left with Gwen's silent condemnation. He took her arm,

"Come. I'm so happy to talk to someone who doesn't try to shag me all the time."

She tried not to smile, he could see that, but she failed miserable.

"So it was a very … _physical_ honeymoon, I gather?" she said easily. He pulled her closer and said as they walked after the two others,

"Don't you start. We stayed in the bridal suite, and everyone thought we were married! If I see one more heart shaped mint..."

She looked down and smiled and he continued.

"And Arthur's a walking gland. We did it everywhere. On the beach, in the ocean, in the room, in the airport, on the plane...in the shower back home. I haven't worn clothes since we left."

She turned and looked at him; eyes sparkling with repressed laughter. He smirked, knowing exactly how to tease her,

"And I enjoyed every god damn minute of it!"

Merlin smiled as she gave in and squealed.

Gwen texted Gwaine: _They are home!_ and ten minutes later he joined them.

"They are so sweet!" she gushed for the tenth time when Arthur and Merlin fell into one of their five minute long snogs where you couldn't see where one ended and the other began. Gwaine first studied them with interest but soon grew tired and decided to ignore them,

"Yes...sickly sweet. Nauseating really. Quick, tell me about all the sex you had with Lance before I vomit!"

It was evening before they returned home. Merlin felt as though they had accomplished the first of many tests. Not that he was thinking much of Ygraine or Morgana or even Freya at that moment. He was kneeling on the bed on his hands and knees. Behind him Arthur wrapped an arm round his waist drawing him back. His cock settled ever so slightly between his buttocks, not enough to penetrate, but Merlin felt the lazy delight in expecting him. He wanted him, wanted to be taken, he knew that after thorough research in Thailand.

"Say it..." he heard Arthur whisper behind him, trusting forward a little. Merlin rolled his eyes.

"Say it," Arthur repeated, lost in a fantasy, and Merlin groaned out,

"Yes, god dammit!"

"Yes what?" Arthur said dreamily, thrusting again.

"I need you taking me," Merlin whispered, barely audible. "Don't make me fucking say it again." He felt the words get to Arthur, felt him getting closer, arms around his chest, fingers touching his sensitive nipples. Arthur's cock was hard as it pulsated slowly between his cheeks without penetrating. Merlin moved back against him to feel something and let out a sigh when he did,

"Oh."

Arthur moved his hips a little in response and slid up and down between his buttocks.

"Yes," Merlin sighed, arcing his back, and without further torture Arthur finally took him as his other hand sought down, closing around him. He moved it slowly up and down, following the rhythm of his hips. Merlin opened his mouth, repeating the word,

"Yes, yes, yes!" as the thrusts became harder. Arthur buried his teeth in the soft, unprotected part of his neck, and Merlin came just then, gasping from the multiple sensation. Arthur slowly thrust again and again, and Merlin, by then just a bundle of gooey limps, mumbled,

"Yes ... " when Arthur came inside him, shuddering against him. Afterward they just lay there, exhausted. Merlin didn't think of anything, just felt Arthur plastered around his back in a snug, warm embrace when the telephone rang:

" _Arthur, you fucking prick!_ " It was Morgana's distinct voice. " _Don't you dare show your swine-like snout anywhere near PEN when I'm there. You hear me?_ "


	24. And That's How You Punish Arthur...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Ygraine says a lot, and Merlin and Arthur fulfill each other's sexual fantasy.  
> 

They looked at each other before they went into PEN. They were wearing matching tight black shirts, and Arthur took it upon himself to straighten Merlin's collar.

"It's fine," Merlin finally said. Arthur still touched the fabric and let his fingers slide under it to touch skin.

"Hm?" he said. "Oh, just checking..." He pulled him closer and kissed him, then looked into his eyes before he kissed him again. Merlin answered with a mumble against his lips, and Arthur said,

"I'll just remove my tongue, shall I?"

"I said," Merlin said. "that I'm _fine_...and I really can't work in a state of constant arousal."

"Really?" Arthur said and let a hand slide down to close around his bum. "That's how I do my best work."

Morgause zoomed in on them with the accuracy of a heat-seeking missile. She took hold of Arthur's neck and pulled him into a snog while she pinched Merlin's behind. Then she kissed _him_ too, very thoroughly, before she said,

"Oi, you slutty pigs. I want details. How was the sex?"

Arthur opened his mouth, undoubtedly to brag, when Morgana stalked by the bar in a black cocktail dress and blood-red shoes. She stopped dramatically when she saw them and took a deep quivering breath.

"And the Oscar goes to ..." Arthur mumbled. Merlin blushed when Morgana looked at him. Then she slammed down her empty tray and hissed, snakelike,

"Vodka. Two. _Straight_."

"Hi, Morgy-bear," Arthur said. "You look like your own bubbly self."

"Shut up!" She kept staring at Merlin who poured the drinks.

"Didn't you break up with Arthur?" Morgause said lazily, draped over the bar. "Or did I dream that scene at Camelot? I _was_ pretty drunk."

Morgana ignored her.

"No, she threw her ring at me," Arthur said. "Told me we were through. I then foolishly assumed it meant my love life was my own affair." He shrugged. Morgana ignored that too.

"So what's with the burning martyr-act?" Morgause said and yawned. " _Don't touch my toys, Merlin_. Are you five? Are you gonna pull your skirt up to show Arthur your knickers again?"

Morgana tore her eyes from Merlin to ogle Morgause instead,

"Are you still here?"

Morgause continued,

"If I were a bloke, I'd shag Merlin too. Who wants to stick his cock inside pure evil?"

Morgana knotted her fists and stepped closer. Arthur decided this was the best time to wrap Merlin in his arms and kiss him. Merlin was at first reluctant but soon became distracted and melted into a kiss that lay a neptunium fog between them and Morgana. He heard a crashing sound and then Morgause laughed a low and evil laugh. When Arthur finally let him breathe, Morgana was gone and her tray lay on the floor. Morgause then said,

"Oh _God!_ " in a far too excited tone of voice, and they turned, still embracing, to see Freya stand in the door. She bent down to pick up Morgana's tray. Then she placed it on the counter, put the waiting drinks on it, smiled a pale smile and said,

"Congratulations."

Merlin smiled and tried to remove Arthur's octopus arms around him, but in vain. Morgause looked a little disappointed at the idyll but cheered up when a cold voice rang out,

"I think I'm entitled to an explanation!" It was Ygraine. "No! Don't speak to me!" she said, though neither of them had said anything. "I don't want to hear another word. Morgause, get out!"

Morgause oozed out reluctantly, throwing glances back over her shoulder.

"I don't want to talk to you two ever again," Ygraine declared and continued talking to them. "After that insolent text!" She looked at Freya. "Come, darling, get away from these brutes. I don't want them to torture you any further."

"I'm okay, Ygraine," Freya said and smiled. "Really. But thank you."

"No, you're not, darling. You are caught like a bunny paralyzed by two cobras." She wrapped her up in a pink embrace of ruffles and silk and stared daggers at Merlin.

"I would love to fire them both, but frankly I need them. Gwaine is hopelessly in love with that blond boy of his, so his mind isn't on his work, at all..."

"I'm fine," Freya tried again. "Leon and I are moving in together." She smiled shyly and held up her hand. On it sat a new ring. This one was silver with a pagan cross

"The _busser?_ " Ygraine said. "The sullen one with the unkempt hair? Oh darling...you could do so much better." She took her hand. "Is that Wicca?"

"He's in love with me," Freya said happily. "And I kind of love him a lot too. And we want to be married in the woods with everyone naked like real pagans!"

"In the _woods?_ " Ygraine startled. "That sounds very uncomfortable...just imagine all that sap. We'll never get it off Uther. He has too much body hair. Don't you think the garden at PEN would be more appropriate? Perhaps wearing a nice terrycloth-robe?"

"It's beautiful," Merlin said and Freya blushed,

"Thank you."

"Yes," Arthur said and looked at the silver ring with horror. "Congratulations."

"But darling," Ygraine interrupted. "You just thought Merlin was your only soulmate two seconds ago and now _Leon?_ " She sent Merlin a look. "I believe it's called reback."

"Rebound," Arthur helped and stepped back when she stared at him. Freya said in a tiny voice,

"But Leon's been ever so lovely."

Arthur let one hand squeeze Merlin's bum, and Merlin didn't have the energy to remove it though Ygraine stared at them and hissed,

"Arthur, stop that!"

"And we do have wonderful sex," Freya blushed and Ygraine sighed,

"Well, at least that's something, darling." She released her. "Fine, then run along to work. I'll just torture this lot instead."

Freya sent Merlin a smile and left with the drinks, and Ygraine stepped up to the counter, dropping her voice,

"I can forgive the lying and destroying my double wedding. Gwen had a lovely day after all, and thankfully your family stayed on as guests." She looked at Merlin. "But you are back without giving me a single call?"

"Sorry," Merlin said and Arthur shrugged.

"You should be. My son-in-law is home and I didn't know?" She looked at Merlin, clearly contemplating something.

"We're actually not married," Arthur said and looked worried when Ygraine dropped her voice further to an ominous low,

" _Yet._ If you had cheated me out of a gay wedding..." Her eyes said the rest.

"How ...er, did Freya's family take it?" Merlin asked and Ygraine closed her eyes,

"Don't mention those odious people. The father said something very ugly about gays, and I of course had to educate him. Then he called me a communist, which upset Uther very much. There has never been a communist in the Pendragon family. Murderers, yes, and adulterers and your aunt Athena falling in love with a statue, but a politician? Never!"

Arthur said,

"Yes, dear Aunt Atty. Made family dinners so entertaining."

"And then he called me a vulgar description of the female anatomy. Uther went livid and punched him into the wedding cake – luckily the one with the Caucasian bride – and then there was a very undignified moment of two aging men rolling around covered in whipped cream."

Arthur laughed.

"Yes, you laugh, you," Ygraine scolded. "It's all your fault entirely. I don't think fisticuffs are good for your father's heart. Gwaine and Percy then threw Freya's father out. Poor Freya cried and cried, and I had to console her with ice cream."

"I'm sorry," Merlin said again and removed Arthur's hand from his arse.

"You should be. First _you_ seduce her, then _you_ dump her. Then the two of you run off together. There isn't enough ice-cream in Camelot for that kind of emergency. I should let your father take you out for a thrashing in the stables like when you were a child."

"Actually, Mum," Arthur said with a grin. "Daddy always just gave me twenty quid to get lost."

"Really?" Ygraine said and looked fierce. "The liar. And to think I had rumpy-pumpy with that man because he defended my honour."

"Oh mother," Arthur said and looked surprisingly appalled. "I didn't need to know that. _At all_."

"Well, now you know how I feel hearing about your debauchery in details." She took a pink phone from her glittering lavender clutch.

"Uther! You've been lying to me." She paused and then said, "What you mean _when,_ darling? You do that on a regular basis?" She paused again. "Never you mind. I'll be home in twenty minutes. Wait for me in the bedroom. It's time for me to punish you."

Arthur moaned disgusted. She paused again, glanced at her son and then continued.

"Oh, remember the monk's habit we picked up in Greece last Easter? Yes, just that and sans underwear."

Arthur let go of Merlin and said,

"Enough. Please stop! I'm sorry what we did. Sorry that we didn't call you."

Ygraine ignored him,

"No, no, I still have the nun's frock and the ruler's in my car from last time. _And_ the pink garter."

Arthur covered his ears, and Merlin grinned, but Ygraine raised her voice,

"You've been a very bad monk and must be punished. What's that? No, it's 'Yes, _Sister_.' There's no Ygraine here."

Arthur fled out of the room followed by Merlin's laughter and Ygraine said, very loudly so Arthur could hear her,

"And later we'll play a new game called The Priest and the Wicca Witch. Bye, darling."

Arthur's roar could be heard echoing throughout PEN, and she put the phone down and winked at Merlin,

"And that's how you punish Arthur."

Merlin stopped laughing,

"So, you're not...that wasn't _really_ Uther on the phone?"

She looked at him surprised,

"Yes, of course it was, darling. And before I forget. I expect you both to attend Sunday lunch now you're part of the family." She kissed him on both cheeks and sighed, looking at him. "I want to run my thoughts on surrogacy past you. Don't warn Arthur."

Then she said,

"Uh, I better hurry now he's waiting." She eyed a glass-jar filled with pink furry handcuffs and fished out a pair. "Splendid. These will come in handy tonight."

Merlin was kept busy for the next ten minutes, working alone at the bar until Arthur returned, sulking mightily.

"You're safe. Your mother went home to tie your father to the bed," Merlin said, and the guests at the bar laughed. Arthur just growled, pouring drinks with quick angry movements. Merlin moved behind him and put his arms around his waist,

"Still sulking, babe?"

"No," Arthur sulked. Merlin pressed himself into his body and immediately had his attention,

"If only there was a way I could cheer you up."He ran both hands over his chest.

"You can start with bleaching the knowledge of my mother and father playing dress up from my brain," Arthur mumbled, but he lay a big warm hand over Merlin's arms resting across his stomach. Merlin said,

"I was thinking about something a little more intimate and daring."

"What?"

"I arranged for Gwaine to mind the bar." He took Arthur's hand, "Come."

"Where are we going?"

Merlin walked backwards, smiling secretly,

" _Your_ fantasy was you and me in the shower. Mine takes place in the backyard."

Merlin saw a glint of confusion in Arthur's eyes when he pulled him along. Then the door closed on the busy bar, and they stood in the dark backyard. Arthur looked lost, but Merlin went closer and said into his ear,

" _My_ dirty fantasy is taking you in my mouth out here, risking someone we know will see us."

Arthur just looked at him,

"That's not so daring? We done worse. Remember the airplane?"

Merlin blushed,

"Oh, but there's a twist to it."

"What?"

"You will be naked."

Arthur hesitated and then said,

"Are you going to run off with my clothes once I'm naked? Fool me once..."

Merlin just smiled,

"You mean _our_ clothes?" He opened a button on his tight black shirt, and Arthur's eyes widened,

"You're also gon - " He stopped talking and quickly started unbuttoning his own shirt instead.

"We have exactly half an hour before Gwaine comes looking for us," Merlin said and took off his shirt. Arthur looked around, but there was no one around,

"Luckily my mother is occupied this evening."

It would have been a good plan, if only one of them had bothered to check the schedule. PEN had last minute been booked for a huge private party celebrating the engagement of a celebrity power couple, and Merlin had barely gone to his knees and taken Arthur's cock into his mouth before they heard Lance yell from the front,

"Oh no, just park them all in the backyard. No ones' using it now."

Merlin looked up still encapsulating Arthur in is mouth and met his terrified stare. He got up and barely had time to look at their pile of clothes before the first car entered the backyard. Arthur quickly grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the way before he was illuminated by the headlights. Merlin gasped,

"Our clothes!" but Arthur hissed,

"No time, come on!" He dragged him through a hedge, and Merlin let out a yelp when he felt the twigs scratch his unprotected skin. They stood in the outskirts of PEN's new garden, and he could hear Arthur's panting breath as he tried to keep quiet. Merlin said,

"What d – " but a hand covered his mouth. They could hear voices and slamming of car doors and then more cars arriving. Arthur sighed and removed his hand, chanting,

" _Don't see the clothes, don't see the clothes_ \- "

"Oh look," a female voice said. "Someone dropped a lot of clothes."

"Fuck it," Arthur said into Merlin's ear.

"It says PEN on the shirt-pockets," they heard a male voice say.

"What nice fabric," a third voice said. "I must ask Ygraine where she buys her uniforms. Take it inside, Eric. It looks expensive..." The voice disappeared, and Merlin looked at Arthur who closed his eyes and whispered,

"I blame you entirely for this, Merlin Emrys."

Merlin looked around,

"Can't we just get into PEN through here?"

Arthur sighed,

"Not without walking bollocks naked through an entire restaurant filled with my mother's friends and customers. And Morgana. She would love that."

He looked around. "We'll just have to wait here until PEN closes. Too many people out the back now, smoking, but later we'll take my car and - "

"With what key?" Merlin said and Arthur closed his eyes again,

"Oh no." He looked desperate. "Then we have to sprint naked through London. It's either that or go past Morgana."

They looked at each other and then Arthur nodded,

"Naked through London sounds easier."

"Luckily," Merlin said. "We won't have to. I didn't lock my car, and I have a spare key for the flat in the glove compartment."

Arthur looked at him and relaxed,

"I love you when you're careless."

Merlin grinned and pressed a kiss on his mouth. Then he looked around,

"How big is this place?"

"Big," Arthur pulled him away from the shrubbery. "They open it to the public next week when the builders are done with the terrace." He pointed at a table and some chairs and the odd toolbox left on the lawn. Then he looked at Merlin,

"Which brings me to my next budding sexual fantasy."

Merlin walked out into the silvery moonlight,

"And that is?"

The trees grew so tall no one could see them, and the moon was the only thing watching above their heads. Arthur moved closer and wrapped his arms around his waist,

"To kiss you in the moonlight," he mumbled.

"How very chaste," Merlin said and gazed into his eyes.

"I didn't say where," Arthur continued, sliding his hands down to cup his buttocks, and chuckled when Merlin suddenly understood,

"Arthur..."

"So lie down in the nice new grass," Arthur said softly and released him. Merlin sat down and mumbled,

"Thank god it's summer." He then looked up at Arthur through hooded eyes. "What now?"

"Lie down," he repeated lightly. "And close your eyes. We have a few hours to kill. But _do_ try to keep the noise down. We're not on a remote beach ..."

Merlin smiled but complied and felt the grass against his back. He wriggled and sighed,

"It's very ... different. But at least there's no sand."

"Never had sex outdoors before you met me?" Arthur said and went to his knees next to him.

"Not in London," Merlin mumbled. "Or Cardiff. Only ... in the country. But never with, you know, a man."

"But with a girl?" He sounded strange, almost jealous, and Merlin raised his head to study him,

"Once. Well, sex-adjacent. On a field-trip with the school. Other times I was all alone in nature and took off my clothes because ... I could." He gasped as Arthur let a hand run down his stomach, spreading his fingers.

"You were naked?" Arthur asked interested.

"Yes. I would sneak out at night naked and run free. It was quite ... arousing."

"Like now," Arthur said and let his hand run up his chest. Merlin moaned a little when he stopped before he reached his nipples.

"Yes. I would fantasize that I would meet someone and be aroused and terrified at the same time." He breathed faster.

"Like now," Arthur whispered, his warm mouth suddenly close to the skin on his stomach, and Merlin shuddered.

"God," he sighed. "Arthur..."

Arthur answered by blowing on his stomach, and Merlin choked up,

"Arthur..."

He didn't touch him, just stayed close enough for Merlin to sense the heat from his body. Merlin closed his eyes and continued,

"I ... I once..." then he stopped and opened his eyes. Arthur was watching him,

"Once?"

"Once ... er, some years ago, I usually came, you know, in nature at night." He blushed and heard Arthur laugh.

"I've forgot how the night air feels on your naked skin."

Arthur sat up,

"What did you do then?"

Merlin looked at him,

"What do you think? Wanked. Duh."

"Just that?" Arthur said and put his hand on his thigh so Merlin's body twitched. "Just a boring old wank?"

"Yes," Merlin closed his eyes. "I was naked and I did something naughty. That was enough to get me off in those days." He blushed again and Arthur said,

"Are you sure? Because you said _once._ "

Merlin sighed,

"Why are you so obsessed with ... Yes, I ... okay, so I _might_ have experimented a little one time."

Arthur laughed a low laugh again that made Merlin squirm. His body seemed to be tingling from this most embarrassing talk.

"How?" Arthur said and let his hand slide up the leg, caressing. "Tell me how you experimented."

"I had..." Merlin swallowed. "I had taken some cream with me because I realised that wanking made the skin sore."

"Occupational hazard," Arthur said and moved the leg to the side, exposing him even more to the night. Merlin breathed out nosily.

"Go on," Arthur said.

"I found this place between two trees that had fallen down during a storm but had kept on growing horizontally. There was a narrow hollow between them filled with dry leaves. I lay there, resting my head on the trunk of one of the trees. It scratched my neck." He opened his eyes and saw Arthur kneel between his legs, watching him, hard. Merlin blushed and swallowed again.

"We have no lube," he said.

"We won't need it," Arthur said. "Continue your story." He still sounded very matter of fact, but his breathing revealed his excitement.

"I rested my feet on each trunk by placing my heels against the broken off branches. It raised them a little in the air which felt ... dirty?"

Arthur moved his other leg then, exposing him completely. He kissed his inner-thigh, ignoring his aroused state, and Merlin bucked against him, stuttering,

"I ... I tried to think of girls I knew, but I also knew none of them would understand why it felt great to lie like this."

Arthur made a noise of agreement.

"So I imagined someone was with me who would like to see me exposed, someone who would get excited." He paused embarrassed and then said, "I took the cream and ... and coated my cock and ..."

"And?" Arthur repeated, moving in between his legs, slowly running his palm up the inner-side of one thigh. Merlin shuddered,

"I ... really have trouble talking when you do that."

"Yes, you have," Arthur agreed. "Continue."

Merlin took a deep breath,

"Lying there, feeling this slobbery feeling, enjoying it, a ... breeze started blowing against me."

Arthur bent his head and blew against Merlin's puckered up hole creating a jerk through his body and a wordless curse,

"Like this?"

"Yes," Merlin whispered. "Oh yes. Just ... and then I ... I took the, the cream, and smeared it further down over my, you know, massaging them."

Arthur cupped him with one hand, squeezing him, making him hiss out,

"And my fingers were so slick that they somehow slipped, and I touched my ... my ... "

Arthur used his tongue now, touching Merlin's hole, gently at first, applying a wet swirl of moisture. Merlin jerked away and moaned, but Arthur held him in place, licking him more and more hungrily.

"Yes," Merlin panted out. "Just like ... oh ... and I ... couldn't help ... and then I came ... oh ..."

Arthur held his thighs apart and then applied his mouth for real, making wet noises as his lips and tongue sucked Merlin into his mouth. He couldn't keep quiet, he just couldn't, but let his panting and cries echo out. He wriggled to get away because that time in the woods, shamefully massaging his own hole, was nothing, nothing like this. This was being devoured alive by Arthur, eaten, revealing a wonderful new wicked side of him. A side he knew existed but until then hadn't experienced himself. He gasped out,

"Oh my god ... " arching his back he stretched his arms out overhead, reaching for something, anything, and found the leg of the steel table. His hands grasped it, holding on to it, in time for the first shudder to go through his body. He heard Arthur's moan against his raw flesh, felt him buzz throughout his body. He hadn't even touched his cock but it was gushing now from the feel of Arthur's mouth. When he came, he yelled out louder than before and then felt a dizzy darkness fall.

He sat up after what felt like hours. Arthur sat next to him looking a little worried.

"Did I sleep?" he said with a raw voice.

"You kind of...blacked out for awhile," Arthur said. "Starts to become a habit of yours. I was just about to call for help."

Merlin looked at him. He was very much aroused and Merlin chuckled, "I would have loved to see that."

Arthur stood up and Merlin stopped laughing,

"What's the matter?"

He looked down at him with a frown,

"I was worried about you."

"Aw," Merlin said.

"Shut up. Do you plan to faint every time you come?"

"Not every time," Merlin said and tilted his head, watching him. "You might just be that good in bed? The fault's all yours, then."

Arthur couldn't hide a smile but then startled when Merlin got to his knees and grabbed his hips,

"What are you doing?"

Merlin looked up at him,

"Fulfilling _my_ fantasy. We were interrupted, remember?" Before Arthur could object, he opened his mouth and took him. Arthur's hands settled helplessly in his hair as he closed his eyes and moved rhythmically into his mouth. He looked down at him at one point, saying,

"Where ... the hell did you learn that?"

Merlin just groaned with his mouth around him and sucked a little extra, drawing out a muffled roar from Arthur. He reached down and found some moisture Arthur had missed and smeared it on a finger. Then he reached around Arthur and pressed it slightly against his tightly closed hole, making him yell out an octave higher. He looked down and their eyes met. Merlin's were a startling colour of the darkest blue he had ever seen. Arthur groaned and closed his eyes, whispering,

"Yes..."

Merlin rubbed his finger against him, matching the rhythm with his mouth, and Arthur contracted like a coiled spring. Merlin looked up and saw him in the silvery moonlight; head thrown back, face flushed, stomach flexing. He was close and whispered as a warning,

"Merlin, pull away. I'm c – " but Merlin had other plans. He pulled back so only the head was in his mouth and then placed his tongue in the slit. Arthur roared out and fell forward, supporting himself on Merlin's shoulders, coming in his mouth. Merlin took it all and felt Arthur's shock over this intimate gesture. He swallowed with his hands on his hips and didn't let go until Arthur was finished. Then they pulled apart, staggering a little, and Merlin got up with a shy smile. Arthur wrapped his arms around him and looked into his eyes, still out of breath. He smiled a little dreamlike smile and then kissed him; a deep lingering kiss. When they pulled apart Arthur said,

"Let's go home."

Merlin held back and listened to the voices behind the rows of trees and bushes,

"But ... there are still people out there. How are we getting to the car?"

Arthur just took his hand,

"Why hide?"

When they stood in the opening in the trees, he pulled him close and kissed him again, disregarding the gasps he heard. Then he said,

"Come," and pulled him out into the light


	25. All That Bloody Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dust, sex and Sunday lunch. You're welcome.
> 
> I don't know if anyone noticed all the hints throughout the story but Arthur actually isn't an only child. Enter siblings.

"So...how are your brothers? They look like you?"

Merlin studied the road. They were driving towards Camelot where the Pendragons were spending the weekend. Arthur shrugged,

"No, not at all. Cen and George are opposites, too."

Merlin looked at him,

"Cen?"

"Cenred. My mother is an ardent fan of royal history. He's in love with himself and convinced everyone else must be, too. Never met a mirror he didn't like."

"So, just like you, then? Hey!"

Arthur stopped trying to hit him and concentrated on the road. Merlin rested his hand on Arthur's thigh,

"But George is different?"

"Yes, George's more like father. Good as gold but he takes things very literally. And I think he's still a virgin." He laughed, "Poor bloke, must have been hard just surviving us. Like a sparrow among peacocks."

They unpacked their clothes in Arthur's old bedroom, and he looked up at the clock on the wall,

"We're early. And Mum didn't even realise we arrived. Care to indulge me in my boyhood fantasy until noon?"

Merlin sat down on the bed, trying the bed springs with an amused smile,

"That depends on what you were into? Something pervy I bet?"

Arthur lay down on the bed, stretching,

"I was...dreaming about having someone perfect in my bed, doing dirty things for hours on end."

Merlin rolled his eyes but Arthur continued,

"Warm, eager and a little bit shy. Someone I could lure into being very, very wicked." He looked up at him. "I was dreaming about you, really."

Merlin looked down and hid a smile but said nothing.

"That first time when my mother introduced you as Freya’s fiance, I thought: _He's mine!_ "

"Really?" Merlin said, doubtful.

"I mean it." He put up his hand and caressed his side.

"Yours?" Merlin said. He crawled over him and sat up with a leg on each side, looking down. Arthur just lay there, looking surprisingly genuine.

"You really mean it?"

"Yes," Arthur placed his big hands gently around his waist. "I mean it."

Merlin bent down and gave him a warm kiss and then he looked at him,

"Interesting."

"What is?" Arthur said placidly.

"Every time we are in Camelot you become so serious. Why is that?"

"Last time you were marrying someone else," Arthur said and let a finger stroke across his lips. "That might account for some of the gloom."

"But this time I'm..." Merlin paused and then smiled a little. "Yours." He kissed Arthur again and was taken by surprise when he was flipped over and landed on his back with Arthur sitting on him.

"I have something for you," he said. He opened the drawer next to his bed, and Merlin said,

"Thank you, but I've already seen your affiliate of Lubes R Us."

Arthur just looked at him and pulled up a tiny box.

"What's that?"

"Not lube," Arthur said. He opened the box and took out a ring. When he held it closer, Merlin saw that it was solid gold with just the frailest lines of what looked like Welsh words. Merlin narrowed his eyes, but Artur bent down and kissed him softly. Then he took hold of his hand and held the ring up,

"What do you say?"

Merlin felt decidedly foolish because his heart actually started fluttering. He was trapped under Arthur who weighed him down, and it had to be the reason he found it difficult to breathe. It had to.

"Yeah..." He cleared his throat. "Okay. Sure."

That wasn't enough for Arthur.

"Will you marry me?" He said each word distinctly, and his eyes didn't leave his face. Merlin swallowed. The dust on the road leading to Camelot had blown through the open car window. For some irritating reason it chose _this_ moment to drizzle from his hair into his eyes. He blinked and tried to fight back the moisture building up.

"Er," he said and blinked again. "Yes." He looked up into Arthur's blue eyes and noticed the tender smile when he saw him wipe his eyes.

"I'm not crying," Merlin defended himself though Arthur hadn't said anything. "I'm just ... All that bloody dust."

Arthur pulled him up to sit before he slipped the ring on his finger. Then Merlin cleared his throat,

"Okay...so, what now?"

Arthur touched the ring,

"You ... remove it so my mother doesn't see it."

"No!" Merlin said and pulled his hand back. Then he hesitated, surprised by his own reaction. "Er...I mean..."

Arthur grinned,

"Attached to it already?" "No," Merlin said again. "I'm not a girl." But he looked down at the sparkle of gold and smiled. He recalled Ygraine's words the first day they met: _Fellowship of the ring. It's a girl-thing, Merlin_ , and he smiled again. Apparently not. Arthur kissed him and Merlin returned the kiss, resting his hand on his cheek. He could see the ring out of the corner of the eye, sparkling in the sun shining through the window,

"I'll take it off today, but we have to tell your mother soon. She'll never forgive us if she's the last to know."

Arthur moved down his neck, tasting his skin.

"Don't worry," he said against it. "She'll pick up the scent of a ring before long. Let's see how long it takes for her to sniff it out." He looked up and realised Merlin kept his hand raised over their heads, looking at it with a puzzled look.

"What's the matter?"

Their eyes met and Merlin blinked again,

"Nothing."

"Definitely not crying?"

"Absolutely not," he blushed.

"Having second thoughts, then?" Arthur reached up and held his hand. "I can always have it melted down."

Merlin pulled his hand away,

"You wouldn't dare..." Then he paused before he said, "Wait? What about you? Shouldn't you wear one?"

Arthur looked very pleased with himself.

"There _is_ a second ring..." he smiled. "Hidden somewhere on my person. Care to find it?"

Merlin sighed against his lips and let his hands seek out his skin,

"Only you could turn a proposal into ravaging."

Arthur responded instantly to his touch, fueled by the sudden arousing thought that Merlin now was his alone. His hands started to remove clothes and open buttons in a quest to touch more skin. Merlin gasped as Arthur's fingers found their way under his clothes.

"I need to touch you, too," Arthur purred against his skin. "Taste you. Take you. God..."

"Arthur..." Merlin moaned in response and felt his body become pliant. For each time it felt more natural, more right to be with Arthur. He wanted this. His prudent, logical mind had many plans to prolong the game, but his inner core wanted his lover as close as possible right now.

"I know," Arthur whispered against his revealed skin. "We have to ... I want more of you. Please? Now?"

Merlin pressed against him as an answer; his eyes so dark the blue had vanished, and Arthur answered with a wordless sound, blindly groping after the lube.

"I need ... " Merlin whimpered, and Arthur squirted the lubricant in his hand. He took one second out to look at Merlin lying flat under him, sprawled out. His lips were slightly swollen. "I need you..."

Arthur growled, oddly embarrassed by his reaction to the breathless admission, and lathered himself up quickly. Merlin gave out a slight urgent sound as he arched his back, and then they slotted together as two missing pieces. Merlin bucked up again, wanting him, needing him like never before, and Arthur responded by moving his entire body against him; even their fingers were touching at one point, braiding into each other. Merlin then let out a satisfied sigh. His throat arched up to be kissed, reveling in the sudden sweetness of the act. And then, letting his hands roam down over naked flesh, he felt it; the ring.

The table with the pink tablecloth was decked on the terrace, taking advantage of the warm summer day. Arthur and Merlin arrived last, hurried and damp, and saw that everyone was waiting for them. Ygraine and Uther sat at each end, and Ygraine clucked her tongue when she saw them,

"You're late, darlings!" She then scanned them, took in their ruffled clothes and tried to hide a smile. Arthur looked down the table and stopped smiling when he saw Mordred,

"I thought this was family only."

"We’re _all_ family, darling," a gloating voice said, and Merlin turned his head to see Morgana. She laced her fingers into the large hand of a handsome dark haired man who studied Arthur with a teasing gaze to see his reaction.

"Hi Artie," he said.

"Cenred," Arthur said courtly and pulled Merlin with him to the other side of the table. There, next to Ygraine, sat what had to be brother number two. He had dark hair too, but it was short, and unlike his tanned brothers he seemed slim and pale. Ygraine looked at him proudly,

"Merlin, this is George, my youngest. Over there is Cenred, my middle child. His hair is far too long. Mordred lives with us – "

Uther grunted.

"Until he saves enough for his own place. Elyan and he are engaged, and well, you know Morgana … Apparently she and Cenred is an item now. Not that anyone tells me these things. They just show up."

She smiled at Merlin,

"George, say hello to Arthur's boyfriend Merlin."

George looked up from polishing his fork and peered nearsighted at Merlin, resembling an owl. He blinked and then he said,

"How do you do?"

Merlin paused surprised as he sat down, then he said,

"I’m … I’m fine, thank you. And you?"

George thought a little and then said,

"I am quite comfortable now I have acclimatized from the Australian climate to the English."

"George has been studying in Sydney," Ygraine said, glowing with pride, and padded his neat white hand. "Top grades. The brain of the family."

"But somehow the brain never manage to acquire a tan," Cenred said and Morgana snickered.

"It was winter," George blushed, and Ygraine said,

"He was there to _study_. Unlike your so called studies in Paris. I doubt you ever saw the inside of a lecture-hall. George, on the other and, is very conscientious." She signaled for the servers and then said, "Gaius couldn't join us this weekend. Too busy with his business."

"Consisting of two blokes and a blonde gal," Uther mumbled to his plate and Ygraine said,

"Darling, if it makes him happy ... "

"I'm not judging him," Uther said. "More like cheering him on in stunned awe - "

"Yes, thank you," Ygraine interrupted. "I've noticed."

Cenred hadn't given up on torturing George,

"It's practically impossible to acquire a tan if you refuse to remove your clothes. You do know that, don't you George?" He laughed, and Merlin realised he laughed the same unsettling way as Arthur; oozing innuendo. George pulled at the cuff-links of his blazer,

"I … I'm very much aware of the dangers of too much sun. Skin-cancer is forever on my mind." He looked pleadingly at Arthur who smiled at him,

"Don't feel bad that you have a working brain, George. After 9-10 stiff drinks C can't even _spell_ the word inhibition."

George said with painful honesty,

"Unfortunately, I’m also allergic to alcohol," and Morgana giggled into her napkin. Merlin zoned out of the conversation when he realised Cenred was staring at him. When their eyes met, he smiled and winked at him. Then Merlin's vision was blocked by Arthur's back as he leaned in, apparently ogling Cenred. When he pulled back, Cenred was studying the table before him, cowed by a single look. Next to him Morgana had witnessed the silent battle and decided that Merlin was entirely to blame. She leaned back in her seat watching him angrily, playing with her sharp fork.

"Perhaps we should take Georgie out for a night on the town?" Mordred suddenly said. "Just me and Ellie." He looked lovingly at Elyan who looked back, and soon they were kissing again. George blushed and stared at their interlocked mouths.

"Great idea," Cenred said. "Then we might finally get him laid."

"Cenred!" Ygraine snapped and Merlin noticed that Cenred looked a little shameful; unlike Arthur who always ignored his mother's admonishing.

"Or we might just leave George alone to figure things out himself," Arthur said with an edge to his voice. Cenred bent his head at that, and George raised his, smiling an admiring smile at Arthur. Cenred drank some wine instead and then looked at Morgana. She had crossed her arms and returned his gaze with a slight mocking smile, as though she dared him on.

"So…" he said. "You had quite a day at PEN, Arthur." He looked at Merlin. "Or so I hear."

"You hear a lot," Arthur said and it sounded like a warning.

"What? What did he hear, darling?" Ygraine said warily. She looked at Uther who took his wineglass and downed it in one go.

"Arthur and Merlin," Cedred paused for dramatic effect, "were seen coming out of the forbidden garden at PEN, kissing."

Ygraine looked at him and then Arthur,

"That is hardly scandalous?"

"Oh, but it is, Mummy," Cenred smiled evilly. "It is. First there were some jolly odd sounds coming from inside the garden. You could almost suspect that people were having sex in there. Then they emerged from in between the trees naked, thoroughly ignoring that all of your friends and customers were looking. I guess that's how highly your precious heir regards your business."

Merlin saw that Ygraine had two flaming patches on her cheeks as she looked at Arthur. For all her love of gay frivolity a taint on her business was serious. Just imagine the rumours: _Don't go to PEN. They have people walking around in the nude_. Not a place you bring serious business contacts…

He felt Arthur squeeze his hand on the table and then suddenly Ygraine gasped,

"Is that a ring?"

Merlin looked down at the ring he had found taped to a certain part of Arthur's body. Last time he checked it lay abandoned on the dresser next to his own, both of them agreeing that it was too early to let Ygraine in on their secret. Now it sat on Arthur's finger, and he raised his hand to show it to his mother,

"Oh yes ... I asked Merlin to marry me, and he accepted."

Ygraine screamed and Morgana looked like her head hurt. Cenred slumped back in his chair, defeated, and Arthur then took Merlin's ring from his pocket,

"I wanted to keep it quiet for now, but it explains what happened in the garden." He winked at Merlin and mouthed mutely: _Sorry, but it's the only way_... Merlin shook his head but couldn't hide a smile when Ygraine shrieked out,

"It's really happening!"

Uther looked at her a little worried. She was turning a strange shade of pink. George put on his glasses and studied the ring,

"How high a percentage of gold is it? It's not an amalgamation, I hope?"

Ygraine waved her arms and panted out certain words that sounded like,

"Gay, wedding, champagne" and "I-might-die!"

Uther leaned closer with a box of Kleenex, mumbling,

"Calm yourself, Love."

Arthur looked at Merlin and said,

"Will you marry me? Despite meeting my family?"

Merlin sensed Morgana's looming hatred like a dark cloud over his head. He looked into Arthur's eyes and felt the cloud evaporate in an ocean of blue.

"I will."

Arthur put the ring on his finger and then drew him into a long, soft kiss. Far away he heard Ygraine begin to cry, and Arthur whispered against his lips,

"Must be more of that bloody dust blowing in from the road."


	26. Just Kill Me Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freya's wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part one of two. 
> 
> Sorry it took so long, but I have reached the part of the story that needs a lot of re-writing.  
> 

The invitation read:

 _Greetings loved ones of every race, gender, belief, non-belief and sexual orientation._ _Freya Gustavson has agreed to melt her essence together with that of her twin soul Leon Davies._ _T_ h _e ceremony will take place in The Clydach Gorge in Brecon Beacons National Park Sunday at noon._ _The food will be vegan nibbles, and a choice of delicious kale juices, cider and mead._ _Clothing is lovingly prohibited._ _We believe that nudity and holiness go hand in hand and will help surround the couple with love and cosmic light._ _A body paint stand will be available for those who like to celebrate their creativity by painting their bodies in green and earthy colours._

Merlin read it out loud to Arthur while sitting cross legged on their bed,

"Brecon Beacons? But that's in Wales?"

Arthur groaned beneath the covers,

"Mmm. Isn't Davies a Welsh name, too? Leon Davies?"

Merlin blinked,

"Oh yes, never thought of that. Leon's so ... Nordic looking..."

Arthur pulled the duvet from his head and said,

"That's racist. And seems like sweet Freya has a thing for Celts." He grinned up at him, blond hair tussled, and Merlin said,

"And you don't? You and Morgana's gorgeous Mum? Hey - " He laughed when he was pulled down under the duvet.

The day after Ygraine sent out a follow up invitation that really was an order, clarifying that _everyone must wear something_ to cover up their lower area.

The next day again she issued a memo to the staff at PEN that underlined that the "something" had to be made of _cloth_.

They had all arrived at a clearing in the woods, waiting for Ygraine to park her huge pink car in between the green foliage. Ygraine exited first, dressed in a green Chanel jacket, green shorts and an enormous white broad brimmed hat. Freya, who waited to greet her, wore flower chains round her neck, barely disguising her bust, and tiny green bikini briefs. Ygraine pecked her cheeks and measured her, made a painful sigh and then said,

"Still going through with your homage to the sixties?"

Freya nodded and blushed, giggling from excitement,

"Leon's family is here, too." She pointed to a shell shocked middle aged couple who stood, holding hands, next to Freya's timid mother Clara. All of them were very much dressed, and the women clutched their bags to their bosoms while they stared at the young men walking past in very scanty outfits.

"It’s bloody Glastonbury," Ygraine mumbled. "Quick, darling," she turned to Uther who was wearing a matching pair of green shorts. A gold locket depicting a satyr was buried in his grey chest hair. "Ask Gaius to attend Freya's mother before she escapes. She looks like a virgin at a pagan sacrifice. Tell him to be charming. She is divorcing that brute and could need a civilized beau. Just don't let him mention his, er, companions too soon. Hurry. And bring me back a glass of bubbly!"

Uther nodded.

"Where do I find champagne?" he said trying to avoid looking at Freya's naked chest.

"We only have cider and homemade elderberry wine," Freya said sadly and pointed at a fruit stand filled with bottles. "The druids didn't drink champagne."

"Well luckily I do," Ygraine said. "There are five boxes in the car. Utherstopstaringatherchest. That should be enough to elevate the mood, But if anyone drops my champagne glasses, I'll duck their pay."

Arthur and Merlin were wearing tiny matching green diving trunks and nothing else when they exited their car. Morgause studied them for a long time in silence, thoroughly embarrassing Merlin, and then said,

"Didn’t your mother stipulate the word _cloth_ , Arthur? I don't think those few threads and dental-floss barely covering your pride and joy will suffice."

"Any complaints?" Arthur said. "I don't see you wearing much." He looked at her green fishnet stockings and the blonde tresses flowing over her chest, working as a makeshift lady Godiva top.

"I never complain about male nudity," she said. "But your Mummy might." She glanced over her shoulder and caught Ygraine's eyes. Ygraine took in her fishnets and opened her mouth. Her eyes went up to her hair, and she closed it again while one eyebrow ricocheted up to her hairline. Morgause then stepped sideways as a game-show girl, revealing Arthur and Merlin in all their snugness. Ygraine quickly turned away and pulled her enormous hat down low, ignoring Morgause's burst of evil laughter.

Uther came into view, and father and son stared at each other for one stunned moment until Arthur mumbled,

"For the love of god! What the hell is he wearing?"

Merlin and Morgause turned and saw Uther dive into the backseat of the car, and Arthur looked away from the sight of the long, white and hairy legs. He returned, dragging a box of champagne out, and Morgause immediately marched up to him and secured them two of the bottles. She raised them triumphantly in the air on her return, and Ygraine squealed,

"Morgause! For goodness sake, lower your arms!"

Mordred and Elyan tumbled out of their parked car, flustered and giggling. Mordred wore silver shorts with glitter and Elyan's gold shorts showed every inch of him. Merlin exclaimed a huff when he saw him, and Arthur caught him ogling.

"Watch it," he said menacingly. "Or I'll chop off any protruding bits."

Morgause laughed while she puffed on a cigarette, and Mordred looked from face to face,

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing," Arthur said and smiled. "We're just admiring Elyan's, er, _shorts_."

Mordred followed his eyes and then giggled to Elyan,

"Isn't he dreamy?"

" _He_ can hear you," Elyan said. "Nice costume you almost have on, Merlin," he added with a flirting smile. Mordred looked at them alarmed and then locked himself on Elyan's arm and tried to pull him away,

"Let's mingle."

"The ceremony's about to start," Morgause warned them. "Apparently it includes a stripper pole?" She pointed with the cigarette at the large maypole in the center of the clearing, adorned with garlands. "If I had known, I would have worn my leather bra."

"Where's Gwen?" Merlin said and looked around. "I thought I saw Lance's wreck of a car pass us on the way down?"

"Gwen's a little unwell," Freya said behind them, and they turned around. "She'll be performing the hand fasting so she's sitting in the car until she feels better."

"Is she ill?" Merlin asked worried, but Freya shook her head,

"Oh no, just a little queasy. We had a curry last night, waiting for you lot to show up. Might be that."

Percy went past them just then, hand in hand with Gwaine who looked deliriously happy. They were wearing matching see through fluorescent fairy-wings and white pleated skirts. Gwaine threw Merlin an air kiss as he was dragged towards the beverages.

"She probably drank some of that fermented kale juice," Arthur said and looked interested after Gwaine. "I saw Elena in the same outfit. I really hope Gaius isn't wearing one too." Then he looked at Freya with a salacious smile, "You look stunning, by the way, Kitten. Congrats." His eyes never left her flower covered chest, and Merlin slapped his bottom.

"Congratulations," Merlin then said and gave Freya a kiss on the cheek. "And you _do_ look lovely."

She giggled and hugged his neck,

"Then you should see Leon."

Gaius, who had refused to wear fairy wings and instead dressed in a dapper white suit, had oozed up to Freya's mother Clara, who viewed him with deep suspicion. Both she and Leon's parents seemed to relax, though, when he presented them with champagne. He then pointed out various mythological symbols in the clearing, and Clara soon looked at him with worship in her eyes; the champagne making her eyes sparkle.

Ygraine clapped her hands and said,

"Everyone! The ceremony starts now!" She pulled Uther towards a broken circle of chairs hidden under a myriad of flowers, and mumbled, "Hope there aren't any ants. Gaius, darling, you and Clara come sit with us on the bride's side." She looked at Leon's parents, and it was clear to see she had forgotten their names. "Er," she said. "Where _is_ Leon?"

Freya grabbed the hand of both her in-laws and saved Ygraine any more embarrassment,

"Come, come, you sit to the left side, symbolizing logic and masculinity."

"Oh please," Morgause snarled as she slunk past, distracting Leon's father somewhat.

"And my guests are on the right side," Freya continued. "The creative, feminine side. We're then merging our genders in the ceremony. Has anyone seen Morgana? Oh. She _promised_ she and Cenred would come?" Her voice dropped and Merlin said,

"No, we haven't seen her. Can't even smell the sulfur in the air..."

Clara was escorted to the right side by Gaius. He pointed out that the statues she could see were satyrs, and that the erected phallus meant the bride would receive the gift of fertility. Clara, who apparently had drunk a lot of champagne, giggled and told him he looked ever so distinguished.

"Right, I'm here," Morgana's bored voice then said and Freya squealed,

"You came! You came!" She embraced Morgana with tears streaming down her face and Morgana said,

"Not so loud. I'm bloody hung over." She yawned. "Cenred and George left me to sleep it off in the backseat. Where are they?" She was wearing an enormous black hat and had wrapped herself in a see-through dress of black tulle, revealing her diminutive underwear. She noticed people stared and said,

"Shut up! Best I could do with Ygraine's Lady Godiva dress code."

"Morgause had the same thought," Merlin grinned. "And Cenred's ogling Elena over by the bar. But I haven't seen George anywhere."

Morgana looked at him and said coldly,

"Great minds think alike, apparently," still not quite having forgiving him, but then raised her eyebrow and took him in, "My, that's some nonexistent trunks." She glanced at Arthur and whistled, "Good for you, Arthur. Aren't you a matching pair of cocks. Where's the alcohol?"

Freya blushed deeply and abidingly said,

"We have fruit punch, cider and mead," and Morgana grew a tad paler. Morgause then stalked up with a bottle of champagne in one hand and a glass in the other, "No fear, helps here direct from the cellars of PEN."

Morgana sighed,

"You're a lifesaver, doll."

Leon finally stepped into the clearing, blushing from head to toe. He was wearing a long white robe that was alarmingly see-through in the bright sunshine, and his head was adorned with a garland of yellow flowers. Freya giggled,

"Oh, you look just like pan!" She kissed him and he kissed her back thoroughly, and when it had lasted a couple of minutes, the guests looked the other way and refilled their glasses. Arthur slid both arms around Merlin's waist from behind and kissed his ear,

"When the two love bunnies are hitched, fancy taking a little walk with me in nature?"

Merlin smiled and then saw Morgana's stone face from across the clearing. She was sitting on the bridegroom's side so she had free view to ogle them. Cenred had popped up next to her, red-faced and looking quite stunning in low hanging jeans that had very little to do with the pagan way. He looked up and noticed Arthur wrapped around Merlin who moved back against him as he said,

"Let's just go sit down first. Morgana's looking daggers at me."

Arthur looked over his shoulder,

"And Cenred's peeling off your trunks with his eyes. Pervert." Still clutching him, he moved them forward to sit on the chairs on the bride's side next to Ygraine who looked up and hissed,

"Arthur!"

"What?" Arthur said lazily. "It's a fertility rite."

"It's still spiritual," Ygraine hissed back. "Not an all you can poke feast at PEN! Hands off!"

Arthur leaned in over Merlin who unfortunately sat between them,

"Then start by telling Father to cover up! He looks like a boar who needs a shave!"

Ygraine smiled impishly and took Uther's hand. He looked at her distracted,

"Have you seen George anywhere?"

"Oh, he just wandered off," Ygraine said. "He was mumbling something about acorns and foliage. Honestly, I think it's better he doesn't witness this." She nodded at Freya and Leon who still kissed, momentarily taking the time off to look into each other's eyes and giggle. Morgana moaned,

"God, this is so Disney. I thought pagans were a randy lot."

Uther squeezed Ygraine's hand and chuckled,

"Young love. Just like yesterday. Remember." He kissed Ygraine and Arthur emitted a low moan.

"I remember you tried to get it all without a ring," Ygraine said and clutched his thigh. "And I said, _Not on your life. My knees stay glued together till our wedding night._ "

"And then we broke the bed," Uther recalled warmly. Ygraine chuckled and he kissed her again, and Arthur's horrified gasp was drowned out by Morgause's laughter.

In the end Ygraine went up and physically separated Leon and Freya, and the ceremony could begin. The Wicca priestess took one look at Ygraine's very pink pumps and seemed to stagger backwards, but she recovered and said,

"Merry meet!" spreading her arms out. "May I ask all here to stand while I clear the space?"

"You can always try," Arthur mumbled and Ygraine hissed,

"Showsomerespect!"

Everyone rose while the priestess lit a handful of twigs, and a pleasant smell soon spread in the air. She moved around Freya and Leon in a sort of hopping dance, and Gaius explained to Clara that she was getting rid of negative energy.

"She'll need more than that kindle wood if she comes near Arthur," Ygraine mumbled and Cenred laughed out; a sound that made Arthur clench his teeth.

"Our gods bless this space," the priestess said again and again, circling around Freya and Leon who stood close together, clutching each other's hands.

"I invite in air so we may breathe, water so we may drink, fire so we may keep warm, earth so we may eat."

Arthur put his mouth on Merlin's ear and said,

"Champagne so we may be wasted," and Merlin received a scathing look from Ygraine for snorting.

"Air to think, water to feel, earth to be, fire to burn through your veins," the priestess continued.

"I say," Uther mumbled to Ygraine. "You sure this isn't one of those sex cults you hear about?"

"Hail this couple who unite before us. Bless them with your love. Freya, Leon, hold up your hands so Gwen can tie the ribbon," the priestess then said. Gwen came forward, looking very grey and unwell, but she held it in while she tied a green ribbon around their wrists.

"I bless you," she croaked and then hurried away in between the bushes where they heard _certain_ sounds. Lance appeared out of nowhere and ran towards the sounds while uttering apologies. Ygraine then started sniffling when Freya and Leon looked into each other's eyes again, joined at the wrist.

"Oh mother," Arthur said disgusted and Ygraine said,

"It's just so beautiful. The love between them creates a pink light!" She dabbed her eyes with her handkerchief. Arthur looked at them and said,

"Where?" but Ygraine simply wept openly as the priestess chanted,

"You are Eros and Psyche. Isis and Osiris. Salomon and Sheba. Twin souls destined to be together."

Ygraine grasped Uther's hand hard, and he said,

"Steady on, old gal," but she just stuttered,

"Isn't it beautiful? I want to get married again!"

Freya looked into Leon's eyes and said softly,

"I Freya, Psyche, Isis, Sheba open myself to you. I am Gaia, your fertile soil."

Morgana gave a low painful sound in her throat that made Gwaine grin. Percy on the other hand sighed deeply and clutched his hand. Leon said,

"I Leon, Eros, Osiris, Salomon cover your soil with my lifegiving rain. I am Uranus, Gaia's equal."

A song suddenly blasted out from loud speakers hidden in the bushes: _I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky!_

Arthur looked at Merlin in absolute horror, and Freya turned, hopping up and down,

"Surprise! It's our wedding song! Have you ever heard anything so quaint? It's so ... vintage, so us!"

Morgana put her sunglasses on and lit another cigarette, and Morgause sighed,

"Anymore bubbly?"

Ygraine stopped crying and jumped to her feet.

"It's Kylie!" she yelled. "I love that song! Remember, Uther?" She took his hands and started dancing a rather risky dance, and the priestess yelled out,

"Yes, exactly! Fertility dance! Everyone join in around the pole!"

Freya flung her arms around Leon's neck and laughed,

"I put it on a loop so it will play forever! Let's dance!"

Arthur stared straight ahead,

"Did she say on a loop?" He closed his eyes. "Just kill me now."


	27. I Should Be So Lucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second part isn't really much about the wedding but more about Merlin and Arthur being utter idiots.

Morgana broke away from the music. It was all too nauseatingly innocent and pure and _fun_. Where were the depraved orgies Cenred had promised her? Then she eyed George standing in the outskirts of the woods, looking at an acorn in his hand. She slunk towards him,

"Hello Georgie-porgie. You missed the nuptials."

He looked up and blushed. Then he said,

"Er, hello Morgana. Oh, I'm sorry. I must have become ... distracted."

"Isn't this the worst?" She looked around. Freya was dragging a reluctant Leon around a maypole in what she claimed was a fertility ritual, and Morgause was filming it all on her smartphone while cackling. Bastard Merlin had his hand on Arthur's bum, pretending to apply body paint while whispering filthy things in his ear, and Morgana saw with stunned surprise that Arthur actually was blushing. She groaned and turned her back on them. It occurred to her that people really ought to consider keeping their mating habits in the bedroom. George peered at her and then said,

"Up to a point."

She looked at him,

"What?"

"It was tedious up to a point. Then I found that a certain merriment started, provoked by the absurdity of it all, and I actually started enjoying myself."

She just stared at him.

"I have this thesis," he said. "That a human being can only obtain so much suffering in life before the brain filters it from the senses and then, as now, you grow numb."

She nodded,

"Numb seems to sum up how I feel right about now." She looked at her champagne glass, "Drinkey?"

"Oh no, but thank you," he said. "It is awful kind of you, but I am quite allergic to all kinds of alcohol."

"Oh yes, you said," she said and emptied the glass before she locked herself on his arm. "Like my allergy to gay Welsh men. Does your throat swell up or is it hives?"

"No," he dropped the acorn. "Nothing of the sort. I get these horrible headaches the day after. I throw up and I just wish to die." He looked at her face, "Did I say something funny?"

Gwen thought she heard Morgana laugh very loudly and frowned. Usually the sound of Morgana's laughter promised bad tidings. She turned to admire Lance and unconsciously touched her slightly rounded stomach. It would soon be impossible to hide her condition, especially in the skimpy cocktail dresses Ygraine insisted her servers wear, and then what? They couldn't survive on a bartender's salary alone. Not now they were going to be three...

She heard a gasp and saw Ygraine stare at her from across the moss covered clearing. She knew that look in her eyes and hurried to take her hand from her stomach, but it was too late. Ygraine, who until then had used her wide-brimmed hat to cover as much of Uther's chest as she could, left him and marched towards Gwen with the steely determination of an army general. She measured her with expert eyes and said,

"Three months?"

Gwen nodded mutely. Ygraine then circled her like a predator seizing up its dinner,

"In a few weeks you won't be able to wear the uniform."

Gwen sighed. Ygraine turned and looked at Lance who stared besotted at Arthur's tiny trunks,

"Your child will be gorgeous, of course. How will you manage, financially?"

Before Gwen could say anything Ygraine let out a gasp,

"Oh my god. You're going to have a _baby!_ " She pulled her into her arms, and Gwen, much to her own surprise, started to cry.

"Don't cry," Ygraine said with a wobbly voice. "This is going to be the best years of your life. A child! An eternal blessing! What gender do you want?"

A high pitched shriek of laughter sounded when an almost naked Elena ran past them followed by Cenred who had a multitude of leaves in his hair.

"It's not sex," he yelled. "It's religion."

Elena's answer was another delighted shriek. Ygraine sighed. Then she looked at Arthur who by then was painted to resemble a tree. He dipped both hands in green paint and looked at Merlin who giggled. Arthur said,

"Okay, bend over. It will only hurt a bit."

Ygraine moaned and turned again. George was standing flushed, holding Morgana's dress. She was now only wearing the tiniest of g-strings and said,

"Now take this green paint and just smear it all over my body."

George let out a nervous giggle but took the paint, trying not to stare at Morgana's chest. Ygraine patted Gwen's hand,

"Let's pray it's a girl."

Arthur pulled Merlin into the thicket.

"I want to remove every single smudge of paint with my tongue," he said. "Freya told me the paint was eatable."

Merlin grinned,

"You just want to get away from that song."

"No," Arthur said. "Well, yes. But I actually did a bit of research on pagan things." He looked very mischievous and Merlin said,

"Why do I suddenly feel like Little Red Riding Hood?"

"Well," Arthur said, wrapping his arm around his shoulders while he led him further into the woods. "You know I don't care a toss about religion."

"I know," Merlin said. "Your mother told me you were persona non grata in church."

"But I found this fun website about Pan. Apparently there this religion where you drink a lot of wine and then have sex! Now, if that was _my_ church I wouldn't miss a meeting!" Merlin laughed, but then he looked back at the clearing,

"You sure we're not going to be missed?"

They could hear the frail chorus chant: _I should be so lucky. Lucky, lucky, lucky,_ and Arthur moaned,

"For the love of god, just make it stop!"

Merlin took his hand and said,

"Don't you mean love of _Pan?_ "

Arthur's eyes lost the tortured look, and Merlin believed they turned a shade darker,

"Oh yes..." he took his hand and pulled him even further in between the trees.

"Tell me more about this newfound religion of yours," Merlin said teasingly.

"I'd rather much show you," Arthur said.

"As long as no one can hear us," Merlin said and looked back to where the clearing showed as an opening of light. "I'm not doing that again."

"I don't think anyone will be able to drown out Freya's hymn to marriage," Arthur said dryly. He pressed him against a tree.

"Now where were we?"

"Pan," Merlin said and smiled, just waiting for what Arthur was going to do.

"Oh yes," Arthur said softly. "Pan." He moved in and slowly kissed and nuzzled his neck. Merlin started chuckling,

"It tickles..."

Arthur said,

"Stop complaining. It's supposed to be arousing." He kissed his skin, using his tongue teasingly, and Merlin closed his eyes,

"I bet I can either spur you on or turn you off with a few words."

Arthur pulled back a little and grinned,

"I highly doubt any of that is possible." He kissed his ear. "I can't be any more excited than I am, and no words, no matter how foul, could stop me from wanting to have you right now."

"Is that right?" Merlin's eyes opened in a sparkle. "And you're sure about that?"

Arthur answered by pressing against him, causing Merlin to gasp a little. Arthur kissed him again, wrapping his arms around both him and the tree-trunk.

"Do it," he said and Merlin thought a little. Then he said,

"Elyan's shorts."

Arthur suddenly blushed red and Merlin laughed,

"See, I just created a sense memory. Don't tell me I dampened your desire?"

"Well, you did in fact," Arthur said and pressed against him again, showing him how much he lied. "Couldn't care to shag you, now."

"Pity," Merlin said. "I thought I might buy a pair of those shorts, myself." He saw Arthur's eyes sparkle at the thought. Then he stopped smiling,

"Okay, that was arousal. You got me. But what would act as a cold shower?"

Merlin let a hand glide down his back to where the diving trunks made a valiant attempt to cover Arthur up. He saucily let his hand slip under the thin fabric and grabbed a handful, which didn't exactly make Arthur less excited. Then Merlin moved his head and let his warm breath hit Arthur's neck, causing him to shudder.

"You're not doing a very good job of making me repulsed," Arthur whispered and Merlin laughed. He nuzzled against his skin and then kissed his ear before he pressed his mouth against it and murmured,

"Your father's white, hairy legs."

Arthur jumped away from him with horror on his face,

"Oh my god. You're sick!"

Merlin laughed and hurried behind the tree trunk. He peered out,

"Or perhaps your parents playing happy monk?"

Arthur, who had been standing quite stunned, suddenly looked very dangerous,

"What did you say?"

Merlin could hardly talk from laughter but still giggled out,

"Or what was it again? Wicca priestess and – " the rest of his sentence ended in a scream when Arthur jumped towards him. Merlin fled, breathless from laughing, and didn't dare look back where the crushing of branches told him he had awoken the wrath of the mighty Pendragon beast. The thought made him laugh again and apparently the sound infuriated Arthur who called out,

"Your arse's mine, Merlin Emrys!"

Merlin jumped over bushes, absolutely not interested in being caught before Arthur had had time to calm down. He had the advantage that he was lighter and more sinewy, but Arthur's legs were more muscular, and he could sense him gaining on him. Merlin plowed through a set of bushes that eerily reminded him of Pen Garden – and let out a yelp when he almost stumbled down a gorge. Behind him Arthur crunched through, and he yelled out,

"Be careful. It's – " when Arthur ran past him. He grabbed his arm and yanked him back, just as his feet were sliding on the soft soil leading down to a very steep plunge. Arthur held on to him, panting wildly and then gasped, staring at the waterfall streaming under them,

"Shit. It's bloody Niagara Falls!" He looked at him, still clutching his arms, "Thank you. You saved me."

"My pleasure," Merlin mumbled and then said a little tensely, "Arthur, you're hurting my arms."

"I know," Arthur said and went a little closer. "Now repeat what you just said about my parents?"

Merlin paused and then said,

"That you are a product of immaculate conception and your parents only hold hands in bed?" He couldn't resist placing his own hands on Arthur's chest, "Oh, you're all sweaty from running..."

Arthur took a deep breath,

"Okay, I can live with that story. What are you doing?"

"Oh, just finding out if that body paint really is eatable..." He pressed a kiss on Arthur's chest and heard him say a strange sound. Merlin kissed his skin again,

"You know I could get addicted to your smell."

Arthur closed his eyes and said,

"Really?"

Merlin noticed that he was breathing a little unevenly, and the grip of his arms loosened.

"Oh yes," Merlin purred. "When you're sweaty, you emit a scent I find quite irresistible." He let his mouth cover one of Arthur's nipples and felt him let go of his arms while he groaned. Instead his fingers slid down Merlin's arms.

"Can't wait to get home and break our bed," Merlin said and took one step back. Arthur froze and opened his eyes, and Merlin grin, " _I should be so lucky_..." Then he threw himself into the shrubbery again, and when he was out on the other side he stopped, expecting the crashing sound of a wildebeest to follow. But it was silent.

He stared at the bushes waving softly in the warm wind. Nothing.

"Arthur?" he called out but heard no answer. Merlin shook his head. "I know you're watching, you idiot." He turned and walked away, saying loudly, "I'll just go find Elyan, shall I, then?" He stopped and waited a little, but nothing happened. Then he walked towards the clearing, whistling: _I should be so lucky_ , just to annoy the childish git. If Arthur was hiding somewhere like the colossal baby he was, damn it if he would stay and scream his name like a needy child. He decided to go back and just wait for him there. _Idiot._

When he reached the clearing, he saw that everyone was sitting around a large table, eating something that smelled rather good. Merlin scanned their heads but knew Arthur couldn't be there. He felt cold. He had imagined he would just sit down and join them and ignore Arthur, perhaps even fetch his clothes from the car. Hell, he had even contemplated driving home to the hotel to let the son of a bitch fend for himself, but now... Merlin turned back into the woods and walked towards the gorge, but when he got closer, he suddenly stopped and felt a cold panic flick through his stomach. What if the idiot in his Mummy-Daddy phobia had manged to step back over the edge and fall down? What if he lay somewhere crushed on the rocks or drowning in where ever the waterfall ended? Merlin felt sick and hurried on, in the end running frantically. He fought his way through the bushes and stood staring at the empty spot where Arthur had been standing.

"Arthur?" he called again; this time frightened. "Where are you?" His voice echoed out over the valley. He looked down to see if there were marks from where he could have been slipping, but there were none. Merlin sat himself down far from the edge and slumped, suddenly sad. Then he heard a voice say from behind,

"Had enough?"

He looked up and saw Arthur stand with his most irritating smile, congratulating himself on a prank. Merlin just looked at him, finally able to breathe again, and Arthur stepped forward,

"You angry? It was just a joke. You should have seen you face running back and forth." He grinned. Merlin just looked away, and Arthur sat down next to him,

"Something happened? Cenred trying to lure you behind a bush?"

Merlin rolled his eyes but then shook his head,

"No I...just felt panicky all of a sudden." He sighed. "Wasn't a nice feeling."

Arthur sat trying not to smirk and failed. Finally he said,

"Is this a Welsh thing? You go to a wedding, have a good time and then end up depressing everyone?"

"I don't know," Merlin said. "Is it an English thing to be an utter prat who play games even a five year old would find childish?" He looked up into his eyes, trying to forget the feeling of horror when he couldn't find him, and Arthur stopped smiling,

"You're really serious, aren't you? You were scared?"

Merlin sighed,

"No, I knew you were watching all the - "

"I know. That wasn't what scared you in panic. Get it? _Pan_ -ic. They say being near the god Pan made you feel this way. Guess you see me as your god."

Merlin answered him the only reasonable way he could by hitting his arm hard.

"Ough" Arthur said, "Violent much? You missed me when I wasn't here."

Merlin just looked at him.

"And that scared you. That you like me so much, you can't live without me." Arthur looked very much in love with his own intellect.

"I'm leaving now," Merlin said calmly. "You just stay here and decide for me how I feel." He tried to get up, but Arthur held onto his arm,

"Don't go...please?"

Merlin hesitated but finally sat down and just stared at the waterfall. He then felt Arthur lean in and kiss his cheek.

"I'm sorry," he said. "It was a dumb game."

Against all reason Merlin's eyes teared up. He blinked the water away and said with a thick voice,

"Yes, it was."

"You looked so lost when you walked back. I regretted it then."

"I shouldn't have started it. It was a childish game," Merlin mumbled.

"Yes, you should. It was just for fun, and I went too far." Arthur managed to look somber, and Merlin nodded,

"Yes, okay. Let's blame you. Everything is your fault."

Arthur leaned his head against his,

"Then I better repent."

"Let me guess," Merlin said, still serious. "You want to ask forgiveness by offering me the gift of sex?"

Arthur looked at him,

"Sometimes it's uncanny how you read my mind."

"It would be more uncanny if I didn't," Merlin said. "You only have one word rattling around in there. Sex."

Arthur smiled,

"We must be twin souls. What was it the old dear was blabbering about? Eros and Psyche. Osiris and Iris."

"Isis. She's an Egyptian goddess."

"And Gaia and Ur-anus." Arthur giggled like a ten year old.

"Oh shut up," Merlin said and then Arthur kissed him, very softly and carefully. The sun was sinking, and Merlin shivered a little wearing next to nothing. Arthur broke the kiss, "We should go back. You're cold."

Merlin shook his head,

"I don't want to leave. I like it here, now..."

Arthur wrapped his arm over him,

"Then I better warm you." He gently turned his head up and kissed him again.

"Was that the most insane wedding you've ever been to?" Merlin said against his lips.

"Sadly no," Arthur said. "My family still holds that record. But it _is_ the first where the guests were invited to strip naked." He pushed him down and said, "Ours will be different."

Merlin looked up,

"Our wedding? Are you planning something already?"

Arthur smiled,

"Yes. And the first point on my list is: my Mother won't have a say." He caressed his cheek.

"Good luck with that," Merlin said and drew him down. They kissed and then Arthur said,

"I'm very serious." He tried to look the part. "No pink, no glitter, no ruffles at all."

"Poor Ygraine. Is she at least allowed to come as a guest?"

"If she behaves." He kissed him again. "Though I think we'd have a better time eloping." While he talked, he had hooked his fingers under Merlin's trunks, slowly pulling them down.

"I don't think I want to have your mother trailing us on our honeymoon," Merlin sighed and watched him remove his own and throw them in the grass. Merlin lay back, all mischievousness drained out of him. He wanted Arthur closer, wanted him draped over him, and his neediness worried him. His feeling must have shown on his face because Arthur stopped and said,

"What do you want?"

"I don't care as long as we have it indoors," he said. "I think nature's slightly overrated."

"No, I mean now. What do you want me to do?"

Merlin looked up at him and then reached up, slowly stroking his skin with his fingertips,

"I just want us to go soft. Can't take anything rough today." He locked eyes with Arthur and saw his eyes were unusual fluid; a moving ocean of emotions he for once couldn't read. Then Arthur lowered himself and kissed him softly before he pulled back a little, letting his fingers comb through his hair. Merlin reached up and lay his hand against his cheek, brushing his thumb tentatively over his mouth. Arthur kissed it and then said,

"Lie still." He moved down to fiddle with his running shoes, and Merlin saw that he had managed to tie a tiny plastic bottle in between the shoestrings. Their eyes met and they laughed. Arthur said,

"Always prepared," and bent down to kiss him once more. Then he moved further down and kissed his way in between his legs. Merlin just lay still with closed eyes. He could hear birds sing in the trees above; apparently this wasn't a sight that frightened them much. He smiled and then gasped as Arthur's fingers started caressing him slowly. The sound of the waterfall drowned out his rising moans as Arthur prepared him, and Merlin, who had decided to be zen like, soon abandoned any thought of sereneness and moaned out impatiently. Then Arthur crawled up again and kissed him, maddening slow, as always taking things he said at face value.

"You're allowed to move a _little_ ," Merlin whispered. "I'm not made of glass."

"You said soft," he kissed him again. "And we have time enough." He kissed him once again and let his fingers roam over his body. Merlin reached up and braided his fingers into his hair. He whispered,

"You're killing me with this," and Arthur purred against his throat,

"I'm worshiping you. I'm just taking my time."

"You're a sloth," he said. "Moving an inch every hour."

They kissed again, and Merlin felt their hard cocks pulse against each other.

"I want to enjoy this," Arthur whispered and moved against him, still just lying on him. Merlin let out a groan and bucked up against him,

"Oh god, you're evil." He closed his eyes, but Arthur touched his cheek with his finger,

"Look at me."

Merlin opened his eyes and looked into his eyes.

"I want it to last," Arthur said. "Never want us to finish."

Merlin smiled a little,

"We just stay here then, shagging in nature like Pan? Never going home?"

Arthur smiled then and kissed his way down. He worshiped his nipples and navel and further down, and took him in his mouth, not all of him, just the head. Merlin jerked up and Arthur removed his cock from his mouth,

"We have – " he said and Merlin interrupted,

"I know, I know. Time enough." He shuddered when Arthur kissed the head and then let go, moving up his body with the same slow movements. Merlin could hear from his breathing how aroused he was, but he apparently had a plan of torturing him. His thumbs brushed over his nipples, enticing them, sending tiny shocks of warmth through Merlin's body. His tongue swirled over the nipples again and again, and Merlin jerked up against him. He finally gained enough clarity of mind to wet his fingers in his mouth when Arthur wasn't watching, and then embraced his back, searching down between Arthur's buttocks. When he found it, he lingered, touching it gingerly and then saw Arthur's head jolt up. He stared at him; his eyes feverish and dark. Merlin moved one finger over the puckered skin, and Arthur groaned in his throat, still not letting go of his eyes. Merlin caressed it with circular movements, and Arthur closed his eyes and spread his legs.

"You utter b..." his voice trailed and Merlin whispered,

"Want me to stop?"

Arthur shook his head and kept his eyes shut. Merlin then whispered,

"You say when and I stop," and slowly pressed his finger against him. He had teased Arthur like this before but had never come so far. Arthur made a noise in agreement and swallowed, and Merlin let his finger penetrate him, ever so slightly. Arthur arched his back and roared,

"Fuck, it - "

"Burns?" Merlin suggested and Arthur gasped out a laugh. Then, as Merlin added another inch, he froze,

"No. Pull out, pull out!"

Merlin removed his finger, and Arthur breathed out. He looked a little surprised,

"I'm sorry. I just..."

"I know," Merlin said. "I've been there."

Arthur moved forward and kissed him again. Then he pulled back and looked him in the eye,

"One day I'll try it, but..."

Merlin smiled and caressed his face,

"Not now, no, I know."

Arthur grinned sheepishly,

"Didn't even know I had any limits?"

"Luckily, you're so very promiscuous in other areas." Merlin moved under him, and Arthur purred,

"Yes, I am. Aren't I?" He dipped his fingers in lube and lathered up before he took hold of Merlin's legs and placed them on his shoulders. He leaned down, and Merlin wrapped a hand around his neck, kissing him as Arthur slid into him, inch by inch. Arthur still took it slow, moving almost dreamily, and Merlin let out small puffs of breath that sounded like words.

"I know," Arthur whispered against his lips. "I know..."

Merlin moaned and then kissed him again, burying his fingers in his sweaty hair. His other arm was clutching Arthur's back, holding on to him. His hand spread out and the fingers pressing into his flesh. He was panting, getting near, but still wanted him closer. Arthur picked up speed and made his movements harder, plunging deeper. Merlin whispered in his ear, soft panting words he couldn't hear but understood, and Arthur moaned back, wanting to talk but was too far gone. Still he knew what he was trying to say.

"Arthur!" Merlin cried out and shuddered against him. "I’m - "

"Come," Arthur whispered against his ear. "Come for me." He moved against him a little harder than before, ramming into him, and Merlin came, explosively, without Arthur even touching his cock. Seconds after Arthur tensed up as he moved into him once more. He cried out as everything disintegrated before his eyes, only sensing Merlin's arms holding on to him, not letting go.

They stayed entwined after that, breathing hard, barely able to think. Then Arthur brought his legs down, and Merlin let out a soft moan. After a few seconds Arthur rolled them onto the side. Merlin's eyelids fluttered and Arthur whispered,

"Good thing I didn't roll the other way. Over the edge." He saw Merlin's mouth part in a beautiful smile while his eyes remained closed.

"But what a way to go," he whispered back. He sighed and then opened his eyes. Arthur reached out and removed a strand of dark hair from his face. Merlin moved closer, kissing his palm, and then he frowned,

"I think I'm lying on the car keys."

They walked back, slowly, hand in hand through the forest. When they came close enough to see the clearing, Arthur stopped horrified, and Merlin started to laugh. From behind the trees they heard: _I should be so lucky. Lucky, lucky, lucky..._


	28. Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mute Ygraine, black champagne and Goth waiters - yes, Morgana's getting married.

The invitation read:

_Arthur Pendragon is hereby invited to attend the wedding of Ms Morgana Le Fey this Friday at the bride's childhood home Tintagel Manor._

_**No** plus one. Dress code: Couldn't care less.._

Arthur texted her back:

 _Nice try._ _Merlin and I are joined at the hip._

Morgana wrote:

_I didn't know Merlin's arse sat on his hip. Anyway, he can't come. I hate him._

Arthur wrote:

_Diddums._

Morgana wrote:

_I fucking hate you too, you horny dog._

Arthur texted a heart.

Morgana texted a scull.

Merlin texted:

_I don't want to come, Morgana. I would rather eat my own foot. And stop sending me death threats, you stupid cow._

Morgana wrote:

_How dare Merlin say no to my wedding? You got your plus one, Arthur._

Arthur texted:

_Plus 2. Pirate wants to see you get wed._

Morgana texted a heart.

Ygraine sat in her best powder blue Chanel and stared out into the air.

"Ygraine?" Uther said again. She hadn't said a word all day. Not when the limousine arrived half past eleven at night, driving them the short way to the neighbouring mansion, nor when she was kissed by Vivienne and hugged inappropriately by Gorlois. She woke and said,

"Did you say something dear?"

He bit his lip,

"It's going to happen no matter what you and I say."

She sighed deeply and looked around for the first time,

"Good lord!"

The theme was black, and Morgana had been thorough in changing her mother's spacious pastel coloured hall into a Gothic castle. The curtains were pitch black, the candles in the candelabras likewise, and the Goth waiters were impossible to pin down gender-wise. They all carried silver trays around with glasses filled with a black substance.

"What on _earth_ is that?" Ygraine reluctantly took a glass.

"It's champagne with food colouring," the helpful Goth waiter revealed. "Morgana calls it Black Blood."

"What..." Uther sniffed his glass, "How did she get it so...dark?"

"Squid ink."

Ygraine gazed to her left where Arthur was draped over Merlin, kissing him thoroughly while doing indecent things with his hands.

"Normally, I would correct them," she said, "but frankly, I doubt anyone would mind here. Have you _seen_ some of the guests?"

Uther took a look back. Most of the guests were Morgana's friends and thus pale, chain smoking and dressed in black, but among them he saw faces he knew. Freya and Leon sat behind them, holding hands, still blissfully happy. Gaius sat opposite with his posse - Elena, Gwaine, Percy and - Uther raised an eyebrow, Freya's mother Clara. He turned to Ygraine who sighed and said,

"A midnight wedding. A black altar. Now we just need Morgana and the sacrificial lamb. Where did I go wrong as a mother?" She took a handkerchief from her purse and dabbed her eyes. Uther patted her leg,

"There, there, Pinky. He loves her, and ... we'll just have to hope for the best."

The priest stepped forward. He nodded to Vivienne, who wore an inappropriate white dress and very red lipstick, and Gorlois who stared lustfully at the young androgynous waiters. Then the priest locked eyes with Ygraine. He stepped up to her, took both of her hands in his and said,

" _Couráge_."

She took a deep shivering breath and nodded through tears. Cenred walked out of the vestry with Mordred and Elyan; all of them dressed in black. Arthur, who also wore a black suit, said,

"Excuse me," and went up to the altar. Ygraine wrapped an arm around Merlin and whispered,

"I'm so glad you're here with me."

All four men lined up, two on each side, and then a flustered George came out of the vestry. He went to stand next to Arthur,

"What if she doesn't come?"

Arthur smiled at him,

"She'll come. Morgana miss an entrance? Never."

George played with the black cravat around his neck,

"Oh god," he said. "I'm getting married." They both ignored Cenred making a quip of losing his virginity tonight, but George went from white to blushing red. Arthur raised an eyebrow,

"Really hope you love her."

George's face then broke into a smile,

"I do. She's...amazing. Kind, cheery and an excellent nature walker."

Arthur turned and stared,

"Are we still talking about _Morgana?_ "

George nodded seriously,

"We're going to Scotland on our honeymoon, so I can finish my thesis on the life cycle of weed grass." He looked pensive. "I wanted to go somewhere warm for her sake, but my sweet Dove said: _Your work comes first, Turtle._ "

Arthur noticed Cenred and Mordred gasped with laughter behind them. He said,

"Dove? Turtle?"

George smiled and removed his glasses, blinking up at him,

"That's our nicknames for each other."

Arthur looked across the room to where Merlin endured Ygraine's maternal clutches. He looked over to the other side where Morgana's parents sat with her huge family who stared terrified at their surroundings. Vivienne caught him looking at her inappropriate cleavage and formed her red mouth to a wicked kiss. Arthur hurried to look away. In the back Gwen was putting cheese puffs into her mouth, and Lance tried to get the bag away from her.

Suddenly a song started playing. Drums could be heard, and then Amy Winehouse belted out:

_He left no time to regret._

_Kept his dick wet._

_With his same old safe bet._

_Me and my head high._

_And my tears dry._

_Get on without my guy..._

Ygraine froze and stared up at Arthur. _She wouldn't!_ she mouthed and Arthur mouthed back,

 _She did_.

As _Back to Black_ filled the hall, and Gorlois nodded his head to the rhythm, the doors at the end opened, and Morgana revealed herself. Her wedding dress was everything Ygraine feared it would be. It was black, looked like a leather corset trimmed with red silk at the top and showed a lot of cleavage. Her nails matched her black lipstick, and in her left hand, she carried a bouquet of black orchids. Her bridesmaid Morgause had poured herself into a silvery dress and wore black rhinestone sunglasses, black gloves and a matching cigarette holder. Ygraine gasped and Clara hid her eyes at Gaius's shoulder.

As Morgana slunk up the isle, dragging a long silky train after her that if you looked carefully had a simmering skeleton imprint, Merlin noticed she had Pirate walking calmly next to her on a leash. The pony wore an eye patch that Morgana, surprisingly considerate, had made a hole in. Merlin looked up at the altar where the priest had opened his mouth to welcome the bride, but not a word came out. Arthur went over and took the leash from her. He kissed her cheek and said,

"Forgot your bullwhip, Dove."

She smirked,

"Packed for the honeymoon, Prat."

He shook his head and led the tiny pony over to Merlin where he tied it to the radiator. A basket of carrots that had escaped the black squid ink waited for him. Arthur then sat down and traded a glance with Merlin.

"Okay," Merlin said. "At least it's a look."

"She'll make a splash on the cover of Gothic Bride," Arthur said and turned surprised when Ygraine burst into tears. George put his glasses back on and blushed when he saw Morgana approach as Amy repeated the word _Black_.

"Like a black cobra hypnotising a dormouse," Arthur whispered and Merlin tried not to smile. When Morgana reached George, it started to roar with thunder outside the windows, and Arthur giggled,

"Mummy, control yourself," and received a slap on the knee. The priest cleared his throat.

"Now the, er, _lovely_ bride has joined our midst, the ceremony can begin. Come children," he said. George eagerly joined hands with Morgana who sent the priest a murderous stare for his condescending tone.

"Get on with it," she hissed. George looked at her with slightly misty glasses and mouthed,

"I love you."

Morgana turned and they couldn't see her face, but George lit up in a huge smitten smile. Ygraine started crying again.

"We are gathered here today to wed this woman and this man..."

A thunderclap drowned out the priest, and Merlin looked over at Pirate who munched carrots without even moving his ears.

"Do you have the rings?" the priest said, looking nervously at the nearest window. George turned to Cenred who said,

"Er, I gave them to Gwaine."

Everyone looked down to see Gwaine whisper something to Percy.

"Gwaine!" Morgana roared in her best Queen of the Night-voice, and they flew apart. "Where is my ring?"

Gwaine yelled back,

"Er, I gave them to Mordred?"

They turned to Mordred who stopped glancing admiringly at Elyan,

"Oh yes." He rummaged through his pockets, "Wait..." he looked at Elyan. "Am I wearing your trousers?"

"You wish," Elyan said and Cenred snorted.

"I think I am ... we, ahem, _changed_ in the car, remember?"

Elyan searched in his pockets but then shrugged,

"I don't have them. Perhaps they fell out while we ... _changed_ clothes."

Morgana lost it,

"Oh, you fucking horny – "

"Morgana!" Vivienne stood up. "Not in a church!"

"It's not a church!" Morgana yelled. "We're _home!_ And those bloody cretins are destroying _my_ wedding just because they had to shag in the _bloody_ car!" She stomped her feet.

"The priest's still here, pet, so I have to agree with your mother on that one," Gorlois said. "I'm sorry, vicar. She can be a little high strung."

The vicar smiled mildly. He had after all known Morgana since she was born.

"We have to search the car," Elyan said and Mordred agreed a little too eagerly.

"No you don't. I have them," Arthur stood up. Merlin looked at him surprised when he held a tiny box in the air.

"You had it _all the time?_ " Morgana dropped her voice and walked towards him with murder in her eyes.

"Well, yes," Arthur said. When she reached out her hand, he lowered his voice, "I guess karma’s a bitch."

"Arthur!" Ygraine said and pulled him down to sit. "It's her wedding day!"

Morgana snarled,

"Just you wait..." and stalked up to the altar. "Here!" She threw the box to the priest. "Now continue."

As the priest announced them husband and wife, a thunderclap sounded outside the window and lightning lit up the sky. George squealed and jumped into Morgana's arms that closed protectively around him. Morgana at that moment never looked happier. The rain then started pouring down worse than before, and Ygraine cried again.

"Well, she always wanted her own bunny to torture," Arthur said dryly.


	29. Caught

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin and Arthur have their biggest fight yet at Mordred's and Elyan's wedding night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I'm trying to add a little plot into the eccentric story again. Not quite sure I managed it.

The invitation was covered in rainbows and little sticker hearts:

_Mordred and Elyan are getting hitched!!!_

**Location:** _PEN garden._ **Time** : _Saturday, Baby. Noon. Be there!_ **Dress code** _ **:** Pink. _**Mood** : _Fabulous._ **Drinks** : _Duh, yaaass!_

Merlin stood in the garden and relished the fresh air. The wedding had been Mordred's dream come true: the vicar wore a dog collar, there were pink hearts everywhere, and Ygraine, dressed in an explosion of fluorescent pink taffeta, wept when Elyan and Mordred, modestly dressed in sparkling silver tuxedos and pink plastic horns, promised each other eternal love and passion.

Ygraine had been stunned when Arthur asked if she might not actually enjoy just being a guest instead of arranging his wedding some weeks later? She hadn't spoken to him since but had instead thrown herself into arranging Elyan's and Mordred's wedding. High disco sounds now throbbed out from inside PEN, and an inflated unicorn flew high up in the air tied to a rope made out of glow-in-the-dark condoms. Gwen, whose morning sickness had magically gone away, had help Ygraine decorate and had produced rainbow coloured cut outs of the number 1%.

Merlin looked around the garden and remembered their night there. He had stepped out to get away from the sight of Arthur dancing with Elyan. Merlin knew they were friends, but even countless drinks couldn't mask the feeling that dancing _that_ close with a former lover was plain wrong. He took a deep breath. _Bloody Arthur. Insensitive swine._ They had been closer than ever after Freya and Leon's wedding, but lately Arthur had seemed to drift back to his old carefree ways...

"Hi!"

Merlin turned and saw a tall dark man stand with a drink in his hand. He braced himself for the same pick up lines he had been showered with the last 3 hours. _Haven't we met before?_ or _Nice weather for a stroll to the loos_ , or worse, _Are you as horny as me?_ Instead the stranger said,

"Are you okay?"

Merlin smiled though he didn't feel like it,

"What? Yes, of course. Why do you ask?"

The man shrugged,

"No reason, other than you've been staring at the same spot for twenty minutes, looking sad."

"It could be worse," Merlin said more lightly than he felt.

"Yeah, how?" the stranger said and stepped closer, trying to get eye contact.

"I could be standing for twenty minutes watching a complete stranger stare at the ground." He smiled impishly, and the man laughed and moved a few extra steps closer,

"Touché. You work here, don't you? I think I've seen you behind the bar?" He tugged a lock of dark hair behind his ears and Merlin nodded,

"I do...and I have a boyfriend."

The handsome dark haired man nodded,

"Duly noted. I remember a glimpse of a big blond guy draped over you, once." He sipped his drink and then looked up through his eyelashes. "I'm Adam by the way."

"Merlin." He paused when the other smiled and said, "Yes, deliver joke here."

"Oh no, it's beautiful and unusual. Fits you perfectly." Adam smiled, and Merlin looked down and blushed. Okay, somehow this had turned to flirting.

"And I heard you and the boyfriend were getting married, too?" He pointed at the pink sign over the garden door leading in to PEN. It read:

_So **fucking** married. Because we can!_

"Yes, but knowing Arthur it will be nothing like this. This is all his mother's handiwork." He saw Adam's surprise,

"Arthur? Arthur Pendragon's your boyfriend? Oh, big and blond, of course. I should have recognised him." He shook his head. " Just never thought he would end up working for his Mum." He creased his lip, "Then you better get as far away from me as you can."

"Oh? Are you dangerous?" Merlin measured him, and Adam smiled,

"Arthur seems to think so. We dated a little way back at school."

Merlin gaped,

"What? You and him?"

"Yes, then I unfortunately had a little fling, and suddenly he was gone." Adam's eyes for a moment revealed an old hurt, then he blinked and it disappeared.

"Hard to believe," Merlin said. "Arthur's the biggest flirt there is. And happily promiscuous."

Adam smiled,

"Oh yes, but he keeps his boyfriends on a much tighter leash. You must have noticed?"

Merlin hesitated, but Adam seemed perfectly at ease with sharing memories so why not?

"He is a little jealous. But I can do what I want. He doesn't own me." In his head he continued. _Probably wouldn't notice these days_...

"Really?" Adam's eyes sparkled. "Then he must have changed." He placed his drink on a table where the legs were shaped like giant golden dildos and said, "So, you could kiss me now, and he wouldn't mind?"

Merlin laughed,

"Er, _I_ might mind?"

"Why," Adam presented himself with open arms, "Am I that ghoulish?"

"No," he gave him a deliberate look over. "Not at all. But I don't sleep around."

"Who said anything about sex?" Adam leaned in, and Merlin could feel the warmth from his breath on his lips. "It's just a kiss. More innocent than your blond boyfriend right now gyrating on the dance floor with one of the bridegrooms."

Their eyes met and Adam continued,

"But Arthur always _did_ expect a higher moral behaviour from his partners than he showed them."

Merlin felt anger ignite in him. Still he shook his head,

"It wouldn't be right."

Adam shrugged but then said,

"Admiring your loyalty. Hope he deserves it." He patted his arm and went back into PEN. Merlin remembered his drink and downed it in one gulp. It burned through his body, and he realized that Adam's words had been affecting him. He was aroused and angry, which was a lethal combination.

"Hello babe," a smooth voice said, and he was caught in a warm embrace from behind. He turned and fought off Cenred.

"Oh, it's you."

"Yes, sorry. Lover-boy's too busy slow dancing with his ex." He stuck out his pink tongue and wet his lower lip.

"Shut up," Merlin said sourly but Cenred continued,

"Why don't you go in there and part them? Having slow sex on the dance floor with Elyan reflects badly on your relationship."

Merlin closed his eyes,

"They had a lot to drink. Both of them. Tomorrow they won't remember a thing."

"But you bloody will...and Mordred too. He just left after breaking a dozen glasses like a proper diva. Not that they noticed. They were too deep in each other's tonsils."

Merlin looked up,

"What? They _kissed?_ " He stared at Cenred.

"And then some. They’ll end up having sex in the loo if you don't stop them." He watched him carefully but looked a little startled when he saw tears build up in Merlin's eyes.

"Are you crying?"

"No..." Merlin wiped his eyes angrily. "Of course not," he sniffed. "Just...tired."

"Oh, you really love him, don't you?" Cenred let out a juicy oath, "Arthur is the biggest dick who ever dragged his knuckles across PEN's dance floor."

Merlin mumbled,

"I agree."

"Here," Cenred gave him a tissue from his leather jacket.

"Ta." He wiped his face and breathed in deeply. Cenred then lay a heavy arm across his shoulders,

"And here I planned on getting you drunk and angry enough to at least kiss me so Arthur would walk in on us." He looked at him, "I can't do that when you're crying."

"I'm not crying," Merlin cried.

"Listen..." Cenred suddenly looked very sneaky. "I have a lifetime's experience of making Arthur's life miserable. I could teach you a trick or two. Why don't we go down the street to a little breakfast nook I know? We can call Mordred and have him join us."

Merlin paused and then said,

"It's half past two at night."

Cenred shrugged,

"They're open all hours when you know the cook. We'll order a fatty breaggie to soak up the booze and send Arthur some very sexy selfies?"

Merlin looked into his eyes and then tried to smile,

"Okay."

The first selfie from Cenred buzzed in on his phone at 3 AM. Arthur, who had his hand deep in Elyan's back-pocket answered his phone with his left hand but quickly sat up. The picture showed his younger brother kissing Merlin passionately. The caption read:

_Always liked the taste of taffy._

Arthur brushed off Elyan's advances and felt a roaring anger explode in his body. He texted Merlin:

_Where the hell are you!!!!!_

He answered with a selfie. Merlin sat back with his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open. Arthur's hand shook when he saw Cenred's long legs stick out from under the table. _What the hell_...

Elyan drunkenly sang along to his and Mordred's wedding song: _Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me..._

Arthur sat still, hunched over his phone. Hours of drinking were quickly burned away by the righteous fire roaring inside him. He had to kill them both, of course, but it was difficult if he didn't know where they were. _Right._ First find them, castrate Cenred, then kill Merlin. Doable plan.

The next selfie came from Cenred. It showed Merlin and Mordred locked in a passionate kiss. Morded was lying on an upholstered bench of some sort while Merlin was resting between his opened legs. Arthur's hand shook holding the phone.

"Elyan?"

"Yeah, babe?" Elyan rested his head on his arm, his eyes closed.

"Look at this." He held the screen in front of him, and suddenly he felt his body freeze up,

"What the fuck? We're married!" He yanked out his own phone and called Mordred. Then he looked at Arthur, "He's not answering..." His jaw worked,

"I'll kill him. I'll kill them both."

A selfie buzzed in on Arthur's phone again. This time Cenred was pulling the shirt over the head of a man with creamy white skin. Arthur lost it and threw his phone into the mirror behind the bar so it crashed. He heard his mother yell,

"I saw that, Arthur! You're paying for a new one!"

Then he stopped. _Shit._ He knew where he had seen that bench before.

They drove up in front of the breakfast nook with screeching breaks and saw Cenred bolt out the door. Elyan ran inside while Arthur stopped to roar,

"I'll fucking kill you, you slimy toad!" Then he heard yelling from inside the shop. When he ran inside, he saw Elyan and Merlin rolling around on the floor while Mordred sat without his shirt on and looked a little too happy.

"I'll kill you!" Elyan roared, and Arthur quickly realised Merlin would be in serious danger if he didn't step in. He dove in and grabbed Elyan from behind as he sat on Merlin. Then he lifted him up and held him in a vice,

"Elyan!"

Elyan stopped struggling and panted instead,

"Let me go!"

"You want to blame someone, blame your slutty husband," Arthur snarled back. "Not mine!"

Merlin got to his feet and hissed,

"Ha!" He took his jacket on and glanced at Mordred who looked frightened and horny at the same time.

"If I let you go, will you calm the fuck down?" Arthur said into Elyan's ear, and the intimate gestured made Merlin even more angry,

"I'm going." He looked at Mordred again, "Are you coming or what? Let's go find Cenred." His words made Arthur release Elyan, and Mordred tongued his cheek while he looked at Elyan and said dreamily,

"I think I'm going home with my husband."

Elyan blinked and then took two long steps before he wrapped his arms around him. They kissed deeply, and Merlin said,

"Goodbye."

Arthur reached out and grabbed his arm,

"You're coming home with me."

"The hell I am," Merlin mouthed back and turned away, but Arthur wrapped both arms around his chest and forced him out of the shop. Merlin yelled at him, calling him every name in the book, but Arthur just slammed him against the car and opened the front door.

"Get in," he snarled.

"Fuck off," Merlin snarled back.

"Get in or I'll go back in there and work out my anger on Mordred."

Merlin's eyes flickered, but still he said,

"Be my guest!" and Arthur lowered his voice to a menacing low,

"If you don't come home with me _right now,_ I'll find Cenred and cut off his dick. And I mean it this time."

Merlin sent him an evil look but finally got into the car. Arthur slammed the door and marched around to the driver's seat. The car started with a roar. They didn't speak at all on the way home.

When the car stopped, Merlin stormed out and into their building without looking at Arthur. He heard the front door slam angrily minutes after he had opened it, turned and watched Arthur throw his keys on the table in the corridor.

"Interesting behaviour when you are engaged." He sounded strangely calm but it could be an act.

"I could say the same," Merlin spat out. Arthur sighed dramatically,

"We were at a gay wedding. There were drinks. We were just having fun."

"Yes, so I noticed," Merlin retorted, and Arthur huffed,

"You could have joined in instead of sulking alone in the garden."

"I didn't think there was room for more than one tongue in Elyan's mouth!" Merlin yelled and Arthur, for once, looked a little shameful,

"Okay...Okay. I admit that was stepping over the line."

Merlin taunted him,

"Really? You think?"

Arthur's jaw tightened,

"But so was kissing my brother."

"It was a joke," Merlin said irritated. "To get back at you."

"Don't care. You still fucking _kissed my brother!_ " Arthur roared. Merlin went into the living room and sat down on the sofa. He closed his eyes and then felt Arthur sit down next to him, far too close. He tried to move but was held back.

"Fuck you," he said tiredly.

"We need to be exclusive," Arthur suddenly said, and Merlin turned surprised,

"What?"

"It fucking hurts too much seeing you with...anyone. We need to be monogamous." He nodded to himself. Merlin, who already was planning on moving out, blinked and then looked at him,

"Don't tell me you still think we're getting married?"

Arthur looked at him surprised,

"Of course I do." He then looked worried, "Don't you want to marry me anymore?"

Merlin took a deep breath and knew his silence was torture for Arthur. Still he had to think. Arthur leaned in and kissed his silent mouth. Then he moved back and whispered,

" _Please_ look at me."

Merlin turned and their eyes met. Then he looked down and sighed, knowing he was defeated.

"I love your sighs," Arthur purred and pulled him into his embrace. He wrapped his arms around him and kissed him. Still holding him he whispered, "Sorry," and rested his forehead against Merlin's. Merlin sighed deeply and whispered,

"I'm sorry too."

When Arthur pulled back he said,

"I'll just have to cover every inch of you where Cenred and Mordred's been touching you."

Merlin smiled against his lips,

"Then we won't have sex tonight..." He saw the understanding in Arthur's eyes give way to joy,

"I'm always willing to venture into untouched territory. Lets start with this shirt." He unbuttoned Merlin's shirt before he pulled it off him. Then he slowed down to kiss him again.

"Talking about territory," Merlin said and leaned in when Arthur kissed his neck. "I want to claim this sofa back from Elyan." He looked at him through his eyelashes, and Arthur said,

"How do you want me?"

"On your back," Merlin said. "So I can ride you." He blushed a little. Arthur's eyes widened and then he removed his own clothes frantically while Merlin yanked off trousers and underpants. He walked naked into the bedroom and found the lube, then said from the doorway,

"Do we need condoms?" His voice was a little strained, but Arthur said,

"No way," and he smiled. He saw Arthur lie stretched out on the sofa, more than ready for him, and squirted some lube out in his hand. He sat down on the sofa and let his hand close around Arthur's hard cock. Arthur let out a moan and jerked up his hips,

"Don't play to much with it. I've been hard ever since I saw you and Mordred kiss."

Merlin grinned,

"That got to you?"

"Unlike you and Cenred," Arthur said. "That was a cold shower. Merlin, stop or I'll come."

Merlin reluctantly let go of Arthur's cock and stood up. He took some more lube and put one leg up on the sofa, working one slick finger inside. He head a muffled sound from Arthur and met his eyes. Then Merlin added one more finger, and Arthur closed his eyes and breathed unevenly. Merlin pulled out his fingers and added more lube.

"Three," he then said. "Look at me, Arthur."

Arthur opened his eyes, and Merlin inserted the third finger,

"It feels so good...one day I'll like to do it to you."

Arthur nodded and his eyes showed lust mingled with fear.

"But not today," he croaked.

"No. You'll have to beg me first," Merlin said with a little breathless smile. He pulled his fingers out and said, "Okay...never done _this_ before."

The uncertainty in Arthur's eyes disappeared, and he caressed his thighs with a grin,

"Up in the saddle."

Merlin straddled him and looked down into his eyes. He took a deep breath,

"I've seen it done," he raised an eyebrow, "but..."

"It's the best feeling ever," Arthur said. "Trust me."

Merlin smiled and raised himself up on his knees. He reached down and grabbed Arthur's cock. He led it up between his parted thighs and lowered himself over it, feeling its slick hardness enter him with some difficulty. Merlin let out a moan as it filled him little by little. Arthur said a muffled sound but otherwise lay still, just watching his chest, his nipples hardening, his cock swelling. Merlin lowered himself, wincing, but then moved up, moaning as the whole length of Arthur's cock left him and then groaned more as he sat down, letting it ram into him again. He felt hands grasp his hips hard. Arthur bucked up and Merlin moved forward, resting his elbows on either side of him. He kissed him, and Arthur moaned,

"Oh god," into his mouth. Merlin gasped out,

"God, this position..." and moved back, feeling Arthur's pulsing length fill him like never before. He sat up and started riding him rhythmically, impaling himself on Arthur's cock. The burn felt different; deeper and more intimate. Their eyes met, and Merlin let out a wordless sound. He felt vulnerable, laid out for Arthur's eyes but he liked it. Arthur bucked up just then, and the change of angle made his cock hit something inside him that made Merlin arch his back and cry out.

"You like that?" Arthur said, his voice thick. He bucked up as Merlin moved down, and it happened again. Merlin cried out,

"Yes! Oh my god, yes!" and Arthur closed his eyes, moving his hips again. Merlin shuddered and closed his eyes. Leaning back, he rested his hands on the sofa, moving rhythmically up and down, no longer in control but being ridden roughly by Arthur's thrusting. Every buck hit the same sweet spot in him that made him incoherent. He couldn't take more of that feeling. It felt like the blood in his veins was boiling hot lava, but Arthur kept thrusting, and Merlin just held on for dear life, feeling a sensation he had never felt before. He arched his back even more and cried out again, wishing it to stop but never wanting it to end. He felt Arthur's one hand leave his hip and slide down his stomach. Merlin leaned forward, seeking out his hand, and the changing of angles sent a new electric shock through his body that made him shiver. Arthur's hand sought out his leaking cock. He grabbed it, pulling it rhythmically, and groaned as the sensation made Merlin press harder around his cock. Merlin whispered helplessly,

"Coming..." but Arthur gasped,

"Wait for me," He started thrusting up harder, making Merlin moan again. Arthur looked at him. Merlin was shaking, on the verge of coming. His eyes were closed, and sweat drenched down his body. Every thrust made him sway, gasping out a quivering sound. _His_.

Arthur grabbed his hips again, pulling him down on his cock while he thrust up, and Merlin cried out as he entered him with double force. He came without warning, explosively, over Arthur's stomach with his head thrown back, gasping out. Arthur bucked again and then shuddered himself, coming inside the warm snug body of his lover.

Merlin fell forward, exhausted, lying against Arthur's chest. He breathed with difficulty, and Arthur just held him in a wordless, breathless caress.

"You didn't faint again?" he then whispered and felt the warm breath on his chest when Merlin laughed.

"Not quite," he whispered. "Just..." he let the sentence trail and hid his face in Arthur's neck.

"Yes," Arthur said. After some time he rose up, still carrying Merlin who clung to him, mumbling,

"This is not at all weird."

Arthur stood still in the hall,

"Right. Bedroom or shower?"

Merlin raised his head from his neck,

"Could do with a shower." He yawned. "But I'm too tired to stand." He kissed his neck lazily.

"Luckily I'm not," Arthur said and walked into the bathroom. He ran the faucet and stepped under the water. Merlin let out a purr when the warm water hit them and hugged Arthur a little closer.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," Arthur said and kissed him. After a little while he turned off the water and grabbed a few towels. Then he carried him into the bedroom and put him on the bed. Merlin lay on his back and looked up at him,

"So, we're exclusive then?"

Arthur stopped toweling him and met his eyes. Then he smiled,

"Yes."

Merlin smiled too and closed his eyes. As the toweling continued, he said,

"This is actually quite erotic..." He looked up at Arthur who dried himself off in between massaging him with the towel. "Sure it's still just to get me dry?"

"No," Arthur admitted. "I like touching you all over." He threw the towels out into the bathroom and moved up on the bed where he pulled the duvet over them and wrapped his arms around Merlin.

"You..." Merlin suddenly said as they lay face to face. "pulled away from me these last weeks." He felt Arthur tense up but decided this was as good a time as any.

"Yes," Arthur said. "Guess you weren't the only one scared that day in the woods."

Merlin looked at him,

"What?"

"The things I said? You discovered how much you would miss me? Perhaps...I was describing myself." He blushed a little and avoided his eyes. Merlin caressed his face but didn't say anything.

"This...thing with Elyan...Guess I was just proving to myself I wasn't caught." He looked at Merlin and moved closer. They kissed slowly, dreamily. When they pulled back, Merlin said softly,

"And are you? Caught?"

Arthur let his hand glide through Merlin's dark hair,

"Yes. Yes I am."


	30. It's Just Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eh...where Morgause is getting wed. And Merlin and Arthur have sex. In a hospital.

_**Invitation to Morgause Le Bois' Wedding** :_

_You will be picked up by a carriage, blindfolded and moved to your destination._

_You will not scream. (Mordred)_

_You will not remove the blindfold. (Merlin)_

_You will not dress in black (Morgana), pink (Ygraine) or grey (Clara)._

_You will find a lit candle for your journey._

_Write your wish for food here: ______________________

_Order unicorn and I will slaughter you. (Arthur)_

Ygraine and Uther walked past unlit torches when she let out a high squeak,

"What was that? Scurrying over the wall?"

Uther raised the red candle they had been given after the blindfolded coach ride brought them to an overgrown walkway,

"I didn’t see anything?"

It was damp and dark, in fact it really _was_ a dark and stormy night, and Ygraine had complained for five minutes about not being able to see the path leading up to the unknown place.

"And how Morgana cursed all the way up. I could hear her clearly from the other carriage. Poor Georgie."

"He seems happy enough," Uther said placidly. "There we are. Well, I'll be damned."

"Uther!" Ygraine hissed. "Not in front of a church."

It actually turned out Morgause intended to be wed in a church. Which was quite a shock for everyone invited. Ygraine shook her head,

"If anyone had told me this day would come..." She looked around as they entered, "And of course it’s a _Gothic_ church. How morbid." She looked out over the guests,

"There are Arthur and Merlin, thank god. What _is_ he doing to him? Arthur, stop that! It's a church!"

After they had found their places among their shivering friends, the priest arrived, looking, to Ygraine, suspiciously non clerical. He cherfully summoned Catrina, Elena, a massively pregnant Gwen, Nimueh and Cenred up to the altar. Everyone were dressed in red, and Ygraine whispered loudly so everyone could hear her,

"I'm just saying it's heathen. At least Morgana's devil worship ceremony was with a _proper_ priest." She scrutinized what looked like a heathen altar with a massive heap of blood red roses weighing it down. "I mean, we are C of E." She sat still for a second and then said, "I still think it's wrong. My presence here is only because Morgause's poor parents are _very_ good friends of mine. I do not condone it one bit. It's a mockery of the holy union tying two loving souls together."

"Oh mother," Arthur sighed next to her, clutching Merlin's hand. "This is the sanest wedding I have been to this summer. Don't be so bloody narrow minded."

Ygraine gasped out,

" _Me?_ I'm the most tolerant, open minded, accepting person – " Then music started playing, and she was distracted, "Oh, it's Kate Bush! Oh, I _love_ her. Who knew Morgause had such a refined taste. What song is this again?"

"The sensual world," Morgana purred darkly behind her and chuckled when Ygraine froze. "You want to hear the lyrics?"

"No thank you, dear," she said and straightened her back. "I already know them. Let's just listen to the music. Thankfully it's all instrumental." Behind her Morgana started singing,

" _Going deep South, go down, mmh, yes_..."

Ygraine closed her eyes, and George said,

"You have such a beautiful voice, dear."

"She _had_ to choose the one indecent Kate Bush song there is," Ygraine said to Uther. "Why am I even surprised?"

Uther said,

"What dear? Kate Bush? Oh yes. Nice...in that video about the grandma. Very, er, warrior like." He looked dreamily out into the dim church.

"Yes, exactly, why not _Wuthering Heights_ or _Babooshka?_ Such jolly nice uplifting songs."

Merlin said,

" _Wuthering Heights_ would fit the the drive up. It was all very _Heathcliff on the moors_."

Uther looked at him surprised,

"You removed the blindfold?" and Arthur scoffed,

"Of course we did. I don’t trust Morgause one bit."

Around them people still shivered in their damp clothes. Then Nimueh lit a long match and threw it into the fireplace that came to life with a roar and soon sent warmth out in every corner of the church.

"I _knew_ that girl was a witch," Arthur said. "She could twist her body into shapes I'd never heard of."

"One more remark like that, and I will twist you into a shape you never heard of," Merlin said dryly, and Uther laughed.

Morgause came walking down the aisle by herself, dressed in a see-through red lace dress that made Ygraine clutch her chest. She carried a bouquet of small, white flowers that on closer inspection were tiny sculls. Morgause took Cenred's hand with her left hand and Nimueh's hand with her right and brought them both to her lips, smiling provocatively. Ygraine fumbled for her handkerchief and dabbed her eyes.

" _Really?_ " Morgana said dryly behind her, and Ygraine shook her head,

"You young people are all made of stone these days." Her chin wobbled. "It is so beautiful. Morgause actually looks stunning, and Cenred's _so_ dashing. I remember when I bought his first suit. Demanded to have one just like Uther. He was _five_. And now see him, getting wed. And even Nimueh looks quite lovely." She collapsed in convulsions, and Morgana sang,

" _Is this the little boy at play_..."

Uther woke up eagerly,

" _That_ song I know!"

Arthur took Merlin's hand and said,

"Of course with two girls, Cenred probably won't be bored. Much."

Because everything in Morgause's mind worked counterclockwise, she had decided that her stag night, which she had made clear should _not_ be referred to as a hen-night, would be held the day _after_ the wedding, which was also Merlin and Arthur's stag night.

"Tomorrow, it's best we don't get separated," Arthur said into Merlin's ear. They sat on the sofa, watching television, and Merlin said,

"I’m all for sticking to you," and Arthur looked at him with a slow lazy smile, then nuzzled his neck, drawing out a satisfied purr.

"I mean it. When you drink you get a little...wild," Arthur said and Merlin looked up at him,

"Me? I can hold my drink." He heard Arthur laugh and frowned, "What?"

"Let’s just say spending a night sober with you pissed out of your wits, made me swear never to go boozing with you again."

Merlin looked at him,

"I don’t remember that at all. When was that?"

"No wonder, considering how much you drank. It was the night before we went to Camelot. Your _first_ stag night. Apparently a large amount of drinks turn you into jelly."

Merlin shook his head and prudently bit into a crisp,

"You have quite the imagination."

"We are divided into Team 1 and Team 2. You'll be on one each." Morgause said.

"What?" Arthur said. "No, I don’t think it's wise of us to separate."

"Nonsense," Mordred said. "You can straddle him every night after this, but the groom can't see the groom at the stag night."

"I thought that was the bride in her wedding dress?" Merlin said.

"It’s the gay version," Elyan said. "So here it is. We made a treasure hunt. On Arthur's team there's Morgana, Mordred, Elena and Percy, and on Merlin's team it's me, George, Cenred and Gwaine. Nimueh and Catrina will be at PEN receiving the coins you find for finding a post first, and Gwen will be the head judge because she needs to keep her feet up. Lance and Morgause will accompany each team and oversee there's no cheating, no biting and no bitching."

"Then who will oversee Morgause?" Arthur asked and she turned to ogle him,

"I'm assigned to your team, Artie-my-lad, and I can give you minus points starting now so better start puckering up to me."

"We'll go on foot," Elyan continued, "looking for treasure clues. At each treasure, there will be drinking. The ones who find most treasures will be the most drunk and subsequently win the big prize."

"Which is?" Arthur said, fearing the worst said.

"Alcohol of course," Elyan grinned. "Let's go!"

Three hours later, the treasure hunt had collapsed into semi-naked dancing and giggling drunkenness. Both teams arrived in one mixed group, pooling their treasures together in one bag because no one could remember why they should stay separated. When they tumbled into PEN, they were met by Nimueh who slurred out,

"Help, we have a slight problem. Gwen's about to pop."

They heard a light moan, and Lance woke from his stupor, hanging over Percy's naked shoulder,

"Gwen? What's wrong?" He stumbled and fell and then unsuccessfully tried to get up. Arthur walked uneasily after the sound, almost carrying a legless Merlin, and the others followed him. Catrina stood flushed, hovering helplessly over Gwen who held her stomach and groaned.

"Oh thank god!" Catrina yelled drunkenly. "She's gonna die!"

"Piffle," Gwen growled on the floor. "Just. Having. A. Baby - Oh god!"

"I want to sit on the floor, too," Merlin said and let his legs collapse under him. Arthur held him up and groaned, "Oh no, you don't."

Merlin looked down at Gwen,

"She's pregnant!"

Lance went to his knee all bare chested and tussled and yelled,

"My beloved!" into Gwen's ear. She looked up and unclenched her jaw long enough to snarl,

"You? You did this! Don't you touch me, _ever_ again! I hate you!" Then she sniffed, "Why do you stink?"

"Oh yes, sorry," he slurred. "Mordred threw up on me."

Elyan swayed unsteadily,

"I'm going to be an uncle." He looked down at his sister in pain and started to cry and Mordred tenderly embraced him.

"Gwen?" Arthur said, "Gwen? Did you call an ambulance?" He held his arms under Merlin who hanged from him with closed eyes.

"We tried," Gwen whispered through clenched teeth. "But it's Champions League tonight, so they're sort off busy. Should have known footie would get me in the end."

"I can drive," Merlin suggested and turned an invisible wheel with his hands. "I'm not that drunk." He opened his eyes and looked back up at Arthur, "Hi..."

"I'll call my mum," Arthur decided and fumbled his phone up, while clutching Merlin under one arm. "With a bit of luck we can all fit into Barbie's dream car ... Mummy, we need you! _Help!_ "

"Go to bed, Arthur," Ygraine said on speakerphone. "You're waking your neighbours. They had quite enough of your midnight drunken ramblings -" A cacophony of barking dogs drowned out her voice, and she said, "Quiet darlings, it's just bad Uncle Arthur."

"It's true, Ygraine," Merlin yelled. "Gwen's having a baby and I'm gonna drive it to the hospital!"

Ygraine mumbled,

"Good lord. Is that Merlin? What _have_ you done to him? Are you all drunk?"

Gwen let out a lion roar and Gwaine said,

"Oh _god_ , Lance is hyperventilating. Hurry, George, catch him before he faints!"

Ygraine sighed,

"I should have known. The minute a fella gets a girl up the duff, he drinks himself into a stupor. Guess _now_ you need your mother's help! Where are you? And don't let Merlin drive anywhere!"

"Coochie-coochie coo," Ygraine said to the tiny new human with the fist-like face, "No, don’t breathe on her, Arthur. You're drunk."

"She's my daughter," Lance grinned stupidly to Gwen who beamed back at him, letting amnesia erase the last many hours threat to publicly castrate him.

"Yes, and we don’t want her first breath to be alcohol vapors, now do we?" Ygraine said. "Mordred, no! At least go wash your hands first. They're filthy." She looked down at Gwen blissfully cradling Baby Sophia.

"Looks like a little fairy," Ygraine gushed. "Hopefully all those pagan weddings haven't hurt her."

"Did you catch Freya and Leon?" Morgana asked Merlin, surprisingly friendly, and snapped a picture of the holy threesome on the bed.

"No, they're on their way home from Thailand. Should be here tomorrow."

"Probably trapped in an East European airport, somewhere. I'll send them a pic."

"What nice golden skin," Ygraine gushed. "I should have had children with a darker shade of man. She’ll look so dainty in pink." She looked up at Merlin and Arthur grinning drunkenly at the baby, "It _could_ be yours. Time you two grew up and gave me a grandchild. Arthur, stop looking at Gwen's chest!" She slapped him, and Merlin pulled him backwards,

"Let's go work that stupor off, shall we?"

Arthur looked at him, suddenly interested,

"Sounds like a plan."

Arthur pulled Merlin out of the room and then pushed him into a tiny room a few doors down. He locked the door behind him,

"After all these year. Back in the closet again."

"The smell of disinfection making you frisky?" Merlin grinned.

"Always. Merlin, wait." He grabbed his hands. "This is it. The big day."

Merlin smiled at him,

"Yes, our wedding tomorrow. Can't wait."

"No, I mean, I can do it now. I want to do _it_." He looked at Merlin who slowly understood,

"Oh _that_. Where? Here? Now?"

"Yes, it's just kinky enough shagging in a hospital. And I can't hear myself think when I drink, which is excellent. I want to know why you faint during orgasm."

Merlin blushed,

"It only happened a few times, you idiot."

"Regardless. I want you to take me right now."

Merlin looked around. He saw a plain bed all made up behind some boxes. Must be a place where the doctors could sleep on night shifts.

"Well, there _is_ a bed...hope the walls are soundproof, though."

"You’re the screamer, not me," Arthur said with satisfaction and removed his shirt.

"You don’t know that yet..." Merlin said and Arthur turned to him with a smile,

"No I don’t, do I?" He dropped his pants and stood naked then threw himself on the bed stomach down, spread his legs and said, "So let's be sure. Your cock in me. Now."

Merlin removed his jacket and mumbled,

"How romantic. And with an innocent baby just down the hall. Shameless." He slid down his trousers and then dropped his shorts. Arthur turned his head and watched him. Then he frowned,

"You sure there’s room for that?"

Merlin laughed and stroked himself,

"Unless you’re abnormally tight, then yes." He sat down and caressed his leg, "Want to drop it? Wait until we're more sober?"

"I'll never do it sober," Arthur laughed and his voice shook a little. "No, come on. Ride me, cowboy."

Merlin rolled his eyes,

"I don’t have to ask if you have lube on you?"

Arthur smiled and for some reason blushed,

"Jacket pocket."

Merlin found it and breathed out,

"We should have brought some champagne. My buzz's wearing off."

Arthur laughed and turned his head again, and they kissed. Merlin rolled him over on his back, and they kissed again. He slid in between his legs and just lay on top, looking down at him. Merlin stroke his hair and then lowered his head to kiss him a third time. When they broke apart, Arthur said,

"It's like a part I can't give up." He looked up into his eyes. "This...being in control."

"Neither of us is in control," Merlin whispered. He let his hand slide down his stomach and smiled when Arthur's breath quickened. Merlin scooted back and sat down between his parted legs. He looked up his body and saw Arthur gnaw his lip, tightening his fists.

"Relax," he said and saw him laugh,

"I'm trying."

Merlin took a blob of lube and coated his finger. Then he squirted some more out in his palm and started rubbing it over Arthur's hole. Arthur went rigid and took a deep breath.

"You want me to say what I'll do?" Merlin asked.

"No," Arthur said. "Let it be a surprise." He breathed out. "I trust you."

Merlin penetrated him with a finger and slowly inserted an inch. Arthur immediately clenched up but swallowed and tried to relax. Merlin took his other hand and wrapped it around Arthur's cock. The feeling made Arthur shift and relax, allowing Merlin's finger to slip in another inch.

"Holy fuck!" Arthur swore. "It _does_ bloody burn." He took a quivering breath. Merlin moved his other hand, letting his slicked up fingers form a greasy holster around Arthur's cock which he moved. The double sensation made Arthur wriggle and pant. Merlin used his finger slowly, loosening him, and Arthur groaned,

"Fuck it..."

Merlin pulled out and then inserted more fingers. It went quicker this time, and when Arthur didn’t make a sound, Merlin looked up and saw him clench his teeth.

"Does it hurt?" Merlin said and Arthur gasped,

"No, it's just…full." He grinned. Merlin moved his fingers, and Arthur lay his head down, whispering, "Oh my _god_." He covered his eyes with his arm. Merlin pulled out his fingers and coated his cock; his fingers shaking. Arthur removed his arm and lifted himself up on his elbows, "Are you okay? You look green?"

"I'm bloody nervous," Merlin admitted.

"It's just sex," Arthur said breathlessly. His hands reached up and closed around Merlin's hips, drawing him closer to a kiss. Then, moving back down to lie, he looked up at Merlin. Merlin reached down and slowly inserted himself in Arthur who winched but kept looking, willing him on. He moved inside him, inch by inch, stopping at every sign of discomfort. In the end he was in him all the way, lying between his legs, and Arthur still looked up into his eyes; his own eyes so dark blue they were almost black. Their faces were only inches apart, and Merlin felt Arthur's breath come at him fast and rhythmically.

"Please move," Arthur whispered and let his mouth capture his. Merlin kissed him and then heard him groan into his mouth when he pulled out only to thrust back in. Merlin felt him around his cock, warm and tight, and shivered when he realised they were actually doing this. He moved into Arthur again and again. Arthur closed his eyes and let his arms lock round his back; his fingers dig deeply into Merlin's skin.

"It's...I..." Arthur panted and Merlin answered, so lost in the feeling he couldn’t do anything but moan.

"Faster," Arthur whispered and Merlin picked up speed. Arthur's hands slipped off his back, down to his buttocks, pressing him down. Merlin answered by thrusting faster, raising himself up on his elbows, and Arthur groaned,

"Fuck, yes, _yes_ ," when he was getting close. He let go of Merlin's rear with one hand and grabbed his cock, "Merlin, fuck, I'm c..." and Merlin whispered,

"Yes. _Come_." He lowered himself and locked his hand around Arthur's cock, next to his own. Arthur yelled out when Merlin's hand started a rhythm, and he let go, falling back. He curved his back, feeling a wave of ecstasy flooding over him, rushing him away.

He woke minutes later and looked up into Merlin's worried eyes.

"Are you okay?" he said. Arthur swallowed and felt how raw his voice was. He let his hand touch Merlin's face and could see his fingers shiver against his skin,

"So it wasn't just sex." He breathed out, and Merlin smiled, shaken but relieved, and moved in, kissing him, gently. Outside the door they then heard Morgana say, loudly,

"If you're _quite_ finished defiling hospital property, we have a champagne toast you're cordially invited to!"


	31. Pre-Wedding Jitters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big day. Part 1.

It was very early morning. Ygraine had driven all the drunken people home, lecturing each and every one so thoroughly that any level of pleasant drunkenness had evaporated long before they could stumble out of the pink Barbie car to find their rooms at Camelot. Then she inserted herself between Arthur and Merlin and pulled Merlin away while she said,

"It must be possible for you to keep apart for _one_ single night!" and "I really don’t want to know what went on in that hospital room..."

Arthur roared,

"Mother, please! It’s all such bollocks. You can’t make him a virgin by locking him up in a bloody tower!"

She scoffed,

"I can do anything I set my mind to!" and ignored Merlin’s protests. "And mind your language, Arthur. For the pure everything is clean."

Arthur said,

"What?"

And his mother muttered,

"I rest my case. Come on, Merlin, you’ll sleep in George’s old room tonight. _Alone!_ No Arthur, you stay at the neighbours. Morgana graciously let you stay in her old room."

Arthur stopped,

"Er, at Morgana’s...mother?" He and Merlin exchanged furtive glances, and Merlin started to giggle. Ygraine stopped,

"Why? What about Aunt Vivienne?"

"Nothing?" Arthur said and looked far too innocent. Ygraine narrowed her eyes and grabbed Merlin’s shoulders, leading him into chastity. Arthur sighed and shuffled out of his own driveway, walking down the small gravel path separating Camelot from Tintagel Manor.

Ygraine shuffled Merlin along down endless corridors, passing Uther, while she kept on talking,

"Morgana decided on her own wedding, and poor Vivienne has been _lamenting_ that decision for weeks. I won't make the same mistake. No bride remembers her own wedding. That’s a fact. It’s solely the mother’s feast. A bride is only occupied with the beau waiting at the altar – "

"I’m not a bride..." Merlin sulked.

"And of course Morgause captured Cenred for her heathen ceremony so where does that leave me? This is my last wedding until Baby Sophia is wed, and I can’t wait _that_ long to organise my dream wedding! I _had_ to agree to do things Arthur’s way...it’s just that I am his mother, so I know what’s good for him - and in time so will he!"

Merlin stopped and half-turned,

"Please tell me you didn’t alter his wedding list? You swore on the life of your mother you would follow his list!"

"My mother is already dead, Merlin," Ygraine said and smiled. "And she died a happy woman because I let her organise my wedding."

Merlin groaned.

The phone rang at five minutes past midnight,

"Why aren’t you sleeping yet?" Arthur said. Merlin looked around the room where the walls were dominated by elaborate drawings of insects,

"I would, but some idiot keeps ringing me, asking questions?"

"The nerve of him...how’s George’s room?"

"Insecty, how is Morgana’s?"

"Like a witches’ coven just exploded in red and black."

"And how’s Viv?"

"She brought me cocoa."

Merlin chuckled,

"With whipped cream?"

"Shut up." Arthur said. "She’s being perfectly maternal and wholesome." He moved over on his back and looked at the thoroughly locked door.

Balinor and Hunith were received in front of Camelot by Uther who lowered his voice to a secret attempt of a whisper when he embraced Balinor,

"Do you have _it?_ "

"Yes," Balinor said sneakily. Ygraine came out of the conservatory just then,

"Oh, Huny, lovely, kiss. Come darling, away from these men! Let’s get a little drinkey."

"Ygraine, such lovely roses!" Hunith said as she was dragged into the cool conservatory. "Please tell me you have help in the garden?"

"Not for the roses," Ygraine said proudly. "And I saw your garden in Wales. Practically picturesque. Would swap it in a heartbeat."

"Oh, it would be if I could concentrate," Hunith said. "I seem to use most of my energy chasing after Bal, stopping him from digging something up!" She sat down at the white garden table and looked at the display of lemonade, "Oh, something cool. Lovely. Blistering heat."

"Yes," Ygraine said and winked, pulling up a bottle of rosé, "Oh, don’t make that face, darling. We need it for today." She poured Hunith a huge glass and said, " _Slainte._ And oh yes, what is it about men and gardens? Why can’t they just enjoy it quietly with a book and a glass of wine?"

"Always digging and planning and plotting," Hunith nodded. "Spoils the peace and quiet."

"Like an oversized mole," Ygraine agreed and viewed Uther and Balinor with suspicion as they seemed to be sneaking something past them outside the rose garden, "Boys! Come have wine before the caterers come!"

"Uh, grand!" Balinor’s deep voice roared. "Ygraine, you're a peach. Next to a shack full of sheep nothing beats the aroma of a bottle of good wine!"

"I don’t know what was in that animal carrier," Hunith confided in Ygraine. "Just that it isn’t sheep. He knows what I’ll do to him if it was!"

Merlin woke up and believed he could hear his father’s voice talk about sheep. It was quite possible considering his parents would arrive that morning, but already? He eyed the clock. 5:30. Morgana then entered his room without knocking,

"Stop wanking, thinking about Arthur, you slut. It’s your wedding day."

"I wasn’t," he said insulted. "Get out of my room."

"Yeah right..." She plumped down on his bed like a cat. "So my wedding gift to you?" she raised her eyebrows and he swallowed,

"What? Cockroach cocktails? Exploding wedding cake? Syphilis ridden finger food?"

"Is that I have forgiven you."

He sat up and blinked,

"You have forgiven that the boyfriend you didn’t want fell for me when we were both single?" He ran his fingers through his bed hair, "That’s big of you..."

"Silly, he fell for you long before that, you know that. It happened when he was still with me so you must have cast some intricate Celtic love spell on him." She shrugged, "But now I have George, we're all good."

Merlin lay back in bed,

"You and George are really happy, then?"

She smiled,

"Yes. Extreme opposites apparently attract?"

"What is the attraction really?" he dared ask and she studied the room,

"I’m like this room, here. This is me?" She held out both hands, embracing the antiseptic, strict interior. "So is Arthur and Cenred and... every bloody one I knew until lately. Then first Freya popped up, like a Disney character fresh out of hell, and Leon falls hard for her woodland charm." She looked at him, "Then you come along like a faun-like pan, distracting Arthur. And I thought perhaps I’m doing this wrong? Perhaps instead of shagging Cenred and mooning over Arthur, I should look for someone nauseatingly pure like Freya and well, you."

Merlin had no idea what to say to that.

"So...I ditched Cenred and violated George at Freya’s wedding, and I have laughed more since I've been with him than in my entire life." She looked at him, "And I have you to thank for this, so...this wedding is going to be bloody great. No bloodletting or critter revenge. Just a lovely day starting with a lush wedding breakfast. Come. They’re all waiting."

He let himself be dragged out of bed, ignoring her snickering over the embarrassing unicorn pajamas Ygraine had forced him to wear. He pushed her out of the bathroom while he took a brief shower – and then allowed her to pick him up from the floor when he suddenly startled and panicked,

"Oh my god. I’m getting married!"

Arthur was woken by Cenred while George was busy ironing his clothes, and Lance fussed over his own appearance in a full sized mirror.

"The baby has a really penetrating voice for such a tiny person," he said and studied the bags under his eyes. "Should I use concealer?"

"You left them at the hospital?" Arthur mumbled sleepily.

"No, Ygraine has moved Gwen and the baby into a guest room and sent me over here to - and I quote ' _hose you down and make you presentable_.'"

"This wasn’t what I planned at all," Arthur sighed. "God, just a small wedding with a few friends and suddenly it’s this enormous affa - "

"Yes," Cenred said lazily, lying next to him in bed, "how is your keeping Mummy completely out of the wedding-plan going? I had to pass fourteen caterers carrying dishes, and I’m warning you, a lot of the decor had a distinct shade of pink!"

Arthur froze. Then he jumped out of bed,

"Mother!"

"Of course I haven’t made the wedding pink, darling," Ygraine scolded. "It’s all white with a few discreet shade of rose colours as table-settings. Just like you ordered. Simple and tasteful."

He looked around with narrow eyes. Apparently his mother’s idea of simple was far from his. Waiters with white gloves and pink striped pants were serving breakfast with silver cutlery. He saw Gwen sit looking adorable and tired in a cascade of pink lace – of course, he thought. Mother had dressed her – and the five-some consisting of Clara, Gaius, Gwaine, Percy and Elena were feeding each other bits of juicy pancakes and waffles while giggling constantly.

"But darling," she looked at him. "Really. I know it's warm, but _do_ go put on some trousers?"

When he returned, he realised that he and Merlin had been placed at different ends at the long table his mother had decked out in the very pink end of the rose garden. Morgause leaned in,

"My wedding won’t be pink, and my mummy will have no say whatsoever in arranging it!" she parroted and laughed evilly when he asked her _to please shut up._ He could just glimpse a tuft of dark hair next to his mother’s head and cursed her when his mobile buzzed:

_Morning. Slept well?_

"Not without u," he wrote.

_Aw. cheer up. Only twelve more hours to go._

"Groan. What idiot decided on a sunset wedding?"

_No one calls my husband-to-be an idiot. Except me. Idiot._

"I thought it would be romantic..."

_It is. Of course if we had chosen a dawn wedding, it would all be over now, and we would be having glorious sex as a married couple...Ups, got to go. Your mother just said: U R not sexting Arthur, I hope?_

"See you in church."

_I’ll be the one at the altar not wearing a dress._

Gwaine sat on his other side. He took time out from feeding Percy waffles dripping with syrup to say,

"You should have chosen a morning wedding. Then you could be shagging Merlin by now. I would. Or he would be shagging me. What really went on in that hospital room?"

"Shut. Up," Arthur hissed.

Ygraine had arranged for the waiters to be helped by servers from PEN, which resulted in several of Arthur’s one night stands circling the tables, sending him death threats with their eyes. Hunith sat opposite him and smiled maternally,

"An evening wedding, then Arthur? It’s a _wonderful_ idea. I guess the temperature will be just right."

He nodded. Finally, someone who didn’t attack his artistic vision, but before he could answer, Gorlois shouted,

"Bloody odd thing, though, Huny. We have all this lovely sunshine. Why not get hitched when it’s nice and barmy?"

"And such lovely pictures you get when it’s light out, too" Clara chirped, eager to please.

"We will," Arthur said patiently. "When it’s going down. You’ll see..."

Merlin’s voice sounded out from the other end of the table,

"And some of us peel under that barmy sun. Blame it on our Celtic skin."

"Oh," everyone then said. "Well, in that case!" and "No sense not enjoying your own wedding!" and Vivienne said,

"Yes, my skin is _very_ sensitive too..." and sent a dirty glance at Arthur. Ygraine looked hurriedly between them, but was then distracted when Merlin excused himself. Arthur waited a few minutes before he got up and walked in a different direction. When he was clear of the garden, he ran in a blind search through the house and suddenly rammed into Merlin. They both laughed out relieved, and Arthur didn’t let go of him but dragged Merlin into the conservatory, hidden among a myriad of orange blossoms.

"Finally," he said and kissed him, deeply, needing this, but then froze when his mother’s voice yelled out,

"Merlin! Merlin, where are you?"

Merlin whispered,

"I really got to go..."

Arthur huffed out,

"This is ridiculous! She doesn't own you! We’ve been sleeping together for months! Why now?"

Merlin said,

"It's her dream wedding, and she has no daughters. Let her have her vision."

Arthur mumbled _traitor_ but still smiled a little when Merlin dragged him closer.

"Just imagine how great it will be later tonight. Just you and me. What’s a couple of hours of pretending to enjoy yourself?"

"Hmm," Arthur said. "Just promise me you’ll try to get away at lunch? Just for a kiss? Merlin?"

Merlin said,

"I’ll try..." and kissed him; a line of too short, too sweet, too affectionate kisses so Arthur practically was growling when they pulled apart.

"I’m here, Ygraine," Merlin then said obediently and put a finger on Arthur’s lips. He went out of the conservatory, and Arthur was left to hear his mother fuss no end when she captured him.

"I just needed a moment," Merlin said truthfully. "It all became a little too much."

"Oh _darling_ ," Ygraine cooed. "You should have said. When I married Uther, I felt the same way. I was locked up in the loo, smoking a ciggy, trying to decide if I should leg it out the window. It’s called pre-wedding jitters. And then Uther came out to sooth me, and we, er, well, I wasn’t _exactly_ a virgin at the altar."

Arthur leaned against the wall and closed his eyes.

"Then why are you so dead set on keeping me and Arthur apart?" Merlin asked.

"Oh...traditions. Silly, I know, it’s not like you can get into trouble like I was. Nine months later I gave birth to Arthur. I never told him he was conceived in a loo in a church. And that ciggy wasn’t entirely made out of tobacco!"

Arthur's groan wasn’t loud enough to down out the sound of laughter.


	32. Tinkerbell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last of the old chapters. I'll post the new ones when they're ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very silly chapter.

Merlin was starting to miss Arthur badly at lunch. He had tried to find him in the hours after breakfast and caught a glimpse of him now and again in the crowd, but he always seemed to collide with Ygraine or several of the female guests at every turn when he searched for him. They fussed over him, being thoroughly handsy, telling him he needed to eat or he would never retain Arthur's attention. The rudeness of their remarks made him stop and gape - and he was then cut off long enough to lose sight of Arthur.

Arthur was growing frustrated,

"It’s a conspiracy!" he hissed through his teeth. He was trying to get past his bloody mother for the third time, but when he finally succeeded, he saw Merlin being coaxed out of the room by Morgana and her evil Goth harem. Cenred said into his ear,

"I have strict orders from our mother up on high. You can't drink hard liquor, shag or even see Merlin up close, and I’m to stop you if you attempt to do either." He avoided Arthur's fists and then grabbed his arms. "And she told Gwaine and Lance the same thing. Well, Lance is, of course, busy." He glanced over at Gwen nursing the baby with a dazed smile and Lance hovering over them making duck face. Ygraine sat next to them and stared at Gwen with sparkling eyes like a miser looking at a nugget of gold. Then she sighed dramatically,

 _"Someone_ has to make me a grandmother! Right now!"

Mordred said lazily,

"Er, okay?"

"Not yet," Ygraine said. "You two need to grow up. A child needs adults." She stared at George and Morgana who sat interlocking fingers. "But what about you two?" She pointed at baby Sophia, who had fallen asleep with a little smile on her cherubic face. "Morgana’s looks and Georgy’s sweet temper. Oh, it would be just like starting over...and this time the child might turn out right?"

"What?" Morgana looked at her, for once too slow to grasp the trap, and blinked. "Wait, what child?"

George said dreamily,

"I always wanted to be a stay at home husband. Doing the feeding, changing diapers?" He looked utterly fulfilled. Morgana looked at him and then sighed, downing a glass of gin,

"Well, in that case. Sure. Let's have a kid."

Vivienne and Ygraine turned abruptly and looked at each other, recent arguments forgotten, and Merlin could almost see fanaticism start to stream out through their eyes.

"Oi, let them be!" Arthur shouted. "No forced copulating here."

"Arthur!" Ygraine hissed. "Shush!" She mimed her apology to the priest who had married Morgana. He shook his head in blissl forgiveness. Having known Arthur since he was born, he had long ago reached the state of Nirvana where very little could shock him.

Ygraine had retired to her boudoir and changed behind a screen, as the sun started going down.

"I promise not to go over to Arthur," Merlin tried again, sitting on a small white bench, staring down at his very shining shoes.

"You just wait here with me, Merlin, My Love," she said. "At least I know where _one_ of you is. And since both of you're so bloody stubborn you won't wear white, I'll do it." She stepped out, "Well, white-ish."

He looked up and then widened his eyes when he saw her frilly swan-like feather dress and enormous hat.

"White as in overwhelmingly pink," he said in a flat voice, and she said,

"Hush, no one will notice a thing."

"Arthur will," Merlin retorted truthfully. "He said no pink."

"Arthur needs to be contradicted and put in his place," Ygraine said and arranged her hat, looking at herself in the full-size mirror. "All the time, if you can manage it, darling. Remember that."

"I'll do my best," Merlin said with a grin and pulled at his tie.

"Now don't you pull that out of shape. You look so dapper!" She threw him an admiring glance before she applied a very pink shade of lipstick, and he sighed. He was wearing a dark body-hugging tailor-made suit that according to Mordred cost more than his yearly salary from PEN. She turned and watched him closer. Then her eyes started misting over, and she grabbed a pink tissue.

"Ygraine, please no," he said horrified. "Please don’t cry. Again."

"I’m _not_ crying," she sobbed. "I just remembered the very first time I took Arthur shopping for shoes. Before he started school." She gesticulated with the tissue. "Tiny leather shoes and the shop assistant said: they are so sturdy he can use them at his wedding." She sniffed. "And we laughed and laughed...Arthur was being a devil that day, quite honestly. An absolute menace. Couldn’t wait to get rid of him, then. He said he wanted boots like knights had or none at all. But I suddenly thought: _someday some woman will come along and take him away from me..._ " She looked at him and smiled. "Instead I’m gaining a son!"

Before Merlin could escape, he was pulled into a perfume smelling embrace.

"And thanks to Cenred’s very wicked ways I still have three daughters in law." She was clutching him tightly to her bosom.

"Ygraine?" It was Morgana's voice; a thing Merlin had never been so happy to hear before. She opened the door and said, "Oh no. _Again?_ Stop hugging him. How can you cry over bloody Arthur?"

"He’s still my little blond cherub," Ygraine sniffled but let go of Merlin. "No matter how obnoxious a git he might seem to the rest of the world..." She dabbed her eyes with the handkerchief she had pulled from her cleavage.

"Oh please, _please_ say that in your wedding speech!" Morgana chuckled, pulling out three glass from her bag, and Ygraine shrieked,

"I will _not_ have alcohol at the wedding until after they are married, Morgana. Let’s save it for the dinner."

"But it’s rosé?" Morgana protested, and Ygraine said,

"Oh, in that case. Give us a big glass each..."

Balinor tenderly pressed a glass containing a mysterious brown liquid into Arthur’s hand and then filled one each for Gaius and Uther.

"For courage, my lad," he said and blinked. They were sitting in Uther’s potting shed; a place he claimed to use to think deep kingly thoughts. Arthur remarked he also used it to get away from Mother, and Uther hissed,

"Your mother is a wise and marvelous woman!"

"But?" Arthur said.

"But nothing. When you marry, you become a partner. And you do not badmouth your partner. Especially to ungrateful children!"

"But?" Arthur teased.

"But I haven’t as much energy as she has. No one has. So sometimes I have to withdraw to refuel!" He lifted the glass, "What’s in this, anyway, Bally?"

Balinor said,

"I’m not allowed to tell. The wee people only gave me permission to brew it." He winked and took a pleasurable sip.

"The question is did _Hunith?_ " Arthur said and Uther started giggling, quite uncharacteristically.

"Oh, look out, Bally! There she comes wielding the frying pan!" Gaius pointed behind him.

"I think not," Balinor said and looked loftily offended. Arthur could suddenly see the resemblance to Merlin when he sulked. Behind him Hunith towered up, eyes flashing, looking like the festive mood hadn’t quite reached her yet.

"Hunith is a wonderful spouse and supports me in everything I do. We have a perfect marriage of acceptance. Meaning I decide what we do, and she accepts it." He realised Uther and Arthur looked past him with stupid grins and turned to see his wonderful spouse stand with both fists resting on her hips.

"Oh do I, now?" she hissed and tore the bottle from him, "We agreed _No Drinking!_ And you, Uther Pendragon, you should be ashamed of yourself!"

Gaius said softly, staring into the liquid,

"Funny, she looks like Hunith, but I could have sworn I just heard Ygraine's voice…"

Balinor winked at them again after she left and found another bottle hidden under the garden bench.

"So, when you say accepting..." Uther said. "You mean the things she doesn’t know about?"

The arrangement of the wedding had been a series of battles between Arthur and his mother, and he hadn’t won them all. He wanted an indoor wedding, Ygraine wanted the wedding to be outside, close to the water. She won. Now Arthur stood, overlooking the scenery, reluctantly agreeing that she had been right about this, at least. The enormous back garden lead down to a low stone fence behind which the beach stretched out, glowing golden in the sun sinking towards the ocean. All the guests were scattered across the lawn, drinks in hand. Unlike earlier, everyone was comfortable in the coolness of the early evening.

Merlin looked out the window and decided it had to be a wonderful dream. He would probably wake up soon and be back behind the bar counter. Nimueh just then leaned in and whispered,

"I want a full recount of what went on in that hospital room, Merl!"

He looked at her and she winked saucily. Okay, so this wasn’t a dream.

"Nim, I’m getting married in a bit. Can’t it wait?" he tried to move away, but she clutched his arm,

"You know, you look ever so dashing in that suit. Just say the word and our three-way can be expanded."

He smiled a little shocked,

"Thank you…I think. You sure Cenred would stand for it?"

"Who do you think suggested it?" She elbowed him with all the subtlety of a rugby player.

People on the lawn were semi dancing to soft, low music coming from hidden speakers disguised by a myriad of pink roses. It was still late afternoon, and the wedding was hours away, but it would have been a perfect day, if he had only been allowed to spend it with Merlin. Arthur sighed and then smiled when the first of their songs rang out. At least Merlin could hear it and know he was thinking of him. His mother walked past him just then, and her look of not so subtle martyrdom reminded him about their epic battle three weeks ago:

The wedding music had been a struggle he had been determined not to lose. Arthur had held his own against his mother’s insistence of marinating the ceremony in Britney Spears when the question popped up three weeks ago,

"But she’s ever so popular in gay circles…"

"Regardless," Arthur said. "I can’t stand her screeching."

"How about Tom Jones?" Vivienne had interrupted in a slightly slurred voice. "He’s gorgeous and his Welsh; a perfect combination of you and Merlin." She measured him salaciously and Ygraine said quickly,

"I don’t want any gyrating at my wedding, thank you very much, Viv."

"It’s _my_ wedding, actually," Arthur said.

"Tom Jones doesn’t gyrate," Vivienne said. "He’s not Elvis. He prowls about catlike and sweats profusely." She made suggestive movements with her pelvis that made Ygraine gasp,

“Vivienne!”

"Who is Tom Jones again?" Arthur said.

"He’s far too physical," Ygraine said. "Rough and hairy...and sweating! I want to create an otherworldly feeling of taste, darling. Taste." She demurely brushed the tablecloth.

"I’m the only one here who's gay, not any of you two," Arthur pointed out, but no one took any notice.

"And a woman in pigtails dressed in a school uniform gyrating her pelvis would provide an otherworldly feeling?" Vivienne scorned.

"Viv, you’re drunk," Ygraine said. "Hush up. That was years ago. Britney moved on."

"Not drunk enough," Vivienne said. "You’re my closest friend, Y, my dearest friend, and you know what Morgana put me through. Amy Winehouse’s ode to depression destroyed what should have been my final reward for raising that retched girl all those harrowing years! I had no say whatsoever in that wedding. Or that dress! So how can you be so heartless not to let me share this – "

Ygraine shrieked out, "Vivienne, don’t you dare call me he - "

"I’ve already chosen the tunes we want!" Arthur hurried to say to resolve the impending fight. It worked. They turned around startled.

"What did you choose, darling?" his mother said with a look of barely concealed dread.

" _Pet Shop Boys._ "

Silence reigned for a while. Ygraine blinked and then Vivienne said dreamily,

"I always liked that Darlene Love song. _Today I met the boy I’m gonna marry_..." and Ygraine gasped,

"That was on the radio when Uther and I first..." she glanced at Arthur and continued, "danced..."

"I want Pet Shop Boys and so does Merlin," Arthur said stubbornly.

"But _Darling_ ," his mother tried. "Electronic music? It’s so eighties...and not in a good way."

Arthur tightened his jaw,

"I like them. Always did. And need I remind you that I’m the one getting married? Not you?"

Ygraine ignored that too,

"Being married while _Go West_ belts out over the garden might be very pro-gay, but still – "

"They have recorded other songs," Arthur sighed.

"Oh, which?" Vivienne sulked and Ygraine said,

" _West End Girls_ , Darling. Remember? 1987, striding through West End, going clubbing?"

Vivienne suddenly sat up straight,

"Uh, I loved that one. Had the same coat. _Loved_ striving through the streets imagining myself gaunt and hollow cheeked like Neil Tennant." Without warning she lowered her voice and sang, " _To a dive bar in a West End town!_ "

"Viv, please," Ygraine scolded. "Uther is listeing...and I always thought it was a dyke bar?"

Now, as Pet Shop Boys stated playing _One Night_ , the people on the lawn raised their heads and smiled, and Freya started dancing a pointy dance with her fingers, screeching,

"Leon! Dance-off! It begins like this!"

Gorlois wandered past Arthur just then, mumbling,

"Electronic music, _hah_!"

"I already have a list of songs," Arthur had said. By then Ygraine and Vivienne had stopped talking to him. "First song is _One Night_ – "

"Arthur!" Ygraine interrupted with sudden unexpected modesty. "It’s a wedding, not a one-night stand!"

"Listen to the lyrics, mother," he said patiently, but she said,

"I _do_. We play them all the time at PEN. And _grab it in both hands_ cannot be anything but a reference to - “

"Then _Together_ and finally _Miracles_."

He played the three songs on his mobile, and his mother wore the patient expression of a tortured saint throughout, until she finally said,

"Uncle Gorlois will hate that second song. It sounds Russian."

"Uncle Gorlois isn’t getting married to Merlin," Arthur said patiently. "I am. And Together is our song."

Vivienne sang loudly and off key: _Together, amazing, together I’ll cryyy with you, together I’ll diiie with you!"_

"No more wine for _you_ , Viv!" Ygraine decided and snatched the bottle from the table.

"I want to hear the miracle-song again," Vivienne said, and suddenly her voice was wobbling and thick. "I love his voice _so_ much. I want someone who makes me feel like that. _Miracles happen when you’re around_..." she sobbed.

"You have Gorlois, and I have Uther," Ygraine pointed out somewhat illogically. "And techno for a wedding? Where are the emotions?"

"I don’t want _Gorlois,_ " Vivienne sniffed. "I want Neil Tennant."

"I think he’s gay, dear," Ygraine said and patted her hand.

"I don’t care. Please play Miracles again, Artie?"

"Yes, Arthur, please play the ... last one again," Ygraine said. "Perhaps it is just pretty enough for a wedding..."

In the present, Cenred suddenly put his arm around Arthur’s neck and yelled to drown out the music,

"Hey, Artie. Play: _Can You Forgive Her?"_ He glared at Morgause who showed her teeth in a snarl,

"Shut up, your spineless stain."

"Not exactly a wedding song, is it?" Arthur mumbled and sipped a glass of champagne that had escaped his mother's prohibition. "Problems in paradise you two?"

"Why don’t you find a backbone and say it, you sniveling coward?" Morgause snarled and Cenred growled back,

"Why? When I can spell out our suffocating relationship in songs? Take my advice, Artie and keep away from women. They’ll eat your soul!"

"You’re quite safe, then!" Morgause spat out and turned around, snaking away.

"What have I done now?" Cenred yelled after her. "You and Nimueh are ganging up on me constantly."

"If trying to keep your _cock_ in your pants for five minutes is ganging up on you, then hell yes!" Morgause roared, making a lawn full of wedding guests turn in unison and discuss the splendors of the stunning view. Ygraine came rushing out of the house.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she angry whispered to Cenred who ducked his head,

"But Mum! She - "

"This is a dream of mine coming to life. My crowning moment. Arthur. Is. Marrying. A. Man. At _my_ wedding. Is it too much for me to ask that my other son refrain from yelling obscenities in front of the priest?" She looked at the blushing priest who had been cornered by Balinor, who wanted to discuss the euphemism "sheep to the Lord."

"It wasn’t me! It was M – "

"It was your wife! Or _one_ of them, which, by the way, I warned you against, but would you listen? "

"But Mum!" Cenred tried again and looked around at all the people busy discussing the colours of the ocean.

"Your actions reflect badly on me, your father, the Pendragon name, Camelot and worst of all your brother on his big day!"

"I'm fine, really..." Arthur mumbled, knowing nothing he could say would save his brother.

"See!" Ygraine nodded. "Now you have upset Arthur! How – "

Arthur zoned out. In the distance, he eyed a dark head of hair. He looked back and realised his mother, for once, had forgotten about keeping him away from Merlin. He bolted forward and followed the slender dark-haired figure down through a garden path.

Merlin had trailed away from the ruckus of people shouting and soon found himself in a secluded part of the garden. He heard his last name spoken softly and turned to see a blond man standing under low-hanging branches, watching him. Merlin narrowed his eyes and then said,

" _Adam?_ You here? Did Arthur invite you?"

The man smiled and walked closer in a strange, determined way,

"Not quite…"

Merlin smiled, a little nervously, when he realised the man didn’t blink as he advanced, but still he prattled on,

"So, you tunneled in to see us get hitched, in disguise and everything?" He nodded at his hair. Adam tilted his head, but then he seemed to catch on,

"Oh, oh you mean _this?_ " He pulled at a few flaxen straws. "No, this is my natural colour. Last time we met, you were right. I was in disguise. Had to darken my hair, then."

Merlin nodded because he hadn't a clue what to say to that, and then said,

"Er, okay, I would ask why, but that’s none of my business, really…" He stepped back one step, but Adam stepped closer,

"Oh, but it is. It's very much your business because you see, Mr. Emrys…" He became serious. "I came to that party to hurt Arthur. Guess how I was going to do that?"

Merlin took another step back and smiled again,

"Er, pour sugar in his tank? Puncture his tires?"

Adam barred his teeth and grinned back. It wasn’t a smile that made Merlin any calmer,

"I was going to take you from him. First, I would try to seduce you, and if that didn’t work, I would find a way to hurt you. But as I talked to you, I realised that you were a nice enough lad, and thus I would get no satisfaction out of hurting you."

Merlin turned on his heal and was about to bolt when he heard a click. Behind him Adam said,

"Just to clarify. That’s the sound of a gun."

"I thought you said you wouldn’t hurt me?" Merlin said over his shoulder; his heart beating fast.

"Oh, I wouldn’t…" Adam said softly. "But I _would_ shoot Arthur. If you left right now."

Merlin swallowed but made himself stand still, not turning around,

"Why?"

"Do I have to have a reason? Because I hate him, of course. It’s not right…to ease through life like he does, getting things handed to him, money, doting parents - "

"I wouldn't exactly call them doting..." Merlin said but Adam continued,

"And now he has the perfect boyfriend, who even manages to excuse him simulating public sex with an ex-lover."

"There was nothing to forgive!" Merlin said. "I love him as he is. And...and it's none of your business, anyway!"

"Yes," Adam said and Merlin felt him walk closer. "As I said. You’re too _damned_ perfect, a true angel. He doesn’t deserve you. I'll take you away from him, hurting him and dare I say giving myself some pleasure at the same time." He let the gun caress Merlin’s cheek.

"And what about me?" Merlin said. "I don't have a say in this?"

"You?" He felt Adam’s breath against his cheek. "Well, you obviously are attracted to flawed men. And they don’t come any more twisted than me, Mr. Emrys. Enough for you to forgive for the rest of your life. Don't worry...you’ll grow to care."

"If I disappear," Merlin said slowly, eyes flickering over the bushes for an escape, buying time. "They’ll know you did it. I told people about you, one of Arthur’s old l - "

"Lovers, the broody dark-haired Adam? Yes, good luck finding him. Oh," he chuckled into his ear. "I'm afraid I’ve been very bad, Mr. Emrys. I told you a fib. My hair color wasn’t the only disguise. My real name is Edwin."

"So it is," a cool voice said, and they both turned startled; Edwin still with his hand on Merlin's shoulder.

"Arthur!" Merlin gasped. "He’s got a gun! Run!"

"So, I noticed," Arthur said tight-lipped. "Why are you frightening my groom, Eddie? Stop pointing that thing at him. It’s me you hate."

"Arthur, no!" Merlin said but Edwin said,

"Do be quiet, Mr. Emrys. Let’s hear him out."

"Yes, do let me speak," Arthur said with a bored voice, and it was only because Merlin noticed his tight jaw that he understood what a strain he was under. "Merlin, be good and leave us."

"No, no, no. Let him stay," Edwin answered calmly. "Let him hear how you are lording over us immortals who can’t live up to your moral standards."

"Don’t use plural, Eddie," Arthur said easily and took a step forward. "Merlin is a far better human being than you and me. Merlin!"

"I know!" Edwin thundered and waved he gun. "You don’t deserve him."

"I agree," Arthur said and took another step, and Merlin realised he was trying to edge himself in between them.

"Arthur, he won’t hurt me. Save yourself!" he said. Arthur turned and said,

"Shut. Up." With emphasis. And Edwin said,

"Really. Just the way you talk to him! You treat him like a dog. I would worship the ground he walks on."

Arthur sneered,

"Yeah, whatever. Merlin, would you please just _fucking_ leave?"

Merlin pulled away from Edwin and blocked his aim at Arthur,

"No! If he wants to shoot you, he’ll have to go through me!" He ignored Arthur’s outburst and tried not to decipher the sudden coldness in Edwin’s eyes.

"Fine. So be it," he said and raised the gun. Merlin felt Arthur grab his arm, trying to get past him so he could shield him. It turned into a rather awkward and not very dignified struggle to shield each other that ended with them both kneeling on the garden path, trying to get the upper hand while Edwin stood a little stunned, pointing the gun aimlessly at one and then another,

"Could you please stop moving around? I can’t focus..."

Then Merlin heard a sound. First it sounded like Arthur’s heart; his chest was somewhat pressed against the side of Merlin's face just then in a noble but very clumsy attempt to protect him. Still it sounded different somehow, like rain on a window or fingers drumming on a leather couch. Merlin thought this was how it felt to have your entire life run past your eyes. You would of course have an annoying soundtrack running through it all, but then Arthur stopped struggling and said amazed,

"Sounds like hooves?"

Edwin only managed to half turn before a tiny black pony barreled into his kneecaps. He stumbled, waving the gun dangerously in the air, when a second tiny white horse ran past him, stepping heavily on his feet. Edwin screamed angrily and probably would have fired the gun when he was hit the third time; this time by a large Welsh man outweighing him two to one, sending him sprawling on his stomach.

"Dad!" Merlin said and saw his father get on his feet. Balinor looked down,

"Oh, I’m ever so sorry, my lad," He reached a hand down and pulled Edwin up as though he weighted nothing. Then he said. "You dropped your…" He looked up. "One minute Merlin. Just have to get this nice boy his…" Balinor looked at the gun he had picked up and then at Edwin who stood not daring to move. "Now, what are you planning to do with this monstrosity, my lad?"

Edwin let out a pained scream and fled into the thicket and Arthur said,

"Mr. Emrys! He tried to -"

"Yes, I just realised," Balinor said. "He’s running straight into the arms of security, anyway. Your mother sent them out hunting for you." He pocketed the gun and said. "Better go make sure they keep him." He then looked at them with a twinkle in his eyes. "Why don’t you two skedaddle, oh, for the next hour until sunset? I’m sure you’ll find something to do." He whistled at the horses. "Pirate? Tinkerbell? Oh yes," he said. "That's your wedding present, there, from your Mum and me." He pointed at the little white horse. "Eats a ton, mind you. Hope you can afford the kip."

The two small horses whinnied and ran past him, and Balinor said,

"I just pictured the mountain of carrots waiting for them at the stables. Works with sheepdogs, too, when you want them to move sheep. You think about where you want them, and the dogs pick up on your mental pictures. All the whistling is just for show..." He stuffed both hands in his pockets and followed the two small horses, leaving Merlin and Arthur alone. Merlin was still shaking from the experience, but Arthur was laughing,

" _Tinkerbell?_ It's bloody fate…" His face changed when he noticed Merlin’s shallow breathing. "Merl, are you okay? It’s all right. Security is very strict, here…usually, anyway."

"Oh no, it’s just…" Merlin laughed. "I just realised I'm the only sane person in our families. Everyone else just bounces back like nothing happened!" He looked at Arthur who grinned,

"And you're first realising that now, Babe?" He put his arms around him. "Luckily, I have just the cure for a nervous condition. And funnily enough you have to be naked…"

Merlin groaned,

"Can’t believe I’m stuck with you…"

"Piffle," Arthur laughed into his mouth. "You love me like I am. Heard you say so...."

In a perfect world, they would have sunk down on the mossy carpet while Arthur taught Merlin the art of naked relaxation. But, unfortunately, they lived in the real world where sniffer-dogs could learn a thing or two from Ygraine Pendragon. She tracked them down minutes after Balinor had left them, which probably was lucky. Only Arthur had removed all his clothes by then and was busy lowering Merlin’s pants on the mossy carpet.

"Merlin, why don’t you answer your ph - what are you DOING?"

Arthur grasped his trousers and hid behind them while Ygraine ignored all of Merlin’s frantic objections and personally pulled up his trouser and fastened his belt while she scolded them breathlessly,

"…never in my life heard of anything so _embarrassing_. I'm _mortified!_ You should be _ashamed_ of yourself, if you had the ability to feel shame, Arthur Pendragon. I'm not blaming you, Merlin, clearly you’re the victim. Perhaps Haliq was right about you, Arthur, odious man as he was. No Arthur, don’t speak to me. Just stand there. I can't even look at you. To my dying day I will now have a visual of you naked on your wedding day. The only reason I don’t despair is that Merlin still is moderately clothed."

"Unfortunately," Arthur muttered as Ygraine drew in breath, and Merlin tried to say,

"Mrs. Pen - " but Ygraine said,

"Ygraine or _Mother_. I’m happy with both - "

" _Mother!_ " Arthur said annoyed. " I - "

"Why didn't I have girls? Three sons and each of them a disgrace. George just backed up Morgana’s ridiculous idea that their future child should be called Arizona! _Arizona Pendragon!_ I mean...what job-prospects will you have with a name like that? Working down the local chippy and starring in reality-shows, that's what. And Cenred. I’m not even going to - the priest walked in on him and Percy and … the priest is having a lie down with a stiff brandy - Arthur, wipe that grin off your face - Cenred is hiding from Gwaine, and Morgause is trying to talk Nimueh into a circumcision practice I won’t go into details with. And then I find you here, trying to defile your virgin groom!"

Merlin tried to escape her clutching grip of his belt,

"I’m not a virgin. Please Mrs.…er, Ygraine, I can dress myself!"

"And to top it all," Ygraine ignored him. "I was almost molested by that rude, scruffy boy you ran around with in school. What was his name? Edmund? Edward?"

"Edwin?" Arthur said tonelessly.

"No, that’s not it," Ygraine said and started brushing Merlin's suit-jacket. "He barges into me and frankly doesn’t even apologize, but then darling Balinor comes and manhandles him, twisting his arm on his back and leading him off. So manly! Merlin, though I adore Uther and your mother is my best friend, I felt a flutter."

"What?" Arthur said horrified. "No!"

"He stopped next to me and forced the scruffy boy, Godwin, was it? to apologize to me. Said he needed to learn some manners and could start by showing a _lady_ some respect!" She chuckled. "So gallant. Who knew they made such men in Wales. Aunt Viv's also quite taken with him after he sang Delilah for the guests..."

Merlin moaned from the much too vivid pictures that information planted in his head.

"So...Perhaps I should come visit dear Huni again later this summer?" Ygraine said to him.

"Mother!" Arthur said and his mother scorned,

"Of course, I would bring Uther. He is my soulmate after all." She refreshed her lipstick, and Arthur suddenly realised the shade of dress she was wearing,

"That dress - " he started, narrowing his eyes, and she hurried to say,

"But dear Clara just enlightened me about group sex. Apparently, if you invite someone into your established relationship, it’s not considered cheating. Now, Uther would probably object to a threesome, you know how he loathes uneven numbers, Arthur, but perhaps I could tempt him with a foursome? Especially if we all dressed up as Amazonian warriors."

She looked at Arthur,

"What were you saying about my dress?"


End file.
